Life is a bit much, sometimes.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm here to whine some more. I just feel like there's no one to listent o MY woes. Joey has been doing pretty much nothng but brooding and venting at me lately. So, I spend most of my time trying to shrug off the worries he's already placed on me. Him and Dad aren't getting along. Joey gets frustrated because dad bitches ALL of the time when they're at work. Which I know, and I can't do anythign about that. Joey doesn't want to work with him anymore, though I don't know what else he's going to do. If he thinks he'll find a job that no one bitches at him at all, ever, I have a feeling he's dead wrong. I agree, however, that I don't want to be bitched at all day. Also, we're dead broke. So, that has me a bit frazzled.
Also, I had to complain about another employee at work, which is not in my nature. But I complained a little bit to one person who said I needed to email my boss, and then I was like, "Ah, so and so did it's cool." But so and so didn't...so then I HAD to..so I just went and spoke directly to my boss, and she was of course great about it and said that I shouldn't feel bad because I was obligated to do so...but yeah, I feel like a jerk anyway.
Today is just not panning out to be perfect. I'm actually dreading leaving work...once I leave here I have to deal with my boyfriend and my father again...and I do not want to. I do not want to hear Joey bitch...and I do not want to feel torn between him and Dad and feeling the need to bitch my dad out for the way he treats Joey.
On another, much more taboo topic...I had dreams about Gavin last night. Maybe me and Joey are just not going to work out...he reminds me of and in some ways, only in some ways, makes me miss Gavin...a little. Not enough to talk to him or anything...but enough to have some sadness that he's so sick...and I may never even talk to him again before he actually does die. I mean, chances are he won't die soon...right? I'd be fooling myself into thinking like a child if I took this oppurtunity to be weak and feel bad or awkward enough to make a huge mistake. Even speaking to him would be a huge mistake. Joey would leave me.
In my dream last night I was with Gavin...and I was trying to like, stay the night with him, or I was supposed to be. But I couldn't find anywhere to sleep comfortably! I wasn't doing anything sexual or bad with him...in fact I didn't want to sleep in the same bed with him...I just could NOT be comfortable. My hair was cut too...I liked it and thought it would look great if I were thinner. :[
Maybe I'm just losing it again. I find I crave excitement! I want to do something crazy. I don't mean drugs...I just mean I want to jump into a large body of water or something...anything. Joey doesn't excite me. Ok...I can't say it, but I can type it. I think he's miserable too. We just aren't happy right now. We aren't mad at each other, but we aren't entirely happy, and we aren't bad enough to seperate. I don't know what to do at this point. We're in relationship limbo. When we're fucked up we're SO happy. People say they can see that we're in love...but I just feel like something is slipping away from me. I feel like I'm losing everything, like I've lost everything. So, sometimes, I just want to cry. I don't though. If I dared to then I'd be childish. If people noticed I'd be crazy. I'd be a burden on everyone else when they realized what was wrong with me. I don't even feel like I have a right to do be bad anymore. I can't be sad, or I'm too much too deal with...I can't go out and be a crazy slutty girl...because I'm in a relationship and I care about him and love him. It's not that my libido is going nuts, it's that I'm going nuts. I just want to run and play and have people tell me I'm pretty and worthwhile. I need that sometimes, you know. I need to feel like a wild child, even if I sometimes hate myself for my behavior...sometimes that's what I need too. The Joey and Daddy thing is really irritating me.
Sometimes I'm sad that I don't have a way to get all of these feelings out. I'm drowning in monotony. I can't wait for winter...just for something to be different! Anything to take this feeling of like dragging on away.
I guess I'm just venting. Things are going to be ok. I can handle it. I can deal with my emotions and I will handle any road blocks that get in my way. Things will be ok. Let your fears go, Krystle.
Also, I had to complain about another employee at work, which is not in my nature. But I complained a little bit to one person who said I needed to email my boss, and then I was like, "Ah, so and so did it's cool." But so and so didn't...so then I HAD to..so I just went and spoke directly to my boss, and she was of course great about it and said that I shouldn't feel bad because I was obligated to do so...but yeah, I feel like a jerk anyway.
Today is just not panning out to be perfect. I'm actually dreading leaving work...once I leave here I have to deal with my boyfriend and my father again...and I do not want to. I do not want to hear Joey bitch...and I do not want to feel torn between him and Dad and feeling the need to bitch my dad out for the way he treats Joey.
On another, much more taboo topic...I had dreams about Gavin last night. Maybe me and Joey are just not going to work out...he reminds me of and in some ways, only in some ways, makes me miss Gavin...a little. Not enough to talk to him or anything...but enough to have some sadness that he's so sick...and I may never even talk to him again before he actually does die. I mean, chances are he won't die soon...right? I'd be fooling myself into thinking like a child if I took this oppurtunity to be weak and feel bad or awkward enough to make a huge mistake. Even speaking to him would be a huge mistake. Joey would leave me.
In my dream last night I was with Gavin...and I was trying to like, stay the night with him, or I was supposed to be. But I couldn't find anywhere to sleep comfortably! I wasn't doing anything sexual or bad with him...in fact I didn't want to sleep in the same bed with him...I just could NOT be comfortable. My hair was cut too...I liked it and thought it would look great if I were thinner. :[
Maybe I'm just losing it again. I find I crave excitement! I want to do something crazy. I don't mean drugs...I just mean I want to jump into a large body of water or something...anything. Joey doesn't excite me. Ok...I can't say it, but I can type it. I think he's miserable too. We just aren't happy right now. We aren't mad at each other, but we aren't entirely happy, and we aren't bad enough to seperate. I don't know what to do at this point. We're in relationship limbo. When we're fucked up we're SO happy. People say they can see that we're in love...but I just feel like something is slipping away from me. I feel like I'm losing everything, like I've lost everything. So, sometimes, I just want to cry. I don't though. If I dared to then I'd be childish. If people noticed I'd be crazy. I'd be a burden on everyone else when they realized what was wrong with me. I don't even feel like I have a right to do be bad anymore. I can't be sad, or I'm too much too deal with...I can't go out and be a crazy slutty girl...because I'm in a relationship and I care about him and love him. It's not that my libido is going nuts, it's that I'm going nuts. I just want to run and play and have people tell me I'm pretty and worthwhile. I need that sometimes, you know. I need to feel like a wild child, even if I sometimes hate myself for my behavior...sometimes that's what I need too. The Joey and Daddy thing is really irritating me.
Sometimes I'm sad that I don't have a way to get all of these feelings out. I'm drowning in monotony. I can't wait for winter...just for something to be different! Anything to take this feeling of like dragging on away.
I guess I'm just venting. Things are going to be ok. I can handle it. I can deal with my emotions and I will handle any road blocks that get in my way. Things will be ok. Let your fears go, Krystle.