Why am i so sad if life is so good?

[ihateme_die]

everything is perfect
he is perfect
he does everything right
says everythink right
he cares so much
loves me so much
so why then can't i believe him?
why can't i put my heart in his hands
and trust he won't break it
why must i question
it hurts him so much
to hear that i have those thoughts
but i don't really
only half of me
i argue with myself about it constantly
the happy side usually wins
but sometimes she comes out
my other side
my skeptical side
Sarah
she always says the wrong thing
she always blames
and acts as if something is wrong
it is so stupid
i hate it
it makes him so sad
so hurt
he thinks he's not good enough
he thinks i don't trust him at all
when in reality
i wouldn't leave him
couldn't leave him
for anything
he's all that i want
all that i need
why can't i show that to him
why must i make him feel inadequate
i hate it
to see him like that
so hurt
so down
so upset
it tears me up inside to know that it's cause of me
that he feels like that
i wish i could just let go of what happened to me
to accept that not everybody is like that
and that it might not happen again
but im so afraid
so scared beyond words
i want it to work so bad
that the thought of it failing is so frightening
i can't handle it
and so sometimes
i just explode

(this was an entry from a while ago that was in another journal)