Don't Judge a Book(store) by Its Cover: Parts 21-31 [J2, NC-17]
MASTER POST
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Part 21:
After Tom broke up with him-well, more like denied their two-year relationship even existed-Jensen had a really hard time trusting anyone again. He didn’t even consider dating for a solid year.
Even then, he wasn’t really ready, but Steve started dragging him out to bars and clubs and introducing him to what seemed like every gay man in the Sacramento area. It never really amounted to much. Casual dates, the occasional hook-up, a couple of guys lasted nearly a month, but that was it.
Steve had moved maybe an hour away after graduation, but that was close enough for him to still be meddling in Jensen’s love life or lack thereof. Two years ago, he’d moved to LA and the distance had just been too much for both of them.
Without anyone nagging him, Jensen had mostly stopped trying and thrown himself into work. He was still so afraid of trusting someone else with his heart, it seemed safer not to try.
When Jensen met Justin he thought his luck had finally changed. He was a graduate student who spent a lot of time at Jensen’s branch of C&W, caffeinating and studying.
It took Jensen weeks to even realize Justin was flirting with him. Then another couple of weeks to work up the courage to flirt back. It had been kind of like a fairy tale after that. Jensen had been completely swept off his feet. Justin was funny, sweet, and considerate. He walked right through Jensen’s defenses like they weren’t even there.
For six months, everything had been perfect. Jensen was sure he had found the one. Unfortunately, it turned out that “the one” already had a wife and a baby. When Jensen emerged from his week long drunken haze, he swore off men for good and transferred to LA.
***
“It hadn’t even been a month and then my first day there’s Jared and he’s gorgeous and sweet and flirty.” Jensen pauses and swallows hard. “Just like Justin.”
Steve whistled low. “Damn. Why didn’t you tell me, Jen?”
Jensen shook his head. “I just wanted to forget about it and start over.”
“Listen, Jen, you know the thing with Jared today was a misunderstanding.”
“Yeah, I know.”
“You should talk to him.”
Jensen bit his lip. “I’m not sure that’s a good idea.”
“Why not? Jared isn’t Tom or Justin. He’s a good guy.”
“Yeah, probably, but Steve. I just don’t think I could take it if things fell apart again.”
Steve started to protest, but the almost broken look on Jensen’s face stopped him. He clenched his jaw and nodded. “Okay, Jen. But sleep on it, all right?”
“Yeah, okay.”
Steve drove home feeling bone weary. He was sure that Jared would be good for Jensen, but he didn’t know how to convince Jensen of that. After the luck he’d had with guys, it wasn’t exactly shocking that he was scared.
He walked in to find Chris waiting up for him.
“Hey, is he okay?”
Steve shrugged. “Not really.”
Chris walked over and hugged Steve tight. “We’ll fix it, okay, babe?”
“We can’t fix everything.”
“We can try.”
Part 22:
It was Friday when Jeff finally managed to drag himself back into work. It was the last place he wanted to be, but he had bills to pay and getting fired would be kind of a problem.
“Jeff, hey! You feeling better?” Chris asked when he walked into the department.
“Yeah, absolutely,” he said, though he figured his expression told a different story. He tried to put on a pleasant face. It felt wrong, like his skin was stretched in directions it wasn’t supposed to go.
“You sure, man?”
“Of course.”
Chris looked at him doubtfully, but didn’t push the issue. “Okay. Well I’m gonna grab lunch then.”
“Great, see ya later.”
Jeff set straight to checking on paperwork and seeing what had been done in his absence. So when Mike walked in not two minutes later, he was taken by surprise and jumped about a foot.
“Jesus, don’t do that!”
The Mike he was used to would have cracked a joke at his expense, but today Mike was still uncharacteristically somber. Jeff thought he’d come to terms with it, but the visual confirmation of how much he had been affected by the thing with Tom still cut deep.
“Feeling better, Jeff?”
“Not really,” he bit out before he thought. He immediately wanted to take it back.
Mike winced. “Listen, this isn’t really the best place to talk about this, but you didn’t really give me a lot of choice, so hear me out, okay?”
Jeff glanced uneasily from side to side, keenly aware of the public setting and the fact that he couldn’t just walk off and leave his department unattended. “Um, okay.”
“So, you were right about the other night. I was drunk and upset about Tom. But, uh, I’m not either of those things now. And you and me was-“ he flushed slightly, “really good. Kind of amazing, actually. And we’ve been friends for awhile now. So, if it was just a one-night stand for you, I get it. We never need to talk about it again. But if you maybe wanted it to be more? I definitely do.”
Jeff stared. He couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “Wait, really?”
“Uh, no, I just like publicly humiliating myself.”
“Well, actually you kind of do.”
Mike gave a self-deprecating quirk of a smile. “Oh, yeah. Well, whatever. Yes, really.”
Jeff found his lips on Mike’s without any memory of the between time when he must have moved. Mike was just sinking into the kiss when someone cleared their throat beside them.
They sprang apart to see a middle aged woman staring at them. Jeff coughed. “Oh, can I help you with something?” he asked, feeling a blush bloom across his face. She stared for another couple of seconds, then abruptly turned around and left.
He looked over at Mike and they shared a horrified stare for a moment before the absurdity caught up with them and they burst out laughing. After a minute, they calmed down.
“So, was that a yes?” Mike asked, raising his eyebrows mischievously.
Jeff leaned in and kissed him again, quickly. “Yes.”
“Okay, no more of that!” Mike admonished, his usual sunny demeanor emerging with a vengeance, “We have work to do. Come over tonight?”
Jeff nodded happily. “Yeah, see you then.”
Mike darted in and licked his ear, then ran off, calling, “See ya!”
Jeff laughed softly. He wrapped his arms around himself and leaned back against the counter, not even trying to wipe the smile off his face. He heard a whoop from halfway across the store and looked over to see Mike give Chris a high five. If he weren’t so happy, he would have been upset about his employees meddling in his love life. As it was, though, he’d just pretend to bitch. He had an image to maintain, after all.
Part 23:
“Oh, come on, Steve! It’s been two days. You said you’d tell me what was going on!” Jared was aware that shouting at Steve was probably not the best plan, but he’s just so fucking frustrated.
“No, Jared. I said I’d call you, which I did.”
“Yeah, but all you said was Jensen needed some space. I need some help here. He still won’t pick up the phone.”
“Dude, calling him incessantly is not giving him space.”
“I didn’t! I left him alone all yesterday.”
The sound of Steve’s sigh crackled over the phone. “Look, Jay, you’re a good guy. I think you’d be good for Jen and I want to help you. But he’s not in a real good place right now and it’s really not my business to tell you about it. He needs to do that himself.”
“But he won’t even talk to me!”
There was a long pause. Finally, Steve said, “All right. I’ll get you face to face with him, but the rest is up to you.”
Jared felt as though a weight had been lifted off his chest. “Thank you!”
“Just come over around seven, okay?”
“I’ll be there.”
***
Jensen really had to hand it to Steve. He would have said his best friend didn’t have a sneaky bone in his body. He would have been deeply mistaken.
“Just come over around six-thirty. We’ll hang out. Real low key, all right?” Steve had said to him earlier that day.
So Jensen had agreed to come. And everything had been totally low key as promised for about a half an hour. Then there was a knock on the door and Jared standing behind it.
Jensen’s fight or flight reflex was set firmly on flight, but Steve laid a steadying hand on his arm. And Jared looked like shit. His shaggy mop of hair was going in several different directions and there were dark circles under eyes gone murky with lack of sleep. It hit Jensen like a punch to the gut.
“Please, Jen, just talk to me,” he pleaded.
Jensen just couldn’t kick the puppy. “Yeah, all right.”
Once that was settled, Chris and Steve wasted no time vacating the apartment, insisting they take all the time they needed to talk. After all, there was always something to do in LA. Once the door clicked shut behind them, deafening silence streatched out between Jared and Jensen. Finally, Jared couldn’t take it anymore.
“Kristen’s a lesbian,” he blurted.
Jensen got a look on his face like he might vaguely remember what amusement was. “Yeah, I know.”
Jared looked bewildered. “Well then, what’s the problem? Why won’t you talk to me?”
Jensen slumped forward, leaning his elbows on his thighs. “Listen, Jared, it’s not you, okay?”
“Oh, no,” Jared cut him off, “Do not even say ‘it’s me’ or I can’t be responsible for what I might do. It’s the most overused breakup cliché ever and it’s never true.”
Jensen flapped his hands helplessly. “But it’s true.”
“So you are breaking up with me?”
The words stabbed Jensen right through the heart. “I just-“ he ran a hand through his hair in agitation. “I thought I was over it, but I’m not.”
“Over what exactly? Because I thought we had a pretty good thing going, Jensen. Actually, I know I’m not supposed to say stuff like this, but it was-you were-are-probably the best thing that’s ever happened to me. So if you’re gonna give up on that, then I’d really like to know why?”
Jared’s voice was strained and thin with the effort of holding back the tears filling his eyes and, once again, Jensen couldn’t refuse him. He sighed a long, heavy sigh. And then he told Jared about Tom and Justin. Not all the sordid, Technicolor details. Just the pencil sketch version, really, but it was enough.
When he was done, Jared leaned over and hugged him. He didn’t return the embrace, holding himself very carefully for fear he might shatter. But he didn’t push Jared away either.
“I’ll kill Tom for you,” Jared offered seriously.
“Thanks, but it’s okay.”
“You sure?”
“Yeah, if I’d had homicide on the brain, Steve would have done it for me five years ago.”
Jared nodded. “Fair enough.” He pauses, but Jensen can hear more coming. “Jensen, I’m not those guys. I’m totally comfortable with my orientation. I’ve been out since puberty. And I definitely don’t have a wife hanging around somewhere.”
“It’s not about that, though,” Jensen said miserably.
“Well what’s it about, then?”
“I just-don’t think I could take it if we got closer and things fell apart. Not again.”
Jared looked like he wanted to protest, but he didn’t. Instead he said, “Well, then, I guess I’ll see you at work.” His mouth was set in a grim line.
Jensen wanted to say something to stop him, call him back, but his sense of self-preservation wouldn’t let him. “Yeah, see ya,” he whispered brokenly. He watched Jared walk out the door and wondered how much heartache he’d really saved himself considering how wretched he was feeling right that minute.
He flipped open his cell phone and texted Steve that he could come home. Fifteen minutes later his best friend wrapped his arms around him and Jensen sobbed like his heart was breaking.
Part 24:
Mike was buzzing with nervous energy by the time Jeff knocked on the door.
“Hey!” he said as he threw the door open far too quickly to pretend he’d been doing anything other than pacing in front of it waiting for the knock. Mike wasn’t the kind of person who wasted time trying to be “cool.” He knew he was awesome and he was perfectly comfortable with acting as excited as he was to see his new boyfriend.
Jeff grinned shyly back at him. “Hey.” He walked in and glanced around. “Place looks a little different when it’s not full of drunk people.”
Mike laughed. “Yeah, it does at that. So, uh, have you eaten? Or . . .”
“Yeah, yeah I had dinner earlier.”
There was a moment where they bobbed around awkwardly, unsure of how to get past the small talk. Then Mike said, “Aw, fuck it.” He jumped in and laid a sloppy kiss on Jeff’s lips. Then he pulled back and put his hands on Jeff’s shoulders. “I am really glad you’re here,” he said.
Jeff smiled warmly, something kindling in his eyes. He grabbed Mike’s hips and pulled him back in, kissing him long and slow. He dragged his teeth across Mike’s lower lip and if that didn’t go straight to his cock-“Yeah, me too.”
They left a haphazard trail of clothing behind them on their way to the bedroom like some demented version of Hansel and Gretel. “Gonna be better this time,” Jeff promised as he almost literally threw Mike down on the bed.
Then he fisted Mike’s cock, drawing little whimpering pants from him. “Don’t know if I can survive better,” he gasped.
Jeff laughed low and dirty and proceeded to show him just how much “better” he could survive.
Afterwards, they lay tangled together, flushed and happy, letting their heart rates drop back down to normal. “I’m glad I was sober this time,” Mike said reflectively, dropping a soft kiss at the corner of Jeff’s mouth.
Jeff turned his head slightly to catch Mike’s lips full on and dipped his tongue in to taste. “Yeah, me too,” he said, smiling. And this time they both slept well.
***
Jared wasn’t really sure how he made it home, considering the big gaping wound where his heart used to be, but somehow he found himself at his own door anyway. He pushed it open and stared at its familiarity that suddenly seemed foreign to him. Chad was kicked back on their shabby couch, playing Madden. He looked up when he heard the door open.
“Hey, man,” he greeted, “What’s going-“ He stopped when he got a good look at Jared’s face. He scrambled up off the couch and crossed over to the door. There was a moment where he almost hesitated in straight boy awkwardness, but it didn’t happen. He threw his arms around his best friend, holding on tight and patting his back comfortingly.
Jared’s arms came up and around, hugging him back. Then he dropped and pulled back and Chad let him go. “You wanna talk about it, man?” he asked deferentially.
Jared’s chin quivered and his puppy-dog eyes glassed over. Then he squared his jaw and inhaled sharply, pulling himself together. He shook his head. “No,” he said in a quiet rasp, “I think I’m just gonna go to bed.”
Chad nodded. “All right. If you change your mind,” he trailed off.
“Yeah, thanks, Chad.”
“Anytime, buddy.”
Jared shuffled into his bedroom and shut the door. He didn’t bother to turn the lights on, just threw himself down on the bed, still dressed. He prayed for unconsciousness to swallow him, but apparently God wasn’t listening. He stared into the darkness wide-awake, memories of Jensen chasing around his head. The first time he’d seen him in Channing and Weston, their first date, first kiss, first . . . in this very bed.
Jared growled in frustration and rolled over. A tension headache was building from the pressure of the unshed tears behind his eyes. He gave up and let them fall, soaking into his pillow. When he’d cried until there were no tears left, sleep finally took him.
He woke up with a start the next morning. He had a hell of a headache and the peculiar feeling that his subconscious mind had been working on his problems while he slept. Because there were ideas buzzing around his head that definitely had not been there the night before. He was definitely feeling the effects of sleeping in his clothes, so he showered and got cleaned up. Then he proceeded to call, text, or email everyone he knew.
Part 25:
Jensen really didn’t want to go to work. He didn’t know if Jared was scheduled today, but it was statistically likely. Which meant he’d have to see him and then he’d feel like dying all over again. Yes, he’d turned Jared down, but it still hurt. He constantly told himself it was better to feel this pain now than a lot more pain later, but it wasn’t very convincing.
It really didn’t help when he dragged himself into the break room to drop off his stuff and saw Sandy and Kristen sitting together holding hands and so close they were practically sharing a chair. They were laughing when he came in, clearly in the middle of a conversation.
“Oh, hey, and remember a few months ago when Jared decided to get everybody together to go to the pride parade?” Kristen asked.
“Yeah, and then Eric started freaking out because he didn’t think he had enough straight people to cover all the shifts for that weekend,” Sandy replied.
Just then, Chris came in, skirting around Jensen. “Hey, girls. What’s up?”
Kristen rolled her eyes. “Just talking about when Jared decided we should all show our rainbow colors and go to the pride parade.”
Chris smiled reminiscently. “Yeah, that was awesome. And then when Eric didn’t think he’d be able to cover all the shifts, he offered to stay behind and help out.”
“Yeah. Good thing Eric let him off the hook. I mean, it really would have sucked if he organized the whole thing and didn’t get to go,” Sandy said.
Chris nodded. “Yeah, but that’s Big Jay for ya. Always putting other people first.”
Jensen whirled and walked out. He couldn’t take another second of listening to the list of Jared’s perfections. And, speak of the devil, he was so lost in his own thoughts he ran straight into the man himself.
He recoiled from the solid muscle of Jared’s chest as though he’d been burned. His jaw dropped as he looked him up and down. Jared was wearing black pants cut just this side of too scandalously tight for work, a glaringly pink button-down and-Jensen blinked a couple of times to make sure his eyes weren’t betraying him-a rainbow belt. Jensen coughed self-consciously.
“Oh, hey, Jensen!” Jared greeted brightly, as though they hadn’t just had a traumatic breakup the night before. Jensen looked at him closely, though, and he could see the lines of stress around his eyes and mouth. Well, at least he wasn’t the only one. He felt guilty the second he thought it.
“Hey, Jared,” he said quietly, then walked past without another word.
It took him a few days to notice anything out of the ordinary. People liked Jared and it wasn’t unusual to hear him mentioned in conversation. But now it seemed like everywhere he went everyone was talking about what a great guy Jared was and especially how fantastically gay he was.
Jared himself seemed to be angling for flamboyant bookseller of the year. The rainbow belt was just the beginning of his fabulous new style. Pink, purple, lime green, teal and all tailored well enough to have Jensen biting the insides of his cheeks in frustration.
All things considered, Jensen figured there was some sort of master plan involved. He had the faint hope that if he ignored it, it might go away. Then, about a week into the covert attacks, a phone call came for him at the store. The overhead page identified him by name, so he knew it probably wasn’t work related.
“Hello?”
“Hi, Jensen?”
“Yeah, who’s this?”
“Um, my name’s Megan. Megan Padalecki. I’m Jared’s sister.”
“Uh, and you’re calling me why?”
“Jared asked me to. Look, he must really like you because he’s certainly never asked me to do anything like this before. I have to say, from what he’s told me I don’t really think you deserve him. But the big goof is usually a pretty good judge of character and he thinks you do, so just listen to what I have to say, okay?”
Jensen felt like he’d been sucker punched. “Yeah, okay,” he managed to say.
“Jared came out to our parents when he was fifteen. I remember before he did it, he was terrified and pacing in his bedroom. I was only twelve at the time so I didn’t really understand yet. I said if he was so scared, maybe he just shouldn’t tell. But he just looked at me and said he had to be honest about who he really was. He knew it would upset some people and he was really worried that it would hurt our mom and dad, but he would rather deal with that than live a lie. He didn’t even have a boyfriend at the time. He just wanted them to know. He was scared, but he didn’t let the fear stop him from doing what he knew was right. I haven’t met many teenagers with that kind of integrity, Jensen. I don’t know about you.”
Jensen was at a complete loss. “Uh, wow,” he choked out.
“Yeah. So that’s the kind of person Jared is. What kind of person are you?”
He was saved from having to come up with a response by the faint click indicating Megan had hung up. He listened to the dead line, staring at nothing until the busy signal sounded shrilly in his ears.
Part 26:
Jensen was still reeling from Megan’s call when Chad came up and clapped him jovially on the shoulder. “Hey, buddy!” he greeted.
Jensen looked at him warily. He was kind of terrified of all his coworkers at this point. “Hey.”
“What time do you get off tonight?”
“Umm, nine.”
“Hey, me too! You wanna grab some coffee or something after?”
Jensen gestured over at the café where Chad spent all his time making lattes, raising an eyebrow.
Chad rolled his eyes. “Come on, man. I’m so sick of this place. Let’s go caffeinate somewhere else. Please?”
Jensen knew defeat when he saw it. He knew that whatever this was, it couldn’t be good, but he didn’t have a believable excuse for not going and Chad did pitiful puppy almost as well as Jared. He sighed. “Sure, man.”
“Awesome! Catch you at nine then.”
Jensen was twitchy for the rest of his shift, dreading what was to come. Once they were done, he followed Chad a few blocks down the street to a little hole-in-the-wall coffee shop; definitely not Starbucks affiliated, which suited them both just fine.
“I love this place,” Chad said easily, “One of the last vestiges of non-corporate America.”
Jensen nodded. They got their coffee and settled at a table in a quiet corner. After a couple of minutes of companionably sipping their drinks, Jensen broke the silence.
“Look, man, I know you didn’t just want to grab a cup of coffee with the guy who broke up with your best friend a week ago, so whatever it is, let’s just get on with it, okay?”
“Aww, man!” Chad clapped a hand over his eyes in embarrassment. “And I thought I was being all subtle.”
Jensen couldn’t help but laugh a little. “Points for effort, but on top of the storewide obsession with Jared’s virtues and the phone call from his sister this afternoon, it wasn’t that hard to figure out.”
“Yeah, okay, I surrender. Jared totally put me up to this. But I probably woulda done it anyway.”
“It’s okay.”
“Look, Jared’s my best friend. Ever since we met he has always been there for me. And believe me, I’ve done some stupid shit. A couple of times no one would have blamed him if he just left me to clean up my own mess, but he never did. Once Jared is in your life, he’s there for good. I’ve never seen him give up on anybody. And on the rare occasions when he’s messed up, he’s gone nearly crazy trying to make it right. You couldn’t pick a better person to trust. It kills me to see him hurting, so please, give him another chance?”
The walls closed in around Jensen and he was suddenly itchy and desperate to be anywhere that wasn’t here. “Umm, look I’ll think about it, but I’ve got to go,” he said distractedly, pushing his chair out and standing up.
Chad looked at him with a bewildered expression. “You all right?”
“Yeah, yeah, just-I’ll see ya.”
“Umm, okay.”
Jensen bolted. He took a few moments just outside the coffee shop to catch his breath and calm the sourceless panic that had taken up residence in his chest. Then he walked to his car, only to find Jared leaning against it.
He looked like himself again, dressed in worn denim and a faded pink t-shirt, his hands in his pockets and his shoulders hunched forward like he was trying to hide.
“Hey,” he said.
“Hey,” Jensen returned warily.
“Um, can I talk to you?”
“Well, everyone else has. I guess it’s your turn.” There was a bit of a sting to his words and Jensen regretted it as he heard himself. “Sorry, uncalled for.”
Jared shook his head. “No, you’re right. It was stupid. I just thought they could be like,” he paused, searching, “Character witnesses or something. I swear, I didn’t ask them to lie.”
Jensen nodded. “Yeah, I know. You wouldn’t do that.”
Jared’s voice took on a pleading tone. “I just wanted you to know you’re safe with me. I mean, I can’t see the future. I can’t promise that everything’s going to work out. No one can do that, Jensen. But I do know that I really want to be with you and if you’d give me a chance I would do everything in my power to keep from hurting you. Please?”
Jensen moved toward Jared involuntarily. He wanted so badly to believe it, but he kept seeing all the people he’d thought he could trust who had betrayed him in the past running through his head like some awful home movie. The fear was so thick in his throat it was nearly choking him. “Jared, I can’t! I want to believe you, but I just-God, I can’t.”
The light in Jared’s eyes went out abruptly. He nodded jerkily. “All right. Okay. I’ve done everything I can think of. If it’s not enough, then it’s not. But you should ask yourself. What’s going to be enough? What will convince you to trust somebody? Or are you just going to hide forever?” Jared took a few steps away. “Goodbye, Jensen,” he nearly whispered.
Jensen’s vision went blurry as he watched Jared walk away again.
Part 27:
Jensen found himself at Steve and Chris’ apartment without any real memory of driving there. He pounded on the door frantically, not letting up until it was yanked open. He stared uncomprehendingly at Chris for a moment before asking, “Where’s Steve?”
“Out at Blockbuster. You all right? You don’t look so good.”
“Yeah, yeah, fine.”
“Sure you are. Come on in and sit down. You look like you’re about to fall over.”
Jensen opened his mouth to protest, then closed it. “Yeah, okay.” He sat down on the very edge of the couch, tension running through every inch of him.
“You want a beer?”
“Sure.”
Chris grabbed two bottles from the fridge. He handed one to Jensen as he settled beside him on the couch. Jensen took a sip, savoring the bitter taste. A tiny fraction of the tension left his muscles so he no longer felt so much like a piano wire stretched to the breaking point.
“You want to talk about it?”
Jensen looked at him, sure he looked as much like a deer in the headlights as he felt.
Chris sighed. “Steve’ll be back in a few minutes. I just thought maybe a less familiar ear might help.”
Jensen thought about it. “Yeah, maybe. Umm, how much has Steve told you about me?”
Chris grinned. “Well, plenty. You’re his best friend. To hear him tell it you walk on water, by the way.”
Jensen flushed a little and grabbed the momentary distraction. “Well, if I walk on water you must have the full on halo and wings thing going on the way he can’t stop talking about you.”
Chris’ lips twisted as he tried to suppress his pleased grin. “Thanks. I guess that’s not what you meant, though.”
“No. I mean, me and guys.”
“Well, he mentioned you had a bad break-up in college, but he didn’t go into specifics. He wouldn’t.”
Jensen nodded. “Yeah, I figured. Well, let’s just say I have an unfortunate habit of dating guys who decide they’re straight later on.”
Chris whistled low. “Man, that’s rough.”
“Yeah. So I’m- a bit gun shy. More than a bit.”
“Fair enough. So what’s got you practically hyperventilating on my doorstep then?”
“Umm, Jared.”
“The gentle giant? Really?”
“It’s just, he’s so perfect and I can’t-I can’t do it again. I can’t put my heart into something and watch it fall apart. It just-hurts too much.” Jensen’s throat closed up, tears threatening again. He started at Chris’ hand squeezing his shoulder.
“Can I say something?”
Jensen nodded miserably.
“You’re scared. That’s all right. Sounds like you’ve had a real shitty time of it so far. But, Jensen. From the way you’re talking it’s pretty clear your heart’s already gone. Now you can break it off and have nothing more to do with Jared, but you can’t call your heart back when it’s already given, whether you meant to do it or not. So you might as well enjoy the good parts instead of being so worried about what might happen you just break your heart all by yourself. And hey, sometimes it doesn’t end bad, you know?”
Jensen stared at him. His stomach dropped and his eyes widened.
“Oh, God, I’m an idiot, aren’t I?” he said with growing horror.
Chris grinned warmly. “Nah, just needed some fresh perspective.”
Steve came in to find Jensen tackle-hugging Chris. “Hey, now. No groping my boyfriend!”
Jensen pulled back. “Just a hug between friends,” he said, “God, I have to go and-“ He stood up and took a couple of steps towards the door. “Oh shit, I can’t just-after everything he did I can’t just go tell him ‘oops, I was wrong!’ He put up with so much of my crap.” He turned back to Steve. “You have to help me!” he said, desperation written all over his face.
Steve blinked. “Well, if someone would tell me what’s going on, I’d be happy to.”
Chris laughed and slung and arm around him. “Don’t worry, baby. We’ll fill you in.” He turned to look at Jensen. “And then we’ll get to work on a plan, okay?”
Jensen nodded. “Yeah, thank you.”
Chris jumped up to grab a third beer for Steve and then they got down to business.
Part 28:
Jared slogged through most of his shift on miserable, irritable autopilot. He was barely civil with customers and re-shelved books with considerably more force than necessary. He was relieved when his lunch break rolled around. He yanked off his name tag and barely resisted sprinting for the break room.
He had been sitting down for maybe five minutes, lost in his own, gloomy thoughts, when he heard Kristen page over the PA system. “Jared to the Information Desk, please,” she said and it sounded like she was holding back laughter. He scowled and grabbed the phone, dialing the extension for the info desk.
“Can’t it wait, Kristen? I’m on lunch.”
She totally failed to restrain her giggles this time. “Oh, I think you’ll want to see this,” she said.
“Fine. On my way.”
He made his way back out to the floor with brisk, agitated steps, not really paying attention to his surroundings until he drew up short a few feet from the desk. He blinked a few times to make sure his eyes weren’t deceiving him. Jensen was standing there, a guitar slung over his shoulder. He bit his lip and looked uncertainly at Jared.
Jared started to turn around, intending to retreat the way he came. He found Chris and Steve behind him, keeping him from bolting. “Let me go,” he hissed.
Steve met his eyes steadily. “Just hear him out. Please. If you feel the same then, you can go, okay?”
Jared weighed his options. Chris and Steve were kind of short. He could get past them. It would mean a brawl in the middle of the store, though, and that would probably get him fired. He glared at both of them in turn. “Fine.” He turned back to Jensen. “I’m listening.”
Jensen nodded and drew in a shaky breath. He didn’t speak, though. Instead he started to play. He strummed quietly through a chord pattern and then he opened his mouth and sang.
I don’t get many things right the first time
In fact, I am told that a lot.
Now I know all the wrong turns and stumbles and falls brought me here.
And where was I before the day that I first saw your lovely face?
Now I see it every day.
And I know that I am, I am, I am the luckiest.
His voice was clear and pure, but breathy with nerves. His fingers fumbled a couple of times on the frets. He glanced down a few times, but mostly he held Jared’s eyes.
I love you more than I have ever found a way to say to you.
Jared tried to remain unmoved. He reminded himself of all the bullshit Jensen had put him through. But hearing him pouring his heart out now, in front of everyone, he couldn’t hold onto his anger.
I’m sorry. I know that’s a strange way to tell you that I know we belong.
That I know that I am, I am, I am the luckiest.
As the last note faded away, Jared realized tears were pouring down his face. Jensen pulled the guitar strap over his head and handed the instrument to Mike, who was the closest observer. He took a tentative step forward.
“God, Jensen,” Jared said, feeling like the words were ripped out of him, “You can’t just-after everything-and then you come here and you sing. It doesn’t just make all that go away.”
Jensen swallowed hard, but kept walking towards Jared until they were more inches apart. Jared whole body was thrumming with the desire to either run away or close the last of the distance between them.
“I know,” Jensen said, his voice rough with emotion, “I know I have a lot to make up for, but I swear if you will just give me another chance I will do everything in my power not to fuck it up.” And now he was crying too. “I am so, so sorry for everything I’ve put you through. If you forgive me, I really will be the luckiest man on earth.”
Jared made a small, involuntary sound in his throat and then he was kissing Jensen. It was hard and desperate and tasted salty with their mingled tears. He pulls back, resting his forehead on Jensen’s.
“Yeah, okay,” he said with a watery smile, “Just don’t break my heart again, all right?”
Jensen pulled back a little more and met Jared’s eyes, squaring his shoulders with the air of a man making an important vow. “I promise.”
Cheers erupted from the peanut gallery. They both started and looked around at their friends. They had forgotten that anyone in the world existed outside of them. Jared grinned wide and Jensen blushed up to the roots of his hair. Jared pulled him into a tight hug. Over his shoulder he saw Mike kissing Jeff exuberantly. Finally, he thought, glad that he wasn't the only happy one.
“Did you mean it?” he whispered in Jensen’s ear.
Jensen looked at him. “Mean what?”
“In the song, you said you loved me. Did you mean it?”
Jensen stilled, the nodded solemnly. “Yeah, I did.”
Jared smiled, warmth blossoming in his chest. “I love you too.”
Part 29:
Jensen paced his living room, waiting for Jared to arrive. The hours since their very public reunion seemed interminable. He had cleaned his apartment from top to bottom, paying special attention. He’d made sure his refrigerator contained something other than beer and ketchup in case Jared got hungry. He’d checked his email twelve times. Now there was nothing to do but wait.
He made himself sit down and picked up a book and tried to read, but he couldn’t even focus long enough to read a whole page. He tossed it aside in frustration. Jared’s shift ended at five. At five o’clock and thirty seconds Jensen started panicking that Jared had changed his mind and decided he couldn’t forgive him after all and he wasn’t coming. He reminded himself to breathe and to remember that it would take Jared at least half an hour to get here in rush hour traffic.
At 5:29 there was a knock on Jensen’s door. He made himself take a breath before opening the door. And there was Jared in all his ridiculously tall, floppy-haired glory.
Jensen felt the grin split his face. “You came,” he said.
Jared grinned back at him. “Of course I came. You didn’t think I’d change my mind did you?”
Jensen shrugged. “Not really. I worried.”
Jared took a few steps forward, backing Jensen into the room and shutting the door behind them. “You shouldn’t have.”
“Tough habit to break.”
Jared looked at him like he was the most amazing thing ever. “I love you,” he said.
“I love you too,” Jensen said, his cheeks pinking a bit.
They stared at each other for a few moments. The space between them practically hummed. It wasn’t clear who moved first, but suddenly there was no more distance between them.
The kiss was deep and needy, but not too fast. It was like they were competing to see who could climb inside the other. Jared got Jensen back against the nearest wall, pressing every inch of them together.
Jensen propelled Jared a little ways into the room, following with his mouth. “Bedroom,” he managed to gasp out between kisses.
Jared nodded and Jensen dragged him in the correct direction. It took them longer than it should have to get rid of their clothes. They kept touching and kissing, like it was some kind of compulsion. Finally, though, there was nothing between them but air. Then there wasn’t even that.
They tumbled onto the bed and Jared ended up on top. They kissed some more, and Jensen couldn’t get enough. He let his hands wander over Jared’s back, stomach, hips, the curve of his ass. Finally he moved in the direction of his cock, grasping it firmly yet gently, loving the feel of the silky hot skin.
Jared hissed in pleasure. “God, Jen, so good.”
Jensen tangled his other hand in Jared’s hair and pulled him down to whisper in his ear, “I want you to fuck me.”
Jared moaned low in his throat. “Yeah, Jen.” He cleared his throat. “Yes.”
Jared prepped him slow and careful, with a look of intense concentration. Every so often, his fingers sparked against Jensen’s prostate, making Jensen arch and yelp in pleasure.
“That’s good, Jay. I’m ready.”
Jared nodded. He pulled his fingers out and pushed Jensen’s knees up and apart. Jensen felt Jared’s cock pressing against his opening, then sliding in. Jared was bigger than he was used to and it took some adjusting. Jared slid in inch by inch until he was all the way in.
Jensen wrapped his legs around Jared’s back and his arms around his shoulders. Then they started to move. It was slow at first, testing. Jensen loved the feeling of fullness and the delicious friction as Jared moved in and out of him.
Soon they picked up the pace, a frantic pressure building between them. Jared reached a hand between them and grasped Jensen’s cock. He was too far gone to get a good rhythm going, but it didn’t much matter. Jensen was so overwhelmed with sensation that the friction had him coming in moments. Jared cried out and threw his head back, following Jensen over the edge.
They lay front to front, recovering. Jensen hugged Jared to him, kissing his hair. “I love you so much it hurts, Jay.”
Jared tilted his head and kissed Jensen sweetly. “I love you more.”
Jensen pulled back and spotted the gleam of mischief in Jared’s eyes. “Oh, yeah?”
“I wore a rainbow belt for you.”
“Well I sang in public for you.”
“You should really do that professionally, you know. You’re amazing.”
“Okay, now you’re starting to sound like Steve. I don’t do well in front of crowds.”
“Well, maybe I can find a way to convince you.”
“Like what?”
Jared quickly slid down Jensen’s body and licked a stripe across his hipbones. “Lemme show you,” he said, grinning wickedly.
Jensen shuddered, feeling his spent cock twitching to life again. “Yeah,” he said breathlessly, “I’m all right with that.”
Part 30:
Unlike most of Mike’s parties, this wasn’t an open invitation free for all. Because Mike was a nice person, he had warned the invitees not to say anything in the store on pain of death. He didn’t want anyone else feeling left out. All the same, this wasn’t an everyone kind of gathering. It was much quieter, for one thing. Sure, there was drinking, but significantly less raucous drunkenness.
It was a close friends only celebration of Mike’s five year anniversary with Channing and Weston. “Long live corporate America!” he cheered, raising his beer bottle.
The group laughed and drank with him. Jeff leaned easily against his side. He was grinning easily, an expression that everyone was getting used to seeing on his face. Chris and Steve had both taken Mike aside to thank him for the much improved work environment.
Speaking of Chris and Steve they were on the couch, taking up much less room than they would if they weren’t surgically attached. “So,” Steve said, “Chris and I have been writing some songs.”
A low buzz of surprise made its way around the circle.
“And-“ Steve raised his voice and waited for quiet, “And we just booked our first gig at this little club. You should all come.”
Congratulations and hugging met this announcement. After Jared had offered his standard lung-crushing bear hugs, he tossed in, faux-casually, “You know, you all should let Jen play some with you.”
Jensen made wide eyes of horror and shook his head frantically.
Steve chuckled. “Oh, we’d love to if he could get over that stage fright thing. Come on, Jen! What do you say?”
Jensen opened his mouth, but Jared beat him to it. “Remember our talk?”
Jensen shot him a look that was dirty in more than one sense. Then he turned back to Steve. “I’ll think about it. As long as we practice a lot first.”
Steve grinned. “Awesome!”
With the pressure off for the time being, Jensen settled back against Jared, sighing contentedly.
“Hey, where’d Chad and Sophia go?” Kristen asked. Sandy was draped around her like she had no intention of disentangling herself anytime soon.
Mike threw his head back and yelled, “Chad! Sophia! Where are you?”
A crash sounded from the patio, followed by muffled cursing and laughter.
“Out here!” Sophia called.
“What are you doing? Making out?” Mike said.
A long pause that somehow managed to be awkward even through the wall answered that question.
“Oh, my God! You are!” Kristen exclaimed delightedly.
Chad and Sophia reluctantly reentered the living room, looking embarrassed, but pleased.
“Umm, we’ll see you guys later, okay?” Sophia said, blushing.
Whistling and catcalls followed them out the door.
“Well, who would have thought it,” Jensen said, sounding a bit stunned.
“Oh, I knew they had crushes on each other for pretty much ever,” Sandy said.
Mike laughed. “She’s small, but she’s fierce!” He looked around and groaned. “Oh no, guys. We’re losing them.”
Everyone looked where Mike was looking and saw that Jared and Jensen had started kissing.
“It’s like some kind of symbiotic parasite thing,” Kristen said.
“Oh, get a room,” Chris teased.
Jensen pulled away from Jared and grinned. “You know, that’s the best idea I’ve heard all night.” He stood up and pulled Jared off the couch after him. “Catch you guys later!”
Jared laughed and followed as Jensen dragged him towards the door. “Thanks for having us over, Mike,” he called over his shoulder.
“Don’t mention it, lovebirds.” Mike called back.
“Well,” Steve said, resting his hands behind his head contentedly, “It looks like everything is finally working itself out.”
“Oh, don’t worry,” Chris said, “I’m sure by tomorrow there’ll be some new drama for you to fix.”
Steve rolled his eyes. “Sad, but true,” he replied, “I swear it’s gotta be something in the bookstore air.”
Part 31:
One Year Later . . .
Steve was a bit distracted on his way back from lunch. He was running through possible set lists in his head. Lately he and Chris had been getting a lot of good press in the local club scene. It was getting to the point where they were both thinking of dropping hours at C&W, or maybe quitting entirely. They’d managed to get Jensen up on stage with them only a handful of times, with Jared’s help. Tonight he was joining them again. Steve hoped this time maybe he’d agree to sing lead on a song or two.
He was pulled abruptly out of his musings when he spotted the tall, blond guy at the information desk. He had a tiny carbon copy of himself, maybe three years old, balanced on his hip. He was looking around searchingly. Steve scanned the floor, but it seemed that everyone was otherwise occupied. He sighed and fished his nametag out of his pocket.
“Hi, can I help you with something?” he asked with false brightness.
The guy turned towards him with a disarming expression. “Yeah, actually I was looking for Jensen. Jensen Ackles?” He peered at Steve like he was trying to remember something, then his eyes lit up. “You’re Steve, aren’t you?”
Steve stared at him in consternation. “Umm, yeah. And you are?”
“Oh, sorry! Justin Hartley. Nice to finally meet you.” He transferred the moppet to his other hip and held out his hand.
Steve raised his eyebrows and made no move to shake the offered hand. “I think maybe you’d better take your literary needs elsewhere,” he said with dangerous casualness.
Justin looked at Steve with confusion that was starting to cloud into anger. Then his eyes shifted to some point over Steve’s shoulder and a smile broke a cross his face. “Jensen!” he called, “Hey, Jenny!”
Steve whirled around and saw Jensen, frozen in place and suddenly pale with wide eyes. Justin brushed past him, taking long strides towards Jensen. When he got close, Jensen took a couple of steps back.
“Justin,” he said faintly, “What are you doing here?”
“Heard you were working here, man. Came to see you.” His pleasant tone sounded a little strained now.
Steve tried to step between them.
“Listen, could we have a minute?” Justin asked, “Alone?”
Steve looked at Jensen, perfectly willing to force the issue, but Jensen shook his head.
“It’s okay. I’ll talk to him.”
Steve backed off, shooting a last warning glance at Justin.
***
Jensen just stared. It was like seeing a ghost. A ghost with a toddler. “What are you really doing here, Justin?”
“Like I said, I-we-came to visit you. This is Quinn, by the way.”
Jensen only spared a brief glance for the kid, adorable though he was. “It’s a long way from Sacramento to LA.”
Justin looked pained, glancing from side to side and shifting his weight. “Well, umm, Lindsay kind of left us. Left me. She’s got joint custody of Quinn.”
“Why?”
Justin studied the floor. “She found out about you,” he said, almost too low to be heard.
Jensen felt a hot stab of vindication. Then he felt ashamed for enjoying someone else’s pain, even Justin’s. After all, that sweet little boy was going to grow up in a broken home now. Still, Lindsay wasn’t stuck in a lie of a marriage anymore, so the good and evil probably balanced out in the long run.
“That still doesn’t explain what you’re doing here.”
Justin bit his lip. “Well, after the divorce, I kind of wanted a fresh start. I’m ready to be honest about who I am now. Jensen, I’m sorry I was such a dick to you before. I was just too scared to come out and I didn’t handle it well. But I guess the truth will out. So to speak. Anyway, I know I have no right to ask this, but I was hoping you’d consider taking me back.”
“That’s not gonna happen.”
They both turned sharply towards the new voice. Jensen let out the breath he hadn’t realized he was holding when he saw Jared standing there. He was even taller than Justin and definitely broader. His arms were crossed over his chest and his expression was forbidding.
Justin apparently wasn’t quite ready to admit defeat, though. He jutted his chin forward. “And who are you?”
Jared stepped forward and wrapped his arms possessively around Jensen’s waist. Jensen leaned back against him, perfectly willing to complete the image. “I’m Jensen’s boyfriend, Jared, and you’re lucky you’re holding a kid. Now go on and take your too little, too late on out of here, all right?”
Justin huffed and spluttered, but there wasn’t a whole lot he could say to that. It was the first time Jensen had ever really seen his mask crack. “Yeah, fine, whatever,” he said. Then he turned and stalked out of the store, frustration written in every line of his body.
Jensen relaxed even further against Jared’s chest. “Steve?” he asked.
Jared chuckled. “Yeah, he let me know what was going on. Are you okay?”
Jensen turned himself around and placed his hands on Jared’s shoulders. “Yes, thanks to you. Have I told you today that I love you?”
Jared grinned. “I think you might have mentioned it, but I don’t mind hearing it again.”
“I love you.”
“I love you more.”
Jensen groaned and buried his face in Jared’s neck. “Oh, come on! Not this argument again.”
“All right, all right. Let’s call it a draw, okay?”
Jensen nodded. “Agreed.” He leaned up and placed a quick kiss on Jared’s lips. “Now I think we both have to get back to work.”
Jared sighed over-dramatically. “Too true. Such is the plight of the over-educated, under-paid corporate bookstore employee.”
“You know you love it,” Jensen said.
“How could I not? I found you here, didn’t I?”
Jensen really has to agree. What could he have against a place that gave him Jared? He smiled to himself and he got on with his work, looking forward to going home with his boyfriend later.
PREVIOUS
Part 21:
After Tom broke up with him-well, more like denied their two-year relationship even existed-Jensen had a really hard time trusting anyone again. He didn’t even consider dating for a solid year.
Even then, he wasn’t really ready, but Steve started dragging him out to bars and clubs and introducing him to what seemed like every gay man in the Sacramento area. It never really amounted to much. Casual dates, the occasional hook-up, a couple of guys lasted nearly a month, but that was it.
Steve had moved maybe an hour away after graduation, but that was close enough for him to still be meddling in Jensen’s love life or lack thereof. Two years ago, he’d moved to LA and the distance had just been too much for both of them.
Without anyone nagging him, Jensen had mostly stopped trying and thrown himself into work. He was still so afraid of trusting someone else with his heart, it seemed safer not to try.
When Jensen met Justin he thought his luck had finally changed. He was a graduate student who spent a lot of time at Jensen’s branch of C&W, caffeinating and studying.
It took Jensen weeks to even realize Justin was flirting with him. Then another couple of weeks to work up the courage to flirt back. It had been kind of like a fairy tale after that. Jensen had been completely swept off his feet. Justin was funny, sweet, and considerate. He walked right through Jensen’s defenses like they weren’t even there.
For six months, everything had been perfect. Jensen was sure he had found the one. Unfortunately, it turned out that “the one” already had a wife and a baby. When Jensen emerged from his week long drunken haze, he swore off men for good and transferred to LA.
***
“It hadn’t even been a month and then my first day there’s Jared and he’s gorgeous and sweet and flirty.” Jensen pauses and swallows hard. “Just like Justin.”
Steve whistled low. “Damn. Why didn’t you tell me, Jen?”
Jensen shook his head. “I just wanted to forget about it and start over.”
“Listen, Jen, you know the thing with Jared today was a misunderstanding.”
“Yeah, I know.”
“You should talk to him.”
Jensen bit his lip. “I’m not sure that’s a good idea.”
“Why not? Jared isn’t Tom or Justin. He’s a good guy.”
“Yeah, probably, but Steve. I just don’t think I could take it if things fell apart again.”
Steve started to protest, but the almost broken look on Jensen’s face stopped him. He clenched his jaw and nodded. “Okay, Jen. But sleep on it, all right?”
“Yeah, okay.”
Steve drove home feeling bone weary. He was sure that Jared would be good for Jensen, but he didn’t know how to convince Jensen of that. After the luck he’d had with guys, it wasn’t exactly shocking that he was scared.
He walked in to find Chris waiting up for him.
“Hey, is he okay?”
Steve shrugged. “Not really.”
Chris walked over and hugged Steve tight. “We’ll fix it, okay, babe?”
“We can’t fix everything.”
“We can try.”
Part 22:
It was Friday when Jeff finally managed to drag himself back into work. It was the last place he wanted to be, but he had bills to pay and getting fired would be kind of a problem.
“Jeff, hey! You feeling better?” Chris asked when he walked into the department.
“Yeah, absolutely,” he said, though he figured his expression told a different story. He tried to put on a pleasant face. It felt wrong, like his skin was stretched in directions it wasn’t supposed to go.
“You sure, man?”
“Of course.”
Chris looked at him doubtfully, but didn’t push the issue. “Okay. Well I’m gonna grab lunch then.”
“Great, see ya later.”
Jeff set straight to checking on paperwork and seeing what had been done in his absence. So when Mike walked in not two minutes later, he was taken by surprise and jumped about a foot.
“Jesus, don’t do that!”
The Mike he was used to would have cracked a joke at his expense, but today Mike was still uncharacteristically somber. Jeff thought he’d come to terms with it, but the visual confirmation of how much he had been affected by the thing with Tom still cut deep.
“Feeling better, Jeff?”
“Not really,” he bit out before he thought. He immediately wanted to take it back.
Mike winced. “Listen, this isn’t really the best place to talk about this, but you didn’t really give me a lot of choice, so hear me out, okay?”
Jeff glanced uneasily from side to side, keenly aware of the public setting and the fact that he couldn’t just walk off and leave his department unattended. “Um, okay.”
“So, you were right about the other night. I was drunk and upset about Tom. But, uh, I’m not either of those things now. And you and me was-“ he flushed slightly, “really good. Kind of amazing, actually. And we’ve been friends for awhile now. So, if it was just a one-night stand for you, I get it. We never need to talk about it again. But if you maybe wanted it to be more? I definitely do.”
Jeff stared. He couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “Wait, really?”
“Uh, no, I just like publicly humiliating myself.”
“Well, actually you kind of do.”
Mike gave a self-deprecating quirk of a smile. “Oh, yeah. Well, whatever. Yes, really.”
Jeff found his lips on Mike’s without any memory of the between time when he must have moved. Mike was just sinking into the kiss when someone cleared their throat beside them.
They sprang apart to see a middle aged woman staring at them. Jeff coughed. “Oh, can I help you with something?” he asked, feeling a blush bloom across his face. She stared for another couple of seconds, then abruptly turned around and left.
He looked over at Mike and they shared a horrified stare for a moment before the absurdity caught up with them and they burst out laughing. After a minute, they calmed down.
“So, was that a yes?” Mike asked, raising his eyebrows mischievously.
Jeff leaned in and kissed him again, quickly. “Yes.”
“Okay, no more of that!” Mike admonished, his usual sunny demeanor emerging with a vengeance, “We have work to do. Come over tonight?”
Jeff nodded happily. “Yeah, see you then.”
Mike darted in and licked his ear, then ran off, calling, “See ya!”
Jeff laughed softly. He wrapped his arms around himself and leaned back against the counter, not even trying to wipe the smile off his face. He heard a whoop from halfway across the store and looked over to see Mike give Chris a high five. If he weren’t so happy, he would have been upset about his employees meddling in his love life. As it was, though, he’d just pretend to bitch. He had an image to maintain, after all.
Part 23:
“Oh, come on, Steve! It’s been two days. You said you’d tell me what was going on!” Jared was aware that shouting at Steve was probably not the best plan, but he’s just so fucking frustrated.
“No, Jared. I said I’d call you, which I did.”
“Yeah, but all you said was Jensen needed some space. I need some help here. He still won’t pick up the phone.”
“Dude, calling him incessantly is not giving him space.”
“I didn’t! I left him alone all yesterday.”
The sound of Steve’s sigh crackled over the phone. “Look, Jay, you’re a good guy. I think you’d be good for Jen and I want to help you. But he’s not in a real good place right now and it’s really not my business to tell you about it. He needs to do that himself.”
“But he won’t even talk to me!”
There was a long pause. Finally, Steve said, “All right. I’ll get you face to face with him, but the rest is up to you.”
Jared felt as though a weight had been lifted off his chest. “Thank you!”
“Just come over around seven, okay?”
“I’ll be there.”
***
Jensen really had to hand it to Steve. He would have said his best friend didn’t have a sneaky bone in his body. He would have been deeply mistaken.
“Just come over around six-thirty. We’ll hang out. Real low key, all right?” Steve had said to him earlier that day.
So Jensen had agreed to come. And everything had been totally low key as promised for about a half an hour. Then there was a knock on the door and Jared standing behind it.
Jensen’s fight or flight reflex was set firmly on flight, but Steve laid a steadying hand on his arm. And Jared looked like shit. His shaggy mop of hair was going in several different directions and there were dark circles under eyes gone murky with lack of sleep. It hit Jensen like a punch to the gut.
“Please, Jen, just talk to me,” he pleaded.
Jensen just couldn’t kick the puppy. “Yeah, all right.”
Once that was settled, Chris and Steve wasted no time vacating the apartment, insisting they take all the time they needed to talk. After all, there was always something to do in LA. Once the door clicked shut behind them, deafening silence streatched out between Jared and Jensen. Finally, Jared couldn’t take it anymore.
“Kristen’s a lesbian,” he blurted.
Jensen got a look on his face like he might vaguely remember what amusement was. “Yeah, I know.”
Jared looked bewildered. “Well then, what’s the problem? Why won’t you talk to me?”
Jensen slumped forward, leaning his elbows on his thighs. “Listen, Jared, it’s not you, okay?”
“Oh, no,” Jared cut him off, “Do not even say ‘it’s me’ or I can’t be responsible for what I might do. It’s the most overused breakup cliché ever and it’s never true.”
Jensen flapped his hands helplessly. “But it’s true.”
“So you are breaking up with me?”
The words stabbed Jensen right through the heart. “I just-“ he ran a hand through his hair in agitation. “I thought I was over it, but I’m not.”
“Over what exactly? Because I thought we had a pretty good thing going, Jensen. Actually, I know I’m not supposed to say stuff like this, but it was-you were-are-probably the best thing that’s ever happened to me. So if you’re gonna give up on that, then I’d really like to know why?”
Jared’s voice was strained and thin with the effort of holding back the tears filling his eyes and, once again, Jensen couldn’t refuse him. He sighed a long, heavy sigh. And then he told Jared about Tom and Justin. Not all the sordid, Technicolor details. Just the pencil sketch version, really, but it was enough.
When he was done, Jared leaned over and hugged him. He didn’t return the embrace, holding himself very carefully for fear he might shatter. But he didn’t push Jared away either.
“I’ll kill Tom for you,” Jared offered seriously.
“Thanks, but it’s okay.”
“You sure?”
“Yeah, if I’d had homicide on the brain, Steve would have done it for me five years ago.”
Jared nodded. “Fair enough.” He pauses, but Jensen can hear more coming. “Jensen, I’m not those guys. I’m totally comfortable with my orientation. I’ve been out since puberty. And I definitely don’t have a wife hanging around somewhere.”
“It’s not about that, though,” Jensen said miserably.
“Well what’s it about, then?”
“I just-don’t think I could take it if we got closer and things fell apart. Not again.”
Jared looked like he wanted to protest, but he didn’t. Instead he said, “Well, then, I guess I’ll see you at work.” His mouth was set in a grim line.
Jensen wanted to say something to stop him, call him back, but his sense of self-preservation wouldn’t let him. “Yeah, see ya,” he whispered brokenly. He watched Jared walk out the door and wondered how much heartache he’d really saved himself considering how wretched he was feeling right that minute.
He flipped open his cell phone and texted Steve that he could come home. Fifteen minutes later his best friend wrapped his arms around him and Jensen sobbed like his heart was breaking.
Part 24:
Mike was buzzing with nervous energy by the time Jeff knocked on the door.
“Hey!” he said as he threw the door open far too quickly to pretend he’d been doing anything other than pacing in front of it waiting for the knock. Mike wasn’t the kind of person who wasted time trying to be “cool.” He knew he was awesome and he was perfectly comfortable with acting as excited as he was to see his new boyfriend.
Jeff grinned shyly back at him. “Hey.” He walked in and glanced around. “Place looks a little different when it’s not full of drunk people.”
Mike laughed. “Yeah, it does at that. So, uh, have you eaten? Or . . .”
“Yeah, yeah I had dinner earlier.”
There was a moment where they bobbed around awkwardly, unsure of how to get past the small talk. Then Mike said, “Aw, fuck it.” He jumped in and laid a sloppy kiss on Jeff’s lips. Then he pulled back and put his hands on Jeff’s shoulders. “I am really glad you’re here,” he said.
Jeff smiled warmly, something kindling in his eyes. He grabbed Mike’s hips and pulled him back in, kissing him long and slow. He dragged his teeth across Mike’s lower lip and if that didn’t go straight to his cock-“Yeah, me too.”
They left a haphazard trail of clothing behind them on their way to the bedroom like some demented version of Hansel and Gretel. “Gonna be better this time,” Jeff promised as he almost literally threw Mike down on the bed.
Then he fisted Mike’s cock, drawing little whimpering pants from him. “Don’t know if I can survive better,” he gasped.
Jeff laughed low and dirty and proceeded to show him just how much “better” he could survive.
Afterwards, they lay tangled together, flushed and happy, letting their heart rates drop back down to normal. “I’m glad I was sober this time,” Mike said reflectively, dropping a soft kiss at the corner of Jeff’s mouth.
Jeff turned his head slightly to catch Mike’s lips full on and dipped his tongue in to taste. “Yeah, me too,” he said, smiling. And this time they both slept well.
***
Jared wasn’t really sure how he made it home, considering the big gaping wound where his heart used to be, but somehow he found himself at his own door anyway. He pushed it open and stared at its familiarity that suddenly seemed foreign to him. Chad was kicked back on their shabby couch, playing Madden. He looked up when he heard the door open.
“Hey, man,” he greeted, “What’s going-“ He stopped when he got a good look at Jared’s face. He scrambled up off the couch and crossed over to the door. There was a moment where he almost hesitated in straight boy awkwardness, but it didn’t happen. He threw his arms around his best friend, holding on tight and patting his back comfortingly.
Jared’s arms came up and around, hugging him back. Then he dropped and pulled back and Chad let him go. “You wanna talk about it, man?” he asked deferentially.
Jared’s chin quivered and his puppy-dog eyes glassed over. Then he squared his jaw and inhaled sharply, pulling himself together. He shook his head. “No,” he said in a quiet rasp, “I think I’m just gonna go to bed.”
Chad nodded. “All right. If you change your mind,” he trailed off.
“Yeah, thanks, Chad.”
“Anytime, buddy.”
Jared shuffled into his bedroom and shut the door. He didn’t bother to turn the lights on, just threw himself down on the bed, still dressed. He prayed for unconsciousness to swallow him, but apparently God wasn’t listening. He stared into the darkness wide-awake, memories of Jensen chasing around his head. The first time he’d seen him in Channing and Weston, their first date, first kiss, first . . . in this very bed.
Jared growled in frustration and rolled over. A tension headache was building from the pressure of the unshed tears behind his eyes. He gave up and let them fall, soaking into his pillow. When he’d cried until there were no tears left, sleep finally took him.
He woke up with a start the next morning. He had a hell of a headache and the peculiar feeling that his subconscious mind had been working on his problems while he slept. Because there were ideas buzzing around his head that definitely had not been there the night before. He was definitely feeling the effects of sleeping in his clothes, so he showered and got cleaned up. Then he proceeded to call, text, or email everyone he knew.
Part 25:
Jensen really didn’t want to go to work. He didn’t know if Jared was scheduled today, but it was statistically likely. Which meant he’d have to see him and then he’d feel like dying all over again. Yes, he’d turned Jared down, but it still hurt. He constantly told himself it was better to feel this pain now than a lot more pain later, but it wasn’t very convincing.
It really didn’t help when he dragged himself into the break room to drop off his stuff and saw Sandy and Kristen sitting together holding hands and so close they were practically sharing a chair. They were laughing when he came in, clearly in the middle of a conversation.
“Oh, hey, and remember a few months ago when Jared decided to get everybody together to go to the pride parade?” Kristen asked.
“Yeah, and then Eric started freaking out because he didn’t think he had enough straight people to cover all the shifts for that weekend,” Sandy replied.
Just then, Chris came in, skirting around Jensen. “Hey, girls. What’s up?”
Kristen rolled her eyes. “Just talking about when Jared decided we should all show our rainbow colors and go to the pride parade.”
Chris smiled reminiscently. “Yeah, that was awesome. And then when Eric didn’t think he’d be able to cover all the shifts, he offered to stay behind and help out.”
“Yeah. Good thing Eric let him off the hook. I mean, it really would have sucked if he organized the whole thing and didn’t get to go,” Sandy said.
Chris nodded. “Yeah, but that’s Big Jay for ya. Always putting other people first.”
Jensen whirled and walked out. He couldn’t take another second of listening to the list of Jared’s perfections. And, speak of the devil, he was so lost in his own thoughts he ran straight into the man himself.
He recoiled from the solid muscle of Jared’s chest as though he’d been burned. His jaw dropped as he looked him up and down. Jared was wearing black pants cut just this side of too scandalously tight for work, a glaringly pink button-down and-Jensen blinked a couple of times to make sure his eyes weren’t betraying him-a rainbow belt. Jensen coughed self-consciously.
“Oh, hey, Jensen!” Jared greeted brightly, as though they hadn’t just had a traumatic breakup the night before. Jensen looked at him closely, though, and he could see the lines of stress around his eyes and mouth. Well, at least he wasn’t the only one. He felt guilty the second he thought it.
“Hey, Jared,” he said quietly, then walked past without another word.
It took him a few days to notice anything out of the ordinary. People liked Jared and it wasn’t unusual to hear him mentioned in conversation. But now it seemed like everywhere he went everyone was talking about what a great guy Jared was and especially how fantastically gay he was.
Jared himself seemed to be angling for flamboyant bookseller of the year. The rainbow belt was just the beginning of his fabulous new style. Pink, purple, lime green, teal and all tailored well enough to have Jensen biting the insides of his cheeks in frustration.
All things considered, Jensen figured there was some sort of master plan involved. He had the faint hope that if he ignored it, it might go away. Then, about a week into the covert attacks, a phone call came for him at the store. The overhead page identified him by name, so he knew it probably wasn’t work related.
“Hello?”
“Hi, Jensen?”
“Yeah, who’s this?”
“Um, my name’s Megan. Megan Padalecki. I’m Jared’s sister.”
“Uh, and you’re calling me why?”
“Jared asked me to. Look, he must really like you because he’s certainly never asked me to do anything like this before. I have to say, from what he’s told me I don’t really think you deserve him. But the big goof is usually a pretty good judge of character and he thinks you do, so just listen to what I have to say, okay?”
Jensen felt like he’d been sucker punched. “Yeah, okay,” he managed to say.
“Jared came out to our parents when he was fifteen. I remember before he did it, he was terrified and pacing in his bedroom. I was only twelve at the time so I didn’t really understand yet. I said if he was so scared, maybe he just shouldn’t tell. But he just looked at me and said he had to be honest about who he really was. He knew it would upset some people and he was really worried that it would hurt our mom and dad, but he would rather deal with that than live a lie. He didn’t even have a boyfriend at the time. He just wanted them to know. He was scared, but he didn’t let the fear stop him from doing what he knew was right. I haven’t met many teenagers with that kind of integrity, Jensen. I don’t know about you.”
Jensen was at a complete loss. “Uh, wow,” he choked out.
“Yeah. So that’s the kind of person Jared is. What kind of person are you?”
He was saved from having to come up with a response by the faint click indicating Megan had hung up. He listened to the dead line, staring at nothing until the busy signal sounded shrilly in his ears.
Part 26:
Jensen was still reeling from Megan’s call when Chad came up and clapped him jovially on the shoulder. “Hey, buddy!” he greeted.
Jensen looked at him warily. He was kind of terrified of all his coworkers at this point. “Hey.”
“What time do you get off tonight?”
“Umm, nine.”
“Hey, me too! You wanna grab some coffee or something after?”
Jensen gestured over at the café where Chad spent all his time making lattes, raising an eyebrow.
Chad rolled his eyes. “Come on, man. I’m so sick of this place. Let’s go caffeinate somewhere else. Please?”
Jensen knew defeat when he saw it. He knew that whatever this was, it couldn’t be good, but he didn’t have a believable excuse for not going and Chad did pitiful puppy almost as well as Jared. He sighed. “Sure, man.”
“Awesome! Catch you at nine then.”
Jensen was twitchy for the rest of his shift, dreading what was to come. Once they were done, he followed Chad a few blocks down the street to a little hole-in-the-wall coffee shop; definitely not Starbucks affiliated, which suited them both just fine.
“I love this place,” Chad said easily, “One of the last vestiges of non-corporate America.”
Jensen nodded. They got their coffee and settled at a table in a quiet corner. After a couple of minutes of companionably sipping their drinks, Jensen broke the silence.
“Look, man, I know you didn’t just want to grab a cup of coffee with the guy who broke up with your best friend a week ago, so whatever it is, let’s just get on with it, okay?”
“Aww, man!” Chad clapped a hand over his eyes in embarrassment. “And I thought I was being all subtle.”
Jensen couldn’t help but laugh a little. “Points for effort, but on top of the storewide obsession with Jared’s virtues and the phone call from his sister this afternoon, it wasn’t that hard to figure out.”
“Yeah, okay, I surrender. Jared totally put me up to this. But I probably woulda done it anyway.”
“It’s okay.”
“Look, Jared’s my best friend. Ever since we met he has always been there for me. And believe me, I’ve done some stupid shit. A couple of times no one would have blamed him if he just left me to clean up my own mess, but he never did. Once Jared is in your life, he’s there for good. I’ve never seen him give up on anybody. And on the rare occasions when he’s messed up, he’s gone nearly crazy trying to make it right. You couldn’t pick a better person to trust. It kills me to see him hurting, so please, give him another chance?”
The walls closed in around Jensen and he was suddenly itchy and desperate to be anywhere that wasn’t here. “Umm, look I’ll think about it, but I’ve got to go,” he said distractedly, pushing his chair out and standing up.
Chad looked at him with a bewildered expression. “You all right?”
“Yeah, yeah, just-I’ll see ya.”
“Umm, okay.”
Jensen bolted. He took a few moments just outside the coffee shop to catch his breath and calm the sourceless panic that had taken up residence in his chest. Then he walked to his car, only to find Jared leaning against it.
He looked like himself again, dressed in worn denim and a faded pink t-shirt, his hands in his pockets and his shoulders hunched forward like he was trying to hide.
“Hey,” he said.
“Hey,” Jensen returned warily.
“Um, can I talk to you?”
“Well, everyone else has. I guess it’s your turn.” There was a bit of a sting to his words and Jensen regretted it as he heard himself. “Sorry, uncalled for.”
Jared shook his head. “No, you’re right. It was stupid. I just thought they could be like,” he paused, searching, “Character witnesses or something. I swear, I didn’t ask them to lie.”
Jensen nodded. “Yeah, I know. You wouldn’t do that.”
Jared’s voice took on a pleading tone. “I just wanted you to know you’re safe with me. I mean, I can’t see the future. I can’t promise that everything’s going to work out. No one can do that, Jensen. But I do know that I really want to be with you and if you’d give me a chance I would do everything in my power to keep from hurting you. Please?”
Jensen moved toward Jared involuntarily. He wanted so badly to believe it, but he kept seeing all the people he’d thought he could trust who had betrayed him in the past running through his head like some awful home movie. The fear was so thick in his throat it was nearly choking him. “Jared, I can’t! I want to believe you, but I just-God, I can’t.”
The light in Jared’s eyes went out abruptly. He nodded jerkily. “All right. Okay. I’ve done everything I can think of. If it’s not enough, then it’s not. But you should ask yourself. What’s going to be enough? What will convince you to trust somebody? Or are you just going to hide forever?” Jared took a few steps away. “Goodbye, Jensen,” he nearly whispered.
Jensen’s vision went blurry as he watched Jared walk away again.
Part 27:
Jensen found himself at Steve and Chris’ apartment without any real memory of driving there. He pounded on the door frantically, not letting up until it was yanked open. He stared uncomprehendingly at Chris for a moment before asking, “Where’s Steve?”
“Out at Blockbuster. You all right? You don’t look so good.”
“Yeah, yeah, fine.”
“Sure you are. Come on in and sit down. You look like you’re about to fall over.”
Jensen opened his mouth to protest, then closed it. “Yeah, okay.” He sat down on the very edge of the couch, tension running through every inch of him.
“You want a beer?”
“Sure.”
Chris grabbed two bottles from the fridge. He handed one to Jensen as he settled beside him on the couch. Jensen took a sip, savoring the bitter taste. A tiny fraction of the tension left his muscles so he no longer felt so much like a piano wire stretched to the breaking point.
“You want to talk about it?”
Jensen looked at him, sure he looked as much like a deer in the headlights as he felt.
Chris sighed. “Steve’ll be back in a few minutes. I just thought maybe a less familiar ear might help.”
Jensen thought about it. “Yeah, maybe. Umm, how much has Steve told you about me?”
Chris grinned. “Well, plenty. You’re his best friend. To hear him tell it you walk on water, by the way.”
Jensen flushed a little and grabbed the momentary distraction. “Well, if I walk on water you must have the full on halo and wings thing going on the way he can’t stop talking about you.”
Chris’ lips twisted as he tried to suppress his pleased grin. “Thanks. I guess that’s not what you meant, though.”
“No. I mean, me and guys.”
“Well, he mentioned you had a bad break-up in college, but he didn’t go into specifics. He wouldn’t.”
Jensen nodded. “Yeah, I figured. Well, let’s just say I have an unfortunate habit of dating guys who decide they’re straight later on.”
Chris whistled low. “Man, that’s rough.”
“Yeah. So I’m- a bit gun shy. More than a bit.”
“Fair enough. So what’s got you practically hyperventilating on my doorstep then?”
“Umm, Jared.”
“The gentle giant? Really?”
“It’s just, he’s so perfect and I can’t-I can’t do it again. I can’t put my heart into something and watch it fall apart. It just-hurts too much.” Jensen’s throat closed up, tears threatening again. He started at Chris’ hand squeezing his shoulder.
“Can I say something?”
Jensen nodded miserably.
“You’re scared. That’s all right. Sounds like you’ve had a real shitty time of it so far. But, Jensen. From the way you’re talking it’s pretty clear your heart’s already gone. Now you can break it off and have nothing more to do with Jared, but you can’t call your heart back when it’s already given, whether you meant to do it or not. So you might as well enjoy the good parts instead of being so worried about what might happen you just break your heart all by yourself. And hey, sometimes it doesn’t end bad, you know?”
Jensen stared at him. His stomach dropped and his eyes widened.
“Oh, God, I’m an idiot, aren’t I?” he said with growing horror.
Chris grinned warmly. “Nah, just needed some fresh perspective.”
Steve came in to find Jensen tackle-hugging Chris. “Hey, now. No groping my boyfriend!”
Jensen pulled back. “Just a hug between friends,” he said, “God, I have to go and-“ He stood up and took a couple of steps towards the door. “Oh shit, I can’t just-after everything he did I can’t just go tell him ‘oops, I was wrong!’ He put up with so much of my crap.” He turned back to Steve. “You have to help me!” he said, desperation written all over his face.
Steve blinked. “Well, if someone would tell me what’s going on, I’d be happy to.”
Chris laughed and slung and arm around him. “Don’t worry, baby. We’ll fill you in.” He turned to look at Jensen. “And then we’ll get to work on a plan, okay?”
Jensen nodded. “Yeah, thank you.”
Chris jumped up to grab a third beer for Steve and then they got down to business.
Part 28:
Jared slogged through most of his shift on miserable, irritable autopilot. He was barely civil with customers and re-shelved books with considerably more force than necessary. He was relieved when his lunch break rolled around. He yanked off his name tag and barely resisted sprinting for the break room.
He had been sitting down for maybe five minutes, lost in his own, gloomy thoughts, when he heard Kristen page over the PA system. “Jared to the Information Desk, please,” she said and it sounded like she was holding back laughter. He scowled and grabbed the phone, dialing the extension for the info desk.
“Can’t it wait, Kristen? I’m on lunch.”
She totally failed to restrain her giggles this time. “Oh, I think you’ll want to see this,” she said.
“Fine. On my way.”
He made his way back out to the floor with brisk, agitated steps, not really paying attention to his surroundings until he drew up short a few feet from the desk. He blinked a few times to make sure his eyes weren’t deceiving him. Jensen was standing there, a guitar slung over his shoulder. He bit his lip and looked uncertainly at Jared.
Jared started to turn around, intending to retreat the way he came. He found Chris and Steve behind him, keeping him from bolting. “Let me go,” he hissed.
Steve met his eyes steadily. “Just hear him out. Please. If you feel the same then, you can go, okay?”
Jared weighed his options. Chris and Steve were kind of short. He could get past them. It would mean a brawl in the middle of the store, though, and that would probably get him fired. He glared at both of them in turn. “Fine.” He turned back to Jensen. “I’m listening.”
Jensen nodded and drew in a shaky breath. He didn’t speak, though. Instead he started to play. He strummed quietly through a chord pattern and then he opened his mouth and sang.
I don’t get many things right the first time
In fact, I am told that a lot.
Now I know all the wrong turns and stumbles and falls brought me here.
And where was I before the day that I first saw your lovely face?
Now I see it every day.
And I know that I am, I am, I am the luckiest.
His voice was clear and pure, but breathy with nerves. His fingers fumbled a couple of times on the frets. He glanced down a few times, but mostly he held Jared’s eyes.
I love you more than I have ever found a way to say to you.
Jared tried to remain unmoved. He reminded himself of all the bullshit Jensen had put him through. But hearing him pouring his heart out now, in front of everyone, he couldn’t hold onto his anger.
I’m sorry. I know that’s a strange way to tell you that I know we belong.
That I know that I am, I am, I am the luckiest.
As the last note faded away, Jared realized tears were pouring down his face. Jensen pulled the guitar strap over his head and handed the instrument to Mike, who was the closest observer. He took a tentative step forward.
“God, Jensen,” Jared said, feeling like the words were ripped out of him, “You can’t just-after everything-and then you come here and you sing. It doesn’t just make all that go away.”
Jensen swallowed hard, but kept walking towards Jared until they were more inches apart. Jared whole body was thrumming with the desire to either run away or close the last of the distance between them.
“I know,” Jensen said, his voice rough with emotion, “I know I have a lot to make up for, but I swear if you will just give me another chance I will do everything in my power not to fuck it up.” And now he was crying too. “I am so, so sorry for everything I’ve put you through. If you forgive me, I really will be the luckiest man on earth.”
Jared made a small, involuntary sound in his throat and then he was kissing Jensen. It was hard and desperate and tasted salty with their mingled tears. He pulls back, resting his forehead on Jensen’s.
“Yeah, okay,” he said with a watery smile, “Just don’t break my heart again, all right?”
Jensen pulled back a little more and met Jared’s eyes, squaring his shoulders with the air of a man making an important vow. “I promise.”
Cheers erupted from the peanut gallery. They both started and looked around at their friends. They had forgotten that anyone in the world existed outside of them. Jared grinned wide and Jensen blushed up to the roots of his hair. Jared pulled him into a tight hug. Over his shoulder he saw Mike kissing Jeff exuberantly. Finally, he thought, glad that he wasn't the only happy one.
“Did you mean it?” he whispered in Jensen’s ear.
Jensen looked at him. “Mean what?”
“In the song, you said you loved me. Did you mean it?”
Jensen stilled, the nodded solemnly. “Yeah, I did.”
Jared smiled, warmth blossoming in his chest. “I love you too.”
Part 29:
Jensen paced his living room, waiting for Jared to arrive. The hours since their very public reunion seemed interminable. He had cleaned his apartment from top to bottom, paying special attention. He’d made sure his refrigerator contained something other than beer and ketchup in case Jared got hungry. He’d checked his email twelve times. Now there was nothing to do but wait.
He made himself sit down and picked up a book and tried to read, but he couldn’t even focus long enough to read a whole page. He tossed it aside in frustration. Jared’s shift ended at five. At five o’clock and thirty seconds Jensen started panicking that Jared had changed his mind and decided he couldn’t forgive him after all and he wasn’t coming. He reminded himself to breathe and to remember that it would take Jared at least half an hour to get here in rush hour traffic.
At 5:29 there was a knock on Jensen’s door. He made himself take a breath before opening the door. And there was Jared in all his ridiculously tall, floppy-haired glory.
Jensen felt the grin split his face. “You came,” he said.
Jared grinned back at him. “Of course I came. You didn’t think I’d change my mind did you?”
Jensen shrugged. “Not really. I worried.”
Jared took a few steps forward, backing Jensen into the room and shutting the door behind them. “You shouldn’t have.”
“Tough habit to break.”
Jared looked at him like he was the most amazing thing ever. “I love you,” he said.
“I love you too,” Jensen said, his cheeks pinking a bit.
They stared at each other for a few moments. The space between them practically hummed. It wasn’t clear who moved first, but suddenly there was no more distance between them.
The kiss was deep and needy, but not too fast. It was like they were competing to see who could climb inside the other. Jared got Jensen back against the nearest wall, pressing every inch of them together.
Jensen propelled Jared a little ways into the room, following with his mouth. “Bedroom,” he managed to gasp out between kisses.
Jared nodded and Jensen dragged him in the correct direction. It took them longer than it should have to get rid of their clothes. They kept touching and kissing, like it was some kind of compulsion. Finally, though, there was nothing between them but air. Then there wasn’t even that.
They tumbled onto the bed and Jared ended up on top. They kissed some more, and Jensen couldn’t get enough. He let his hands wander over Jared’s back, stomach, hips, the curve of his ass. Finally he moved in the direction of his cock, grasping it firmly yet gently, loving the feel of the silky hot skin.
Jared hissed in pleasure. “God, Jen, so good.”
Jensen tangled his other hand in Jared’s hair and pulled him down to whisper in his ear, “I want you to fuck me.”
Jared moaned low in his throat. “Yeah, Jen.” He cleared his throat. “Yes.”
Jared prepped him slow and careful, with a look of intense concentration. Every so often, his fingers sparked against Jensen’s prostate, making Jensen arch and yelp in pleasure.
“That’s good, Jay. I’m ready.”
Jared nodded. He pulled his fingers out and pushed Jensen’s knees up and apart. Jensen felt Jared’s cock pressing against his opening, then sliding in. Jared was bigger than he was used to and it took some adjusting. Jared slid in inch by inch until he was all the way in.
Jensen wrapped his legs around Jared’s back and his arms around his shoulders. Then they started to move. It was slow at first, testing. Jensen loved the feeling of fullness and the delicious friction as Jared moved in and out of him.
Soon they picked up the pace, a frantic pressure building between them. Jared reached a hand between them and grasped Jensen’s cock. He was too far gone to get a good rhythm going, but it didn’t much matter. Jensen was so overwhelmed with sensation that the friction had him coming in moments. Jared cried out and threw his head back, following Jensen over the edge.
They lay front to front, recovering. Jensen hugged Jared to him, kissing his hair. “I love you so much it hurts, Jay.”
Jared tilted his head and kissed Jensen sweetly. “I love you more.”
Jensen pulled back and spotted the gleam of mischief in Jared’s eyes. “Oh, yeah?”
“I wore a rainbow belt for you.”
“Well I sang in public for you.”
“You should really do that professionally, you know. You’re amazing.”
“Okay, now you’re starting to sound like Steve. I don’t do well in front of crowds.”
“Well, maybe I can find a way to convince you.”
“Like what?”
Jared quickly slid down Jensen’s body and licked a stripe across his hipbones. “Lemme show you,” he said, grinning wickedly.
Jensen shuddered, feeling his spent cock twitching to life again. “Yeah,” he said breathlessly, “I’m all right with that.”
Part 30:
Unlike most of Mike’s parties, this wasn’t an open invitation free for all. Because Mike was a nice person, he had warned the invitees not to say anything in the store on pain of death. He didn’t want anyone else feeling left out. All the same, this wasn’t an everyone kind of gathering. It was much quieter, for one thing. Sure, there was drinking, but significantly less raucous drunkenness.
It was a close friends only celebration of Mike’s five year anniversary with Channing and Weston. “Long live corporate America!” he cheered, raising his beer bottle.
The group laughed and drank with him. Jeff leaned easily against his side. He was grinning easily, an expression that everyone was getting used to seeing on his face. Chris and Steve had both taken Mike aside to thank him for the much improved work environment.
Speaking of Chris and Steve they were on the couch, taking up much less room than they would if they weren’t surgically attached. “So,” Steve said, “Chris and I have been writing some songs.”
A low buzz of surprise made its way around the circle.
“And-“ Steve raised his voice and waited for quiet, “And we just booked our first gig at this little club. You should all come.”
Congratulations and hugging met this announcement. After Jared had offered his standard lung-crushing bear hugs, he tossed in, faux-casually, “You know, you all should let Jen play some with you.”
Jensen made wide eyes of horror and shook his head frantically.
Steve chuckled. “Oh, we’d love to if he could get over that stage fright thing. Come on, Jen! What do you say?”
Jensen opened his mouth, but Jared beat him to it. “Remember our talk?”
Jensen shot him a look that was dirty in more than one sense. Then he turned back to Steve. “I’ll think about it. As long as we practice a lot first.”
Steve grinned. “Awesome!”
With the pressure off for the time being, Jensen settled back against Jared, sighing contentedly.
“Hey, where’d Chad and Sophia go?” Kristen asked. Sandy was draped around her like she had no intention of disentangling herself anytime soon.
Mike threw his head back and yelled, “Chad! Sophia! Where are you?”
A crash sounded from the patio, followed by muffled cursing and laughter.
“Out here!” Sophia called.
“What are you doing? Making out?” Mike said.
A long pause that somehow managed to be awkward even through the wall answered that question.
“Oh, my God! You are!” Kristen exclaimed delightedly.
Chad and Sophia reluctantly reentered the living room, looking embarrassed, but pleased.
“Umm, we’ll see you guys later, okay?” Sophia said, blushing.
Whistling and catcalls followed them out the door.
“Well, who would have thought it,” Jensen said, sounding a bit stunned.
“Oh, I knew they had crushes on each other for pretty much ever,” Sandy said.
Mike laughed. “She’s small, but she’s fierce!” He looked around and groaned. “Oh no, guys. We’re losing them.”
Everyone looked where Mike was looking and saw that Jared and Jensen had started kissing.
“It’s like some kind of symbiotic parasite thing,” Kristen said.
“Oh, get a room,” Chris teased.
Jensen pulled away from Jared and grinned. “You know, that’s the best idea I’ve heard all night.” He stood up and pulled Jared off the couch after him. “Catch you guys later!”
Jared laughed and followed as Jensen dragged him towards the door. “Thanks for having us over, Mike,” he called over his shoulder.
“Don’t mention it, lovebirds.” Mike called back.
“Well,” Steve said, resting his hands behind his head contentedly, “It looks like everything is finally working itself out.”
“Oh, don’t worry,” Chris said, “I’m sure by tomorrow there’ll be some new drama for you to fix.”
Steve rolled his eyes. “Sad, but true,” he replied, “I swear it’s gotta be something in the bookstore air.”
Part 31:
One Year Later . . .
Steve was a bit distracted on his way back from lunch. He was running through possible set lists in his head. Lately he and Chris had been getting a lot of good press in the local club scene. It was getting to the point where they were both thinking of dropping hours at C&W, or maybe quitting entirely. They’d managed to get Jensen up on stage with them only a handful of times, with Jared’s help. Tonight he was joining them again. Steve hoped this time maybe he’d agree to sing lead on a song or two.
He was pulled abruptly out of his musings when he spotted the tall, blond guy at the information desk. He had a tiny carbon copy of himself, maybe three years old, balanced on his hip. He was looking around searchingly. Steve scanned the floor, but it seemed that everyone was otherwise occupied. He sighed and fished his nametag out of his pocket.
“Hi, can I help you with something?” he asked with false brightness.
The guy turned towards him with a disarming expression. “Yeah, actually I was looking for Jensen. Jensen Ackles?” He peered at Steve like he was trying to remember something, then his eyes lit up. “You’re Steve, aren’t you?”
Steve stared at him in consternation. “Umm, yeah. And you are?”
“Oh, sorry! Justin Hartley. Nice to finally meet you.” He transferred the moppet to his other hip and held out his hand.
Steve raised his eyebrows and made no move to shake the offered hand. “I think maybe you’d better take your literary needs elsewhere,” he said with dangerous casualness.
Justin looked at Steve with confusion that was starting to cloud into anger. Then his eyes shifted to some point over Steve’s shoulder and a smile broke a cross his face. “Jensen!” he called, “Hey, Jenny!”
Steve whirled around and saw Jensen, frozen in place and suddenly pale with wide eyes. Justin brushed past him, taking long strides towards Jensen. When he got close, Jensen took a couple of steps back.
“Justin,” he said faintly, “What are you doing here?”
“Heard you were working here, man. Came to see you.” His pleasant tone sounded a little strained now.
Steve tried to step between them.
“Listen, could we have a minute?” Justin asked, “Alone?”
Steve looked at Jensen, perfectly willing to force the issue, but Jensen shook his head.
“It’s okay. I’ll talk to him.”
Steve backed off, shooting a last warning glance at Justin.
***
Jensen just stared. It was like seeing a ghost. A ghost with a toddler. “What are you really doing here, Justin?”
“Like I said, I-we-came to visit you. This is Quinn, by the way.”
Jensen only spared a brief glance for the kid, adorable though he was. “It’s a long way from Sacramento to LA.”
Justin looked pained, glancing from side to side and shifting his weight. “Well, umm, Lindsay kind of left us. Left me. She’s got joint custody of Quinn.”
“Why?”
Justin studied the floor. “She found out about you,” he said, almost too low to be heard.
Jensen felt a hot stab of vindication. Then he felt ashamed for enjoying someone else’s pain, even Justin’s. After all, that sweet little boy was going to grow up in a broken home now. Still, Lindsay wasn’t stuck in a lie of a marriage anymore, so the good and evil probably balanced out in the long run.
“That still doesn’t explain what you’re doing here.”
Justin bit his lip. “Well, after the divorce, I kind of wanted a fresh start. I’m ready to be honest about who I am now. Jensen, I’m sorry I was such a dick to you before. I was just too scared to come out and I didn’t handle it well. But I guess the truth will out. So to speak. Anyway, I know I have no right to ask this, but I was hoping you’d consider taking me back.”
“That’s not gonna happen.”
They both turned sharply towards the new voice. Jensen let out the breath he hadn’t realized he was holding when he saw Jared standing there. He was even taller than Justin and definitely broader. His arms were crossed over his chest and his expression was forbidding.
Justin apparently wasn’t quite ready to admit defeat, though. He jutted his chin forward. “And who are you?”
Jared stepped forward and wrapped his arms possessively around Jensen’s waist. Jensen leaned back against him, perfectly willing to complete the image. “I’m Jensen’s boyfriend, Jared, and you’re lucky you’re holding a kid. Now go on and take your too little, too late on out of here, all right?”
Justin huffed and spluttered, but there wasn’t a whole lot he could say to that. It was the first time Jensen had ever really seen his mask crack. “Yeah, fine, whatever,” he said. Then he turned and stalked out of the store, frustration written in every line of his body.
Jensen relaxed even further against Jared’s chest. “Steve?” he asked.
Jared chuckled. “Yeah, he let me know what was going on. Are you okay?”
Jensen turned himself around and placed his hands on Jared’s shoulders. “Yes, thanks to you. Have I told you today that I love you?”
Jared grinned. “I think you might have mentioned it, but I don’t mind hearing it again.”
“I love you.”
“I love you more.”
Jensen groaned and buried his face in Jared’s neck. “Oh, come on! Not this argument again.”
“All right, all right. Let’s call it a draw, okay?”
Jensen nodded. “Agreed.” He leaned up and placed a quick kiss on Jared’s lips. “Now I think we both have to get back to work.”
Jared sighed over-dramatically. “Too true. Such is the plight of the over-educated, under-paid corporate bookstore employee.”
“You know you love it,” Jensen said.
“How could I not? I found you here, didn’t I?”
Jensen really has to agree. What could he have against a place that gave him Jared? He smiled to himself and he got on with his work, looking forward to going home with his boyfriend later.