i am fucked up in the head...

[ifthefiresthere]

there are times when i think that i should have never been born. i have hurt so many people unintentionally that i feel like i am the worst person in the world. all relationships i have end up failing because i push the other person away when they too close. i am afraid to open up to anyone because i have been so hurt by people. i dont want to be like this but this is the way i am. i am sorry for hurting people like i have been hurt...god do i wish i could find one person that i could just open up to. this is so hard for me...i trust so few people that it hurts. i turned my back on a world that turned its back on me...or so i thought. people try to help me, but i tell them i am fine...inside i am breaking up...slowly but surely on my way to a nervous break down. i have found a few people that i have begun to trust. it is hard to let them in...one has already hurt me. it sucks to find that i really one have a handful of people i can actually trust. now, i am finding that it is me that usually fucks up...i am not perfect but i try...but, i run scared from anyone that seriously cares...i wish there was a person out there right now that i could trust and rely on as much as people trust and rely on me...but my actions are not reciprical...i dont trust all of those that trust me...i cannot rely on all of those that rely on me. i need someone that i can just be completely open with and will understand...i have yet to find that person. i am finding one person inparticular, that i am talking to a lot. i am beginning to trust him...but, it is slow and needs time and effort...but i am willing, he is worth it.

if trust were able to you, then i would tell you all my secrets. but i dont not trust you and i only tell you what you want to hear. you think i am perfect. you think i am great. i am broken, broken into pieces like a mirror that has been dropped on a hard floor. a million shiny pieces that fit unevenly when put back together. my mind is a constantly changing puzzle that never fits just right.

i need to find in you what i cannot find in myself, happiness. hard to believe that i am not happy when all i do it smile. but smiles are fake and eyes that shimmer are an illusion of light. true happiness is hard to find, and i fear that i might be the last to find it.