Lessons I have learned thus far....
We're all very aware that Nicole Stannard is a flystrip for idiots. So much so that my best girl Amy and I are going to write a book about how to avoid said idiots. While every idiot is different, there are a few characteristics that idiots have, which make them idiots.
Lesson # 1: If a guy claims to have more than ONE (1) psycho girlfriend, then theres a problem. Every male is allowed ONE (1) psycho who accidentally entered their life. Usually, if the girl is truly a psycho...then the male is so traumatized he is very careful in choosing his next partner. In fact, he may not ever date again living a life in the seminary. Depending on age, TWO (2) psycho exes may be allowable.
But if a guy states that several of his exes were psycho, or (my favorite) "went crazy on me", we've got a fucking problem. Either a) he's a magnet for crazies, like he wants to "help" these girls OR (more likely in my experience) b) he is leaving out some major information, namely, the fact he contributed to their psycho-ness. It's a conversation killer.
Example: Girl " Why did you and your ex break up?"
Long version: " Well, she was hot when we started, but then she wanted to talk and shit and I wasn't down with that. So I rarely called her unless I was drunk and wanted some. I did tell her I loved her a few times, but thats just when I thought she was mad at me. Anyway, I didn't call her back one night when we were supposed to go out and ended up taking the bartender home. She found out and dumped my sorry ass"
***** Short version ****** : "She turned psycho on me."
Side note: If a guy has several of these psycho exes, don't be surprised if you too are thrown in the "psycho" category when you find out they suck and inform them of this.
Lesson # 2: If you date a guy for longer than a couple of months and you haven't met his friends...you're not his girlfriend. Or he doesn't have friends. Either scenario requires a lot of thought on your part on whether you want to date someone who won't acknowledge they're dating you...or someone who has no friends (see Lesson #3). Don't take it personally. At least you have friends who will be seen with you in public (well, most of you).
Lesson # 3: Try not to date psychos. Just a tip from me to you. If they don't have many friends, havea collection of samurai swords in their closet and the "A-Z guide to serial killers" is on their night stand...you *may* be dating a psycho. Fake diarrhea and get the fuck out of there.
Lesson # 4: Just avoid uniforms. This is coming from the girl who has dated 8 (eight) firemen (my quilt is almost done) 2 cops, and 1 sailor. I don't feel the need to explain myself on this one. You can ask me later.
Lesson # 5: If you're single, the chances of your ex coming back into your life is huge. It's almost like they have a radar informing them that you're happy. So they decide they want you back and tell you that, and you're back together for eight hours....oh shit...they're getting married next summer. He completely forgot.... and no matter your reaction to this information...you just turned psycho on him.
Lesson #6: If mutual acquaintances find out you are dating each other, and respond with an awkward "ooohhhhh...um...good for you" they're not jealous. They are trying to figure out the politically correct way to tell you your boyfriend sucks.
REAL LIFE EXAMPLE: Me: "Oh, yeah, me and him have been hanging out a lot lately."
Person: "Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh, like dating?"
Me: " I guess so, I like him."
Person: " Well." :::weird face grimace::: "I hope it works out."
SEVERAL MONTHS LATER
Me; " It turned out that he was an idiot."
Person: "Well, yeah I knew that...he did X, Y, and Z to so and so."
Me: "Why didn't you tell me?!?!?!"
Person: " Well, I didn't want you to get mad at me...I thought the look on my face told you I didn't like him."
Me: "I thought you were going to sneeze."
DOUBLE POINTS if your close friend outright says "I would advise you NOT to date him."
Lesson # 7: If you think he's lying to you, he is. If it doesn't add up, its because you don't know all the facts.
Lesson #8 : (From Amy) If a guy drops the L bomb (I love you) after six weeks, immediately drop to the floor and fake a seizure. When you awake, pretend you don't remember anything that happened ten minutes before you started to shake. Some girls might think its sweet, but its not. Its creepy.
Lesson # 9: MOST IMPORTANT LESSON OF ALL. If you think the guy is a shmuck upon meeting him. He is. Gut reactions are rarely wrong.
That is all. On my way to yet *another* wedding.
Lesson # 1: If a guy claims to have more than ONE (1) psycho girlfriend, then theres a problem. Every male is allowed ONE (1) psycho who accidentally entered their life. Usually, if the girl is truly a psycho...then the male is so traumatized he is very careful in choosing his next partner. In fact, he may not ever date again living a life in the seminary. Depending on age, TWO (2) psycho exes may be allowable.
But if a guy states that several of his exes were psycho, or (my favorite) "went crazy on me", we've got a fucking problem. Either a) he's a magnet for crazies, like he wants to "help" these girls OR (more likely in my experience) b) he is leaving out some major information, namely, the fact he contributed to their psycho-ness. It's a conversation killer.
Example: Girl " Why did you and your ex break up?"
Long version: " Well, she was hot when we started, but then she wanted to talk and shit and I wasn't down with that. So I rarely called her unless I was drunk and wanted some. I did tell her I loved her a few times, but thats just when I thought she was mad at me. Anyway, I didn't call her back one night when we were supposed to go out and ended up taking the bartender home. She found out and dumped my sorry ass"
***** Short version ****** : "She turned psycho on me."
Side note: If a guy has several of these psycho exes, don't be surprised if you too are thrown in the "psycho" category when you find out they suck and inform them of this.
Lesson # 2: If you date a guy for longer than a couple of months and you haven't met his friends...you're not his girlfriend. Or he doesn't have friends. Either scenario requires a lot of thought on your part on whether you want to date someone who won't acknowledge they're dating you...or someone who has no friends (see Lesson #3). Don't take it personally. At least you have friends who will be seen with you in public (well, most of you).
Lesson # 3: Try not to date psychos. Just a tip from me to you. If they don't have many friends, havea collection of samurai swords in their closet and the "A-Z guide to serial killers" is on their night stand...you *may* be dating a psycho. Fake diarrhea and get the fuck out of there.
Lesson # 4: Just avoid uniforms. This is coming from the girl who has dated 8 (eight) firemen (my quilt is almost done) 2 cops, and 1 sailor. I don't feel the need to explain myself on this one. You can ask me later.
Lesson # 5: If you're single, the chances of your ex coming back into your life is huge. It's almost like they have a radar informing them that you're happy. So they decide they want you back and tell you that, and you're back together for eight hours....oh shit...they're getting married next summer. He completely forgot.... and no matter your reaction to this information...you just turned psycho on him.
Lesson #6: If mutual acquaintances find out you are dating each other, and respond with an awkward "ooohhhhh...um...good for you" they're not jealous. They are trying to figure out the politically correct way to tell you your boyfriend sucks.
REAL LIFE EXAMPLE: Me: "Oh, yeah, me and him have been hanging out a lot lately."
Person: "Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh, like dating?"
Me: " I guess so, I like him."
Person: " Well." :::weird face grimace::: "I hope it works out."
SEVERAL MONTHS LATER
Me; " It turned out that he was an idiot."
Person: "Well, yeah I knew that...he did X, Y, and Z to so and so."
Me: "Why didn't you tell me?!?!?!"
Person: " Well, I didn't want you to get mad at me...I thought the look on my face told you I didn't like him."
Me: "I thought you were going to sneeze."
DOUBLE POINTS if your close friend outright says "I would advise you NOT to date him."
Lesson # 7: If you think he's lying to you, he is. If it doesn't add up, its because you don't know all the facts.
Lesson #8 : (From Amy) If a guy drops the L bomb (I love you) after six weeks, immediately drop to the floor and fake a seizure. When you awake, pretend you don't remember anything that happened ten minutes before you started to shake. Some girls might think its sweet, but its not. Its creepy.
Lesson # 9: MOST IMPORTANT LESSON OF ALL. If you think the guy is a shmuck upon meeting him. He is. Gut reactions are rarely wrong.
That is all. On my way to yet *another* wedding.