stupid
I guess things will just go back to the way they were before. I really did think that progress had been made and that even though there were strains here and there that they had been mended pretty well. I thought that there would be hanging out and good laughs and just a realization that our friendship is important. WRONG!!!!! How stupid can I be to think that? It's sad that I can honestly say I was excited to have my friend back, but lately that doesn't seem the case. I guess it's good to know that someone is there to listen and help out when no one else is there, but when others fill up the time then I get pushed back to just an afterthought once more. I don't know why I expected more. I honestly wasn't even all that thrilled about him coming home. I think part of that was the fact that I knew that things would go back to how they were before. The closer it's getting to the time the plane will land, the more it becomes obvious that there is less need to be my friend anymore.. or well other than a hey, leave me comments and boost my ego and blahblahblah. STUPID STUPID STUPID. I had gotten to the point where he wasn't such a big part of my life and I really enjoyed that... the thought that not everything I did or said or how I acted would make me look bad in his eyes. I have slowly stepped back into that spotlight just a little. I have become a bit more self concious of how I acted, reacted and just the things I've been doing because I didn't want him to think less of me. WHO CARES WHAT HE THINKS!!! An actual friend isn't one that's going to judge you like that... that isn't going to throw you by the wayside... isn't going to be your friend out of convenience. I think that's something that breaks my heart more than anything... the fact that I wasted so much time on one person, on what they thought, or whatever when he obviously couldn't care less what happens to me or my feelings. For a best friend... that's pretty pathetic. Yeah, you've gone and done some great things the past couple of years and I'm sure you've changed a whole lot, but in a lot of ways, you're still the same. Someone I don't want to be like. I've been over the whole infatuation with you, but I was still clinging to a friendship that you threw away. Yeah, that's over. We'll be nice and friendly, but we won't be close. There'll be things that we have in common and a lot of the same memories, but I don't see that being the case anymore. I've changed a lot. Some for the good and some not so good, but I do thank God that my eyes were finally opened some months ago and I've been able to realize you weren't all that I thought you were and you really aren't all that I need. I'll continue on in my life and I'll make it... I'm sure I'll make wrong choices, but I will make right ones too. I'll be happy though. I hope you're happy too.