Roleplay Confessions Collection: Numb.
A/N: There's only so much that I can say here. It's been a little over two years since I last posted something to this collection, but... I just want to... Again. No capitalization, but hopefully grammar and punctuation are on point. I don't usually read over these for errors sometimes when I'm done, nor do I usually come back until maybe months later and find something that I need to chech, but yeah...
i guess the best thing that i can do now is spill what i'm thinking. i can't say that i really have anything on my heart that i need to say but, then again, i'm too numb to really notice it now. see, this show that i've started watching again has reminded me that i know what it feels like to be on the outside. to sit by and watch the person you like, adore...love...be with someone else. i guess the argument that we had...when i said that it felt like you were lying...maybe i didn't realize it then, but i feel like it may be because you told me that you liked me then. that you had always wanted to be with me. maybe that's what i felt like was a lie. sure, there were moments here and there where it seemed like you wanted the same thing i did, but they never lasted long. those were moment that seemed to be gone in the blink of an eye. one inhale. one exhale. the moment was gone. things were back to the way they were and the daydream had ended. i can't say that i ever fell out of love with you. i can say that i never stopped caring. i know that i'm partially to blame because i never said anything about how i felt, but it comes with reason. i've learned the hard way that actions don't speak louder than words. it's the words that aren't spoken that speak the loudest. that's a motto i've come to live by. actions aren't always easy to decipher. i mean, i can cut myself and someone may assume that it was because i hate myself. or it was someone else's doing. it may not even be brought to someone's attention that it was an accident. they may never realize it if i don't say anything. sure, i've played around. i had no other choice when you've always been so preoccupied with someone else. i know why we became distant in the beginning but, even after that had all fallen through, we weren't the same. even if you didn't feel it, i did. we were too far apart and yet so close at the same time. as though there were a window between us and we could get that close but we couldn't touch. it always just felt like there was something in the way. i know that i've caused problems for myself. that i've let myself get too attached when i shouldn't. that i play around when i shouldn't even let anyone attach to me. that i jump in without thinking of what's swimming in the water with me. i wouldn't think. i tried not to. i tried not to let myself realize when i cared because i couldn't help worrying that things wouldn't work out and, even when i let myself just enjoy the moment, i couldn't be happy. something always came through to ruin it. i'm not the jealous type. i'm not the possessive type. i'd rather for someone to go be with someone else than even bothering to two-time me. i'd rather not even put up a fight. so, yeah, i would never put the blame fully on someone else because i know how i can be and the things - the habits - that i have that can get in the way. but, in the end, maybe i just have been hurt and let myself be hurt too many times to feel anything at all anymore. i've been left and i've done the leaving. i've had someone just disappear on me and i've slipped away myself. distance can make the heart grow fonder but what happens when there's ice building? what happens when distance - a barrier - slips in between the ice and things just stay like that? the ice can only stay broken. stay in pieces. stay divided. and they when the barrier disappears? it won't fit back together the same, because the ice has usually melted somehow by then. i don't want things to be like that anymore. i don't want to be hurt anymore. i don't want to attach myself anymore. i don't want the nicotine anymore. the nicotine only soothes for a bit but then the pain returns and reality comes rushing in. i just want the innocence again. even before the hand-holding. before the snuggling. before the kisses. before the butterflies you gave me. i just want to start over and forget everything because everything that has happened...has left so many scars in their wake that there's no more space for any new ones. i want a clean slate to forget who i am and even to forget who you are. to forget it all and pretend none of it ever happened. it got me nowhere. i'm a firm believer in things happening for a reason but i will never understand most of the journey this time. this path that's been created. i can't say i regret any of it, but i can say i just want to erase it and walk past it. cover it and leave it be. but i don't think we want the same thing. i don't know if we ever really have. but, then again, i can't think straight with how numb i've become...
i guess the best thing that i can do now is spill what i'm thinking. i can't say that i really have anything on my heart that i need to say but, then again, i'm too numb to really notice it now. see, this show that i've started watching again has reminded me that i know what it feels like to be on the outside. to sit by and watch the person you like, adore...love...be with someone else. i guess the argument that we had...when i said that it felt like you were lying...maybe i didn't realize it then, but i feel like it may be because you told me that you liked me then. that you had always wanted to be with me. maybe that's what i felt like was a lie. sure, there were moments here and there where it seemed like you wanted the same thing i did, but they never lasted long. those were moment that seemed to be gone in the blink of an eye. one inhale. one exhale. the moment was gone. things were back to the way they were and the daydream had ended. i can't say that i ever fell out of love with you. i can say that i never stopped caring. i know that i'm partially to blame because i never said anything about how i felt, but it comes with reason. i've learned the hard way that actions don't speak louder than words. it's the words that aren't spoken that speak the loudest. that's a motto i've come to live by. actions aren't always easy to decipher. i mean, i can cut myself and someone may assume that it was because i hate myself. or it was someone else's doing. it may not even be brought to someone's attention that it was an accident. they may never realize it if i don't say anything. sure, i've played around. i had no other choice when you've always been so preoccupied with someone else. i know why we became distant in the beginning but, even after that had all fallen through, we weren't the same. even if you didn't feel it, i did. we were too far apart and yet so close at the same time. as though there were a window between us and we could get that close but we couldn't touch. it always just felt like there was something in the way. i know that i've caused problems for myself. that i've let myself get too attached when i shouldn't. that i play around when i shouldn't even let anyone attach to me. that i jump in without thinking of what's swimming in the water with me. i wouldn't think. i tried not to. i tried not to let myself realize when i cared because i couldn't help worrying that things wouldn't work out and, even when i let myself just enjoy the moment, i couldn't be happy. something always came through to ruin it. i'm not the jealous type. i'm not the possessive type. i'd rather for someone to go be with someone else than even bothering to two-time me. i'd rather not even put up a fight. so, yeah, i would never put the blame fully on someone else because i know how i can be and the things - the habits - that i have that can get in the way. but, in the end, maybe i just have been hurt and let myself be hurt too many times to feel anything at all anymore. i've been left and i've done the leaving. i've had someone just disappear on me and i've slipped away myself. distance can make the heart grow fonder but what happens when there's ice building? what happens when distance - a barrier - slips in between the ice and things just stay like that? the ice can only stay broken. stay in pieces. stay divided. and they when the barrier disappears? it won't fit back together the same, because the ice has usually melted somehow by then. i don't want things to be like that anymore. i don't want to be hurt anymore. i don't want to attach myself anymore. i don't want the nicotine anymore. the nicotine only soothes for a bit but then the pain returns and reality comes rushing in. i just want the innocence again. even before the hand-holding. before the snuggling. before the kisses. before the butterflies you gave me. i just want to start over and forget everything because everything that has happened...has left so many scars in their wake that there's no more space for any new ones. i want a clean slate to forget who i am and even to forget who you are. to forget it all and pretend none of it ever happened. it got me nowhere. i'm a firm believer in things happening for a reason but i will never understand most of the journey this time. this path that's been created. i can't say i regret any of it, but i can say i just want to erase it and walk past it. cover it and leave it be. but i don't think we want the same thing. i don't know if we ever really have. but, then again, i can't think straight with how numb i've become...