(no subject)
well that went ok.
i think at least this time around if we're gonna break up we'll be able to do it on some non-stressful terms.
and if not well then i guess i'll just say i told myself so and carry on with feeling sorry for myself and slowly accumulate garbage and cats until i hoard myself to death
LOL gross i hope not
that show hoarders scares the crap outta me though. not because of how gross living conditions end up getting but because i can relate so easily to those poor lost people. i know what it's like to watch dishes pile up in the sink and on the counters and the table and suddenly everywhere else, and watch mold grow on them and on shit in the fridge, and watch flies start to breed, and watch laundry piles slowly start to form..... i have seen it with my own eyes in my own fucking apartment and i know how sad it feels to be that person, that lone person just sitting and watching it. watching it but not doing anything about it, because it seems so unreal that you could end up in that position, so unreal that you could make so much mess because it feels like you don't do anything. but that's the whole point - you don't do anything. and you get stuck in that routine of doing nothing and watching as everything piles up around you and soon you lack all motivation to crawl out from the rubble, you just want it to collapse on top of you, and soon that's all you're waiting for............
usually i somehow muster up enough motivation to climb out of the rubble and clean up a large majority of it before it starts to slowly accumulate all over again... it is a delicate process vastly dependant on my moods and the amount of time spent in between cleaning sessions. if i clean every day i can keep feelings of worthlessness and inferiority to a minimum but if i miss even one day everything gets fucked and it takes me much too long to get back into the routine.
on that note, i'd like to say that all things considered i actually feel like i'm in a pretty good mood right now. granted since the big fight the other day i haven't done any cleaning - of my apartment OR myself for that matter - but after making up with him today i feel like a lot of weight has been lifted from my shoulders and if i can manage to wake up feeling refreshed this afternoon i might be able to talk myself into doing at least an hour of solid cleaning as well as showering and brushing my teeth.
wow when i talk about it like this i feel like such a fucking failure. i hope that i did the right thing tonight.
it didn't feel right to leave things between us on such uncomfortable terms, but was it right to decide to give the relationship another shot? it feels nice in his arms when we're getting along and it really makes me happy when i can make him happy, but not if i have to work at it.
sometimes it feels like he makes me work at it just to see how much i love him. and if that's really how it is then there's no way we're gonna make it. but if i'm not willing to work at it then why would i even agree to giving it another shot? i dont think i would have agreed though if i really felt that it was going to be a lot of work. anyway theres nothing wrong with a little bit of a challenge.
this staying up all night until 6:30 in the morning though has really got to come to an end. before it was acceptable because it was new years, and my cousin was visiting and as per our family tradition we spent as much time together as possible since we see each other so rarely. but i really hate how he keeps me up all night because it's convenient for him, knowing full well how much it screws up pretty much everything for me.
fuck but i really am not trying to think about all the negatives right now. i get so caught up in all the bullshit sometimes that i forget to cherish the good things. i get so focused on how he can be so selfish, ignorant and rude that i stop seeing how thoughtful and sweet and gentle and caring he really is.
so on that note i'm not even going to play sims after posting this, i'm going to go straight to sleep. and when i wake up i'm going to spend a full hour washing dishes before showering and then i am going to call him and tell him i love him.
is it a lie if you aren't sure if it's true?
i think at least this time around if we're gonna break up we'll be able to do it on some non-stressful terms.
and if not well then i guess i'll just say i told myself so and carry on with feeling sorry for myself and slowly accumulate garbage and cats until i hoard myself to death
LOL gross i hope not
that show hoarders scares the crap outta me though. not because of how gross living conditions end up getting but because i can relate so easily to those poor lost people. i know what it's like to watch dishes pile up in the sink and on the counters and the table and suddenly everywhere else, and watch mold grow on them and on shit in the fridge, and watch flies start to breed, and watch laundry piles slowly start to form..... i have seen it with my own eyes in my own fucking apartment and i know how sad it feels to be that person, that lone person just sitting and watching it. watching it but not doing anything about it, because it seems so unreal that you could end up in that position, so unreal that you could make so much mess because it feels like you don't do anything. but that's the whole point - you don't do anything. and you get stuck in that routine of doing nothing and watching as everything piles up around you and soon you lack all motivation to crawl out from the rubble, you just want it to collapse on top of you, and soon that's all you're waiting for............
usually i somehow muster up enough motivation to climb out of the rubble and clean up a large majority of it before it starts to slowly accumulate all over again... it is a delicate process vastly dependant on my moods and the amount of time spent in between cleaning sessions. if i clean every day i can keep feelings of worthlessness and inferiority to a minimum but if i miss even one day everything gets fucked and it takes me much too long to get back into the routine.
on that note, i'd like to say that all things considered i actually feel like i'm in a pretty good mood right now. granted since the big fight the other day i haven't done any cleaning - of my apartment OR myself for that matter - but after making up with him today i feel like a lot of weight has been lifted from my shoulders and if i can manage to wake up feeling refreshed this afternoon i might be able to talk myself into doing at least an hour of solid cleaning as well as showering and brushing my teeth.
wow when i talk about it like this i feel like such a fucking failure. i hope that i did the right thing tonight.
it didn't feel right to leave things between us on such uncomfortable terms, but was it right to decide to give the relationship another shot? it feels nice in his arms when we're getting along and it really makes me happy when i can make him happy, but not if i have to work at it.
sometimes it feels like he makes me work at it just to see how much i love him. and if that's really how it is then there's no way we're gonna make it. but if i'm not willing to work at it then why would i even agree to giving it another shot? i dont think i would have agreed though if i really felt that it was going to be a lot of work. anyway theres nothing wrong with a little bit of a challenge.
this staying up all night until 6:30 in the morning though has really got to come to an end. before it was acceptable because it was new years, and my cousin was visiting and as per our family tradition we spent as much time together as possible since we see each other so rarely. but i really hate how he keeps me up all night because it's convenient for him, knowing full well how much it screws up pretty much everything for me.
fuck but i really am not trying to think about all the negatives right now. i get so caught up in all the bullshit sometimes that i forget to cherish the good things. i get so focused on how he can be so selfish, ignorant and rude that i stop seeing how thoughtful and sweet and gentle and caring he really is.
so on that note i'm not even going to play sims after posting this, i'm going to go straight to sleep. and when i wake up i'm going to spend a full hour washing dishes before showering and then i am going to call him and tell him i love him.
is it a lie if you aren't sure if it's true?