(no subject)
2 things are driving me mad right now...
first is not knowing what i want or what i'm looking for (in a guy/relationship). i've been kinda seeing adam for like a week. unofficially. he's cool and i like him, but i'm definately holding back. and whether that is holding back to explore more options or holding back because i subconciously am still waiting for jimmy, i dont know. maybe both. but i feel like i wont be finding myself with more then the slightest interest in a guy any time soon. and i feel like i'll never be able to love anyone ever again. which makes me ask: what's the point? even though i know that i'll probably love someone and maybe one day i'll find someone i genuinely like. but then i'm left with this time of uncertainty, confusion, emptiness, loss, nostalgia that i feel like needs a filler. what do i do with myself until i can figure out what i want? over winter break when jimmy didnt come home and until a few days ago, my filler was pot. i decided that was not a good replacement for genuine happiness and therefore am cutting back. but now what? ....
secondly, marisa is being flakey and kt and i think she might bail on signing the lease with us. thing is, since last year kt told marisa she'd stick with her. kt dropped bill because marisa said she wanted to live with us. and we wanter her to live with us a lot. but now she's all overly concerned with her dogs happiness and afraid he's gonna go crazy living here cuz of the parties we throw monthly... so if marisa bails that means kt might too. i have the lease on my desk and i've signed. i'm not moving regardless of what they choose to do, but should marisa bail and kt decides she has to too, i'm going to be kinda screwed and also pretty pissed. so all i can do is wait and hope that things work out and that our landlord doesnt get anxious for the signed lease and deposit back. i went through a lot of talks with him just to allow marisa's dog in our house. and i'm gonna feel like a complete ass if she bails and i have to tell him sorry for all the bother of making these arrangements and plans for us.
first is not knowing what i want or what i'm looking for (in a guy/relationship). i've been kinda seeing adam for like a week. unofficially. he's cool and i like him, but i'm definately holding back. and whether that is holding back to explore more options or holding back because i subconciously am still waiting for jimmy, i dont know. maybe both. but i feel like i wont be finding myself with more then the slightest interest in a guy any time soon. and i feel like i'll never be able to love anyone ever again. which makes me ask: what's the point? even though i know that i'll probably love someone and maybe one day i'll find someone i genuinely like. but then i'm left with this time of uncertainty, confusion, emptiness, loss, nostalgia that i feel like needs a filler. what do i do with myself until i can figure out what i want? over winter break when jimmy didnt come home and until a few days ago, my filler was pot. i decided that was not a good replacement for genuine happiness and therefore am cutting back. but now what? ....
secondly, marisa is being flakey and kt and i think she might bail on signing the lease with us. thing is, since last year kt told marisa she'd stick with her. kt dropped bill because marisa said she wanted to live with us. and we wanter her to live with us a lot. but now she's all overly concerned with her dogs happiness and afraid he's gonna go crazy living here cuz of the parties we throw monthly... so if marisa bails that means kt might too. i have the lease on my desk and i've signed. i'm not moving regardless of what they choose to do, but should marisa bail and kt decides she has to too, i'm going to be kinda screwed and also pretty pissed. so all i can do is wait and hope that things work out and that our landlord doesnt get anxious for the signed lease and deposit back. i went through a lot of talks with him just to allow marisa's dog in our house. and i'm gonna feel like a complete ass if she bails and i have to tell him sorry for all the bother of making these arrangements and plans for us.