FUCK
OK so basically things just exploded in my face all of a sudden...
Ryan broke up with me 2 days ago. I don't think it's permanent, and I don't want it to be, but it's all up to him.
He is back in Wilmington living with his sister until further notice and he's looking for jobs. Good ones. How come he's so motivated now, but when he lives with me he slacks off? I still live in Centerville and I'm going to TRY to keep the apartment on my own. Working at Wendy's I don't know if it's possible. But I'm going to try.
Maybe the time apart is good for us. Maybe. Time for personal growth and reflection and all that. Maybe he'll figure out it's time to act like an almost 20 year old adult and not a 16 year old boy and come back feeling he left behind of all his old bad ways and hopefully have some new great habits.
I want to have faith that he and I will change for the better. He's coming down tonight around 5 or 6 and goddamn if I have to sell all my organs to get him to come back I will. I mean, I'm losing sleep over this. I didn't think it would affect me this way but it feels like my second (not necessarilly better) half is missing and I don't feel whole.
I need to go home and eat some leftover kimchee and wake my senses up. I feel like a zombie. Living Dead Girl. That's me. I wake up more tired than when I went to bed. I only get about 4 hours of sleep then I wake up, and no one is next to me and I can't go back to sleep. I'm a wretched mess.
I'm so ready for change. I want this relationship to go somewhere. I'm looking up counseling in the area. I don't care what you say about counseling, I'll try anytihng once. You never know until you try. I'm not willing to give up just yet. I'm stronger than this.
Ryan broke up with me 2 days ago. I don't think it's permanent, and I don't want it to be, but it's all up to him.
He is back in Wilmington living with his sister until further notice and he's looking for jobs. Good ones. How come he's so motivated now, but when he lives with me he slacks off? I still live in Centerville and I'm going to TRY to keep the apartment on my own. Working at Wendy's I don't know if it's possible. But I'm going to try.
Maybe the time apart is good for us. Maybe. Time for personal growth and reflection and all that. Maybe he'll figure out it's time to act like an almost 20 year old adult and not a 16 year old boy and come back feeling he left behind of all his old bad ways and hopefully have some new great habits.
I want to have faith that he and I will change for the better. He's coming down tonight around 5 or 6 and goddamn if I have to sell all my organs to get him to come back I will. I mean, I'm losing sleep over this. I didn't think it would affect me this way but it feels like my second (not necessarilly better) half is missing and I don't feel whole.
I need to go home and eat some leftover kimchee and wake my senses up. I feel like a zombie. Living Dead Girl. That's me. I wake up more tired than when I went to bed. I only get about 4 hours of sleep then I wake up, and no one is next to me and I can't go back to sleep. I'm a wretched mess.
I'm so ready for change. I want this relationship to go somewhere. I'm looking up counseling in the area. I don't care what you say about counseling, I'll try anytihng once. You never know until you try. I'm not willing to give up just yet. I'm stronger than this.