(no subject)
I am a confused human being. I have my wants and needs sorted out like stacks of clean laundry. I know the past, present, and future of my life for the most part. I know what I want to be, how I'm going to be it, where I'm going to do it, why I am pursuing this profession. I understand every aspect of my psychology. I am by no means confused whatsoever. And although everything in life is clearly laid out for me, I am not happy, solely because I am happy. I am better off miserable because misery was made for me. I feel uneasy, socially and emotionally inaccessible, in a way, restless. I am by no means content with life. It is not an exciting time for Conor Awesome Kennedy. It's like watching a mediocre movie 10 times. You're just waiting for the good parts and bored during the slower parts. I really have nothing to live for. I'm not depressed about it, just unimpressed with how life has spun me. I am fully aware of what the future holds, and I'm not comfortable with that. Even the things I am not positive of, the coin flips and possibilities. Quite frankly, either way, I don't give a damn what happens anymore. The problem with having simple wants and simple desires but constantly demanding complex emotions like love! and compassion! and a change in temperature! is that it leaves me feeling like this is not who I want to be. Unfulfillment with current situation commonly leads to ambition, but I don't have the work ethic for ambition. I want to move out soon, I want to live on my own schedule, I want to feel like I have the world by the balls, not the other way around. I feel like I have an unhealthy infatuation with the concept of suicide and that I won't naturally live out my days. It's not that I feel like doing it soon, I just want to be able to make a statement about my death, since I'm trying so hard to make a statement with my life. I just want to do it without shaking the community. I don't want my friends and relatives to be like "I WISH THERE WAS SOMETHING I COULD DO" because there isn't, really. There is no chemical or social way to repair constantly being unfulfilled with everything. I don't want my death to be a struggle. I don't want it to be expected. I just want people to evaluate my life on a less emotional level. Something like "Wow, I actually never looked at it that way. Hmmm." I want to be celebrated, not mourned. My constant need for control in every aspect of life might be the driving positive to suicide, solely because I'd rather be able to take my life my own way, rather than suffer and die, shamefully to nature, or God, or disease, or to fate. I think once I am religiously and emotionally comfortable with how life is and what I believe to be true, I think that's when I'll comfortably be able to take my own life. I just want to off myself once I feel I've broken even, socially, psychologically, theologically, emotionally, and physically. But that likely won't be for another 20 or 30 years, hopefully. We'll see.