the real Kevin Hearn...or is it?
This has been the absolute worst year of my life. Every time I think I’ve gone up I’ve really gone down-and that sucks cock. Terrible things have been done to me and by me and it makes for a very bleak world. But, as I sit here in my room reading stuff and surfing the web, I have had the most powerful epiphany I have ever had in my entire life: the real Kevin Hearn.
I don’t know who I am. Not many people know who I am, in fact, I can count about three (plus or minus a random bright kid in there) that really, truly get it. I never used to get it, such knowledge was never in my grasp, I always lived each day to complete each day and get to the next one alive. That is not who I am. Before that, I used to over-plan everything, and have complicated tables and plans for every little thing, from conversations with people to girls that I liked. That is not who I am. I am…for lack of a better word, me.
Who is this me, you may be asking yourself.
I am Kevin, no one else.
I am a liar, an asshole, a manipulative SOB, a soft-hearted guy, and so much more.
I am overweight, but not so much so that I look morbidly obese, just enough to appear large.
I have been told that I am semi-attractive, but I have never seen that.
I can only see the faults in myself; nothing is ever good enough for me.
I am bisexual, and would not really care if I dated a man or girl, because in the end, I enjoy companionship and company, may it be from a man or a woman.
I hate only going halfway, if I am in on a project, I would like to go 100%, yet this is not possible, because I can never say no. to anyone. For anything.
I am one of the kindest people you will ever meet, but all of the kindness in my heart has been locked away behind fear and ridicule.
I truly, deeply love some people, more than any kind of word or verse could ever describe. To attempt to do so would tarnish their worth, so fuck that.
I swear often, to show all of my passionate feelings about everything.
I don’t know how to have a friend, because I am afraid that all my friends hate me and judge me all the time.
I don’t judge people; I just lie and say that I do.
I am emotionally barricaded, much more than most people would believe, because I fear letting those close to me seeing what I really am.
I cannot help but care about everyone, even people who have stolen things from me that I value.
I want and need to be needed, accepted, and invited. Not to everything, but generally I am invited to nothing (no strike on anyone, seriously) and my life is all that much emptier for it.
I hate and abhor drug use, because it is never a substitute for a good friend or lover, and only brings out the very worst in people.
I love being loved and being in love. I can’t imagine a happier moment than when someone finally tells me that they love me and I can truly reciprocate the feeling.
I would love to get married and have children, perhaps a daughter, that looked like her mother that I could dote upon at will, and hear her laugh.
I love it when children laugh, it seems so innocent and pure, something I miss in myself.
I greatly fear when people read this, because I am afraid that they will hate me.
I have horrible secrets, that have hurt so many people, yet they will never know.
I value all of my friends, but am afraid to tell them, for fear of being thought mushy and stupid.
I sometimes feel like people only like me when I am an asshole.
I am an asshole deep down inside, the kind and asshole battle constantly, yet at the very core of my being, there is a small child playing with butterflies in a garden that is warm and full of beautiful flowers.
I like being outside, and feeling the earth with my entire body as I explore and use it.
I sometimes pretend to kill myself and imagine it, and I always imagine the world being a better place.
I want to believe in God, but bitterness is a shield between me and the faith I have had since I was a child. I believe in god like a child, I marvel and humble myself before such an awesome being, yet cannot imagine actually giving up my belief; it is the core of who I am.
I remember every horrible, stupid, and childish thing that I do even years afterwards, and it fills my being with incredible shame.
I wish that I could help everyone, like superman, and that people would give me an honest chance and let me do the same for them.
I love horrible music, movies, funky shit, dancing, and just plain being wild.
I am tough, because it is not easy to be me, and it has profoundly shaped me.
I have been really fucked over by women, many women, and do not know if I will ever fully trust another woman again, just because of a select few.
I don’t let people get close to me, and when they begin to get close, I will cut my ties with them because they make me afraid, I think that they are only getting close to hurt me.
I was, until recently, completely unable to cry. It took my grandmother’s horrible death to finally break down the wall. I haven’t cried before that in years. If I said that I did, I was lying.
I have tears in my eyes as I am writing this now.
I hate opening my heart, because for all the wonderful people that fill it with joy and laughter, there always seem to be more that want to take this joy and wonder, to make themselves feel like better people.
I long to meet someone that actually sees me for who I am, and recognizes and appreciates it, so that we can live a long and happy life together, somewhere.
I wish I could go to the South Harmon Institute of Technology and study…being myself. It has been so long since I have actually acted like myself that I don’t even know that I remember how. I feel like people, all people, can see this change in me and look down upon me for it, and I cry at them to see me, the real me, but they never do. I dream all the time about it, horrible dreams that leave me screaming in the end, but the louder my screams the farther away I am to everyone.
In the end, I am a synthesis of everything. In actuality, I suppose I am the same person that woke up this morning, and will go to bed tonight. But it is a frightening and horrible thing not to know oneself, and even more frightening to hate oneself.
I realize now, in my stupidity, that I should really give many people a true, honest-to-god second chance. That, if I can have one and use it to the fullest, then they should have the same opportunity. I really hope that everyone that reads this takes my apology, and extends the same to me. My friends, please don’t let any issue we have between us lie there any longer, let this short life we live be full of merriment and laughter, not sorrow and loneliness.
If you notice a change in me, please, try not to judge me too harshly-I am still trying to figure out who Kevin Hearn really is. But, for now, for the first time in years, I think that I finally have an idea.
I don’t know who I am. Not many people know who I am, in fact, I can count about three (plus or minus a random bright kid in there) that really, truly get it. I never used to get it, such knowledge was never in my grasp, I always lived each day to complete each day and get to the next one alive. That is not who I am. Before that, I used to over-plan everything, and have complicated tables and plans for every little thing, from conversations with people to girls that I liked. That is not who I am. I am…for lack of a better word, me.
Who is this me, you may be asking yourself.
I am Kevin, no one else.
I am a liar, an asshole, a manipulative SOB, a soft-hearted guy, and so much more.
I am overweight, but not so much so that I look morbidly obese, just enough to appear large.
I have been told that I am semi-attractive, but I have never seen that.
I can only see the faults in myself; nothing is ever good enough for me.
I am bisexual, and would not really care if I dated a man or girl, because in the end, I enjoy companionship and company, may it be from a man or a woman.
I hate only going halfway, if I am in on a project, I would like to go 100%, yet this is not possible, because I can never say no. to anyone. For anything.
I am one of the kindest people you will ever meet, but all of the kindness in my heart has been locked away behind fear and ridicule.
I truly, deeply love some people, more than any kind of word or verse could ever describe. To attempt to do so would tarnish their worth, so fuck that.
I swear often, to show all of my passionate feelings about everything.
I don’t know how to have a friend, because I am afraid that all my friends hate me and judge me all the time.
I don’t judge people; I just lie and say that I do.
I am emotionally barricaded, much more than most people would believe, because I fear letting those close to me seeing what I really am.
I cannot help but care about everyone, even people who have stolen things from me that I value.
I want and need to be needed, accepted, and invited. Not to everything, but generally I am invited to nothing (no strike on anyone, seriously) and my life is all that much emptier for it.
I hate and abhor drug use, because it is never a substitute for a good friend or lover, and only brings out the very worst in people.
I love being loved and being in love. I can’t imagine a happier moment than when someone finally tells me that they love me and I can truly reciprocate the feeling.
I would love to get married and have children, perhaps a daughter, that looked like her mother that I could dote upon at will, and hear her laugh.
I love it when children laugh, it seems so innocent and pure, something I miss in myself.
I greatly fear when people read this, because I am afraid that they will hate me.
I have horrible secrets, that have hurt so many people, yet they will never know.
I value all of my friends, but am afraid to tell them, for fear of being thought mushy and stupid.
I sometimes feel like people only like me when I am an asshole.
I am an asshole deep down inside, the kind and asshole battle constantly, yet at the very core of my being, there is a small child playing with butterflies in a garden that is warm and full of beautiful flowers.
I like being outside, and feeling the earth with my entire body as I explore and use it.
I sometimes pretend to kill myself and imagine it, and I always imagine the world being a better place.
I want to believe in God, but bitterness is a shield between me and the faith I have had since I was a child. I believe in god like a child, I marvel and humble myself before such an awesome being, yet cannot imagine actually giving up my belief; it is the core of who I am.
I remember every horrible, stupid, and childish thing that I do even years afterwards, and it fills my being with incredible shame.
I wish that I could help everyone, like superman, and that people would give me an honest chance and let me do the same for them.
I love horrible music, movies, funky shit, dancing, and just plain being wild.
I am tough, because it is not easy to be me, and it has profoundly shaped me.
I have been really fucked over by women, many women, and do not know if I will ever fully trust another woman again, just because of a select few.
I don’t let people get close to me, and when they begin to get close, I will cut my ties with them because they make me afraid, I think that they are only getting close to hurt me.
I was, until recently, completely unable to cry. It took my grandmother’s horrible death to finally break down the wall. I haven’t cried before that in years. If I said that I did, I was lying.
I have tears in my eyes as I am writing this now.
I hate opening my heart, because for all the wonderful people that fill it with joy and laughter, there always seem to be more that want to take this joy and wonder, to make themselves feel like better people.
I long to meet someone that actually sees me for who I am, and recognizes and appreciates it, so that we can live a long and happy life together, somewhere.
I wish I could go to the South Harmon Institute of Technology and study…being myself. It has been so long since I have actually acted like myself that I don’t even know that I remember how. I feel like people, all people, can see this change in me and look down upon me for it, and I cry at them to see me, the real me, but they never do. I dream all the time about it, horrible dreams that leave me screaming in the end, but the louder my screams the farther away I am to everyone.
In the end, I am a synthesis of everything. In actuality, I suppose I am the same person that woke up this morning, and will go to bed tonight. But it is a frightening and horrible thing not to know oneself, and even more frightening to hate oneself.
I realize now, in my stupidity, that I should really give many people a true, honest-to-god second chance. That, if I can have one and use it to the fullest, then they should have the same opportunity. I really hope that everyone that reads this takes my apology, and extends the same to me. My friends, please don’t let any issue we have between us lie there any longer, let this short life we live be full of merriment and laughter, not sorrow and loneliness.
If you notice a change in me, please, try not to judge me too harshly-I am still trying to figure out who Kevin Hearn really is. But, for now, for the first time in years, I think that I finally have an idea.