(no subject)

[iforgotmyself]

I really wasn't going to post anything today because I really didn't feel like being honest, especially now that I know other people have this address. Maybe that was a mistake giving it out, but it's been done. Yesterday I didn't get too much done in terms of school work, but I set up my new printer and cleaned up for awhile, had some good talks with my mom and Hazel (my landlord and second mother). I spent the majority of the day feeling the same greatness that I had been feeling all week. That is until about 5:30/6pm when I just felt like shit. It's my own fault because I know if I don't get up and get moving in the morning and end up sitting around all day I will end up feeling depressed. So I forced myself to get ready and went over to pick up Kirsti and some alcohol and we came back to my place for awhile. We drank too much vodka and red bull too fast and ended up running down the street with a 26er and a glass in the middle of the night. We stashed that stuff in a snowbank and hopped on the bus for downtown. Once we got there I started to feel especially drunk and was getting weird vibes from some girls that were hanging out with Sean. I danced a bit with Rachel and her sister and apparently met my future husband before I got sick of fooling myself. I didn't want to be there. I didn't want to be some drunk single broad dancing at the bar getting weird vibes from girls and being introduced to people that my friends think I should hook up with. So I bailed and Kirsti warned me against it, but finally agreed and put me in a cab and I took it to Kris's. Fuck, I know. BAD MOVE. I had to wake up his neighbour to come let me in because Kris's buzzer hasn't been connected yet in his building. So there I was, banging on his door in the middle of the night, knowing I was being a complete idiot. When he answered the door I fell onto the couch but then he took me in his bedroom and you can probably guess the rest of the night. I think we slept for two hours or so before waking up and repeating it all. Then he got anxious about hanging out with Kyle and some girls came to his door and it all started to sink in for me. We walked downtown and I told him I wanted to tell him something so we stopped and had breakfast. I told him how rare it is that someone truly cares about you that isn't your family. He had someone like that and instead of appreciating it, he took advantage of me, lied to me, and hurt me. And now he's fooling himself by hanging out with people that don't care about him and he hasn't even figured out why he did all that shit to me, so the next time he's in a relationship, he's going to do the same thing to someone else. I firmly believe that the Kris I met was a good person - perhaps the sweetest, most caring, trusting person I had met. The person he has become, I don't even know and that truly breaks my heart. He walked me to the bus and told me he appreciated it all and would really think about things. I'm not sure if that's true, but at least I feel like I did the right thing by telling him. I definitely learned things the hard way in my life and maybe he has to learn for himself too, but I said what I had to say and hopefully that will make it easier for me to let go.

In brighter news, I saw a dude wearing an LA Raiders jacket today and it was AWESOME. Also, Emily made me this and it's the most thoughtful thing someone has done for me in FOREVER.