Fat day or Fat Millenium
First off, I'd like to start by saying, this little post isnt me fishing for compliments,
it's far from it. I dont care if you think I'm hot, or you think I look the good the way I am, or whatever..
so keep the compliments or the put downs to yourself, and read on. Maybe youll learn alittle something about me.
Okay, so....
I'm not one to usually bitch about my looks, I'm fairly okay with the fact that I am a chubby girl, a fat ass, a tub-o-lard. Whatever, I'm hot, get over it. But there are days that I sit here going "ugh..". As of late I feel like the least attractive person one earth, every time I look in the mirror, I see all of these flaws. I mean this is how its always been, but as of late its gotten worse, when I look in the mirror I see a girl that ways 300 lbs, I see nothing but hideous flaws, my breasts arent perkys, my ribs stick out more than they should, my hips are to big..you name it.
And I stop and wonder to myself, why in gods name does anyone find me attractive?
Or do they actually find me attractive at all? Is this why i'm single? Because i'm too fat?
I think I'm teetering on the edge of falling back into my 'unhealthy diet habits",
which sort of scares me. You see,I have body dismorphia,where some people see physical flaws, like a big nose, big feet, to skinny, etc, I have severe weight issues, I flucuate ALOT. A year and a half ago I went through a point of starvation, went from 220 to 150, in a very unhealthy way...I was obsessing. I went back up to 165 and while i'm not totally on a perfectly healthy diet, I am way more careful about what I do/eat/drink than I used to be. People with body dismorphia have a lot of problems, eating disorders, depression, anxiety, severe insecurities, etc.
People like me, who are constantly unsure of how they really look, tend to get extremely paranoid about their looks. The sad part is I could drop to 120, and still see myself as grossly obese....and odds are..it wouldnt be good enough..i'd want to lose more...thats what I went through in columbia...and I still have points where I think "hey.....I could do it again"....but....I dont tell people about it often..because its sick.
Even worse? The only thing that has EVER kept me from purging, is my teeth. I have always had weak teeth (they are not my strong point), and the idea of destroying them even more. Cant be skinny AND beautiful with out it all. Yeah, welcome to my head, I'm insecure as hell and have a lot of physical issues. I'm not one of those kids that will bitch "I'm fat" and do nothing about it. But..you can ask my room-mate, I looked gross last year.......
welcome to body dismorphia..
welcome to eating disorders..
welcome to my vanity.
its not just skinny people that have them.
No matter what I do,
I hate the skin I am living in.
-me
it's far from it. I dont care if you think I'm hot, or you think I look the good the way I am, or whatever..
so keep the compliments or the put downs to yourself, and read on. Maybe youll learn alittle something about me.
Okay, so....
I'm not one to usually bitch about my looks, I'm fairly okay with the fact that I am a chubby girl, a fat ass, a tub-o-lard. Whatever, I'm hot, get over it. But there are days that I sit here going "ugh..". As of late I feel like the least attractive person one earth, every time I look in the mirror, I see all of these flaws. I mean this is how its always been, but as of late its gotten worse, when I look in the mirror I see a girl that ways 300 lbs, I see nothing but hideous flaws, my breasts arent perkys, my ribs stick out more than they should, my hips are to big..you name it.
And I stop and wonder to myself, why in gods name does anyone find me attractive?
Or do they actually find me attractive at all? Is this why i'm single? Because i'm too fat?
I think I'm teetering on the edge of falling back into my 'unhealthy diet habits",
which sort of scares me. You see,I have body dismorphia,where some people see physical flaws, like a big nose, big feet, to skinny, etc, I have severe weight issues, I flucuate ALOT. A year and a half ago I went through a point of starvation, went from 220 to 150, in a very unhealthy way...I was obsessing. I went back up to 165 and while i'm not totally on a perfectly healthy diet, I am way more careful about what I do/eat/drink than I used to be. People with body dismorphia have a lot of problems, eating disorders, depression, anxiety, severe insecurities, etc.
People like me, who are constantly unsure of how they really look, tend to get extremely paranoid about their looks. The sad part is I could drop to 120, and still see myself as grossly obese....and odds are..it wouldnt be good enough..i'd want to lose more...thats what I went through in columbia...and I still have points where I think "hey.....I could do it again"....but....I dont tell people about it often..because its sick.
Even worse? The only thing that has EVER kept me from purging, is my teeth. I have always had weak teeth (they are not my strong point), and the idea of destroying them even more. Cant be skinny AND beautiful with out it all. Yeah, welcome to my head, I'm insecure as hell and have a lot of physical issues. I'm not one of those kids that will bitch "I'm fat" and do nothing about it. But..you can ask my room-mate, I looked gross last year.......
welcome to body dismorphia..
welcome to eating disorders..
welcome to my vanity.
its not just skinny people that have them.
No matter what I do,
I hate the skin I am living in.
-me