glad to see somethings never change...

[if_i_fall]

arguing with my mother is like running in circles. it never goes anywhere. so thats why for a while now i stay away. im only around when im expected to be. i get out of the house as often as possible. i figure that if the two of us can't seem to get along the best thing to do is limit contact. but then again...why wouldn't she have a problem with that? there's a problem with everything

i don't do enough around the house
i don't help
i don't clean up after myself
im nasty to everyone
i make everyone uncomfortable

i don't leave my room...so there's not much to clean up after. i help when asked. i don't talk much cause i don't know what to say. she's not the only one uncomfortable in her own home. its hard to get comfortable in a place that constantly reminds you of the bad decisions you've made.

my closest friends have noticed me cleaning up my life. putting things in order and getting my priorities straight. people tell me that im so much happier than i was say two weeks ago. but that bad feelings i had to deal with come back whenever i come home. i can't blame just my mother. i know i don't help some situations. but there is only so much a person can do. and everything i do just isn't right for her. if i do everything that had to be done in the kitchen...i didn't do something right in the living room. im 19 and im arguing with my mother about chores. its really starting to take a toll on me...physically. im sick to my stomach when im home. im convinced she thrives off the fighting. she gets the attention she needs out of it.

i've realized today that im not gonna be genuinely happy at home. that i just have to stick it out and pretend for a little while longer. when school is over and when i have a job i'll be able to make myself happy and get out.

for now i'll get my fun and smiles with my friends...