this hurts me so much......
ive never wanted to accept this...ive never wanted to realize that im not wanted by all who i care about.
i gave my heart away and it was broken. in the process of finding out what it was like to love and get my heart broken, i found out what it was like to lose another person who was so close to me. not only did i lose my heart, but i also lost one of my best friends. ive really had to question my existence the past few months. ive never felt so lonely and so abandoned in my life. ok guys so here i go. i hope you are ready. i dont want anyone to take this the wrong way. please believe me when i say that i love all of you guys and that i am so grateful for the way that you all took me in and accepted me as one of you. but i just need to get this out before i cant live myself another day for keeping it in. i need to clean my slate. i have to start new. so here we go.
did i do something wrong? maybe its bcuz you havent known me for very long. but i feel so left out now. maybe its my fault for not calling, but hey. the phone works both ways. yes, i know christina and komal have called me once to invite me to go to a movie. but other than that i havent heard from any of my "friends" all summer. you dont know how much you all mean to me. if it werent for you all i would have dropped out of school and God knows what would have happened to me. im sorry if ive ever made anyone mad or pissed off anyone or made them sad. i never meant to do any of it. i know it might not help now, bcuz whats done is done. and now i cant take anything back. i have fucked up everything in my life so far and i dont know what to do anymore. ive tried to call jessica but she just doesnt want to hear from me anymnore. and maybe thats how it is with you all. i know catarina is coming back and to tell you the truth im scared to death. i know that im nothing compared to catarina. all of you guys love her and i dont blame you. she is so funny and so cute and such a great person. and i cant compare to what you guys have with her. maybe thats what i was this past year. maybe i was just a fill in for catarina. and call me crazy for saying it. im scared that when she comes back, me and ana are going to be left out of the crowd. i know i might sound very selfish and childish right now, but im just trying to reach out to you guys and see what is really going on.
i dont know why ive ever thought any of this stuff. you guys are such wonderful people and ive been blessed to have known each and every one of you. tina, lina, christina, jessica, komal, sara, faisal, catarina. all of you guys have a special place in my heart. the part that hasnt been broken yet. you guys keep me going, you all keep me alive. im sorry for all that ive done to screw things up between us. and i hope that in the end you can all forgive me for being this stupid and immature. please dont take anything that ive said the wrong way. you all have done NOTHING wrong!!!! NOTHING, ok? it has been all me. its my actions that hurt people and in the end hurt me. so, im sorry to you all. and i hope that i can change the way ive been thinking and acting. im sorry.
i gave my heart away and it was broken. in the process of finding out what it was like to love and get my heart broken, i found out what it was like to lose another person who was so close to me. not only did i lose my heart, but i also lost one of my best friends. ive really had to question my existence the past few months. ive never felt so lonely and so abandoned in my life. ok guys so here i go. i hope you are ready. i dont want anyone to take this the wrong way. please believe me when i say that i love all of you guys and that i am so grateful for the way that you all took me in and accepted me as one of you. but i just need to get this out before i cant live myself another day for keeping it in. i need to clean my slate. i have to start new. so here we go.
did i do something wrong? maybe its bcuz you havent known me for very long. but i feel so left out now. maybe its my fault for not calling, but hey. the phone works both ways. yes, i know christina and komal have called me once to invite me to go to a movie. but other than that i havent heard from any of my "friends" all summer. you dont know how much you all mean to me. if it werent for you all i would have dropped out of school and God knows what would have happened to me. im sorry if ive ever made anyone mad or pissed off anyone or made them sad. i never meant to do any of it. i know it might not help now, bcuz whats done is done. and now i cant take anything back. i have fucked up everything in my life so far and i dont know what to do anymore. ive tried to call jessica but she just doesnt want to hear from me anymnore. and maybe thats how it is with you all. i know catarina is coming back and to tell you the truth im scared to death. i know that im nothing compared to catarina. all of you guys love her and i dont blame you. she is so funny and so cute and such a great person. and i cant compare to what you guys have with her. maybe thats what i was this past year. maybe i was just a fill in for catarina. and call me crazy for saying it. im scared that when she comes back, me and ana are going to be left out of the crowd. i know i might sound very selfish and childish right now, but im just trying to reach out to you guys and see what is really going on.
i dont know why ive ever thought any of this stuff. you guys are such wonderful people and ive been blessed to have known each and every one of you. tina, lina, christina, jessica, komal, sara, faisal, catarina. all of you guys have a special place in my heart. the part that hasnt been broken yet. you guys keep me going, you all keep me alive. im sorry for all that ive done to screw things up between us. and i hope that in the end you can all forgive me for being this stupid and immature. please dont take anything that ive said the wrong way. you all have done NOTHING wrong!!!! NOTHING, ok? it has been all me. its my actions that hurt people and in the end hurt me. so, im sorry to you all. and i hope that i can change the way ive been thinking and acting. im sorry.