A tea trip sans RR
This weekend we made our trip to Richmond for new tea for Chinese New Year as well as decorations for the same, and a sim sum splurge as well. RR backed out of joining us (it would have been his first tea trip with us) for obvious reasons. Instead we invited KK and her roommate M, both big tea drinkers.
It wasn't quite what I had imagined when we'd first planned this trip, and I thought of RR quite often during the trip, but we still managed to have a very good time. It was comforting to see our favorite shopkeepers, who are a bit like extended family after this many years of spending hours with them tasting teas on every visit. We were even given some nice New Years gifts and indulged in some extra-special (and expensive) once-a-year teas like another batch of 70-year undomesticated arboreal pu-erh. I would have loved to have shared this tea trip experience with RR, and also of course with DB (my original tea temptress).
I thought that writing down my thoughts about RR in my last LJ entry would have helped blow the cobwebs from my mind, but I find myself as deeply embedded in muddy and circular thoughts as ever. I come to a conclusion, I examine it at length and find it reasonable, and then hours later that same thought seems so naive or off-base. I keep having to trim the excess chains of thought and start again from the basic facts.
The basic facts are that I feel uncomfortable with certain aspects of our relationship, and that discomfort has been growing rather than fading as I know RR better. Which is ironic as on an emotional level I've been growing in my comfort level with him until this past week's bruhaha.
I can understand RR's frustration with me -- absolutely nothing coming between us has a thing to do with anything in his power to change. He's done nothing wrong. I'm not sure if I have any control over it either though. And now that it's became a charged issue between us I can't help but feel that the problem will be exacerbated, a vicious loop feeding upon itself with every iteration.
RR's hurting and feeling blind-sided. He's been amazingly fair by not lashing out more than he has. He's even stayed in contact instead of withdrawing completely.
I'm hurting at finding that what I hoped would be a minor speed-bump between us turned into a brick wall. Like RR, this experience has put a strain on trust between us. As is natural my pain has triggered flashes of anger and exasperation, but RR is some blameless in this situation that these feeling have nothing to latch onto and they self-implode with an unsatisfied feeling left dwelling inside me.
So the next natural feeling comes along: run and hide. It's the voice that says: "even if the pieces are all put back together this time, what's to say it won't break again and hurt anew a few weeks or months in the future?" I find thoughts crossing my mind, like an urge to become completely celibate for at least a year or two, or withdraw from the whole world (perhaps by joining a Buddhist sect and meditating for 18 hours a day). These options sound absurd, but it's hard to convey just how much appeal they seriously have for me.
L, and even VL, have been supportive throughout the last week, offering me an immense amount of comfort, shoulders to cry on, and a willing ear. Neither has been critical of RR as might be expected of a protective lover -- they're both very intelligent and compassionate women who understand what I need at the moment. I'm very thankful for having them in my life.
I wish I could fast-forward past this painful part of my life and get to where it just doesn't hurt any more. Wasn't there a movie based on that concept a few years back? Regardless, if I don't go through this now I won't learn from it and hopefully avoid this heartache next time.
It wasn't quite what I had imagined when we'd first planned this trip, and I thought of RR quite often during the trip, but we still managed to have a very good time. It was comforting to see our favorite shopkeepers, who are a bit like extended family after this many years of spending hours with them tasting teas on every visit. We were even given some nice New Years gifts and indulged in some extra-special (and expensive) once-a-year teas like another batch of 70-year undomesticated arboreal pu-erh. I would have loved to have shared this tea trip experience with RR, and also of course with DB (my original tea temptress).
I thought that writing down my thoughts about RR in my last LJ entry would have helped blow the cobwebs from my mind, but I find myself as deeply embedded in muddy and circular thoughts as ever. I come to a conclusion, I examine it at length and find it reasonable, and then hours later that same thought seems so naive or off-base. I keep having to trim the excess chains of thought and start again from the basic facts.
The basic facts are that I feel uncomfortable with certain aspects of our relationship, and that discomfort has been growing rather than fading as I know RR better. Which is ironic as on an emotional level I've been growing in my comfort level with him until this past week's bruhaha.
I can understand RR's frustration with me -- absolutely nothing coming between us has a thing to do with anything in his power to change. He's done nothing wrong. I'm not sure if I have any control over it either though. And now that it's became a charged issue between us I can't help but feel that the problem will be exacerbated, a vicious loop feeding upon itself with every iteration.
RR's hurting and feeling blind-sided. He's been amazingly fair by not lashing out more than he has. He's even stayed in contact instead of withdrawing completely.
I'm hurting at finding that what I hoped would be a minor speed-bump between us turned into a brick wall. Like RR, this experience has put a strain on trust between us. As is natural my pain has triggered flashes of anger and exasperation, but RR is some blameless in this situation that these feeling have nothing to latch onto and they self-implode with an unsatisfied feeling left dwelling inside me.
So the next natural feeling comes along: run and hide. It's the voice that says: "even if the pieces are all put back together this time, what's to say it won't break again and hurt anew a few weeks or months in the future?" I find thoughts crossing my mind, like an urge to become completely celibate for at least a year or two, or withdraw from the whole world (perhaps by joining a Buddhist sect and meditating for 18 hours a day). These options sound absurd, but it's hard to convey just how much appeal they seriously have for me.
L, and even VL, have been supportive throughout the last week, offering me an immense amount of comfort, shoulders to cry on, and a willing ear. Neither has been critical of RR as might be expected of a protective lover -- they're both very intelligent and compassionate women who understand what I need at the moment. I'm very thankful for having them in my life.
I wish I could fast-forward past this painful part of my life and get to where it just doesn't hurt any more. Wasn't there a movie based on that concept a few years back? Regardless, if I don't go through this now I won't learn from it and hopefully avoid this heartache next time.