NTV SPRING BREAK : Lawrenceville!!
yeah, so this spring break hasn't really been all wet t-shirt contests and drunken nights on the beach. hardly what i had expected from my first year of college...but i guess it's my own fault. what with not having a job and all. nothing at all has really happened unfortunately.
i went fishing once, saw jess a couple times, and i'm anticipating a trip up to the mountains with taylor and maybe a couple other guys...we'll see though.
needless to say, i feel kinda shitty. not "i-feel-like-i'm-gonna-throwup" shitty, but like..."i'm-a-horrible-person" shitty. for reasons that will remain private to me and me alone, i think i've let myself down, and possibly others. this is not a good feeling. also, my grades in school are suffering. it wouldn't take a rocket scientist to figure that out. i mean, i'm consistently skipping comp. and world civ. just because those teachers don't take attendance and i feel like that's a legit. excuse to not go. THAT IS NO EXCUSE! After break, i am going to every class, every day no matter what. i keep telling myself my dream is hanging in the balance right now, and it all depends on whether i go to these classes or not, but that doesn't seem to be helping me to make the right decision(s). needless to say...i need New York. i need it badly.
i have a wonderful girlfriend, and she does so much for me, so much that i don't deserve, but that only gets you so far. i mean, i love jess. i can honestly say, with a guilt-free conscience, that i love this girl. i've said that i've been in love before, but it's never felt like this...but i want some snow. i want some weed. i want some campouts in kearney's backyard. and i want the comfort of knowing that if i'm gonna cry, i can drive 3 minutes up to blaine's house, and do just that...cry. and then after that, be emo, and write a song about it.*
ugh...i guess this is just another one of those "i'm homesick" entries. what else is new?
but back to school. if i don't do good in these classes, i'm not only fucking myself over, i'm fucking over 4 great guys, who want this just as bad as me...probably more. my parents won't let me go to NY if my grades aren't up to their liking (whatever that is). so...i'm super super stressed about my classes right now, and about life, and about money, and about getting "home" and everything. the only good thing about this break is i dont have to wake up in a tiny bed, in a tiny room, at a tiny college, in a tiny town. i can sleep in my bed...and walk downstairs and spend the rest of my day in my basement...now that's a spring break if i've ever invisioned one.
on a different note...i've been looking at schools to transfer to. more than likely, it'll be happening in the spring semester of next year. Morrisville, Fredonia, and Long Island University are looking like my top choices. yet another reason i better be getting my grades up right about now.
ok...well, i'm done with my vent-session. and i'll leave it at: I love NY, the people in it, Jess, and a couple people from school. that's it. and my mom and grandma.
*i really really really really really really really really really really really want this. more than anyone can ever know!