I really can't do anything right.
Believe it or not, graduation day was the worst day I've had in quite some time.
I drove to Cranbury to teach art class. The kids listened a little better this week. We had fun drawing a hot air balloon. That older teacher was a bitch to me again, just like she is every fucking week, but I didn't let it get to me.
After class I went to Wren's. She made delicious panini's for Loren and me. Loren made margaritas to go with the panini's. Well, they didn't really go but were equally delicious. I threw my dress on and put on some makeup. Wren teased my hair to Staten Island perfection. Off I went to graduate. Turnpike north, exit 16W, easy enough. I'll prove Dad wrong and get there before 6. I smoked my last cigarette on the way to class. I'll need to get there early to buy a pack at BP or whatever the hell it is now.
On the Turnpike, I started seeing some strange exits I never remember seeing. I saw a sign for the last service area for so many miles. Called Dad, for the first time ever he had no idea where I was and suggested I get off at the service area and ask for directions. It was getting dangerously close to 6 and I was nowhere near my destination. Park, get out, look for unsketchy people. Man in a suit getting into a nice car: perfect. I ask suit guy if he's from around the area, if he can help me, he says he's not but he has a GPS. Give him the address, look at the time, start to cry. It doesn't help that I'm premenstrual. Start crying hysterically. Suit guy tells me to calm down, to have a seat in the back, hands me a tissue, tells me to calm down again. Now I'm babbling through my hysterical tears, he can't understand me, he's writing down directions. Through my tears, I try to breathe and tell him that I'm not going to make it to graduation, I won't get to walk, Dad's gonna kill me. I hear myself talking and can barely understand what I'm saying. Poor suit guy. I try to change the subject and ask him what he does for a living. He says he's a limo driver. Duh. I keep crying. He keeps writing. I say I usually don't cry in the back of stranger's cars. That I'm sorry, I'm just scared and I love my Dad and want him to be proud of me. Cry some more. Suit guy gives me the directions, says good luck, and to call Dad so he's not worried. Ok sniffle ok cry get back in my car. Thanks suit guy.
I'm half-blind from crying, but I get back on the Turnpike, south this time. The exit's right fucking there. Get onto Route 3. It's stopped dead. I keep crying. I cried off all of my mascara, sweat out all my foundation, cried and sweat on my perfectly teased hair. I look like I got hit by a Mack truck. Call Sam. Call Deanna. Tell them I'm going to be late. Dad calls me a few times and screams at me. I keep crying, tell him that his yelling isn't really helping me get there any quicker. Deanna and Sam say they'll try to stall for me and talk to important people to let them know. Finally get to the parking deck, there are no spots. I go around and around to the top floor, find a spot. Deanna calls and says graduation lady is giving me four minutes to get there, otherwise I don't get to walk. Grab my gown, still on the phone, look for the elevator that's nowhere in sight. Find the stairs, still on the phone, book it down the stairs. Run up the hill, put my gown half-on, everyone I pass looks at me like I'm insane. I'm panting and sweating and trying to wipe residual tears off of my face. Get to Kasser. Dad, Mom, Deanna, Joe and Uncle Greg are there waiting. Deanna already checked me in, gives me a card with my name on it. I give someone my keys, someone my phone, hand someone the cap that I apparently don't need. Run to the line of graduates. Drop the card with my name on it, it starts flying away, Mom yells that I dropped the card. I yell SHIT and have to run back after it. I go to the first graduates in line. I've never seen any of these people in my life. I'm sweating, I look like shit, and I can barely breathe, let alone talk. I pant at them, where do I go? They give me the same "who the fuck is that?" look that everyone else but my family gave me. Bless them. Keep walking toward the back of the line, asking people where I go, where are the art majors? Same looks. I finally reach the art majors. I'm greeted with smiles and hugs and kisses, didn't think you were gonna make it's, thank god's, etc. I know, me too. Music starts and we walk.
My family seems to have completely forgotten what just happened and they're all smiles and waves and kiss-blowing and picture taking. Nice. I love you guys. I sit with Liz and Sam. The ceremony is skull-numbing, but the girls and I just talk shit about the people in our department that we don't like. Now that's fun. Line up, some dumbass calls my name, I smile and shake hands with the evil beast that is Susan Cole and some other dude. I get a pretty decent amount of cheers. I'm happy. Dad and Mom are together, waiting to take pictures of me once I'm off the stage. I'm really happy.
Ceremony ends, we walk out, I find my family. I don't hug anyone, I don't kiss anyone, my first order of business is to nab a cigarette from Dad. Thank god for him, he has some. I smoke my graduation cigarette and breathe a monstrous sigh of relief. My chest still hurts from running so fast. I don't remember the last time I ran. Period. Good cigarette, lots of hugs and kisses after.
Dad says we should go somewhere nearby for an after-party sort of thing. I tell him I want to go somewhere near home, he ignores me, Shannon Rose it is. We get there and it's some sort of club night. Deanna says I don't know why Dad wanted to come here. I say I don't either, no way I'm having a drop to drink if I have to drive an hour home after. She starts yelling at me, asking me why the hell I wanted to go there. I say Dad wanted to go and I said that's cool with me, wherever you wanna go Dad. She keeps yelling, telling me I need to stop trying to please everyone around me and say what I want. I said I did but Dad ignored me, Mom agrees and sticks up for me. Mom decides that we should go somewhere near home, like I wanted to do from the beginning. She walks me to my car, says everything's ok. She hugs me and I start crying again because I'm a fucking moron. Deanna's mad at me blah blah blah. I'm so exhausted in every way possible, all I can do is cry. Mom hugs me and says it's ok, Deanna's just tired and she's not mad and didn't mean what she said. I get back in my car, keep crying. Try to get out of Clifton commons, it's a maze and a half. I wind up in Nutley somewhere following parkway signs. Finally get to the parkway. Think about Mom sticking up for me and defending me against Dad, just like she always used to. I cry all the way home. Once I get off the parkway, stop at Exxon for gas and cigarettes. Mmm cigarettes. I look even worse than I did before. Meet the family at Houlihan's and there's a jack and coke waiting for me at the table. I love you guys. Eat some quiche, it's really good. We reminisce. Everyone makes fun of me, especially Mom, saying that I can't do anything on time or in a normal fashion. I agree. Mom and Dad talk about vacations past and things like that and it makes me smile. I've wanted to go out for dinner with them for so long. I feel like I have my family back for a brief flash of a second. It's so nice.
Go home and watch TV until 2am. My eyes are stinging. I fall right asleep.
Wake up on Saturday morning, my eyes are swollen as fuck.
Go back to sleep.
I drove to Cranbury to teach art class. The kids listened a little better this week. We had fun drawing a hot air balloon. That older teacher was a bitch to me again, just like she is every fucking week, but I didn't let it get to me.
After class I went to Wren's. She made delicious panini's for Loren and me. Loren made margaritas to go with the panini's. Well, they didn't really go but were equally delicious. I threw my dress on and put on some makeup. Wren teased my hair to Staten Island perfection. Off I went to graduate. Turnpike north, exit 16W, easy enough. I'll prove Dad wrong and get there before 6. I smoked my last cigarette on the way to class. I'll need to get there early to buy a pack at BP or whatever the hell it is now.
On the Turnpike, I started seeing some strange exits I never remember seeing. I saw a sign for the last service area for so many miles. Called Dad, for the first time ever he had no idea where I was and suggested I get off at the service area and ask for directions. It was getting dangerously close to 6 and I was nowhere near my destination. Park, get out, look for unsketchy people. Man in a suit getting into a nice car: perfect. I ask suit guy if he's from around the area, if he can help me, he says he's not but he has a GPS. Give him the address, look at the time, start to cry. It doesn't help that I'm premenstrual. Start crying hysterically. Suit guy tells me to calm down, to have a seat in the back, hands me a tissue, tells me to calm down again. Now I'm babbling through my hysterical tears, he can't understand me, he's writing down directions. Through my tears, I try to breathe and tell him that I'm not going to make it to graduation, I won't get to walk, Dad's gonna kill me. I hear myself talking and can barely understand what I'm saying. Poor suit guy. I try to change the subject and ask him what he does for a living. He says he's a limo driver. Duh. I keep crying. He keeps writing. I say I usually don't cry in the back of stranger's cars. That I'm sorry, I'm just scared and I love my Dad and want him to be proud of me. Cry some more. Suit guy gives me the directions, says good luck, and to call Dad so he's not worried. Ok sniffle ok cry get back in my car. Thanks suit guy.
I'm half-blind from crying, but I get back on the Turnpike, south this time. The exit's right fucking there. Get onto Route 3. It's stopped dead. I keep crying. I cried off all of my mascara, sweat out all my foundation, cried and sweat on my perfectly teased hair. I look like I got hit by a Mack truck. Call Sam. Call Deanna. Tell them I'm going to be late. Dad calls me a few times and screams at me. I keep crying, tell him that his yelling isn't really helping me get there any quicker. Deanna and Sam say they'll try to stall for me and talk to important people to let them know. Finally get to the parking deck, there are no spots. I go around and around to the top floor, find a spot. Deanna calls and says graduation lady is giving me four minutes to get there, otherwise I don't get to walk. Grab my gown, still on the phone, look for the elevator that's nowhere in sight. Find the stairs, still on the phone, book it down the stairs. Run up the hill, put my gown half-on, everyone I pass looks at me like I'm insane. I'm panting and sweating and trying to wipe residual tears off of my face. Get to Kasser. Dad, Mom, Deanna, Joe and Uncle Greg are there waiting. Deanna already checked me in, gives me a card with my name on it. I give someone my keys, someone my phone, hand someone the cap that I apparently don't need. Run to the line of graduates. Drop the card with my name on it, it starts flying away, Mom yells that I dropped the card. I yell SHIT and have to run back after it. I go to the first graduates in line. I've never seen any of these people in my life. I'm sweating, I look like shit, and I can barely breathe, let alone talk. I pant at them, where do I go? They give me the same "who the fuck is that?" look that everyone else but my family gave me. Bless them. Keep walking toward the back of the line, asking people where I go, where are the art majors? Same looks. I finally reach the art majors. I'm greeted with smiles and hugs and kisses, didn't think you were gonna make it's, thank god's, etc. I know, me too. Music starts and we walk.
My family seems to have completely forgotten what just happened and they're all smiles and waves and kiss-blowing and picture taking. Nice. I love you guys. I sit with Liz and Sam. The ceremony is skull-numbing, but the girls and I just talk shit about the people in our department that we don't like. Now that's fun. Line up, some dumbass calls my name, I smile and shake hands with the evil beast that is Susan Cole and some other dude. I get a pretty decent amount of cheers. I'm happy. Dad and Mom are together, waiting to take pictures of me once I'm off the stage. I'm really happy.
Ceremony ends, we walk out, I find my family. I don't hug anyone, I don't kiss anyone, my first order of business is to nab a cigarette from Dad. Thank god for him, he has some. I smoke my graduation cigarette and breathe a monstrous sigh of relief. My chest still hurts from running so fast. I don't remember the last time I ran. Period. Good cigarette, lots of hugs and kisses after.
Dad says we should go somewhere nearby for an after-party sort of thing. I tell him I want to go somewhere near home, he ignores me, Shannon Rose it is. We get there and it's some sort of club night. Deanna says I don't know why Dad wanted to come here. I say I don't either, no way I'm having a drop to drink if I have to drive an hour home after. She starts yelling at me, asking me why the hell I wanted to go there. I say Dad wanted to go and I said that's cool with me, wherever you wanna go Dad. She keeps yelling, telling me I need to stop trying to please everyone around me and say what I want. I said I did but Dad ignored me, Mom agrees and sticks up for me. Mom decides that we should go somewhere near home, like I wanted to do from the beginning. She walks me to my car, says everything's ok. She hugs me and I start crying again because I'm a fucking moron. Deanna's mad at me blah blah blah. I'm so exhausted in every way possible, all I can do is cry. Mom hugs me and says it's ok, Deanna's just tired and she's not mad and didn't mean what she said. I get back in my car, keep crying. Try to get out of Clifton commons, it's a maze and a half. I wind up in Nutley somewhere following parkway signs. Finally get to the parkway. Think about Mom sticking up for me and defending me against Dad, just like she always used to. I cry all the way home. Once I get off the parkway, stop at Exxon for gas and cigarettes. Mmm cigarettes. I look even worse than I did before. Meet the family at Houlihan's and there's a jack and coke waiting for me at the table. I love you guys. Eat some quiche, it's really good. We reminisce. Everyone makes fun of me, especially Mom, saying that I can't do anything on time or in a normal fashion. I agree. Mom and Dad talk about vacations past and things like that and it makes me smile. I've wanted to go out for dinner with them for so long. I feel like I have my family back for a brief flash of a second. It's so nice.
Go home and watch TV until 2am. My eyes are stinging. I fall right asleep.
Wake up on Saturday morning, my eyes are swollen as fuck.
Go back to sleep.