Would you catch me if I fall...
Am at my internship. V. bad employee, here. Have been feedbacking/reading/etc in between several few minute stints of doing actual work. Trying to decide if I care or not. *shrugs*
I'm really feeling off-balance and unsettled by this whole graduation thing. I've always defined myself as a "student," whether through compulsory designations of standardized forms, or simply in my own brain. After May, this designation no longer applies.
What then do I become? I will not have a "real job" or a husband or kids or a real home of my own. I'll be a college graduate working as a pool manager to earn the money to move to the UK for six months and be a college graduate pulling pints in a pub, or some equally unfulfilling position. Don't get me wrong. I want to graduate. I want to live in the UK. I just don't...think I know who I am anymore.
Yeah, yeah, you're going to tell me that I was/am/ever will be so much more than a student. But I feel like student is the element of cohesion: all the other floaty bits of my personality are stuck to it, like fly-paper. What happens when you dissolve the paper? You end up with a little pile of dead flies. (Ok, i know, it doesn't dissolve. Play along with my bad metaphor.)But the flies don't go together. They don't stick to each other, build a "whole." They're just flies. Dead ones.
I'll have all these little personality bits circling each other, like planets in a solar system, only there's no sun. That becomes a problem in a solar system, that not having a center thing. Yeah. What are my bits doing then? What graviational pull do they respond to?
I know, I'm not going to disappear. I'll still be me, and real, and physical. I'll still have all of the pieces. But that doesn't feel like enough somehow. What do you do when the puzzle pieces get scattered? It's a long hard road to gather them together again. Will my pieces be scattered? Will I even feel any different in a month and a half? Is all of this worrying insane and uncalled for?
What am I doing? When someone asks me "What do you do?" what am I going to say?
"Someday I want to be a writer."
"Yes, but what do you DO?"
"..."
I'm really feeling off-balance and unsettled by this whole graduation thing. I've always defined myself as a "student," whether through compulsory designations of standardized forms, or simply in my own brain. After May, this designation no longer applies.
What then do I become? I will not have a "real job" or a husband or kids or a real home of my own. I'll be a college graduate working as a pool manager to earn the money to move to the UK for six months and be a college graduate pulling pints in a pub, or some equally unfulfilling position. Don't get me wrong. I want to graduate. I want to live in the UK. I just don't...think I know who I am anymore.
Yeah, yeah, you're going to tell me that I was/am/ever will be so much more than a student. But I feel like student is the element of cohesion: all the other floaty bits of my personality are stuck to it, like fly-paper. What happens when you dissolve the paper? You end up with a little pile of dead flies. (Ok, i know, it doesn't dissolve. Play along with my bad metaphor.)But the flies don't go together. They don't stick to each other, build a "whole." They're just flies. Dead ones.
I'll have all these little personality bits circling each other, like planets in a solar system, only there's no sun. That becomes a problem in a solar system, that not having a center thing. Yeah. What are my bits doing then? What graviational pull do they respond to?
I know, I'm not going to disappear. I'll still be me, and real, and physical. I'll still have all of the pieces. But that doesn't feel like enough somehow. What do you do when the puzzle pieces get scattered? It's a long hard road to gather them together again. Will my pieces be scattered? Will I even feel any different in a month and a half? Is all of this worrying insane and uncalled for?
What am I doing? When someone asks me "What do you do?" what am I going to say?
"Someday I want to be a writer."
"Yes, but what do you DO?"
"..."