[TEXT - secure like fort knox] a few hours after their argument on Scar's postfirebornfidelisJanuary 24 2011, 20:32:00 UTC
In the interest of full disclosure and because I don't like the idea of you being angry with me for nothing:
I care about Scar. It started because of what he did for you - for us - in the underground. He saved us both. That is what I believe. And when you died here, it was Scar, Utena, and Jim Standfast who brought me back. Jim and Utena came out into the ruins and brought me home, but Scar tried to save me. What he said to me then helped me to be strong enough to keep on living without you. And a few months later, I was severely injured by a creature in the ruins. I was close to death but I did not die and at first that made me angry. I was angry that I had survived an attack so much like the one that had killed you. But Dawn visited me. That was when she gave me the butterfly in the jar and reminded me that I still had things to do, still had people to care for. And Scar came to see me with that necklace. I'm sure you've seen me wear it. And his visit and his thoughtfulness was a reminder that there were still people who cared about me. That I wasn't alone.
And now Utena is gone and Dawn has disappeared. You and Scar are two of the most important people to me left in this city. If you need me to reaffirm everything I have lived my life for thus far, my ultimate loyalty lies with you. If I had to make a choice between the two of you, it would always be you. That is not for your ego or to make any apologies for anything I have said. It's the truth.
Beyond that, I don't know what I can tell you that I haven't already said. What I feel for you is difficult to understand. It is hard for me to separate it out of everything else we've been to each other in our lives. I love you. More than that I can't say. And though I can't speak for how you feel, I don't want to keep getting into pointless arguments with you that really boil down to the fact that we have not made a choice to remain what we are or to try to become something more.
And if there is something specific that you don't understand about the way I have been acting, please say so and I will do my best to explain. I don't want to fight with you anymore.
[TEXT - secure like fort knox]ignite_the_skyJanuary 25 2011, 02:19:05 UTC
Because I suppose you have a right to know:
You asked me before why it had to be her if I didn't feel anything toward her... and honestly, I think that's exactly why. If I don't feel anything, it doesn't mean anything. It's just going through the motions. She could die tomorrow, and the only thing that would bother me is that her puppy is without his mother.
I keep saying I don't want to hurt you or make you suffer on my account, but lately, it's all I really seem capable of. There aren't enough words for me to adequately express what you mean to me, and I can't stand fighting with you because I can't help but think that the next words I say are going to be the ones that tear us apart. I don't want to lose you. You're my entire world. Well, not all of it, because a corner is taken up by a little ball of fluff and teeth, but you're the rest of it. You're family. If not losing you means things stay the way they are, then so be it.
...and you still haven't explained to me why it is I end up getting abused while he gets sunshine and rainbows.
[voice now - still knox-like]firebornfidelisJanuary 25 2011, 04:02:49 UTC
[It starts with a soft breath. She is calm enough now to go back to using voice.]
You have been the center of my world for... more than a decade. There is nothing and no one more important to me than you. You are my family, my whole family excepting Grandfather. I would willingly die for you. Please believe me when I say that there is nothing that you can say that would ever make me abandon you. You don't have to be afraid of that. It's a promise, and I'll do anything not to break a promise. So when I say that this is really about what you want, I mean it.
And when I say that I don't want to fight with you anymore, I mean that, too. I hate yelling at you, and I hate being angry with you. I know it's inevitable in life, there are always disagreements, but when I fight with you it feels like my whole world is hanging in the balance.
[She pauses to catch her breath and... change gears.]
You want to know why, under basically the same circumstances, I was quiet with him and I became violent with you. I don't understand your fixation on this point, but I'll try to explain anyway. With him, in that moment when I woke up beside him and couldn't remember how I'd gotten there, I knew I wouldn't have done anything with him that I would regret not recalling, even while I was inebriated.
[Hopefully he doesn't fail to catch the significant emphasis on one particular word in her last sentence.]
With you, when I woke up like that and I couldn't remember right away... I was upset. I shouldn't have hit you, it wasn't your fault, but in that moment I wasn't quite rational yet and... I didn't want to have forgotten.
[Oh, please let that be clear enough because she doesn't want to have to really spell it out for him.]
[Text to voice - still knox-like]ignite_the_skyJanuary 25 2011, 07:35:11 UTC
You make it sound as though I would have been stupid enough to take advantage of you.
[There's a pause after the text while he decides whether or not to switch it over to voice, but ultimately he has to. This is something he doesn't trust to text, and even though he isn't sure he can properly convey what he wants to get across, he's going to try.
His voice is flat and somewhat distant, as though he's sitting there daydreaming and talking through it.]
When my parents died, I went to live with my aunt, so I basically grew up in a hostess bar, surrounded by women who came and went as time passed, men whose faces I rarely saw -I didn't spend a lot of time in the bar area during business hours, just the back rooms- and alcohol. Putting those three together, there were times when a customer would wind up completely wasted and make a move on whatever girl he was with. Sometimes he would back off when she said no... and sometimes he wouldn't, so things would get ugly. I've seen what happens when a date goes bad. I've known some girls who wound up with some pretty nasty bruises because of it, though if there was anything worse, I never heard it.
My aunt... Those girls were practically her children. Every woman who came through those doors was treated like a member of her family, so I guess I had a bunch of revolving sisters? I don't know. I never asked. But when one of them was hurt, the perpetrator was "escorted off the premises" and not permitted to come back. She didn't tolerate any sort of violence toward them, and she made sure I knew it. No matter their employment, a woman was still a woman... still somebody's mother, sister, daughter, friend...
You're stronger than you look, but physically speaking, I could more than likely overpower you if I tried... but I won't. I can't see myself ever raising a hand to you, taking advantage of you, doing anything that would break the rules that were drilled into my head as a child, or giving you any reason to cry over something like that. I don't even like raising my voice with you. Any more than what I'd had in the hallway, and I can pretty much guarantee that I'd have probably gone straight for a convenient corner, curled up, and that would have been the end of it.
I mean...
[And now he's hit the babbling mark, but his voice is gradually losing the flatness of tone.]
Have you ever tried to get undressed when you're really drunk and your coordination is shot to hell? It's hard. I've actually attempted to shower in my clothes before because I couldn't get them off. Don't really recommend it, though, because wet clothes tend to stick to you and ride up in all the wrong places -not to mention how long it takes to dry off because of all of the layers...and you still can't get them off because not only is your coordination still that of an infant, but everything sticks together and gets heavier and harder to hold...
[...]
...I guess, what I'm trying to say is that if anything were to happen, it would have to be consensual and without any sort of influence behind it, because otherwise, unless you're the forceful one and I'm somehow incapacitated and incapable of putting a stop to it, it wouldn't happen at all.
[Voice - still knox-like]firebornfidelisJanuary 25 2011, 08:32:19 UTC
[Oh for the love of-- really? Is that what he thinks she meant?]
That isn't what I was trying to say. At all. I would believe that Alphonse Elric had killed a kitten before I would think that of you. I trust you. You should know this by now but apparently it bears repeating. And I hope you don't think of me as a person capable of doing something like that to anyone, much less you.
The thought that you might have forced yourself on me had never once crossed my mind. The material difference between the two incidents is this: I find that I am not physically attracted to Scar. I have never thought of him in that way. You... are different.
[Her voice drops softer now, loses confidence as it gains a sad kind of warmth.]
What I was afraid of was that I might have done something - or that we had. And that I couldn't remember it because of how much we had drunk. My reaction was irrational, as I know I have said, and I am sorry for it. You were sweet and I... wasn't sure how to deal with it. It's not exactly something I'm used to. Even taking into consideration how drunk we were, what you did for me that night was one of the kindest gestures anyone has ever offered me. It was nice and I am...
[Voice - still knox-like]ignite_the_skyJanuary 25 2011, 20:31:05 UTC
[Sigh... and a quiet snicker at the idea of Alphonse being able to conjure up the thought of hurting a kitten, much less killing one.]
That's... what I meant, actually. You wouldn't have had to worry about anything happening that you wouldn't have been able to remember because nothing would've happened. There's nothing to be sorry for.
[...]
Though... if you ever wanted to be the forceful one, that wouldn't necessarily be a bad thing...
[Voice - still knox-like]ignite_the_skyJanuary 26 2011, 00:35:12 UTC
[Another snicker, and this time, it's hard to hide the laughter in his voice.]
Just think about it. I mean, you have the right personality for it -strong but not overbearing, commanding but not controlling, strict but not rigid... [...and all parts hot as hell.]
[...]
...what do you think we should do? I want to hear your thoughts first.
[Voice - still knox-like]firebornfidelisJanuary 26 2011, 01:00:59 UTC
Colonel, that isn't funny.
[She's glad this isn't video, though it probably wouldn't take much for him to imagine her irritated blush.]
I'm not sure. Considering our last few arguments, I'm not sure if we really can carry on and pretend that we don't... want more. Than to just be friends. But I'm not really sure how to be more. And I don't want you to think differently of me if it... doesn't go well.
[Voice - still knox-like]firebornfidelisJanuary 26 2011, 01:32:23 UTC
[She's just going to frown at the Forge for a second and let that one go because she really has no useful comeback aside from bringing up his nightmare again and she won't do that because she needs him to be useful at least until the end of this conversation.]
If you think that it won't ruin what we have, then... I think... maybe we should try.
[Voice - still knox-like]ignite_the_skyJanuary 26 2011, 02:30:29 UTC
We could...
[Dammit, he really hadn't planned on going to any parties or whatnot, but if that's what she wants... and it sure beats the incredibly overdone oh-god-make-it-stop dinner and a movie.]
I care about Scar. It started because of what he did for you - for us - in the underground. He saved us both. That is what I believe. And when you died here, it was Scar, Utena, and Jim Standfast who brought me back. Jim and Utena came out into the ruins and brought me home, but Scar tried to save me. What he said to me then helped me to be strong enough to keep on living without you. And a few months later, I was severely injured by a creature in the ruins. I was close to death but I did not die and at first that made me angry. I was angry that I had survived an attack so much like the one that had killed you. But Dawn visited me. That was when she gave me the butterfly in the jar and reminded me that I still had things to do, still had people to care for. And Scar came to see me with that necklace. I'm sure you've seen me wear it. And his visit and his thoughtfulness was a reminder that there were still people who cared about me. That I wasn't alone.
And now Utena is gone and Dawn has disappeared. You and Scar are two of the most important people to me left in this city. If you need me to reaffirm everything I have lived my life for thus far, my ultimate loyalty lies with you. If I had to make a choice between the two of you, it would always be you. That is not for your ego or to make any apologies for anything I have said. It's the truth.
Beyond that, I don't know what I can tell you that I haven't already said. What I feel for you is difficult to understand. It is hard for me to separate it out of everything else we've been to each other in our lives. I love you. More than that I can't say. And though I can't speak for how you feel, I don't want to keep getting into pointless arguments with you that really boil down to the fact that we have not made a choice to remain what we are or to try to become something more.
And if there is something specific that you don't understand about the way I have been acting, please say so and I will do my best to explain. I don't want to fight with you anymore.
Reply
You asked me before why it had to be her if I didn't feel anything toward her... and honestly, I think that's exactly why. If I don't feel anything, it doesn't mean anything. It's just going through the motions. She could die tomorrow, and the only thing that would bother me is that her puppy is without his mother.
I keep saying I don't want to hurt you or make you suffer on my account, but lately, it's all I really seem capable of. There aren't enough words for me to adequately express what you mean to me, and I can't stand fighting with you because I can't help but think that the next words I say are going to be the ones that tear us apart. I don't want to lose you. You're my entire world. Well, not all of it, because a corner is taken up by a little ball of fluff and teeth, but you're the rest of it. You're family. If not losing you means things stay the way they are, then so be it.
...and you still haven't explained to me why it is I end up getting abused while he gets sunshine and rainbows.
Reply
You have been the center of my world for... more than a decade. There is nothing and no one more important to me than you. You are my family, my whole family excepting Grandfather. I would willingly die for you. Please believe me when I say that there is nothing that you can say that would ever make me abandon you. You don't have to be afraid of that. It's a promise, and I'll do anything not to break a promise. So when I say that this is really about what you want, I mean it.
And when I say that I don't want to fight with you anymore, I mean that, too. I hate yelling at you, and I hate being angry with you. I know it's inevitable in life, there are always disagreements, but when I fight with you it feels like my whole world is hanging in the balance.
[She pauses to catch her breath and... change gears.]
You want to know why, under basically the same circumstances, I was quiet with him and I became violent with you. I don't understand your fixation on this point, but I'll try to explain anyway. With him, in that moment when I woke up beside him and couldn't remember how I'd gotten there, I knew I wouldn't have done anything with him that I would regret not recalling, even while I was inebriated.
[Hopefully he doesn't fail to catch the significant emphasis on one particular word in her last sentence.]
With you, when I woke up like that and I couldn't remember right away... I was upset. I shouldn't have hit you, it wasn't your fault, but in that moment I wasn't quite rational yet and... I didn't want to have forgotten.
[Oh, please let that be clear enough because she doesn't want to have to really spell it out for him.]
Reply
[There's a pause after the text while he decides whether or not to switch it over to voice, but ultimately he has to. This is something he doesn't trust to text, and even though he isn't sure he can properly convey what he wants to get across, he's going to try.
His voice is flat and somewhat distant, as though he's sitting there daydreaming and talking through it.]
When my parents died, I went to live with my aunt, so I basically grew up in a hostess bar, surrounded by women who came and went as time passed, men whose faces I rarely saw -I didn't spend a lot of time in the bar area during business hours, just the back rooms- and alcohol. Putting those three together, there were times when a customer would wind up completely wasted and make a move on whatever girl he was with. Sometimes he would back off when she said no... and sometimes he wouldn't, so things would get ugly. I've seen what happens when a date goes bad. I've known some girls who wound up with some pretty nasty bruises because of it, though if there was anything worse, I never heard it.
My aunt... Those girls were practically her children. Every woman who came through those doors was treated like a member of her family, so I guess I had a bunch of revolving sisters? I don't know. I never asked. But when one of them was hurt, the perpetrator was "escorted off the premises" and not permitted to come back. She didn't tolerate any sort of violence toward them, and she made sure I knew it. No matter their employment, a woman was still a woman... still somebody's mother, sister, daughter, friend...
You're stronger than you look, but physically speaking, I could more than likely overpower you if I tried... but I won't. I can't see myself ever raising a hand to you, taking advantage of you, doing anything that would break the rules that were drilled into my head as a child, or giving you any reason to cry over something like that. I don't even like raising my voice with you. Any more than what I'd had in the hallway, and I can pretty much guarantee that I'd have probably gone straight for a convenient corner, curled up, and that would have been the end of it.
I mean...
[And now he's hit the babbling mark, but his voice is gradually losing the flatness of tone.]
Have you ever tried to get undressed when you're really drunk and your coordination is shot to hell? It's hard. I've actually attempted to shower in my clothes before because I couldn't get them off. Don't really recommend it, though, because wet clothes tend to stick to you and ride up in all the wrong places -not to mention how long it takes to dry off because of all of the layers...and you still can't get them off because not only is your coordination still that of an infant, but everything sticks together and gets heavier and harder to hold...
[...]
...I guess, what I'm trying to say is that if anything were to happen, it would have to be consensual and without any sort of influence behind it, because otherwise, unless you're the forceful one and I'm somehow incapacitated and incapable of putting a stop to it, it wouldn't happen at all.
Reply
That isn't what I was trying to say. At all. I would believe that Alphonse Elric had killed a kitten before I would think that of you. I trust you. You should know this by now but apparently it bears repeating. And I hope you don't think of me as a person capable of doing something like that to anyone, much less you.
The thought that you might have forced yourself on me had never once crossed my mind. The material difference between the two incidents is this: I find that I am not physically attracted to Scar. I have never thought of him in that way. You... are different.
[Her voice drops softer now, loses confidence as it gains a sad kind of warmth.]
What I was afraid of was that I might have done something - or that we had. And that I couldn't remember it because of how much we had drunk. My reaction was irrational, as I know I have said, and I am sorry for it. You were sweet and I... wasn't sure how to deal with it. It's not exactly something I'm used to. Even taking into consideration how drunk we were, what you did for me that night was one of the kindest gestures anyone has ever offered me. It was nice and I am...
[Broken? Abnormal? Undeserving?]
...sorry.
Reply
That's... what I meant, actually. You wouldn't have had to worry about anything happening that you wouldn't have been able to remember because nothing would've happened. There's nothing to be sorry for.
[...]
Though... if you ever wanted to be the forceful one, that wouldn't necessarily be a bad thing...
Reply
[She sounds more surprised than scandalized... possibly because the thought may have crossed her mind...]
Sir, the question still remains. We need to decide what we want to do, whether we want to be... more. Or try to stay what we are.
Reply
Just think about it. I mean, you have the right personality for it -strong but not overbearing, commanding but not controlling, strict but not rigid... [...and all parts hot as hell.]
[...]
...what do you think we should do? I want to hear your thoughts first.
Reply
[She's glad this isn't video, though it probably wouldn't take much for him to imagine her irritated blush.]
I'm not sure. Considering our last few arguments, I'm not sure if we really can carry on and pretend that we don't... want more. Than to just be friends. But I'm not really sure how to be more. And I don't want you to think differently of me if it... doesn't go well.
What do you think, sir?
Reply
[And he's not going to think about it anymore because he's not really interested in a cold shower]
I don't think anything would really change my opinion of you... but I don't want to try if you don't.
Reply
If you think that it won't ruin what we have, then... I think... maybe we should try.
Reply
...take it slow and see where it goes?
Reply
[She pauses and the Forge feels a little heavy in her hand.]
For example... we could go to Elena's party. Together.
Reply
[Dammit, he really hadn't planned on going to any parties or whatnot, but if that's what she wants... and it sure beats the incredibly overdone oh-god-make-it-stop dinner and a movie.]
...o-okay.
Reply
Reply
[Who..? Oh!]
You mean the girl with the carpet and drapes?
Reply
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