(no subject)

[ihana]

last night i decided i should go out and be social, i havent in a while, it sounded like an ok idea,... so we went over to this house full of stupid drunk stupid new yorker snowboarder boys, like 17 of them... they all looked the same. talked to same... i mean , they were playing 'beer pong'... funfunfun... so instead of acting like i should have (which probably would have been throwing myself wholeheartedly into a game of good old fashioned, 'beerpong'. hah) i sat there watching, observing, and eventualy it was somewhat amusing.. then i found a ride home.. it was a complete waste of time.. see if i try to be social ever again,.. its just no good.
so today ive been one year in bend.... its crazy... that long... bend is the first place ive ever chosen to move to, and im still here , still surviving.. and if ive been a year here, that means ive been gone from finland in a year and a half... a most-disturbing thought... i still miss it alot... its hard to explain to people who have lived somewhere all of their life, or for a number of years even... ive never really lived anywhere long enough to take on that culture, that identity, at least when youve lived here forever you get that much, ive ended up with nothing.... i have no culture, no identity, no feeling of community, no sense of belonging...
god im in such a whiney mood today. sorry.