Mike Birbiglia's Advice for American College Freshmen
Know the difference between “campus police” and “police.”
Police carry guns. Campus police carry flashlights and sometimes water bottles. If the police show up, immediately declare yourself the “sober white one at the party” and you’re just there for Andy’s birthday.
Go to your classes, at least sometimes.
So often in my life I will know something like the acronym for an obscure disease or the geopolitical makeup of a nation in South America and I’ll think, “I’m glad I went to 1/8th of my classes in college.”
Know the genre of college you’re attending and adjust your behavior accordingly.
At some Christian colleges, you can get expelled for drinking a beer. Meanwhile, there are some small liberal arts colleges in Vermont that will expel you for not sharing your weed with the dean.
When choosing your courses, remember, not all -ologies are the same level of difficulty:
Biology: Hard!
Sociology: Easy
Psychology: Call the college in advance and ask if it’s hard or easy.
Always be aware of when your roommate is in the room.
My first week in college I had that conversation on the phone with my parents about my roommate while my roommate was standing right there and I had to answer that series of yes and no questions about the roommate. “Does he smell like olives?” “Yes.” And then I had to change up my code language. They were like, “Is he hard to live with?” And I’d go, “Let’s go there. Let’s do that.”
It’s okay to go a little wild on spring break
But don’t sign any releases handed to you by cameramen.
Uncomfortable around women and minorities?
Join a fraternity.
The people you meet in your first two weeks are not your friends.
They are the people you’ll be making fun of in the third and fourth weeks.
For the girls: Don’t feel like you have to sleep with the first guy on your floor who makes a pass at you. That guy is a loser.
The second guy is way better.
For the guys: You never had a girlfriend in high school, so you think you will now?
The good news is, you will. The bad news is, your new girlfriend has never had a boyfriend.
You don’t have to pretend you’re in an 80s college movie.
This isn’t Old School or Animal House. It’s more like Revenge of The Nerds where your goal is to gain the acceptance of the Greek council by writing an elaborate rap song about nothing.
Whatever you do, don’t join an a capella singing group.
If you do accidentally join one of these groups, make sure to kill yourself and everyone in the group.
Don’t assume everyone has friends but you.
Remember, starting college is like going to the first day of nursery school. The best you can do is try not to crap your pants.