Room # 314 - Wednesday Night
Neil quietly held the door for Andrew and then closed it behind him. Waving the other boy towards his bed and the wool blanket of snuggling, Neil paced over to the window and leaned against the wall, looking out into the night.
He knew he was going to have to start talking soon and was gathering his thoughts.
[ooc: Post for wannabe_pan. NFB and sensitive ( Read more... )
He knew he was going to have to start talking soon and was gathering his thoughts.
[ooc: Post for wannabe_pan. NFB and sensitive ( Read more... )
Taking a deep breath, Neil crossed his arms over his chest and looked out the window.
"Last year, I started what should have been my junior year at Welton, a school I'd gone to for years. My family isn't rich, Andrew. I was at Welton through a combination of academic strength and my Father's hard work. I loved Welton, I had good friends, despite our social differences they were people I cared about, were closer to me than brothers but Father never let me forget that I was there to make something of myself. Specifically I was there to lay the ground work to get into medical school."
Running a fingertip along the glass, Neil pressed his flesh against the cold pane.
"Honestly, my being a doctor is my mother's dream but my father would give her the world if he could and so it was pretty clear between us that in this case I would live up to her expectations. Welton, Harvard, medical school, wife, 2.4 kids ... well, you know everything that was expected of a good boy back in the 40s."
Turning towards Andrew, Neil shifted to press his shoulders to the glass.
"But it wasn't what I wanted. None of it was. I wanted to be an actor. I never felt more alive than when I was on stage ... actually, I don't know. Maybe I just wanted to be something that wasn't some stepping stone to the next stepping stone and the next. I tried talking to my father about it, tried talking to him about a couple of things I did that I enjoyed but if they didn't make a contribution towards keeping me in Welton and getting me towards Harvard they were cut out of my life. As a dutiful son my life was his to order and my answer to his plans was to be nothing more than 'Yes, Sir.'"
Moving away from the window, Neil began to pace. Reaching up to his temple, he rubbed at the left side of his head.
"But last year, things got ... muddled. There was a new teacher at Welton, his name was Mr. Keating." Turning towards Andrew, Neil smiled. "He was ... unlike any teacher I'd ever had ... well, till I came here. He was vibrant, full of life, creative, driven, passionate. He taught us all to seize the day because in the end, it's the chance to take your moment that defines you."
Reply
Reply
"Mr. Keating gave a lot of us the impetus to stretch our wings, you might say. Tame by today's standards but back then, particularly for a boarding school like Welton, it was pretty scandalous. But it was freedom and it was wonderful."
Walking back towards the window, Neil looked back out into the night.
"I was riding high on my own glory when I came across a flyer for a community production of Midsummer's Journey. In retrospect, I did everything about as wrong as I could but ... I was certain my father would say no and I wanted it so badly and then, when I got the lead, it just snowballed from there."
Sighing softly, Neil pushed his hands into his pockets.
"Both Mr. Keating and Todd tried to tell me I was being unwise but I had the bit between my teeth. I forged a letter in my father's name to get into the production and honestly thought I could get away with it but our community is way too small and Father ended up coming to the opening night."
Looking to the side, Neil stared at Andrew for a moment and then pushed onwards.
"He was furious. More so at my lies and deception than the actual rebellion itself, which is what Keating tried to warn me about. He took me home that night, told my mother," Neil stared at his own reflection and his voice softened. "She was so, disappointed. In a way that was worse than Father's shouting. Uhm... right, anyway. Father had been holding the threat of military school over my head for a couple of years and he told me that I would not return to Welton and after the holiday break I'd be going to military school."
Chuffing without humor, Neil turned towards Andrew, arms crossed over his chest, hugging himself.
"Probably doesn't sound so bad but at the time, I couldn't stand the thought of it. I'd had this taste of my own life and the idea of going into such a structured, rigid establishment, it felt like my soul was being crushed."
A deep breath and Neil closed his eyes a minute and then opened them back up.
"Also the thought of being cut off from my friends, from those boys who meant so much to me ... from Todd, I couldn't breath." Reaching up, Neil tugged at a bit of hair above his left ear. "Which, rather added to and already confused moment, when I realized I felt more for my roommate than I properly should."
Stopping, Neil brought his hand around and rubbed back and forth across his face, trying to calm a heart that felt like it was racing.
"That night, after my parents went to bed ... you know, I can't even remember what I was thinking, I was just ... frantic and then I was calm. I went down to my father's study. He, um ... kept a .38 in a drawer." Neil swallowed and rubbed again at the side of his head.
"You know, it was snowing. I opened the window, just to listen to the silence for a minute. It was so quiet. I left window open." Pausing, Neil looked up and it was easy to tell that he was no longer in Fandom but back in the night, reliving it. "Father would have been so pissed at that, letting all that cold air in."
There was another long pause and then Neil blinked and refocused his eyes on Andrew.
"I sat down at the desk, made sure the gun was loaded and put it against my temple," Neil suited action to words, using his finger his hand curled much the way it had in class the other day. "I even pulled the trigger, God it was so loud right next to my ear. Father busted through the door just as I did it, startled my reflexes and the bullet went up along my skull, took skin and hair, a little bit of bone. I had a hell of a headache when I woke up in the hospital."
Reply
"Thank you," he whispered.
Reply
"There's ... more," he whispered against the other boy's ear. "After I recovered, I was put through therapy or what can be jokingly referred to a therapy for back then. Basically it was ... brainwashing if you will. My doctor worked it into my mind that I would be happier if I just accepted my father's directions, if I gave up on my silly dreams of being an actor."
Straightening up, Neil sighed and ran his hands lightly along Andrew's back.
"My father compromised and sent me here instead of military school but I knew that if he ever learned what this place was like, he'll yank me out of here in a heartbeat. That's one of the reasons I was gone that week, I keep ... taking trips home to keep them from wanting to come here. Also ... after the pain of losing everyone at Welton, I told myself I wouldn't let anyone in that close again. I couldn't afford to."
Chuckling a fragile, wounded sound, Neil reached up and touched Andrew's cheek lightly ... almost wonderingly.
"Then you came here and got through all my good intentions, all my safety walls. But when the older you, said what he did it felt like that night coming right back to me."
Closing his eyes and shaking his head, Neil touched Andrew one more time and then stepped back and went to sit on the edge of his bed.
"And it's all just been so damn confusing ... ever since."
Reply
Andrew took a deep breath. "I don't know what to say. Every time you bring up this older version of me, I feel so... ashamed. And knowing that I brought you down so low, that, um, that..." He couldn't find the words to convey the overwhelming emotions he had churning inside him at the moment.
Andrew shrugged. "I would do anything for you, Neil."
Reply
Looking up he studied Andrew's face, fighting to reconcile the two and failing.
"What was the worst," he whispered. "Was how much you seemed to hate who you are right now. The very person I care about, I didn't ... know you could hate yourself so much."
Reply
He cringed. "Self-esteem hasn't always been my strong suit, but it's been so much better since I go here and I met you. I don't know what happens between now and twenty years from now, but nothing is set in stone. It can't be."
The last statement might have sounded a bit desperate.
Reply
Lifting his hands he looked like he was going to put them on the other boy's shoulders and then dropped them and he paced, frantically.
"It shouldn't be and that's part of why I didn't want to tell you anything, I didn't want you to accidentally slide into it by trying to stay out of it ... or something like that."
Stopping by the window, Neil reached up and brushed his fingers through his hair.
"I've wanted to be able to make it like I never had that damn conversation with your older self. So that I could just be here for you. But one minute I'm calling myself an idiot for being scared and then next minute I'm thinking about all those emotions you invoke in me and I panic."
Falling back against the wall, Neil looked at Andrew.
"You know, I haven't even told anyone here at school about what happened in my past. I smile, I make casual friends ... Chris is probably the closest friend friend I have and I haven't ever told him about any of this."
Reply
He stepped over in front of Neil. "Please, Neil, don't let us grow apart. I don't want this to be the end of our story. Last night was probably the single worst night of my life because I thought you were rejecting me."
Reply
"I don't want to let us grow apart," he said softly. "But I never was as strong as I liked to believe I was. I'd never reject you. You're wonderful Andrew and I'm just forever in awe that you ... want to even be with me. I'm just, really scared."
Reply
He moved to put his hand on Neil's chest. "Can I stay with you tonight?"
Reply
"I'd really like that, Andrew." He said softly.
Reply
Leave a comment