Great Show After-Parties of Our Time
Alice in Wonderland, 2004
Started out amusingly with sheer amount of fury a certain director had towards Rob, Nick and Dan's final night trick of appearing as surprise backup singers in the Turtle Soup song - I believe the phrase "It ruined the whole show" was pulled out. Before long people were sitting in the hallway tightly clustered around bowls of Icebreaker, competing to drink the largest percentage they could through a straw. It was about this stage that Tilby began displaying his testicles to anyone that was interested, and indeed, many that weren't. In a physics experiment, me and someone else managed to lift Dan directly from the first floor to the second floor without bothering with any of that pesky stair business. I piggybacked Karen up the stairs. I piggybacked Karen around the house. Was informed drama had occurred. Entered elder brother mode. Charged through Hagley Park yelling "Daaaaaaaaaan!" at the top of my lungs - giggled drunkenly to myself at general ridiculousness of life. Yelled "Khaaaaaaaan!" once for variety. Got drama sorted. Walked back to Bailey's place. Spent some time kissing some girl. That turned out pretty well. Emerged blinking into the light at 11am next day along with several other cast members, all finally booted from the house by Bailey's aggrieved flat mates. Went to pack-out.
Little Shop of Horrors, 2005
Ease slowly into party with gentle game of horse races. Best drinking game ever. Bet 20 drinks on diamonds - diamonds loses. Bet 20 drinks on diamonds again - diamonds loses. Bet 20 drinks on diamonds a third time - diamonds loses. Have now consumed something like 7 cans of beer in about 20 minutes. All or nothing - bet 40 drinks on diamonds. Diamonds wins! Do victory dance while dispensing 40 drinks amongst my fellow competitors. So - quite drunk. Investigate kitchen. Discovered by Bailey in pantry cupboard, standing in the dark eating Coco Pops from the box. Party continues. Go outside. Tackle some bushes. Fling lawn chair away into the darkness. Lawn chair catches impressively on clothes line and remains suspended. Conclude defunct fridge on lawn needs rolling about a bit. Roll fridge about a bit. Scale fire escape, climb in bathroom window. And then, and then my friends, we invent stair surfing. Tania's flat features wooden, uncarpeted stairs. At bottom of stairs is large window. Using couch cushion in the fashion of hydroslide mat, power head first down stairs. Manage to come to natural halt before powering through window. Nice! New sport proves popular among other partygoers. Demonstrate correct technique. Several make stair runs. Amadeus steps up. Technique all wrong! Rest of party in hysterics as I stand at the bottom of the stairs screaming "The cushion, Amadeus! For God's sake, HOLD ON TO THE CUSHION!" (now something of a catchphrase in certain select circles). Amadeus, however, is incapable or unwilling to hold onto the cushion - he has invented a new, extreme version of the sport. Those of us eager to prove ourselves um, idiots, now take it in turns to superman head first (face down, arms out) down the flight of (uncarpeted, wooden) stairs. Scientists need look no further than this evening for evidence of the effects of alcohol as a painkiller. Ribs eventually implore me to stop. Upstairs to have Mushnik beard shaved off, leaving only handlebar moustache. Tania takes one look at this and declares I am secretly a porn star named "Jimmy Nailer". Eventually crash in giant bed with Calum, Pru and Tania. Karen calls to ascertain my whereabouts and my phone battery dies before I can inform her I am in bed with Tania, my cousin and a lesbian. Good times. Next day: hungover, oh yes. Tania wins biggest, nastiest, most purple rib bruise contest amongst stiff competition.
The Fiend, 2005
Party occurs next door to house full of bogans. Their party is similar to ours, but has more knife fights on front lawn. Bogans obviously attempting to chastise each other. Police turn out in force. Then, police turn out in more force and riot gear. Our party attempts to remain a bit less conspicuous - not so much a problem as we are inside listening to 3 hour presentation ceremony. Tilby emotional. Everybody emotional. I attempt to rectify this situation at least a bit by sniping away with one liners from the corner occasionally. The absolute archetypal example of the Luke Di Somma post show speech occurs, with the words "fabulous" and "talented" being pulled out approximately 16,000 times each. Dan and I are caught up in a slightly weird conversation in which we are asked if our younger brother is an arsehole or not. We adjourn to the roof. Words exchanged with few remaining bogans, their party now thoroughly broken up my police action. Poke my head over the fence, am informed by junior Fred Durst clone, apropos of nothing at all, that "this is how we roll!". Burst out laughing. Have beer bottle thrown in my direction. Mass mission heads to McDonald's at approximately 6:30am. While walking down Riccarton Road, see hedge that looks good for throwing myself into. Bound into someone's front yard, take running leap off picnic table or something and fly into top of hedge Fosbury Flop style, arse first. Hedge proves unexpectedly resilient. Rather than yielding to my attack, it bounces my flying arse up, and I roll completely over the hedge and fall face first a metre and half onto the concrete footpath. Ow, my knees. Hobble to McDonald's, eat. Catch bus to go home. Wake up in the middle of some kind of conversation with someone. It is the bus driver. Realise I am talking complete drunken dreamy bollocks. Look up, find myself in Linwood. Apologise to bus driver, who is very understanding. Suggests I stay on the bus, as it is reaching the outermost point of its outward journey and is headed back to town. Do so. Total time to bus home: 3 and a half hours.
Threesome, 2005
Failing to be involved in this Threesome in any way, weirdly, I decide the least I can do is go to the after party. Do so. Get a Mintie despite non-involvement for creation of the line "wank me a river". Suddenly overcome by unreasonable hatred of Milk Arrowroot biscuits. Violently stomp all over packet on kitchen floor, Charles Napier in Supervixens style (to later non-amusement of Jo, discovering powdered Milk Arrowroot tracked throughout house). Wear beer box on head (natch). Wander around outside a bit, discover empty unused coal bin with lid outside. Climb in. Discovered by Pru. Pru and I discuss all manner of bollocks inside the coal bin for a while. Eventually we realise we need more to drink. Attempt to raise lid to climb out and fetch a beverage. Lid not budging. Other partygoers have placed large concrete weights on it. Pru and I talk more bollocks. Need for drink becomes desperate! I feebly attempt to raise it, and fail miserably. Begin to consider possible benefits and drawbacks of new life in the coal bin with Pru. Pru reaches up, powers lid up and concrete weights off with one mighty thrust. Am impressed.
Catch 22, 2007
Existing only as a sensational theoretical concept until this point, the Voltron is pioneered by yours truly, a great honour. Feed the Voltron to many partygoers. Pioneer the Double Voltron. Rob Enari I think, then Dave, pioneer the Single Vessel Voltron. Gods. Become first man in history to have a Triple Voltron. Survive. Abby turns cannibal. Bites an extraordinary number of people. Not content merely with leaving teeth marks in people's arms, she begins an ongoing beer / water fight. Karen, somewhat concerned by how drunk Abby is, attempts to bring her glasses of water. Poor strategic move. Have glass of water thrown on me my Abby. Have bottle of beer emptied on me by Abby. In fact, Nic, Tim and myself are all bitten / soaked by Abby. Beer bottle ends up in washing machine somehow in the middle of all this, to later annoyance of Todd's hapless flatmate. Crash uncomfortably on floor, stoically go to pack out at 9 or so after about 2 hours sleep.
Trainspotting, 2007
Another crash - decide that voting to put the show on is a good enough excuse to show up at the party. Good decision. The first after party I have ever attended without receiving a Mintie. Fails to prevent me getting rather drunk. Lead the shower cram - we set what I believe is a new record. Consider number of open Weetbix packets on top of fridge to be ridiculous. Hiff one out 4th story window (rather guilty about that. Must buy Alex some more Weetbix.) Have flash of inspiration. 4th floor = 4 flights of stairs. Lead mass stair surfing. Results in entire party giggling raucously in a pile in a small area at the bottom of the stairs. Back upstairs. Ludicrous conversation with Damo, Andrew, Fi and Dave about Admiral Ackbar and Anthony Anderson. Andrew held down and tickled mercilessly. Fi captured in fireman's lift and spun. Still too many Weetbix on fridge, damnit! Second packet shares fate of the first. Accept offer of lift home from Damo - discover unexpected pear in back seat. Eat delicious pair, with commentary. Write name and messages with pear on car window. Rest of the vehicle in hysterics for some reason.
Threesome, 2007
After party tonight, Matt and Jeff's house. Be good to see you there.
P.S: Where and when did we start the shower cram? Anyone? I've lost it in the mists of time and alcohol.
Started out amusingly with sheer amount of fury a certain director had towards Rob, Nick and Dan's final night trick of appearing as surprise backup singers in the Turtle Soup song - I believe the phrase "It ruined the whole show" was pulled out. Before long people were sitting in the hallway tightly clustered around bowls of Icebreaker, competing to drink the largest percentage they could through a straw. It was about this stage that Tilby began displaying his testicles to anyone that was interested, and indeed, many that weren't. In a physics experiment, me and someone else managed to lift Dan directly from the first floor to the second floor without bothering with any of that pesky stair business. I piggybacked Karen up the stairs. I piggybacked Karen around the house. Was informed drama had occurred. Entered elder brother mode. Charged through Hagley Park yelling "Daaaaaaaaaan!" at the top of my lungs - giggled drunkenly to myself at general ridiculousness of life. Yelled "Khaaaaaaaan!" once for variety. Got drama sorted. Walked back to Bailey's place. Spent some time kissing some girl. That turned out pretty well. Emerged blinking into the light at 11am next day along with several other cast members, all finally booted from the house by Bailey's aggrieved flat mates. Went to pack-out.
Little Shop of Horrors, 2005
Ease slowly into party with gentle game of horse races. Best drinking game ever. Bet 20 drinks on diamonds - diamonds loses. Bet 20 drinks on diamonds again - diamonds loses. Bet 20 drinks on diamonds a third time - diamonds loses. Have now consumed something like 7 cans of beer in about 20 minutes. All or nothing - bet 40 drinks on diamonds. Diamonds wins! Do victory dance while dispensing 40 drinks amongst my fellow competitors. So - quite drunk. Investigate kitchen. Discovered by Bailey in pantry cupboard, standing in the dark eating Coco Pops from the box. Party continues. Go outside. Tackle some bushes. Fling lawn chair away into the darkness. Lawn chair catches impressively on clothes line and remains suspended. Conclude defunct fridge on lawn needs rolling about a bit. Roll fridge about a bit. Scale fire escape, climb in bathroom window. And then, and then my friends, we invent stair surfing. Tania's flat features wooden, uncarpeted stairs. At bottom of stairs is large window. Using couch cushion in the fashion of hydroslide mat, power head first down stairs. Manage to come to natural halt before powering through window. Nice! New sport proves popular among other partygoers. Demonstrate correct technique. Several make stair runs. Amadeus steps up. Technique all wrong! Rest of party in hysterics as I stand at the bottom of the stairs screaming "The cushion, Amadeus! For God's sake, HOLD ON TO THE CUSHION!" (now something of a catchphrase in certain select circles). Amadeus, however, is incapable or unwilling to hold onto the cushion - he has invented a new, extreme version of the sport. Those of us eager to prove ourselves um, idiots, now take it in turns to superman head first (face down, arms out) down the flight of (uncarpeted, wooden) stairs. Scientists need look no further than this evening for evidence of the effects of alcohol as a painkiller. Ribs eventually implore me to stop. Upstairs to have Mushnik beard shaved off, leaving only handlebar moustache. Tania takes one look at this and declares I am secretly a porn star named "Jimmy Nailer". Eventually crash in giant bed with Calum, Pru and Tania. Karen calls to ascertain my whereabouts and my phone battery dies before I can inform her I am in bed with Tania, my cousin and a lesbian. Good times. Next day: hungover, oh yes. Tania wins biggest, nastiest, most purple rib bruise contest amongst stiff competition.
The Fiend, 2005
Party occurs next door to house full of bogans. Their party is similar to ours, but has more knife fights on front lawn. Bogans obviously attempting to chastise each other. Police turn out in force. Then, police turn out in more force and riot gear. Our party attempts to remain a bit less conspicuous - not so much a problem as we are inside listening to 3 hour presentation ceremony. Tilby emotional. Everybody emotional. I attempt to rectify this situation at least a bit by sniping away with one liners from the corner occasionally. The absolute archetypal example of the Luke Di Somma post show speech occurs, with the words "fabulous" and "talented" being pulled out approximately 16,000 times each. Dan and I are caught up in a slightly weird conversation in which we are asked if our younger brother is an arsehole or not. We adjourn to the roof. Words exchanged with few remaining bogans, their party now thoroughly broken up my police action. Poke my head over the fence, am informed by junior Fred Durst clone, apropos of nothing at all, that "this is how we roll!". Burst out laughing. Have beer bottle thrown in my direction. Mass mission heads to McDonald's at approximately 6:30am. While walking down Riccarton Road, see hedge that looks good for throwing myself into. Bound into someone's front yard, take running leap off picnic table or something and fly into top of hedge Fosbury Flop style, arse first. Hedge proves unexpectedly resilient. Rather than yielding to my attack, it bounces my flying arse up, and I roll completely over the hedge and fall face first a metre and half onto the concrete footpath. Ow, my knees. Hobble to McDonald's, eat. Catch bus to go home. Wake up in the middle of some kind of conversation with someone. It is the bus driver. Realise I am talking complete drunken dreamy bollocks. Look up, find myself in Linwood. Apologise to bus driver, who is very understanding. Suggests I stay on the bus, as it is reaching the outermost point of its outward journey and is headed back to town. Do so. Total time to bus home: 3 and a half hours.
Threesome, 2005
Failing to be involved in this Threesome in any way, weirdly, I decide the least I can do is go to the after party. Do so. Get a Mintie despite non-involvement for creation of the line "wank me a river". Suddenly overcome by unreasonable hatred of Milk Arrowroot biscuits. Violently stomp all over packet on kitchen floor, Charles Napier in Supervixens style (to later non-amusement of Jo, discovering powdered Milk Arrowroot tracked throughout house). Wear beer box on head (natch). Wander around outside a bit, discover empty unused coal bin with lid outside. Climb in. Discovered by Pru. Pru and I discuss all manner of bollocks inside the coal bin for a while. Eventually we realise we need more to drink. Attempt to raise lid to climb out and fetch a beverage. Lid not budging. Other partygoers have placed large concrete weights on it. Pru and I talk more bollocks. Need for drink becomes desperate! I feebly attempt to raise it, and fail miserably. Begin to consider possible benefits and drawbacks of new life in the coal bin with Pru. Pru reaches up, powers lid up and concrete weights off with one mighty thrust. Am impressed.
Catch 22, 2007
Existing only as a sensational theoretical concept until this point, the Voltron is pioneered by yours truly, a great honour. Feed the Voltron to many partygoers. Pioneer the Double Voltron. Rob Enari I think, then Dave, pioneer the Single Vessel Voltron. Gods. Become first man in history to have a Triple Voltron. Survive. Abby turns cannibal. Bites an extraordinary number of people. Not content merely with leaving teeth marks in people's arms, she begins an ongoing beer / water fight. Karen, somewhat concerned by how drunk Abby is, attempts to bring her glasses of water. Poor strategic move. Have glass of water thrown on me my Abby. Have bottle of beer emptied on me by Abby. In fact, Nic, Tim and myself are all bitten / soaked by Abby. Beer bottle ends up in washing machine somehow in the middle of all this, to later annoyance of Todd's hapless flatmate. Crash uncomfortably on floor, stoically go to pack out at 9 or so after about 2 hours sleep.
Trainspotting, 2007
Another crash - decide that voting to put the show on is a good enough excuse to show up at the party. Good decision. The first after party I have ever attended without receiving a Mintie. Fails to prevent me getting rather drunk. Lead the shower cram - we set what I believe is a new record. Consider number of open Weetbix packets on top of fridge to be ridiculous. Hiff one out 4th story window (rather guilty about that. Must buy Alex some more Weetbix.) Have flash of inspiration. 4th floor = 4 flights of stairs. Lead mass stair surfing. Results in entire party giggling raucously in a pile in a small area at the bottom of the stairs. Back upstairs. Ludicrous conversation with Damo, Andrew, Fi and Dave about Admiral Ackbar and Anthony Anderson. Andrew held down and tickled mercilessly. Fi captured in fireman's lift and spun. Still too many Weetbix on fridge, damnit! Second packet shares fate of the first. Accept offer of lift home from Damo - discover unexpected pear in back seat. Eat delicious pair, with commentary. Write name and messages with pear on car window. Rest of the vehicle in hysterics for some reason.
Threesome, 2007
After party tonight, Matt and Jeff's house. Be good to see you there.
P.S: Where and when did we start the shower cram? Anyone? I've lost it in the mists of time and alcohol.