General Life Update: Summer Edition
General Life Update:
I try to keep track of this as much as possible, as much for my own recollections as the general update portion. Life has…not been so good lately. It takes a lot of energy to keep going these days, here is the story:
I guess it should start from May. As you might know, I did not graduate this may due to my asshole of a professor. That man will rot in a particular hell reserved for those that speak deaf, but anyways. So I had to retake a class this summer and missed out on a great job opportunity with a national program because of it. No big deal, right?
Yeah. So I am retaking Spanish. I know, my whole fucking college career, this class has been my Eleanor. >_< I did manage to pass with a ‘C’ while working at Convergys, a local telemarketing center. The place is hell. I had so many days where my chest pounded from pent up frustration. That job made me hate myself in so many ways. I don’t consider myself to be ‘above’ other people, but this job made me wonder. In my training class of 28 people, I had more college under my belt than all of them combined. Only 3 people had seen college, and they had 2.5 years combined. BTW, that includes the psycho training us. I felt so….overqualified for that job. I brought in books to read and everyone labeled me ‘that guy’. The one that’s super fucking smart and will own us someday, so let’s give him shit now. It was bearable, and at least the money was decent. Anyways, once training was over the actual job began. That job….made me want to hurt people. Literally, I wanted to hurt people. I have since been released from this job, but I’ll get to that later-must go chronologically.
So, right after I graduated from official training, I got kicked out of my house. It was an awkward situation, and my mother will have black marks with me for a long fucking time, but what else is new… I now live in an apartment with my good friend tony. We are really enjoying this place, and it was a great find. It’s in the same region that Alana and chris used to live in. lolz. Anyways, my mom suddenly decided that I wasn’t kicked out and that I shouldn’t leave. Yeah, that wasn’t happening, I was out of there as fast as I fucking could be. We moved out at the end of june, and the place is great. Have my own room, make my own hours, visit the folks when I feel like it (once a week) so it works out. My mom resents me for leaving and it made my dad really sad, but they understand why I did it (even though they both have different ‘understandings’. Whatever, not my job to educate. >_< So now I was working at convergys, going to school and moving. That was an assload of fun. Without help I never would have made it.
Eventually school ended and I got a C. Tried looking for a real job, that turned out incredibly bad. I am not good for anything, it seems. So I thought, why not teach? I wish I could go back and ICEPICK myself for thinking that, but whatever. I got my alternative cert at the middle/end of july, right before hurricane dolly shut down all the schools for a week. So, I started applying, and as of yet, have gotten no responses back for a teaching position. It makes me feel like shit, being useless. So, first week in August, I get fired because I tell my TL that I might be leaving soon. She just decided to fire me right there and get it over with. THANKS BITCH! I wasn’t incredibly sad to go, just…I like money. So I really start going balls out looking for jobs. Find out that no one wants me, literally. They would rather hire morons and idiots, but not me. Various reasons have been discovered for this, and they’re really not important. It all comes down to the fact that I am totally not wanted there. I have a few leads left, but barring a fucking miracle I will have no job for the foreseeable future. I keep getting depressed about this teaching thing, but one thing really grinds my gears. My roomie and I decided to look at the same time, and being that he has a bio degree, he had a job in two hours. I kid you not, two hours. I have helped him along as he has done his app and all that shit. Now he’s in new teacher orientation and I’m burning with jealousy. He complains about it, and it makes me want to scream and tear out my hair. I’m not used to this feeling, of doing nothing. I haven’t been so lost since….before high school. And even then, I had public schooling to look forward to. I now have nothing…and its been quite a dramatic change from college. I miss being someone, having people I can talk to…I want to go back to college so bad right now it almost hurts. I’ve been having nightmares about my ‘life’ recently, and I see myself ending up a custodian somewhere and it breaks my heart.
Why did I go to college? I have been looking for alt work besides teaching and I was told by LUBYS to call them back when I had a degree worth the paper it was printed on. That was an awesome feeling, let me tell you. No one else will hire me for jack shit, because an English degree, while bestowing upon one great general skills of communication, gives no practical let-me-do-this-shit skills. I wish I hadn’t been so fucking stupid when I chose my degree. That’s what I get for choosing a degree I liked as opposed to one I knew was good for me. I don’t know how much more of this I can take. I cry myself to sleep at night for being worthless, for being a no one. I fantasize about taking a job as a fast food worker or something, because then I could be useful to someone. I can be the ‘too smart for this job, guy’ it wouldn’t exactly be new for me. I totally shit you not when i say that no one will hire me. I have called places I would rather not discuss, and nyet. *hangs head* this life shit sucks balls. Wasn't this supposed to be a fun time, the after-college phase?
On top of all this shit, my dad found out he’s probably losing his job soon. Hurricane did lots of damage, not worth reparing, blah, blah, blah. He asked me if I could help him with money once I get my job. I told him of course I would. If I don’t get a job, I have to tell my father that I’m not good enough to get a teaching job to help my parents keep what they have. I have to tell him I didn’t try hard enough or look Hispanic enough or wasn’t enough of a man to get it. Needless to say, I do not look forward to this conversation. Not in the slightest. Just one more thing for him to worry about, one more thing to add to his bad health. I try not to dwell on this-at all.
Keep getting into fights with Savi about my job situation. She keeps telling me that this whole thing is my fault because I will not move out of the valley. I just...don't want to. I want to be near my dad and my family. And with all that's happened, i'm glad it worked out that way. She and I will come to some serious shit soon if she doesn't back off it, mark my fucking words. I...dont need that shit right now, yet she dishes it out. She's a great gal, but goddamn she can be a real cunt. I love her to death, but yet i can't deny that fact.
I am still single, though I’ve been talking to a cool girl. Those of you I knew in high school might remember Adriana, she and I briefly dated. We’ve begun talking again, and I really enjoy it. She’s totally not into me, but I like to pretend that she is. It gives me hope for the future. It would be nice if things work out, but its too long distance, and I’m just not willing to do that. Not again….never again. But other than that, no woman in their right mind is currently talking to me. Can't really blame them, i'm not exactly a prize catch right now. HA! i actually had a good laugh over that one.
It wasn’t supposed to be like this. What it comes to, I guess, is that I have lost purpose. I have no reason to get up in the morning, really. It’s so hard to do so, I’m rarely up before noon. If you know me, you know how unusual that is for me. I’m a 8 Am person, so noon is new territory for me. I just have nothing to look forward to, just having doors slammed in my face. I had managed to convince myself that maybe I did have possibilities, doors opening for me. Maybe this teaching thing would work out, general bullshit like that. Well, so far, nope. No doors, only shutting blinds and other obstructions line my path. Maybe I’ll find something. Maybe it will work out. Hmm, maybe I’ll jump off a building and fly to safety. I want something to…happen. I dunno. Is it too much to ask for to get a decent job? Maybe it is. Either way, this wasn’t supposed to be a weepy ‘I’m going to bitch because I have it so hard’ post. I'm sure i don't have it that bad, it just feels like it right now. Sorry if this is too much rambling, please go about the rest of your day in peace. Hope y’all are well.
I try to keep track of this as much as possible, as much for my own recollections as the general update portion. Life has…not been so good lately. It takes a lot of energy to keep going these days, here is the story:
I guess it should start from May. As you might know, I did not graduate this may due to my asshole of a professor. That man will rot in a particular hell reserved for those that speak deaf, but anyways. So I had to retake a class this summer and missed out on a great job opportunity with a national program because of it. No big deal, right?
Yeah. So I am retaking Spanish. I know, my whole fucking college career, this class has been my Eleanor. >_< I did manage to pass with a ‘C’ while working at Convergys, a local telemarketing center. The place is hell. I had so many days where my chest pounded from pent up frustration. That job made me hate myself in so many ways. I don’t consider myself to be ‘above’ other people, but this job made me wonder. In my training class of 28 people, I had more college under my belt than all of them combined. Only 3 people had seen college, and they had 2.5 years combined. BTW, that includes the psycho training us. I felt so….overqualified for that job. I brought in books to read and everyone labeled me ‘that guy’. The one that’s super fucking smart and will own us someday, so let’s give him shit now. It was bearable, and at least the money was decent. Anyways, once training was over the actual job began. That job….made me want to hurt people. Literally, I wanted to hurt people. I have since been released from this job, but I’ll get to that later-must go chronologically.
So, right after I graduated from official training, I got kicked out of my house. It was an awkward situation, and my mother will have black marks with me for a long fucking time, but what else is new… I now live in an apartment with my good friend tony. We are really enjoying this place, and it was a great find. It’s in the same region that Alana and chris used to live in. lolz. Anyways, my mom suddenly decided that I wasn’t kicked out and that I shouldn’t leave. Yeah, that wasn’t happening, I was out of there as fast as I fucking could be. We moved out at the end of june, and the place is great. Have my own room, make my own hours, visit the folks when I feel like it (once a week) so it works out. My mom resents me for leaving and it made my dad really sad, but they understand why I did it (even though they both have different ‘understandings’. Whatever, not my job to educate. >_< So now I was working at convergys, going to school and moving. That was an assload of fun. Without help I never would have made it.
Eventually school ended and I got a C. Tried looking for a real job, that turned out incredibly bad. I am not good for anything, it seems. So I thought, why not teach? I wish I could go back and ICEPICK myself for thinking that, but whatever. I got my alternative cert at the middle/end of july, right before hurricane dolly shut down all the schools for a week. So, I started applying, and as of yet, have gotten no responses back for a teaching position. It makes me feel like shit, being useless. So, first week in August, I get fired because I tell my TL that I might be leaving soon. She just decided to fire me right there and get it over with. THANKS BITCH! I wasn’t incredibly sad to go, just…I like money. So I really start going balls out looking for jobs. Find out that no one wants me, literally. They would rather hire morons and idiots, but not me. Various reasons have been discovered for this, and they’re really not important. It all comes down to the fact that I am totally not wanted there. I have a few leads left, but barring a fucking miracle I will have no job for the foreseeable future. I keep getting depressed about this teaching thing, but one thing really grinds my gears. My roomie and I decided to look at the same time, and being that he has a bio degree, he had a job in two hours. I kid you not, two hours. I have helped him along as he has done his app and all that shit. Now he’s in new teacher orientation and I’m burning with jealousy. He complains about it, and it makes me want to scream and tear out my hair. I’m not used to this feeling, of doing nothing. I haven’t been so lost since….before high school. And even then, I had public schooling to look forward to. I now have nothing…and its been quite a dramatic change from college. I miss being someone, having people I can talk to…I want to go back to college so bad right now it almost hurts. I’ve been having nightmares about my ‘life’ recently, and I see myself ending up a custodian somewhere and it breaks my heart.
Why did I go to college? I have been looking for alt work besides teaching and I was told by LUBYS to call them back when I had a degree worth the paper it was printed on. That was an awesome feeling, let me tell you. No one else will hire me for jack shit, because an English degree, while bestowing upon one great general skills of communication, gives no practical let-me-do-this-shit skills. I wish I hadn’t been so fucking stupid when I chose my degree. That’s what I get for choosing a degree I liked as opposed to one I knew was good for me. I don’t know how much more of this I can take. I cry myself to sleep at night for being worthless, for being a no one. I fantasize about taking a job as a fast food worker or something, because then I could be useful to someone. I can be the ‘too smart for this job, guy’ it wouldn’t exactly be new for me. I totally shit you not when i say that no one will hire me. I have called places I would rather not discuss, and nyet. *hangs head* this life shit sucks balls. Wasn't this supposed to be a fun time, the after-college phase?
On top of all this shit, my dad found out he’s probably losing his job soon. Hurricane did lots of damage, not worth reparing, blah, blah, blah. He asked me if I could help him with money once I get my job. I told him of course I would. If I don’t get a job, I have to tell my father that I’m not good enough to get a teaching job to help my parents keep what they have. I have to tell him I didn’t try hard enough or look Hispanic enough or wasn’t enough of a man to get it. Needless to say, I do not look forward to this conversation. Not in the slightest. Just one more thing for him to worry about, one more thing to add to his bad health. I try not to dwell on this-at all.
Keep getting into fights with Savi about my job situation. She keeps telling me that this whole thing is my fault because I will not move out of the valley. I just...don't want to. I want to be near my dad and my family. And with all that's happened, i'm glad it worked out that way. She and I will come to some serious shit soon if she doesn't back off it, mark my fucking words. I...dont need that shit right now, yet she dishes it out. She's a great gal, but goddamn she can be a real cunt. I love her to death, but yet i can't deny that fact.
I am still single, though I’ve been talking to a cool girl. Those of you I knew in high school might remember Adriana, she and I briefly dated. We’ve begun talking again, and I really enjoy it. She’s totally not into me, but I like to pretend that she is. It gives me hope for the future. It would be nice if things work out, but its too long distance, and I’m just not willing to do that. Not again….never again. But other than that, no woman in their right mind is currently talking to me. Can't really blame them, i'm not exactly a prize catch right now. HA! i actually had a good laugh over that one.
It wasn’t supposed to be like this. What it comes to, I guess, is that I have lost purpose. I have no reason to get up in the morning, really. It’s so hard to do so, I’m rarely up before noon. If you know me, you know how unusual that is for me. I’m a 8 Am person, so noon is new territory for me. I just have nothing to look forward to, just having doors slammed in my face. I had managed to convince myself that maybe I did have possibilities, doors opening for me. Maybe this teaching thing would work out, general bullshit like that. Well, so far, nope. No doors, only shutting blinds and other obstructions line my path. Maybe I’ll find something. Maybe it will work out. Hmm, maybe I’ll jump off a building and fly to safety. I want something to…happen. I dunno. Is it too much to ask for to get a decent job? Maybe it is. Either way, this wasn’t supposed to be a weepy ‘I’m going to bitch because I have it so hard’ post. I'm sure i don't have it that bad, it just feels like it right now. Sorry if this is too much rambling, please go about the rest of your day in peace. Hope y’all are well.