Yoga: Forearm Stand and false self-images
Yesterday in class I did Forearm Stand (Pincha Mayurasana) unsupported with both legs twice. I think that qualifies me as knowing how to do it :). So, here are some scenes of me doing Forearm Stand over the years.
The beginning
Forearm stand is actually a relief. I stand with my forearms and knees on the ground and try to straighten my legs. Then, as if that's not hard enough, I have to take one leg closer to my hands and lift the other one up. My arms trembles, I breath heavily and the only thing I want is out of this pose. So it's no wonder that hopping with the leg that is on the ground and sending both legs to the wall is actually a relief. Here I am, out of the constricted pose and to top it all, upside down! What fun. too bad I'd have to go through that preparatory pose on the ground every-time before I get into forearm stand.
Practice and then some
My teacher has no mercy - sometimes she let us practice the preparatory pose without lifting up to Forearm stand. I challenge anyone who thinks that's fair. But over time, the muscles at the back of my legs lengthen and my back is used to this pose which is very similar to face- down-dog and I can pay attention to other things like keeping my elbows close together and breathing evenly. I still feel, lifting into forearm stand is the best escape out of it (the incentive of the first Yogi is totally clear in my mind) but I'm not that anxious to escape right away. I can stay here for a couple of minutes first. the escape and it's reward are just as inevitable.
Leaving the wall
I position my fingers a dozen of inches from the wall so when I'm in forearm stand I need to bend one leg at the knee to reach the wall. I can stay for a second or two on my own but then my leg touches the wall again for reassurance. Sometimes, I can stay off the wall for longer periods. and yet, going up with the wall and then leaving it is not as going up in the middle of the room. I try to convince my yoga teacher to teach us how to practice in the middle of the room. eventually she relents.
Two helpers too many
There are many ways to teach how to do forearm stand in the middle of the room but the way my teacher teaches it, is to teach you how to fall backwards without harming oneself. Then, it's all about practicing. "Eventually, you get tired of falling and then you just stay up" she says. So. In order to teach us how to fall safely, one student is trying to do Forearm stand in the middle of the room and two students help him keep his balance by catching his legs. In order to fall, he needs to put his head on the ground, bend his knees and then "just" fall. With two helpers, each guiding one of the legs down, it's all done in slow motion. No one gets hurt but on the other hand, "falling" seems more like an elaborated descent rather than the uncontrolled motion that "falling" implies. How can anyone do THAT alone is even more perplexing than thinking about forearm stand.
Much ado about nothing
It takes me months. Every time I get to a place where there is a stretch of grass, I think I'd like to try fall from forearm stand by myself but I just can't imagine doing that. Eventually I try. The sun is warm, the grass is green and I just can't resist trying - I am many things but not a cowered so I plunge in: arms on the grass, a deep breath, one leg up and the other hopping and... A millisecond later I'm on my back looking at the sky. Was that really all? Nothing hurts so I guess I fell alright. Over that millisecond I hesitated for so long? I try it again.
Never tired of falling
Apparently I'm never tired of falling. I am so excited about knowing how to fall from forearm stand that it might be that I forget that I'm supposed to stay up, not demonstrate how enthusiastically I fall down.
Still falling
I think I'm tired of falling, I HOPE I'm tired of falling but of course I'm still falling. I was betting myself that I can do that before my firstborn learns to walk. His brother is already walking and I'm still falling. Sometimes perseverance is a real drawback. I MUST get tired of falling real soon. Please.
Too much force
It's a yoga class and the teacher, presumably, is demonstrating a forearm stand. It occurs to me that the upper leg is really very close to its final position and that a very gentle hop is probably all that is needed. I try it and this time, instead of falling backwards I fall forward to my initial position. I try it again. I'm still falling but much less enthusiastically. I don't fall, then fall again and we move on to the next pose.
That's how it is now: occasional forearm stands between falling to both directions - at least I'm diversifying.
I still fall, from time to time but much more often I'm just standing there on my forearms. Today for example I lifted my right leg first. Then I did it with my left leg and with my right again. When I did it with my left I fell backwards so I tried it again and here I was again. On my forearms.
False self images
Well, there were many false images around but I guess the prominent one was not realizing how gentle the hop must be. When I just started doing forearm stands against the wall all those years ago, my legs were far from my forearms, my pelvic was low and I needed a lot of momentum to hop all the way to the wall. Time passed, my pose changed, but my self image didn't follow. I was still imagining my pose as it was so many years before. Like someone after a diet that still carries himself as if he were fat. Everything changes but sometimes our perception changes in a slower rate and our perception about ourselves changes slower still.
It made me think: can I come up with something else, as small as it might be, in which my self image is backwards to where I am today?