Hoglabah

[igotguminmyhair]

Why is it that some people have the ability to do everything that they dream up, and I can't make myself do anything right? God damnit. It must be some kind of short in my brain... I actually have a initiation deficiency. I don't lack ambition or motivation...I day dream all the time about actualizing the things that I feel would make me happy, but I never follow through. Am I the only person who feels this way? Most of the time I feel like I've been left behind, and by my own choices. I mean, everyday I plan to start tomorrow, but tomorrow never seems to be the right time. And then I sit around and dwell and wallow in my self inflicted unhappiness. I'm going to waste myself. I don't want to. On top of all this...I've turned myself into an outsider. I don't have any desire to do the things I use to do... what use to entertain me feels like a waste of time now. I keep thinking that there must be something bigger and better for me, but then I think that if I left I would be miserable too. Is this growing up or some sort of chemical imbalance that I'm afflicted with? Shit.

Sometimes I think that the woman I hope to be someday would spit on the little girl that I am right now if they were ever to meet.

It felt wonderful to admit those things.

-Griffin