Head Start
Evening, folks. I got stuck pulling the graveyard shift tonight, so -- well, technically I suppose I always work the graveyard shift, but you know what I mean. Point is, it's late and I've been thinking about ways to make a bit more money off of the funerals.
Here's my latest idea. Maybe you've been watching the weather patterns lately, and the escalation of violence over in the Middle East. Maybe you've read the Book of Revelations, talking about the endtimes. I don't know, since I really don't know you. However, I do know that a lot of people are watching this, and have read the book, and I'm noticing a strong religious trend in funerals lately. I know, funerals are almost always religious, but that's exactly what makes it so easy to see when they're getting more religious. Usually, everyone just kind of mouths the prayers, chimes in on the "Amen"s, and so on. Lately, though, people have been...I don't know, fervent.
Anyway, here's what I'm thinking. These people are all big on the Rapture coming to take them away, which is sort of predicated on the "holier than thou" mindset, and I figure I can use this mentality to my advantage. The Rapture resurrects people, sucks them up out of the ground into heaven...but do you want to be the last one there? There've been a lot of Christians over the years. Do you really want to have the seat farthest away from God? Drop us a couple of extra bucks, and we'll put you in one of the graves closer to the front of the cemetery.
Or you could try one of our new spring-loaded coffins. Soon as you find your body restored to you, pop a lever and you'll be hurled from the grave, giving you a fifteen or twenty foot head start on the others rising around you. It might not seem like much before you get to heaven, but once you start the single-file line through the pearly gates, it could turn out to be the difference between Row A and Row ZZ Plural Z Alpha.
I think it's got potential, and it's no worse than any of the other bells and whistles we already tack onto funerals. I mean, big flower wreaths? What does that say? Sorry you're dead, I killed some flowers so you'd feel less alone? Come on, now.
Here's my latest idea. Maybe you've been watching the weather patterns lately, and the escalation of violence over in the Middle East. Maybe you've read the Book of Revelations, talking about the endtimes. I don't know, since I really don't know you. However, I do know that a lot of people are watching this, and have read the book, and I'm noticing a strong religious trend in funerals lately. I know, funerals are almost always religious, but that's exactly what makes it so easy to see when they're getting more religious. Usually, everyone just kind of mouths the prayers, chimes in on the "Amen"s, and so on. Lately, though, people have been...I don't know, fervent.
Anyway, here's what I'm thinking. These people are all big on the Rapture coming to take them away, which is sort of predicated on the "holier than thou" mindset, and I figure I can use this mentality to my advantage. The Rapture resurrects people, sucks them up out of the ground into heaven...but do you want to be the last one there? There've been a lot of Christians over the years. Do you really want to have the seat farthest away from God? Drop us a couple of extra bucks, and we'll put you in one of the graves closer to the front of the cemetery.
Or you could try one of our new spring-loaded coffins. Soon as you find your body restored to you, pop a lever and you'll be hurled from the grave, giving you a fifteen or twenty foot head start on the others rising around you. It might not seem like much before you get to heaven, but once you start the single-file line through the pearly gates, it could turn out to be the difference between Row A and Row ZZ Plural Z Alpha.
I think it's got potential, and it's no worse than any of the other bells and whistles we already tack onto funerals. I mean, big flower wreaths? What does that say? Sorry you're dead, I killed some flowers so you'd feel less alone? Come on, now.