TROY
LOL I'M WATCHING TROY
[don't shoot me if I'm not even remotely historically accurate, I get most of my learnings from fiction.]
LOL ACHILLES JUST. LOL. that poor kid. and he's like WHATEEEEEEVS *SPARKLES* *RIDES OFF INTO THE WILD BLUE YONDER, YEP I'M AN ASSHOLE* love himmm.
"Imagine a king who fights his own battles. Wouldn't that be a sight." Oh god and all I can think of is Alexander, beautiful Alexander, who would have taken on the entire Trojan army himself if his friends aka the entire greek army would let him. But noooo they'd be like OMFG WE LOVE YOU ALEXANDER, DO NOT DO THIS *dogpile* and then they would win. But Achilles is Alexander's hero and just. Just.
Yes, I'm going to be talking about Alexander 99.99999% of the time here, so just stfu, okay? I LIKE ALEXANDER.
"Is there no one else..." Oh god he's so beautiful *wibbles*
OH GOD LOL I FORGOT THAT ORLANDO BLOOM WAS IN THIS. BRB OVARIES IGNITING. ORLIE AND ERIC IN ONE FRAME? *INSTANT COMBUSTION*
yes, all my favorite actors have been in at least one period drama. shut up.
OH PARIS YOU NAUGHTY THING, GOING AFTER HER LIKE THAT!!!!! also lol what totally thought he was going to mack on hector there, WOAH. mmm, trojans.
"That's what you said last night." Oh, okay, they have a Thing going. ALL GOOD THEN! I APPROVE! I approve even more of their eyesex then, too, nom nom nom.
Okay hnnnnnngh hot blond lady with wispy curls, nuzzling woobie-looking Orlando Bloom's hands, then he asks if he should go, and then they make out and just, just, I love everything about this scene. Panties on fiiiiiire.
Oh god Orlando Bloom is so good at this. This is where I love him best, dark hair, huge woobie, totally innocent and retarded and 'uhhhh yeah we'll die but... but... i'll love you!!' lol lol love him. would never ever want someone like that but he makes for an adorable character.
OH MY GOD ERIC BANA HECTOR MARRY ME. I seriously heard Paris go "...Do you love me?" and I thought, oh please, let him be all :| what have you done NOW, and THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT HE DID/SAID. OMFG DOE EYES. DROOL. HECTORRRR.
OH GOD!!!!! NEGL, HECTOR MAKES ME SO FUCKING HAPPY. DUTY OVER LOVE, AND FAMILY/COUNTRY OVER BLOND TRAMPS!!! STICK IT TO HIM, HECTOR!!!!! TURN THIS FUCKING SHIP AROUND!!!!!
"I won't ask you to fight my war."
"You already have."
MY HEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAART!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Awwwww I even love Agamemnon and Menelaus. BROTHER HUGS. LOVE IT. SNIFFLE.
"There's only one man he'll listen to."
IS- IS- ARE THEY TALKING ABOUT------- [later edit: no, it isn't, but wth ever, it's his entrance anyway!!!!]
OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD
OKAY I AM LEGIT FREAKING OUT, PATROCLUS PATROCLUS PATROCLUS PATROCLUS PATROCLUS PATROCLUS PATROCLUS PATROCLUS
GOD HE'S SUCH A SCAMP, LOOKIT HIM
GOD
HI ZEUS I MEAN
LOL COUSIN, SURE. VERY FUNNY. GOING TO FORGET YOU SAID THAT NOW.
LOOK AT HIS GORGEOUS FAAAAAAAAACE
OH GOD HE SMACKED HIS ASS
Okay stop saying cousin, rofl. ICWYDT. And I don't like it. GTFO my homos.
Side note: loving Zeus (whateverhisnameis) as Odysseus. He's just wonderful. A++ and all that.
And, well, if you couldn't figure out by now that I LOVE Braddie as Achilles, idk idk. Because I would have said something if I didn't? TRANSLATION I FUCKING LOVE HIM, OKAY, HE IS EPIC AND PRETTY AND HEROIC AND COY AND EVERYTHING ACHILLES SHOULD BE.
Eh, really not liking his mommy. Thetis I think? idefk, I don't like her destiny speech, it's a) boring, b) too revealing, c) if she's a real mom she'd just be like DON'T GO TO TROY. DON'T DO IT. DO NOT GO TO TROY SOB MY BABY. (or, you know, something) and that would sort of clue him in to the whole, if you go, you will die thing but he totes knows about the ~~glory and all that. IDK. Whatever. Just loving that Percy has so much more in common with Achilles, even if their motives are different.
// ALEXANDER BREAK //
oh god when wee!Alex is asked why he likes Achilles best, the first thing he says - "Because he loved Patroclus. And avenged his death." Just. ASHKJLHGKJG I love Alexander looking up to Achilles, will never not love that. Especially since Alexander is a child of Zeus he is okay and Patroclus was from the sea, like Percy, idk idk I just love them all, all the gay heroes.
// BACK TO THE MOVIE //
jdfghlsjdghsfd that woman. Hector's wife. I want to be herrrrr.
*insert epically long self-reflection crisis on The Times That I Am Not Gay, ergo, right the hell now*
Omg I love how ~sensible~ Hector is. He's so fucking down to earth and smart and sensitive and capable and he ~understands~ shit, and he loves his fucking country, and and and and and....
I LOVE YOU ACHILLES. KEEP SMIRKIN LIKE A SMIRKY THING. OH HEART.
YES, AGAMEMNON, SUCK IT. HE IS GOING TO TAKE THE BEACH OF TROY WITH FIFTY MEN. I MEAN, FOR FUCK'S SAKE, WHAT DID YOU INVITE HIM TO THIS PARTY FOR, ANYWAY?!?!?!
The only reason that him saying 'cousin' so much is even minorly okay is because his actions totally belie his words. Every time he says cousin? He's actually saying 'love'. DUH. Like, oh god, that sweet little cuddle. Mhfhgnm. CUDDLE MOAR, BBS.
"All my life I've lived by a code. Honor the gods. Love your woman. And defend your country!
HECTOR MARRY ME ILUSFM.
"Do you know what's waiting on that beach? Immortality. Take it, it's yours!"
I don't even think I need to say anything at this point. You all know how much I love battle speeches.
Okay, I know the forces of Troy are fucking fierce but for fuck's sake, you guys. You're the fucking Myrmidons. Don't get shot down in the first wave! .....and seriously, you don't need to show like, fifteen different Myrmidons dying in stupid ways, director-person. One or two is enough to give it that ~realism~. But seriously. These are the Myrmidons and they're practically on top of them. Give them a little credit.
...On the other hand, Troy is a city of Apollo, who - yknow - archery - so it stands to reason that their archers would be fuckin' fierce. I just hate seeing hordes of ~good fighters~ die in stupid ways right off the bat.
THEEEERE we go. TURTLE TIME!!!
I actually love how the armies are barely organized - unlike Alexander's time, when they've been fighting in groups for centuries. Here, it's still a time of heroes. Heroes who sort of happen to be shoved into a group.
God, Achilles moves like beauty itself.
OMFG. The statue. The. God. I'm like, having a mythological braingasm here, I just. Why have I never seen this movie before?????
"Perhaps your brother can comfort them. I heard he's good at charming other men's wives." And then, then, that SOUND he makes, like - Tch. YOU CATTY BITCH. ILU ACHILLES. God, this whole scene. Like a fire in my paaaaaaants.
....As you probably could have predicted, I made several ridiculous squealy noises when Patroclus nearly leaped into his arms there omfg ♥~ and he was totes like 'yeah whatever whatever don't care you're a retard- BABY ♥'
Oh sigh, now there's going to be the requisite Achilles-sleeps-with-a-girl scene, and I'm going to be quietly displeased all the way through because Patroclus isn't there.
"I want what all men want - I just wanted more." Oh, wow. There are some beautiful lines in this movie. And, so far, haven't started disliking this scene at all. Achilles is just the right amount of human-courtesy and lol-fuckit-whatever.
Okay, so, good. Never mind. That scene was lovely :)
Once again, my hackles rose when Achilles got all prissy over whatshertits but a) he would, wouldn't he, sigh and b) what she said to him! DAYUM. YOU GOT SERVED, ACHILLES. A++ LADY WHOEVERYOUARE! Now go get fucked.
Checking, checking, yep, still want to marry Hector. Honoring the gods is well and good but you have to temper it with common sense, and that is why I love him.
Ohhh god shut up Paris. (kidding, he's just so... very... Paris.) ....Oh god, his eyes! JFC. A++ makeup job there, folks. He looks like he's been crying but did his best to get over it, oh the paaaaaain i love it.
...Thinking about the founding of Troy makes me think of Ganymede. He was a prince of Troy, you know, one of the first few generations - going to have to work that sword into that story if I ever write it.
...SIGH MARRY ME HECTOR.
YAY ACHILLES AND PATROCLUS HAD DELICIOUS SEX THAT NIGHT, I DECREE IT!!
"I taught you how to fight, but I never taught you why to fight."
*eyeroll*. "I fight for you." Like, duh, you retard.
What will you fight for when I'm gone?" ah. uh. nff. gggnhhh. ;3;
Hector does die, doesn't he? Oh, lord, I am going to sob my eyes out. Though, I won't cry as much as when Patroclus dies. I'm going to fucking weep. If I remember correctly, Hector kills Patroclus, Achilles kills Hector and drags his burning body around the walls of Troy in Patroclus's chariot, and then Paris kills Achilles with an arrow that was proooobably guided by Apollo since Paris is a piece of shit. So it's all about that stupid temple. Lolol this movie isn't even canon, I need to reread the Iliad.
BATTLE TIIIIIME
...o-oh my god, Patroclus is wearing a seashell necklace that is so obviously Achilles's. NDJKGHFG BRB SOBBING.
HAHA LOOK AT THOSE BAMFS GETTING OFF THEIR HORSES IN TANDEM, i bet they rehearsed that shit for hours when they were younger. oh god stop wanting to write fic
HECTOR MARRY ME (you'd think that would get old. well, it doesn't. stfu. he's beautiful. inside and out.)
OKAY, LEGIT SQUEALED WHEN HECOTR AND PARIS HUGGED. OH GOD IT WAS A BEAUTIFUL HUG, SO PERFECT and yes, i know people ship them, but i won't be one of them, sorry. love their relationship as it is too much. see how he turned his head away when they hugged? too precious for that. and if it was romantic, he wouldn't let paris go off to this fight - juuust like Achilles wouldn't let Patroclus fight on the beach, okay. He loves him too much for that. Hector loves Paris differently. And I wouldn't change it for the world. Also? Hector is mine his BAMF wife's, and Paris is a little slut.
Okay, let me just say? I LOVE THE WAY THEY FILMED THIS. The silence, the utter lack of music, the utter lack of... anything but the pure fight - no cheap cuts, no ~dramatic camera angles~, it's just. GOD it's tense. And the bits of Agamemwhore laughing, and Hector looking grim and heartfelt, and yes. Oh. Oh. YES.
HECTOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOR
Okay i could not, I just, i COULD NOT love him more. It is not physically possible for me to love this man more. J. F. C. i am going to weep, this movie will make me CRY and it will be embarrassing. for the record, the ONLY movies i've ever cried at: what's eating gilbert grape, the joy luck club, lilo and stitch, prayers for bobby (which is a lifetime movie so that's acceptable), and alexander.
Archers of Troy? Motherfucking sexy. I also have a thing for archers. JSYK.
SCREAM HECTOR!!!!!
LOL OKAY I SWEAR HE JUST SCREAMED FIIIIIRE AND ALL I HEARD WAS FIRE EVERYTHIIIIIIIING!!!!!!! hi, Nero.
"It's no insult, to say a dead man is dead." TRUE FACTS, ODYSSEUS. LOVE YOU ♥
And once again, my doubts are assauged because this girl is actually pretty awesome, and they have intelligent conversation that brings up very, very good points. Very impressed with the het interaction in this movie. Very impressed that I love all the female characters so far. A++, Troy.
"Let me tell you a secret, something they don't teach you in your temple. The gods envy us. They envy us because we're mortal. Because any moment might be our last. Everything's more beautiful, because we're doomed. You will never be lovelier than you are now. We will never be here again."
"I thought you were a dumb brute. I could've forgiven a dumb brute." Again, loving it. Loving them. But please don't bang, please don't ruin it with sex this time.
Oh god. Oh god. This scene. It's exactly mirrored with Alexander and Roxane, even the lines are the same. Do it. Do it. And that's where he gets his courage from, oh fuck. It's like... it's like Jack and the Doctor, for fuck's sake. The Doctor is this flawed person who makes himself out to be a hero and Jack, Jack is truly beautiful, but only because he's modeled himself utterly after the Doctor. God. It's so incredible. Wow. Okay. Brain exploding.
NO. DON'T FUCKING SLEEP TOGETHER DON'T FUCKING RUIN THIS AND DON'T MAKE IT ALL ABOUT SEX. GOD-FUCKING-DAMNIT!!!!
UGH CAN'T STAND THIS. IT ISN'T ABOUT THAT AND I HATE HOW IT ALWAYS HAS TO BE ABOUT THAT, CAN'T SHE HAVE HER MAIDENLY PRIDE??? CAN'T THEY AFFECT EACH OTHER'S LIVES AND NOT HAVE TO SLEEP TOGETHER BECAUSE OF IT????
and this ISN'T about Patroclus, for ONCE. Achilles sleeps around!! OF COURSE HE DOES. It's her I'm bitching for, because she's a goddamn temple maiden and for once I'd like to see someone strong about their chastity! Especially when she is honestly disgusted by how many people who's killed, and how many more he will kill!!! And the way they talk, intelligently, and what he's said to her, that she's mortal and that's beautiful and HE SAVED HER FROM BEING RAPED BY IDIOTS and it just isn't fair because a girl like her deserves someone who will really love her, and Achilles won't and can't. JFC.
*COULD RANT ABOUT THIS FOREVER. WILL STOP.*
*makes an incoherent upset sad sound at Patroclus entreating him* ;33333333; i, i will seriously cry, i will. okay. back to watching.
ugh, oh, wait, i see it, i see it now. NOW he wants to go back home with his pretty little apollo temple maiden who hates him, you disgust me, girlie. Take pride in what you believe and hold fast to it, against what you know is wrong. Don't let fucking Achilles, a man who was responsible for the desecration of your people and your temple, don't let this man you don't even know make you stupid and weak. i have utterly lost respect for her.
vomit. on. her. face. i can't stand girls like her. get lost. you know what? helen caused a fucking war but she stood up for her beliefs and she was strong. so is hector's wife. they're strong, beautiful ladies and you don't deserve to be in spitting range of them.
HOLY SHIT!!! FIREBALLS!!!! trojans, you are a beautiful people (even if your king is occasionally ninny who needs to listen to hector more) and i'm so proud that this is ganymede's people. yes, my head thinks like that.
oh god
is this
is this is this
*grabs hold of lord coward!squirrel! holds tight!*
i think knowing the story makes me more worked up about it-!!!
OH GOD IT IS IT IS HIM, i can tell from the way he moves, oh my heart is already breaking, into piecessss so many of them oh god
they do a REALLY good job of hiding it. i'm so impressed. like, i can believe that everyone believed that this was achilles. but i can tell it isn't. because i'm looking for it. OH.
...i... i... oh god, hector's mercy kill. gods.
STOP SAYING COUSIN FFS COUSIN LOVER. JESUS. FUCKING. CHRIST.
"That boy's just saved this war for us." YOU DICK. YOU FUCKING DICK. I HOPE ACHILLES CUTS UP YOUR ENTRAILS, YOU FUCK.
OH MY GOD YOU FUCKING BITCH. DO NOT TELL ACHILLES WHAT TO DO, YOU LITTLE SLUTFUCK. YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT PATROCLUS MEANT TO HIM. YOU HAVE NO CONCEPT OF WHO HE IS OR WHAT HE'S MADE OF OR WHAT HIS DESTINY IS SO BACK THE FUCK OFF, GO AWAY, GO BACK TO YOUR BROKEN TEMPLE WITH YOUR LOST VIRGINITY AND CRY FOR WHAT YOU COULD HAVE PREVENTED.
"You won't have eyes tonight. You won't have ears or a tongue. You will wander the Underworld blind, deaf, and dumb and all will know. This is Hector. The fool who thought he'd killed Achilles."
This is, without a doubt, the best fight scene I have ever seen. Hands. Down. Achilles is a thing of beauty and Hector is almost, almost a match for him. Wow. I am just simply blown away.
And that. is what you get. When you mess. with Patroclus.
OH YOU HAD BETTER TELL THAT DUMB BITCH TO SHUT THE FUCK UP.
OH, I SEE. IT'S THE ~COUSIN~ PARALLEL. NEWS FLASH, CUNT, PATROCLUS MEANS MORE TO ACHILLES THAN HECTOR EVER DID TO YOU, ALSO, HE NEVER BETRAYED HIM, UNLESS YOU WANT TO COUNT SLEEPING WITH YOU, YOU FUCKING TURNCOAT.
[side note: i do love that you can pretty much just dub 'lover' over all the instances of cousin. word substitution really didn't change a goddamn thing.]
"You are my enemy tonight. But even enemies can show respect."
No words that I can say will impress upon you how much this scene affects me. No words.
GOD, FOR FUCK'S SAKE, DUMB BITCH, LEAVE!!!!!!!!! *takes a pair of scissors to her FACE*
If I ever have a dartboard, there will be four people on it. Ansem the Wise, Flay Allster, Suzie Castello, and this dumb bitch. She has officially attained rank of people I would honest-to-god cause injury to. Fuck off.
NO!!!!
Okay i seriously just screamed out loud ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?!!!! NO FOR FUCK'S SAKE FOR FUCK FUCKING'S SAKE GET THAT NECKLACE OUT OF HER HAND, OUT OUT OUT OTU HSDGJHLSKJHGKADHJ STOP STOP SAHJHKJ RAAAAAAGE!!!!! DO NOT GIVE PATROCLUS'S NECKLACE TO THAT CUNT WHORE SLUT BITCH WHO DOENS'T DESERVE IT IN THE SLIGHTEST!!!!! FOR ALL THE GOD FUCKING SHADKJSDJAS;DJGLFJHKLAJSDKL;JG;FHJVKLCSKLJFLGFSGHFHJFGJ;KL!!!!!!
RAGE
...aw, i love paris. i love that hector's death has... tempered him. it's beautiful.
"Burn it."
*shock face* "But... it's a GIFT to the GODS!" lol the gods think this whole thing is hilarious.
this, this is epic. the climbing out scene. the music, the cinematography, it's just beautifully done.
i'm actually pretty impressed that i'm still interested in each bit of this battle. though, if there are any ore shots of that bitch running and screaming for paris i WILL cut someone.
DIE. DIE DIE DIE KILL HER, FAT BASTARD. KILL THE SLUT. KILL HERRRRR.
OH MY GOD, HE KILLED HECTOR, BITCH. SHUT UP AND LET PARIS SHOOT HIM UNTIL HE DIES. I AM OKAY WITH THIS. JESUS CHRIST HE'S YOUR COUSIN AND YOUR PRINCE. LET HIM HAVE HIS FUCKING REVENGE.
no, fuck, i can't even listen to this bullshit. just stop. just fucking stop. this is paris, taking revenge for hector and i'm trying to think about how beautifully they worked in the invincibility(?) issue, and it would have been perfect if this scene hadn't been utterly ruined by the presence of this pair of tits. paris is taking revenge for hector like a good brother and a good prince of troy. achilles is still raaaaging about patroclus and doesn't care for his own safety because life is worthless to him now. he does not go searching for a priestess he cares nothing for. he does not care if she's safe, because she, with her vagina, ruined his life. he just wants to kill as many trojans as possible, and then die. heroically. at the point of paris's arrows. because life is meaningless and he is going home, to be with patroclus in elysium forever.
JESUS CHRIST I THOUGHT I WAS ALL OUT OF RAGE BUT APPARENTLY I'M NOT. DUMB BITCH, GO. FOR FUCK'S SAKE.
;3;
Okay, so, wow. That was a movie of emotional ups and down, for me. So. Despite all the raaaage? Loved it. In fact, I need to go watch the scene with Achilles and Patroclus sparring again, thank you.
But it had some serious, serious problems and they were all that bitch who i will never learn the name of's fault.
[unlocking this at the request of lafemmeluna, and only because she's fucking fierce ♥]
[don't shoot me if I'm not even remotely historically accurate, I get most of my learnings from fiction.]
LOL ACHILLES JUST. LOL. that poor kid. and he's like WHATEEEEEEVS *SPARKLES* *RIDES OFF INTO THE WILD BLUE YONDER, YEP I'M AN ASSHOLE* love himmm.
"Imagine a king who fights his own battles. Wouldn't that be a sight." Oh god and all I can think of is Alexander, beautiful Alexander, who would have taken on the entire Trojan army himself if his friends aka the entire greek army would let him. But noooo they'd be like OMFG WE LOVE YOU ALEXANDER, DO NOT DO THIS *dogpile* and then they would win. But Achilles is Alexander's hero and just. Just.
Yes, I'm going to be talking about Alexander 99.99999% of the time here, so just stfu, okay? I LIKE ALEXANDER.
"Is there no one else..." Oh god he's so beautiful *wibbles*
OH GOD LOL I FORGOT THAT ORLANDO BLOOM WAS IN THIS. BRB OVARIES IGNITING. ORLIE AND ERIC IN ONE FRAME? *INSTANT COMBUSTION*
yes, all my favorite actors have been in at least one period drama. shut up.
OH PARIS YOU NAUGHTY THING, GOING AFTER HER LIKE THAT!!!!! also lol what totally thought he was going to mack on hector there, WOAH. mmm, trojans.
"That's what you said last night." Oh, okay, they have a Thing going. ALL GOOD THEN! I APPROVE! I approve even more of their eyesex then, too, nom nom nom.
Okay hnnnnnngh hot blond lady with wispy curls, nuzzling woobie-looking Orlando Bloom's hands, then he asks if he should go, and then they make out and just, just, I love everything about this scene. Panties on fiiiiiire.
Oh god Orlando Bloom is so good at this. This is where I love him best, dark hair, huge woobie, totally innocent and retarded and 'uhhhh yeah we'll die but... but... i'll love you!!' lol lol love him. would never ever want someone like that but he makes for an adorable character.
OH MY GOD ERIC BANA HECTOR MARRY ME. I seriously heard Paris go "...Do you love me?" and I thought, oh please, let him be all :| what have you done NOW, and THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT HE DID/SAID. OMFG DOE EYES. DROOL. HECTORRRR.
OH GOD!!!!! NEGL, HECTOR MAKES ME SO FUCKING HAPPY. DUTY OVER LOVE, AND FAMILY/COUNTRY OVER BLOND TRAMPS!!! STICK IT TO HIM, HECTOR!!!!! TURN THIS FUCKING SHIP AROUND!!!!!
"I won't ask you to fight my war."
"You already have."
MY HEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAART!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Awwwww I even love Agamemnon and Menelaus. BROTHER HUGS. LOVE IT. SNIFFLE.
"There's only one man he'll listen to."
IS- IS- ARE THEY TALKING ABOUT------- [later edit: no, it isn't, but wth ever, it's his entrance anyway!!!!]
OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD
OKAY I AM LEGIT FREAKING OUT, PATROCLUS PATROCLUS PATROCLUS PATROCLUS PATROCLUS PATROCLUS PATROCLUS PATROCLUS
GOD HE'S SUCH A SCAMP, LOOKIT HIM
GOD
HI ZEUS I MEAN
LOL COUSIN, SURE. VERY FUNNY. GOING TO FORGET YOU SAID THAT NOW.
LOOK AT HIS GORGEOUS FAAAAAAAAACE
OH GOD HE SMACKED HIS ASS
Okay stop saying cousin, rofl. ICWYDT. And I don't like it. GTFO my homos.
Side note: loving Zeus (whateverhisnameis) as Odysseus. He's just wonderful. A++ and all that.
And, well, if you couldn't figure out by now that I LOVE Braddie as Achilles, idk idk. Because I would have said something if I didn't? TRANSLATION I FUCKING LOVE HIM, OKAY, HE IS EPIC AND PRETTY AND HEROIC AND COY AND EVERYTHING ACHILLES SHOULD BE.
Eh, really not liking his mommy. Thetis I think? idefk, I don't like her destiny speech, it's a) boring, b) too revealing, c) if she's a real mom she'd just be like DON'T GO TO TROY. DON'T DO IT. DO NOT GO TO TROY SOB MY BABY. (or, you know, something) and that would sort of clue him in to the whole, if you go, you will die thing but he totes knows about the ~~glory and all that. IDK. Whatever. Just loving that Percy has so much more in common with Achilles, even if their motives are different.
// ALEXANDER BREAK //
oh god when wee!Alex is asked why he likes Achilles best, the first thing he says - "Because he loved Patroclus. And avenged his death." Just. ASHKJLHGKJG I love Alexander looking up to Achilles, will never not love that. Especially since Alexander is a child of Zeus he is okay and Patroclus was from the sea, like Percy, idk idk I just love them all, all the gay heroes.
// BACK TO THE MOVIE //
jdfghlsjdghsfd that woman. Hector's wife. I want to be herrrrr.
*insert epically long self-reflection crisis on The Times That I Am Not Gay, ergo, right the hell now*
Omg I love how ~sensible~ Hector is. He's so fucking down to earth and smart and sensitive and capable and he ~understands~ shit, and he loves his fucking country, and and and and and....
I LOVE YOU ACHILLES. KEEP SMIRKIN LIKE A SMIRKY THING. OH HEART.
YES, AGAMEMNON, SUCK IT. HE IS GOING TO TAKE THE BEACH OF TROY WITH FIFTY MEN. I MEAN, FOR FUCK'S SAKE, WHAT DID YOU INVITE HIM TO THIS PARTY FOR, ANYWAY?!?!?!
The only reason that him saying 'cousin' so much is even minorly okay is because his actions totally belie his words. Every time he says cousin? He's actually saying 'love'. DUH. Like, oh god, that sweet little cuddle. Mhfhgnm. CUDDLE MOAR, BBS.
"All my life I've lived by a code. Honor the gods. Love your woman. And defend your country!
HECTOR MARRY ME ILUSFM.
"Do you know what's waiting on that beach? Immortality. Take it, it's yours!"
I don't even think I need to say anything at this point. You all know how much I love battle speeches.
Okay, I know the forces of Troy are fucking fierce but for fuck's sake, you guys. You're the fucking Myrmidons. Don't get shot down in the first wave! .....and seriously, you don't need to show like, fifteen different Myrmidons dying in stupid ways, director-person. One or two is enough to give it that ~realism~. But seriously. These are the Myrmidons and they're practically on top of them. Give them a little credit.
...On the other hand, Troy is a city of Apollo, who - yknow - archery - so it stands to reason that their archers would be fuckin' fierce. I just hate seeing hordes of ~good fighters~ die in stupid ways right off the bat.
THEEEERE we go. TURTLE TIME!!!
I actually love how the armies are barely organized - unlike Alexander's time, when they've been fighting in groups for centuries. Here, it's still a time of heroes. Heroes who sort of happen to be shoved into a group.
God, Achilles moves like beauty itself.
OMFG. The statue. The. God. I'm like, having a mythological braingasm here, I just. Why have I never seen this movie before?????
"Perhaps your brother can comfort them. I heard he's good at charming other men's wives." And then, then, that SOUND he makes, like - Tch. YOU CATTY BITCH. ILU ACHILLES. God, this whole scene. Like a fire in my paaaaaaants.
....As you probably could have predicted, I made several ridiculous squealy noises when Patroclus nearly leaped into his arms there omfg ♥~ and he was totes like 'yeah whatever whatever don't care you're a retard- BABY ♥'
Oh sigh, now there's going to be the requisite Achilles-sleeps-with-a-girl scene, and I'm going to be quietly displeased all the way through because Patroclus isn't there.
"I want what all men want - I just wanted more." Oh, wow. There are some beautiful lines in this movie. And, so far, haven't started disliking this scene at all. Achilles is just the right amount of human-courtesy and lol-fuckit-whatever.
Okay, so, good. Never mind. That scene was lovely :)
Once again, my hackles rose when Achilles got all prissy over whatshertits but a) he would, wouldn't he, sigh and b) what she said to him! DAYUM. YOU GOT SERVED, ACHILLES. A++ LADY WHOEVERYOUARE! Now go get fucked.
Checking, checking, yep, still want to marry Hector. Honoring the gods is well and good but you have to temper it with common sense, and that is why I love him.
Ohhh god shut up Paris. (kidding, he's just so... very... Paris.) ....Oh god, his eyes! JFC. A++ makeup job there, folks. He looks like he's been crying but did his best to get over it, oh the paaaaaain i love it.
...Thinking about the founding of Troy makes me think of Ganymede. He was a prince of Troy, you know, one of the first few generations - going to have to work that sword into that story if I ever write it.
...SIGH MARRY ME HECTOR.
YAY ACHILLES AND PATROCLUS HAD DELICIOUS SEX THAT NIGHT, I DECREE IT!!
"I taught you how to fight, but I never taught you why to fight."
*eyeroll*. "I fight for you." Like, duh, you retard.
What will you fight for when I'm gone?" ah. uh. nff. gggnhhh. ;3;
Hector does die, doesn't he? Oh, lord, I am going to sob my eyes out. Though, I won't cry as much as when Patroclus dies. I'm going to fucking weep. If I remember correctly, Hector kills Patroclus, Achilles kills Hector and drags his burning body around the walls of Troy in Patroclus's chariot, and then Paris kills Achilles with an arrow that was proooobably guided by Apollo since Paris is a piece of shit. So it's all about that stupid temple. Lolol this movie isn't even canon, I need to reread the Iliad.
BATTLE TIIIIIME
...o-oh my god, Patroclus is wearing a seashell necklace that is so obviously Achilles's. NDJKGHFG BRB SOBBING.
HAHA LOOK AT THOSE BAMFS GETTING OFF THEIR HORSES IN TANDEM, i bet they rehearsed that shit for hours when they were younger. oh god stop wanting to write fic
HECTOR MARRY ME (you'd think that would get old. well, it doesn't. stfu. he's beautiful. inside and out.)
OKAY, LEGIT SQUEALED WHEN HECOTR AND PARIS HUGGED. OH GOD IT WAS A BEAUTIFUL HUG, SO PERFECT and yes, i know people ship them, but i won't be one of them, sorry. love their relationship as it is too much. see how he turned his head away when they hugged? too precious for that. and if it was romantic, he wouldn't let paris go off to this fight - juuust like Achilles wouldn't let Patroclus fight on the beach, okay. He loves him too much for that. Hector loves Paris differently. And I wouldn't change it for the world. Also? Hector is mine his BAMF wife's, and Paris is a little slut.
Okay, let me just say? I LOVE THE WAY THEY FILMED THIS. The silence, the utter lack of music, the utter lack of... anything but the pure fight - no cheap cuts, no ~dramatic camera angles~, it's just. GOD it's tense. And the bits of Agamemwhore laughing, and Hector looking grim and heartfelt, and yes. Oh. Oh. YES.
HECTOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOR
Okay i could not, I just, i COULD NOT love him more. It is not physically possible for me to love this man more. J. F. C. i am going to weep, this movie will make me CRY and it will be embarrassing. for the record, the ONLY movies i've ever cried at: what's eating gilbert grape, the joy luck club, lilo and stitch, prayers for bobby (which is a lifetime movie so that's acceptable), and alexander.
Archers of Troy? Motherfucking sexy. I also have a thing for archers. JSYK.
SCREAM HECTOR!!!!!
LOL OKAY I SWEAR HE JUST SCREAMED FIIIIIRE AND ALL I HEARD WAS FIRE EVERYTHIIIIIIIING!!!!!!! hi, Nero.
"It's no insult, to say a dead man is dead." TRUE FACTS, ODYSSEUS. LOVE YOU ♥
And once again, my doubts are assauged because this girl is actually pretty awesome, and they have intelligent conversation that brings up very, very good points. Very impressed with the het interaction in this movie. Very impressed that I love all the female characters so far. A++, Troy.
"Let me tell you a secret, something they don't teach you in your temple. The gods envy us. They envy us because we're mortal. Because any moment might be our last. Everything's more beautiful, because we're doomed. You will never be lovelier than you are now. We will never be here again."
"I thought you were a dumb brute. I could've forgiven a dumb brute." Again, loving it. Loving them. But please don't bang, please don't ruin it with sex this time.
Oh god. Oh god. This scene. It's exactly mirrored with Alexander and Roxane, even the lines are the same. Do it. Do it. And that's where he gets his courage from, oh fuck. It's like... it's like Jack and the Doctor, for fuck's sake. The Doctor is this flawed person who makes himself out to be a hero and Jack, Jack is truly beautiful, but only because he's modeled himself utterly after the Doctor. God. It's so incredible. Wow. Okay. Brain exploding.
NO. DON'T FUCKING SLEEP TOGETHER DON'T FUCKING RUIN THIS AND DON'T MAKE IT ALL ABOUT SEX. GOD-FUCKING-DAMNIT!!!!
UGH CAN'T STAND THIS. IT ISN'T ABOUT THAT AND I HATE HOW IT ALWAYS HAS TO BE ABOUT THAT, CAN'T SHE HAVE HER MAIDENLY PRIDE??? CAN'T THEY AFFECT EACH OTHER'S LIVES AND NOT HAVE TO SLEEP TOGETHER BECAUSE OF IT????
and this ISN'T about Patroclus, for ONCE. Achilles sleeps around!! OF COURSE HE DOES. It's her I'm bitching for, because she's a goddamn temple maiden and for once I'd like to see someone strong about their chastity! Especially when she is honestly disgusted by how many people who's killed, and how many more he will kill!!! And the way they talk, intelligently, and what he's said to her, that she's mortal and that's beautiful and HE SAVED HER FROM BEING RAPED BY IDIOTS and it just isn't fair because a girl like her deserves someone who will really love her, and Achilles won't and can't. JFC.
*COULD RANT ABOUT THIS FOREVER. WILL STOP.*
*makes an incoherent upset sad sound at Patroclus entreating him* ;33333333; i, i will seriously cry, i will. okay. back to watching.
ugh, oh, wait, i see it, i see it now. NOW he wants to go back home with his pretty little apollo temple maiden who hates him, you disgust me, girlie. Take pride in what you believe and hold fast to it, against what you know is wrong. Don't let fucking Achilles, a man who was responsible for the desecration of your people and your temple, don't let this man you don't even know make you stupid and weak. i have utterly lost respect for her.
vomit. on. her. face. i can't stand girls like her. get lost. you know what? helen caused a fucking war but she stood up for her beliefs and she was strong. so is hector's wife. they're strong, beautiful ladies and you don't deserve to be in spitting range of them.
HOLY SHIT!!! FIREBALLS!!!! trojans, you are a beautiful people (even if your king is occasionally ninny who needs to listen to hector more) and i'm so proud that this is ganymede's people. yes, my head thinks like that.
oh god
is this
is this is this
*grabs hold of lord coward!squirrel! holds tight!*
i think knowing the story makes me more worked up about it-!!!
OH GOD IT IS IT IS HIM, i can tell from the way he moves, oh my heart is already breaking, into piecessss so many of them oh god
they do a REALLY good job of hiding it. i'm so impressed. like, i can believe that everyone believed that this was achilles. but i can tell it isn't. because i'm looking for it. OH.
...i... i... oh god, hector's mercy kill. gods.
STOP SAYING COUSIN FFS COUSIN LOVER. JESUS. FUCKING. CHRIST.
"That boy's just saved this war for us." YOU DICK. YOU FUCKING DICK. I HOPE ACHILLES CUTS UP YOUR ENTRAILS, YOU FUCK.
OH MY GOD YOU FUCKING BITCH. DO NOT TELL ACHILLES WHAT TO DO, YOU LITTLE SLUTFUCK. YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT PATROCLUS MEANT TO HIM. YOU HAVE NO CONCEPT OF WHO HE IS OR WHAT HE'S MADE OF OR WHAT HIS DESTINY IS SO BACK THE FUCK OFF, GO AWAY, GO BACK TO YOUR BROKEN TEMPLE WITH YOUR LOST VIRGINITY AND CRY FOR WHAT YOU COULD HAVE PREVENTED.
"You won't have eyes tonight. You won't have ears or a tongue. You will wander the Underworld blind, deaf, and dumb and all will know. This is Hector. The fool who thought he'd killed Achilles."
This is, without a doubt, the best fight scene I have ever seen. Hands. Down. Achilles is a thing of beauty and Hector is almost, almost a match for him. Wow. I am just simply blown away.
And that. is what you get. When you mess. with Patroclus.
OH YOU HAD BETTER TELL THAT DUMB BITCH TO SHUT THE FUCK UP.
OH, I SEE. IT'S THE ~COUSIN~ PARALLEL. NEWS FLASH, CUNT, PATROCLUS MEANS MORE TO ACHILLES THAN HECTOR EVER DID TO YOU, ALSO, HE NEVER BETRAYED HIM, UNLESS YOU WANT TO COUNT SLEEPING WITH YOU, YOU FUCKING TURNCOAT.
[side note: i do love that you can pretty much just dub 'lover' over all the instances of cousin. word substitution really didn't change a goddamn thing.]
"You are my enemy tonight. But even enemies can show respect."
No words that I can say will impress upon you how much this scene affects me. No words.
GOD, FOR FUCK'S SAKE, DUMB BITCH, LEAVE!!!!!!!!! *takes a pair of scissors to her FACE*
If I ever have a dartboard, there will be four people on it. Ansem the Wise, Flay Allster, Suzie Castello, and this dumb bitch. She has officially attained rank of people I would honest-to-god cause injury to. Fuck off.
NO!!!!
Okay i seriously just screamed out loud ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?!!!! NO FOR FUCK'S SAKE FOR FUCK FUCKING'S SAKE GET THAT NECKLACE OUT OF HER HAND, OUT OUT OUT OTU HSDGJHLSKJHGKADHJ STOP STOP SAHJHKJ RAAAAAAGE!!!!! DO NOT GIVE PATROCLUS'S NECKLACE TO THAT CUNT WHORE SLUT BITCH WHO DOENS'T DESERVE IT IN THE SLIGHTEST!!!!! FOR ALL THE GOD FUCKING SHADKJSDJAS;DJGLFJHKLAJSDKL;JG;FHJVKLCSKLJFLGFSGHFHJFGJ;KL!!!!!!
RAGE
...aw, i love paris. i love that hector's death has... tempered him. it's beautiful.
"Burn it."
*shock face* "But... it's a GIFT to the GODS!" lol the gods think this whole thing is hilarious.
this, this is epic. the climbing out scene. the music, the cinematography, it's just beautifully done.
i'm actually pretty impressed that i'm still interested in each bit of this battle. though, if there are any ore shots of that bitch running and screaming for paris i WILL cut someone.
DIE. DIE DIE DIE KILL HER, FAT BASTARD. KILL THE SLUT. KILL HERRRRR.
OH MY GOD, HE KILLED HECTOR, BITCH. SHUT UP AND LET PARIS SHOOT HIM UNTIL HE DIES. I AM OKAY WITH THIS. JESUS CHRIST HE'S YOUR COUSIN AND YOUR PRINCE. LET HIM HAVE HIS FUCKING REVENGE.
no, fuck, i can't even listen to this bullshit. just stop. just fucking stop. this is paris, taking revenge for hector and i'm trying to think about how beautifully they worked in the invincibility(?) issue, and it would have been perfect if this scene hadn't been utterly ruined by the presence of this pair of tits. paris is taking revenge for hector like a good brother and a good prince of troy. achilles is still raaaaging about patroclus and doesn't care for his own safety because life is worthless to him now. he does not go searching for a priestess he cares nothing for. he does not care if she's safe, because she, with her vagina, ruined his life. he just wants to kill as many trojans as possible, and then die. heroically. at the point of paris's arrows. because life is meaningless and he is going home, to be with patroclus in elysium forever.
JESUS CHRIST I THOUGHT I WAS ALL OUT OF RAGE BUT APPARENTLY I'M NOT. DUMB BITCH, GO. FOR FUCK'S SAKE.
;3;
Okay, so, wow. That was a movie of emotional ups and down, for me. So. Despite all the raaaage? Loved it. In fact, I need to go watch the scene with Achilles and Patroclus sparring again, thank you.
But it had some serious, serious problems and they were all that bitch who i will never learn the name of's fault.
[unlocking this at the request of lafemmeluna, and only because she's fucking fierce ♥]