For Shadow
I lost my baby last night. It's still impossible to believe. She was barely eight years old, but she had developed a really aggressive form of cancer. I feel like I've had a part of myself wrenched out. It was so sudden and so horrible. One week she seemed a little listless, and the next she had to be rushed to the ER.
I don't know how I'm going to live without her. She was such a big part of my life. She created so much happiness just by being there and loving us. We've had so many awful things happen this past year, but this is the worst. There's just no way to recover from something so wrong. I always thought we'd have twice this many years together. I thought we'd go walking in the fields again once they were harvested and play in the snow this winter.
She was the smartest, most kind and loving dog in the world and nothing will ever fill the void she left. The house feels so cold and empty without her, and everything I see reminds me of her. Even the yard hurts to look at; I see all the places she used to play and the tree we used to sit under when the weather was nice.
We buried her this morning in what used to be our kitchen garden with her favorite toy and the first afghan I made when I learned to crochet. It's going to be Shadow's garden now. When I feel up to it I'm going to plant a lot of the lavender and other things I've grown from cuttings there, and fill it with sweet smelling herbs and flowers. It's the only thing I think I can do for her now, and I want to have a peaceful place to remember her.
She was such a special dog, and all I have of her now is a lock of hair the vet cut off for me and a few photos. I'm keeping the hair with me and when I find the right materials I'm going to make an amulet bag for it, so I can carry a bit of her wherever I go.
My mom and I are heartsick, and we miss her terribly. I'm just glad she was a happy dog and that I'm sure she knew she was loved. I'll always love and treasure her, but I don't think I'll ever stop missing her.