This was Lisa's wake and funeral
I was at my parents' Monday night, and when she passed away Tuesday morning, I stayed over that night, too. My dad dropped me at my apartment halfway through Wednesday. The next thirty-six hours I spent making photo boards for the wake. It took much more attention than I thought it would.
My dad picked me up after sunrise on Friday and he bought me French Toast Sticks from Burger King, but everything felt wrong. The morning light wasn't pretty, it was cold and lonely and weird. I felt sick from the night before. It occurred to me that Marty saw Doc die right in front of him and then I told myself to shut up. It occurred to me that every hero's journey begins with the death of the mentor. Then I really told myself to shut up. Isn't it funny I'm still writing this for Lisa's sense of humor.
I fell right back asleep when I got to my parents' and stayed that way til my mom woke me ("Did you mean to sleep this late? We're leaving soon!" I had had no idea when we would be leaving.)
My family were the second at the funeral home after my grandparents, and my grandfather holding my crying grandmother was the first thing I saw when I came in. I only glanced at the casket from the back of the room, but it was enough to slightly disturb me because it wasn't Lisa. I've read 'it looks just like she's sleeping,' but that's crap; I've seen Lisa sleeping, and she didn't look like that--skin limp and wrinkled. I didn't feel anything negative about it, though, except "yup. she's most definitely not in there. bodies are weird." Shayla cried when she saw her, and she explained later that it was because it was the first time it was real for her. She had been at college during the entire ordeal.
I went into the whole ceremony saying I didn't want strangers to touch me. I didn't want anyone touching me. But it wasn't so bad. We laughed and joked a lot in the receiving line and lots of people hugged us. Some mourners seemed awkward or uncertain and that was fine. I'm physically unable to feel embarrassed after the Secret of My Success Shower Incident last fall, thank god, so it wasn't awkward in the least. One woman really got it. She said, "you had a very special relationship with her," and it was like my heart jump-started, like yeah. Somebody actually seemed to get it. I said to her what I'd been thinking, about how it's hard because I say she's my aunt and people have their own idea of what that means, but that's not what we had. And the woman shook her head in agreement and said more. It felt warm to be understood. I guess that's the theme of this whole thing. Lisa understood me like no one else, and now-
One girl was very teary and she shook my hand. As she talked to me, she became more upset. I listened to her and then asked, "Do you want a hug?!" because I really wanted to help her. And she said yeah, and I got to hug her. Like, I feel like that was most of what I was doing; comforting people. Which is funny, considering Lisa was/remains til further notice the most important person in my life. But then I wasn't the one crying.
Amy was a wreck. I didn't know who she was then, but she stayed a long while, crying constantly. At the very end, my cousins and I turned the receiving line into a circle and we were laughing together when she joined the circle and sobbed, "I feel like I know you all!" And she was so sweet. She pointed out different things she knew about different family members, and then she threw her arms around me and cried, "She had your CD at work. A CD with your music on it. She'd play it all the time!" And I hugged her and said, "Oh, well when you play it, think of her." And she said, "I will!" She turned to Tyler, "You could work at the center, you look just like her."
My cousins and I had a lot of fun, overall, exploring the downstairs bathrooms of the funeral parlor (they're still the same. every detail.) and walking in our black mourning clothes to 7/11 for food. It was freezing out and Shayla had worn a short dress and heels and I didn't know how she could stand it. As I walked the aisles of the store I said to myself, "I don't think I've been in a 7/11 since August. And that was in Illinois." With Lisa. When she showed me the DVD set that made--well, would have made my weekend under normal circumstances. We considered asking my dad for the car keys so we could eat in the car. I fantasized just taking off and driving us all away to Maine or somewhere far. That would have been great. I decided it's a good idea and I'll put it into Marie's story, which is just like my life. Intensified. (oh my god if anyone understood that reference they would know Marie's story isn't like mine at all. But nobody understands it because nobody gets my obscene interests AYO (I'm so alone))
Later in the night people wanted me to go on a gum run, my dad told me to go, my mom called me back kind of unhappy and surprised like where was I going (??oh dear me what if it had been to the bathroom?? how could they bear it??). Not to mention my parents spent half the night not in the receiving line, but sitting, talking with friends, leaving me and Shayla to "represent them" in line. So I resented them for that. And I resented those who told us to hurry when we took a break for dinner. haha I hadn't eaten since the french toast sticks that morning. I was beyond caring when my mom halfway-admonished me about how it looked weird with just my grandparents and a couple others in the line. haha how are your friends doing did you catch up with them.
I turned away from the receiving line for a moment. The night had fallen outside the window, but I couldn't see more than reflections of traffic through the curtains. Sharon was on one side of me and she turned, too, and I felt the oddest sense of camaraderie. How the many holidays and after-school afternoons we had spent together had just been leading to hurdles as difficult as this. It felt very much like we were united as a family undergoing something.
I'll find the right words later. Will edit.
My dad picked me up after sunrise on Friday and he bought me French Toast Sticks from Burger King, but everything felt wrong. The morning light wasn't pretty, it was cold and lonely and weird. I felt sick from the night before. It occurred to me that Marty saw Doc die right in front of him and then I told myself to shut up. It occurred to me that every hero's journey begins with the death of the mentor. Then I really told myself to shut up. Isn't it funny I'm still writing this for Lisa's sense of humor.
I fell right back asleep when I got to my parents' and stayed that way til my mom woke me ("Did you mean to sleep this late? We're leaving soon!" I had had no idea when we would be leaving.)
My family were the second at the funeral home after my grandparents, and my grandfather holding my crying grandmother was the first thing I saw when I came in. I only glanced at the casket from the back of the room, but it was enough to slightly disturb me because it wasn't Lisa. I've read 'it looks just like she's sleeping,' but that's crap; I've seen Lisa sleeping, and she didn't look like that--skin limp and wrinkled. I didn't feel anything negative about it, though, except "yup. she's most definitely not in there. bodies are weird." Shayla cried when she saw her, and she explained later that it was because it was the first time it was real for her. She had been at college during the entire ordeal.
I went into the whole ceremony saying I didn't want strangers to touch me. I didn't want anyone touching me. But it wasn't so bad. We laughed and joked a lot in the receiving line and lots of people hugged us. Some mourners seemed awkward or uncertain and that was fine. I'm physically unable to feel embarrassed after the Secret of My Success Shower Incident last fall, thank god, so it wasn't awkward in the least. One woman really got it. She said, "you had a very special relationship with her," and it was like my heart jump-started, like yeah. Somebody actually seemed to get it. I said to her what I'd been thinking, about how it's hard because I say she's my aunt and people have their own idea of what that means, but that's not what we had. And the woman shook her head in agreement and said more. It felt warm to be understood. I guess that's the theme of this whole thing. Lisa understood me like no one else, and now-
One girl was very teary and she shook my hand. As she talked to me, she became more upset. I listened to her and then asked, "Do you want a hug?!" because I really wanted to help her. And she said yeah, and I got to hug her. Like, I feel like that was most of what I was doing; comforting people. Which is funny, considering Lisa was/remains til further notice the most important person in my life. But then I wasn't the one crying.
Amy was a wreck. I didn't know who she was then, but she stayed a long while, crying constantly. At the very end, my cousins and I turned the receiving line into a circle and we were laughing together when she joined the circle and sobbed, "I feel like I know you all!" And she was so sweet. She pointed out different things she knew about different family members, and then she threw her arms around me and cried, "She had your CD at work. A CD with your music on it. She'd play it all the time!" And I hugged her and said, "Oh, well when you play it, think of her." And she said, "I will!" She turned to Tyler, "You could work at the center, you look just like her."
My cousins and I had a lot of fun, overall, exploring the downstairs bathrooms of the funeral parlor (they're still the same. every detail.) and walking in our black mourning clothes to 7/11 for food. It was freezing out and Shayla had worn a short dress and heels and I didn't know how she could stand it. As I walked the aisles of the store I said to myself, "I don't think I've been in a 7/11 since August. And that was in Illinois." With Lisa. When she showed me the DVD set that made--well, would have made my weekend under normal circumstances. We considered asking my dad for the car keys so we could eat in the car. I fantasized just taking off and driving us all away to Maine or somewhere far. That would have been great. I decided it's a good idea and I'll put it into Marie's story, which is just like my life. Intensified. (oh my god if anyone understood that reference they would know Marie's story isn't like mine at all. But nobody understands it because nobody gets my obscene interests AYO (I'm so alone))
Later in the night people wanted me to go on a gum run, my dad told me to go, my mom called me back kind of unhappy and surprised like where was I going (??oh dear me what if it had been to the bathroom?? how could they bear it??). Not to mention my parents spent half the night not in the receiving line, but sitting, talking with friends, leaving me and Shayla to "represent them" in line. So I resented them for that. And I resented those who told us to hurry when we took a break for dinner. haha I hadn't eaten since the french toast sticks that morning. I was beyond caring when my mom halfway-admonished me about how it looked weird with just my grandparents and a couple others in the line. haha how are your friends doing did you catch up with them.
I turned away from the receiving line for a moment. The night had fallen outside the window, but I couldn't see more than reflections of traffic through the curtains. Sharon was on one side of me and she turned, too, and I felt the oddest sense of camaraderie. How the many holidays and after-school afternoons we had spent together had just been leading to hurdles as difficult as this. It felt very much like we were united as a family undergoing something.
I'll find the right words later. Will edit.