this is very different from your usual style. i really enjoyed it because it was something orchestrated completely by your imagination which is pretty impressive. the imagery and diologue is vivid/engaging and the many tidbits of facts shows you did some reading. i really like the historical context its placed in, and the very close first hand perspective you provide the reader. very good character developement. you played off making the two people sound like two very different individuals very well, it makes it much more realistic and interesting.
i know its not an assignment, but ill still give you technical/constructive criticism. there is a segment that wasnt too clear...im not sure if its just the grammer: "the cries of (the?) dying patriot inside me get(s?) overtaken by the wails of screaming banshee(s?). (maybe start this as a new paragraph ->) I could barely see him up ahead of me, running with the cunning of a fox, stealthily retreating with the dignity of a warrior. Supercharged with the mechanic efficiency of biological flight response, I ran through the shockwave, dumb blind organic compost, like flying shit, straight behind the tree line, only barely keeping up with my companion." lol..."like flying shit" you might want to consider avoid using the word "I" too much cause it off-sets the stimulating imagery/ discriptions/plot by making it sound repetitive (its only in the beginning though). think of more creative ways/sentence structure to replace "I".
the paragraph with the biological terminology was also confusing (for me atleast), but thats probably given.
i love short stories. keep on going at them. this sounds like a very promising and i believe, fun venture for you.
i also like the title "dont shoot at things you dont understand, doc" much better. i think others would agree.
i know its not an assignment, but ill still give you technical/constructive criticism.
there is a segment that wasnt too clear...im not sure if its just the grammer:
"the cries of (the?) dying patriot inside me get(s?) overtaken by the wails of screaming banshee(s?). (maybe start this as a new paragraph ->) I could barely see him up ahead of me, running with the cunning of a fox, stealthily retreating with the dignity of a warrior. Supercharged with the mechanic efficiency of biological flight response, I ran through the shockwave, dumb blind organic compost, like flying shit, straight behind the tree line, only barely keeping up with my companion."
lol..."like flying shit"
you might want to consider avoid using the word "I" too much cause it off-sets the stimulating imagery/ discriptions/plot by making it sound repetitive (its only in the beginning though). think of more creative ways/sentence structure to replace "I".
the paragraph with the biological terminology was also confusing (for me atleast), but thats probably given.
i love short stories. keep on going at them. this sounds like a very promising and i believe, fun venture for you.
i also like the title "dont shoot at things you dont understand, doc" much better. i think others would agree.
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