Lights.
It's been a while since I even considered writing anything. I have no idea what's up with me. I'm just so...tired. No idea. Anyways, I guess I'm back. I don't know when I'll get the inspiration to write anything else, but read this while I'm here again!
By the way, sorry for the depressing fic. I just feel awful right now.
Title: Lights
Pairings: Ian/Anthony, Anthony/Kalel, Anthony/Melanie
Ratings/Warnings: Pg-13. Swearing.
Summary:It's the start of the New Year, and Ian has a few things on his mind.
Disclaimer: None of this is real, of course. Just my mind being silly.
“The lights are nice.”
Ian felt his eyes glaze over like two large marine marbles, as they bore into the manifestation of colorful flashes and eruptions of fireworks that officially signaled the beginning of the New Year. He inhaled the cool morning air collectedly, as if taking a sip out of the deep bowl of the seemingly empty, dark sky. Ian exhaled, aiming the sharp breath up, in effort to brush aside a wisp of his stubborn deep-fawn hair, without having to reach out of his warm jacket pocket. Rocking on his heels apprehensively, he inched his covered shoulders towards his cold, red ears and reluctantly let them drop again from to the discomfort of the position. He blew another stronger breath out towards the thick fringe of hair on his forehead, trying his best to fix the itching sensation the one stray strand of hair brought to his shivering skin. Giving up, he stiffly shook his head to the left; forcing his hair to fall back into the form Anthony always fondly teased him about.
Abruptly thinking of Anthony, Ian casually tilted his head to the left to look at his friend, who was too preoccupied in holding his girlfriend than to respond to Ian’s failed start of a casual conversation. Anthony’s dark hair was now tinted green and blue, mirroring the fast-changing colors in the sky. Ian watched Anthony’s dark lips contour into a large, dignified smile that absolutely tore Ian’s heart into pieces inside his fast-rising chest. That smile wasn’t for him. Ian looked away silently, feeling the cracking wind scream into his rosy ears and scrape and shave over his reddened cheeks. He suddenly felt more alone with Anthony and his girlfriend than if he were standing by himself.
“That one looks like a deformed rabbit,” Kalel called out, laughing loudly at a bright pink explosion that slowly fizzled and blinked out into the smokey sky.
“Uh, you look like a deformed rabbit.” Anthony snorted, nudging Kalel’s shoulder.
“Huh?” Kalel turned to face her boyfriend with a puzzled expression, “Nah-uh, I don’t think so.” She pushed him away playfully, giggling in amusement as Anthony came back to her, grabbing sweatshirt-covered arms in a strong embrace, burying his grinning face into her soft auburn hair.
Like a vagrant dog, Ian started moving away from the couple slowly. Ian held his breath and bowed his head to watch the dismal, color-reflecting sidewalk. He tried so hard to resist the firework’s call for his attention with the excessively festive flashing and bellowing, ribcage shuddering booms. Ian only managed to back away four meters before he carelessly smashed his heels on a fire hydrant, causing him to curse out silently.
“Ian?” Anthony asked, turning away from a concerned-looking Kalel.
“Huh? What?” Ian attempted to sound confused, as if he was trying to convince his friend he had only been sleepwalking.
“Is everything alright, Ian?” Kalel waved sweetly, with her thin and neat eyebrows furrowing slightly.
“Oh, yeah.” Ian said patting the hydrant absent-mindedly. “Just fine.”
Even from the darkness of the atmosphere, Ian could see Anthony raise a thick, dark eyebrow in suspicion. “You sure?”
“Yep.” Ian nodded hysterically, brown hair bobbing up and down excessively and suddenly adding, “I’m going for a quick walk. I’ll be back in a few...”
He whisked his body around sharply and paced away before finishing his weak sentence with his quavering lips. He felt like an idiot. He felt his chest shudder. His steps were too quick, which made it obvious to Anthony that something was not right with him. The brisk walk turned into a desperate sprint as he paced around a corner.
Huffing loudly, Ian pushed his legs as far as they could stretch, covering the rushing pavement below him. He felt the echoing booms of the fireworks behind him slowly fade, as he kept going, throat cold and raw. An unfamiliar tingle, which started in his nose, painfully vibrated around his face, which was followed by a wetness that seeped from his reddening eyes. The wind hurt. Not nearly as much as being with Anthony did.
Feeling as though his chest was about to explode, Ian leaned against a light post, heaving out dry agonizingly deep breaths. His thighs burned with an intense fiery pain, which seemed to sear through his hips and back. Just standing, Ian felt as though his muscles were about to slough off his bones. He choked suddenly, tears rushing from his blurry eyes, as he fell to the ground in a shivering clump, the sweat on his body drying and cooling him instantly, leaving him with a feeling of vulnerability and impending doom. Instinctively, Ian wrapped his own arms around himself and sobbed into his wet forearms.
Anthony was moving out. Anthony was going to leave him. He was going to be alone. He already was alone.
He looked up blankly to the sky, searching for any remaining stars. There were none to be seen, just the depth of the slowly lightening sky and the remaining flashes from distant fireworks.
He did miss Melanie. He wanted to hold her and smell the familiarly faint perfume on her clear skin.
Ian gasped quietly and laid his head heavily into his shaking arms, as he bit down on his chapped lips.
But most of all, he wanted Anthony. He wanted his best friend to live in the same house as him, infinitely. He never wanted to miss a day without being with Anthony. He wanted Anthony as the last person he saw before bed and the first person he saw in the morning.
A sudden embrace startled Ian, causing him to jump back violently as he brutally smashed into Anthony’s nose.
“Shit,” Ian stammered, looking at his friend, who was rubbing his face. “I’m so sorry. Are you okay?” Ian tried to dry his tears quickly, sniffling as quietly as possible, as he crawled over to Anthony.
“I’m fine.” Anthony said, sitting down next to Ian. “…But it’s obvious you’re not.”
“Nah, I’m good. I just don’t like fireworks.” Ian said, crossing his legs.
“Bull-fucking-shit.” Anthony scoffed. “Since when do fireworks make you cry?”
Ian had no reply, he just smiled foolishly as he silently looked at his shoes and swallowed a ball of sickly saliva.
“Come on, man, talk to me.” Anthony murmured, wrapping a strong arm around Ian’s shivering shoulder. “What’s up?”
“Where’s…” Ian drifted away and stopped himself.
“She’s inside now. I told her I had to go. She understands.”
“It’s funny,” Ian chuckled wearily, shaking his head, “It’s funny because she doesn’t understand. She doesn’t understand shit.”
“What the fuck are you talking about?”
“What I’m saying,” Ian said louder now, straightening his spine in a loud crack, “Is that she doesn’t understand how much she’s moving us apart from each other. How much she’s hurting me.”
“Ian, I thought…I thought this wasn’t…a problem…”
“You’re right.” Ian shook himself away from Anthony, trying to stand up and nearly toppling over himself.
“This isn’t a problem. It’s a fucking disaster. Anthony, it’s hurting us! Hell…I don’t even think it’s hurting you. You’re totally okay with this, aren’t you? You don’t give a shit, do you? The only one whose getting hurt is me. It’s fucking me that’s dying inside!”
“Ian, stop.” Anthony sprung up and grabbed Ian by the shoulders, shaking him slightly. “What the hell has gotten into you?”
“What the hell has gotten into you?! Did you not forget how much I care about you?” Ian screamed blindly.
“If you cared about me, you’d let me live my own life!” Anthony spat, fingers digging into Ian’s shaking limbs.
“I’m sorry.” Ian said slowly, turning his face away from Anthony. “’Care’ isn’t the right word.”
“Then what is?” Anthony narrowed his eyes. “Ian, I’m sorry, but I feel like I don’t even know you anymore. You’ve never reacted like this before!”
“I’m the same guy I’ve always been.” Ian hissed.
“Are you drunk?”
“No!” Ian shouted, pushing himself away. “Since when does drinking give an excuse to show emotion once in a while?”
“That’s not what I mean, Ian.” Anthony took a deep breath, reaching for his friend’s sleeve.
Ian batted his friend’s arm away, and took a big step back. “Well, what do you mean?”
“It’s just…you’re so upset…and so sudden, too. I don’t understand. You’re different, Ian.”
“You’re right.” Ian sniffed into his arm. “Because you know what?” He looked up, eyes burning.
Looking at his friend hurt inside. He wanted Anthony forever. He knew with a start like this, it would never happen. He knew Anthony’s presence in his life was slipping away quickly, and there was no stopping it. There was no stopping his feelings either and his jolting attraction to his best friend that felt sickening to him It was going nowhere, and the only way to stop everything else was to stop himself entirely.
Anthony stood silently, breathing out loudly. His eyes were wide with anger and a confused hatred, as he waited to hear Ian’s voice once more.
“I love you.” Ian choked, his tears creating shimmering reflections of the dull streetlight on his stinging and cold cheeks. “I want you, but I can’t have you.”
Ian closed his eyes, letting the tears fall rapidly down his face and into his jacket, soaking his shirt.
“I love you so much, Anthony. ”
Ian quickly pushed his arms into Anthony’s firm stomach one last time and caught a glimpse of Anthony’s staggering movements before hastily turning away. Anthony’s eyes grew wide, mouth twisted into an open blood-chilling scream as he watched Ian run away again, this time into the brightness of the headlights of a quickly incoming car.