I Did Something Right
I was messaging Lika a couple weeks ago, telling her "I don't understand. I'm still paranoid and anxious I'll find a way to screw up my future employment, even though I JUST finished an assignment. It's been a year since I went to Dean Myers. Why aren't I over it?"
Her reply was something along the lines of "In my experience, to recover from a traumatic event, it's best if you're able to experience something that balances it out."
I had meltdowns and was literally afraid to go to work for about six weeks straight, to the point I returned home depressed and numb, and couldn't find delight in anything. Dean Myers terminated me on a "good" note, and I secured employment through a financial institution only be told "You did nothing wrong, they just felt you were too slow."
I could have asked the recruiter the specifics, but they would just tell me the client didn't approve of my progress, so I figured "May as well skip the lecture and do the self-hate myself." I couldn't lash out at the agency for not "protecting" me, and I couldn't beg the client to just give me one more week, so as well punish myself.
I was convinced that I suck, that my brain was stupid, that I was a lost cause, because if I wasn't wired so slow, I wouldn't have screwed up and I'd still be working. If I was good at employment, they would have kept me, duh.
Just. Like. Everything. Else.
The six week assignment didn't really help my self-esteem. I still left pretty much every day waiting for the shoe to drop, but I did like the people so I told myself to enjoy whatever income I could earn. Six weeks later, I completed the contract and while I wasn't celebrating, at least I wasn't hating myself.
Two weeks later, as of now, the agency secured me an interview for a downtown company that's supposed to have a role for six months. I wasn't going to hold my breath, but figured, why the hell not? I walked in, they interviewed me right away, asked me what my experience was with Excel, and I told them I had just completed an assignment that involved six weeks of Excel.
I think that reply alone sealed the deal.
The interview went on for 20 minutes - it was more like a conversation than an interview and I got an immediate amicable vibe from these people. I couldn't tell what they initially thought of me, but they certainly seemed to enjoy talking with me; I enquired about the role, why it was created for six months (as opposed to a couple weeks or a year), and we had a friendly discussion about it. As I left the office, I had a good feeling about it.
Two hours later, settled at home with my dinner and a drink, I got the call stating the client wanted me to start next Monday.
I did something right. Oh my god. I... I did something right for once.
I don't know if this role is going to last. My anxiety is already telling me I'll screw it up somehow. I'll be too slow and make mistakes and two weeks later, they'll give me the boot.
But damn, this gave me a much needed boost of self-esteem.
Her reply was something along the lines of "In my experience, to recover from a traumatic event, it's best if you're able to experience something that balances it out."
I had meltdowns and was literally afraid to go to work for about six weeks straight, to the point I returned home depressed and numb, and couldn't find delight in anything. Dean Myers terminated me on a "good" note, and I secured employment through a financial institution only be told "You did nothing wrong, they just felt you were too slow."
I could have asked the recruiter the specifics, but they would just tell me the client didn't approve of my progress, so I figured "May as well skip the lecture and do the self-hate myself." I couldn't lash out at the agency for not "protecting" me, and I couldn't beg the client to just give me one more week, so as well punish myself.
I was convinced that I suck, that my brain was stupid, that I was a lost cause, because if I wasn't wired so slow, I wouldn't have screwed up and I'd still be working. If I was good at employment, they would have kept me, duh.
Just. Like. Everything. Else.
The six week assignment didn't really help my self-esteem. I still left pretty much every day waiting for the shoe to drop, but I did like the people so I told myself to enjoy whatever income I could earn. Six weeks later, I completed the contract and while I wasn't celebrating, at least I wasn't hating myself.
Two weeks later, as of now, the agency secured me an interview for a downtown company that's supposed to have a role for six months. I wasn't going to hold my breath, but figured, why the hell not? I walked in, they interviewed me right away, asked me what my experience was with Excel, and I told them I had just completed an assignment that involved six weeks of Excel.
I think that reply alone sealed the deal.
The interview went on for 20 minutes - it was more like a conversation than an interview and I got an immediate amicable vibe from these people. I couldn't tell what they initially thought of me, but they certainly seemed to enjoy talking with me; I enquired about the role, why it was created for six months (as opposed to a couple weeks or a year), and we had a friendly discussion about it. As I left the office, I had a good feeling about it.
Two hours later, settled at home with my dinner and a drink, I got the call stating the client wanted me to start next Monday.
I did something right. Oh my god. I... I did something right for once.
I don't know if this role is going to last. My anxiety is already telling me I'll screw it up somehow. I'll be too slow and make mistakes and two weeks later, they'll give me the boot.
But damn, this gave me a much needed boost of self-esteem.