(no subject)
Harrison,
I'm sitting at your house right now, definately wishing that you were here. Jay has already driven by about 5 times, and called and talked to your mom. She told him I wasn't here. I feel so sick to my stomach right now. I wish you would have stayed home instead of leaving. It was really good to talk to you even if it wasn't for that long, but still, I made a big sacrifice by coming here and making my parents worry to death, and then you leave 15 minutes later. I'm not mad... just a little upset. I miss you so much that it's giving me a headache. You looked so beautiful when I saw you, even if you did smell like smoke. I could barely even look at you and it was all because you're gorgeous. Me and your mom talked for the longest time... mostly about you. Neither one of us could figure out why you'd leave, especially since you wouldn't leave for anything on Monday. We talked a lot about drugs and everything else, and it was a good conversation even though it was a little heartbreaking. I want to ask you something, and I really hope that you'll be 100% honest with me. What did you do to come home like that? I really don't know if I believe that you were just drunk, because I know that no one i've ever seen acts like that when they're drunk. Especially when your mom told me how you were acting. It was so scary. If you did something else, please just tell me. Anyway, I feel so very sick that I could probably puke if I actually thought about what's happening right now. I really dislike my mom, but I feel bad for making her worry like this. I guess I really do have a heart after all. If I could just hug you right now, it would probably take off some of the stress. I guess i'll just talk to you about what i'm thinking instead. Baby, are you going to stop doing drugs? I don't think you understand how scary it is to be the person watching you do them. Not only is it heartbreaking, but it's terrifying. I worry so much about you, and I know that you could stop if you wanted to, but I just don't know if you really want to. I hope so, but if not, then I guess i'll just have to live with it because I love you more than anything in this world. Everytime I look out this stupid window, it seems like there's one more car going by that I recognize. Maybe i'm just paranoid. I can't help but be paranoid in a situation like this. I really hope my parents don't have people patrolling by, because I don't know how i'm getting out of here. Oh yeah, there was something else I wanted to ask you. I hope you're honest about it. When we were, well you know, Monday, when you stopped and had to beat it for a few seconds, was that because I looked so bad that you couldn't keep it up? If that's the case, then don't feel bad for thinking that because I really don't blame you. I'll do my best to look better though if you just tell me what you don't like. Make sure you mention it to me though because I want to know. Also, if anything happened between you and any of those girls you were with, please tell me. Anyway, i'm sitting here trying to figure out what i'm going to do... Maybe I should just stay the night here and go to school in the morning. I should probably get someone to call my parents though because i'm sure they're worried sick about me. I have no idea!!! While i'm thinking about it, i'll tell you what I was going to do tonight instead of coming here. I really wanted to call up Amy and get her to drop me off in Huntsville. Nothing good happens in Huntsville as we all know. I was going to do all of that until I really thought about it. I couldn't think of one good thing that could happen, and so I decided to come here where it was safe. I knew i'd be sitting here until you got home, so it's good you got here so quick. I probably would have lost my mind if I had to wait any longer. I was already almost at the point of a breakdown. I kind of felt bad for coming here, like I said, because it's making my parents worry, but I knew that it was either here or somewhere that i'd get myself into a lot more trouble... and so I think I made the right decision. I needed you more than anything too. I knew I had to be here, and so I did what I had to do. I'll be back later though, i'm about to go talk to your mom and see what I should do next.
Love always,
Rachael
Okay, I'm back. I think your mom and I came up with a pretty good plan. She's talking to Donna right now, and I think we're telling my mom that I was with her. That sounds a lot better because i'll just calmly explain to my mom that I needed someone to talk to, and I know that Donna is a very nice, Christian lady even though she just got out of jail (haha) and that she told me I could come stay with her for a little while. Whew that's a lot of stress off of my shoudlers. I'm probably not going to be here when you get home though, so that's why i'm writing you so much. Not just that, I just had a lot to tell you anyway. I do think you were kind of exaggerating about me lying and cheating on you the whole time, because you know that it hasn't always been this way. All it was, was me craving attention and looking in the wrong place for it. It never had anything to do with you not being good enough, or me not loving you enough. I love you more than anything else in this world, and I don't know how much more clear I can make it. I really really really want to be with you, but one thing I know for sure is that we won't be together until we get our lives straightened out. I'll be the first one to admit that i've turned my back on God, because I felt like he didn't care about me. I kept questioning him and asking him why he could bring all of these horrible things into my life, but I know now that it's all my fault. I guess i'm just so stubborn that I need something huge to get me back on track. In all truthfullness, I know that God is the only way, and I know that it would only be a huge waste of my time to try to go about life any other way. I hope that you know all of this too, because I would hate to see you stay on this hard road. I want nothing more in this world than for us to be together, and for God to approve. I promise you that I will pray for you like no one else on this earth has, if you promise me that you'll pray for me. One thing i've realized is that it isn't my job to make you read your bible or go to church regularly or any of that. I heard something on the radio about it. It's the holy spirit's job, and I have to leave it to him. It's the same with you... it's not your job to tell me how to have a walk with Christ, it's something that he will reveal to me and teach me. I have no idea if this is making any sense, but basically my point is that as long as you have the right heart, and as long as you genuinely WANT to change, then I will be right here praying for you and lifting you up as best as I can. That's all I want from you. I love you so so so so much Harrison, and nothing will ever change that. I'll always be here for you. Anyway, sorry i've been rambling on so much, I just needed to talk some things out. Your mom and I are about to leave, so I guess I need to finish...
Please don't ever doubt that I love you. Also, please write back, and call me in the morning. Don't forget to block the number, because I can't promise that my mom won't be home with a nervous breakdown. Call though, and block it.
Talk to you later, my love.
Rachael
I'm sitting at your house right now, definately wishing that you were here. Jay has already driven by about 5 times, and called and talked to your mom. She told him I wasn't here. I feel so sick to my stomach right now. I wish you would have stayed home instead of leaving. It was really good to talk to you even if it wasn't for that long, but still, I made a big sacrifice by coming here and making my parents worry to death, and then you leave 15 minutes later. I'm not mad... just a little upset. I miss you so much that it's giving me a headache. You looked so beautiful when I saw you, even if you did smell like smoke. I could barely even look at you and it was all because you're gorgeous. Me and your mom talked for the longest time... mostly about you. Neither one of us could figure out why you'd leave, especially since you wouldn't leave for anything on Monday. We talked a lot about drugs and everything else, and it was a good conversation even though it was a little heartbreaking. I want to ask you something, and I really hope that you'll be 100% honest with me. What did you do to come home like that? I really don't know if I believe that you were just drunk, because I know that no one i've ever seen acts like that when they're drunk. Especially when your mom told me how you were acting. It was so scary. If you did something else, please just tell me. Anyway, I feel so very sick that I could probably puke if I actually thought about what's happening right now. I really dislike my mom, but I feel bad for making her worry like this. I guess I really do have a heart after all. If I could just hug you right now, it would probably take off some of the stress. I guess i'll just talk to you about what i'm thinking instead. Baby, are you going to stop doing drugs? I don't think you understand how scary it is to be the person watching you do them. Not only is it heartbreaking, but it's terrifying. I worry so much about you, and I know that you could stop if you wanted to, but I just don't know if you really want to. I hope so, but if not, then I guess i'll just have to live with it because I love you more than anything in this world. Everytime I look out this stupid window, it seems like there's one more car going by that I recognize. Maybe i'm just paranoid. I can't help but be paranoid in a situation like this. I really hope my parents don't have people patrolling by, because I don't know how i'm getting out of here. Oh yeah, there was something else I wanted to ask you. I hope you're honest about it. When we were, well you know, Monday, when you stopped and had to beat it for a few seconds, was that because I looked so bad that you couldn't keep it up? If that's the case, then don't feel bad for thinking that because I really don't blame you. I'll do my best to look better though if you just tell me what you don't like. Make sure you mention it to me though because I want to know. Also, if anything happened between you and any of those girls you were with, please tell me. Anyway, i'm sitting here trying to figure out what i'm going to do... Maybe I should just stay the night here and go to school in the morning. I should probably get someone to call my parents though because i'm sure they're worried sick about me. I have no idea!!! While i'm thinking about it, i'll tell you what I was going to do tonight instead of coming here. I really wanted to call up Amy and get her to drop me off in Huntsville. Nothing good happens in Huntsville as we all know. I was going to do all of that until I really thought about it. I couldn't think of one good thing that could happen, and so I decided to come here where it was safe. I knew i'd be sitting here until you got home, so it's good you got here so quick. I probably would have lost my mind if I had to wait any longer. I was already almost at the point of a breakdown. I kind of felt bad for coming here, like I said, because it's making my parents worry, but I knew that it was either here or somewhere that i'd get myself into a lot more trouble... and so I think I made the right decision. I needed you more than anything too. I knew I had to be here, and so I did what I had to do. I'll be back later though, i'm about to go talk to your mom and see what I should do next.
Love always,
Rachael
Okay, I'm back. I think your mom and I came up with a pretty good plan. She's talking to Donna right now, and I think we're telling my mom that I was with her. That sounds a lot better because i'll just calmly explain to my mom that I needed someone to talk to, and I know that Donna is a very nice, Christian lady even though she just got out of jail (haha) and that she told me I could come stay with her for a little while. Whew that's a lot of stress off of my shoudlers. I'm probably not going to be here when you get home though, so that's why i'm writing you so much. Not just that, I just had a lot to tell you anyway. I do think you were kind of exaggerating about me lying and cheating on you the whole time, because you know that it hasn't always been this way. All it was, was me craving attention and looking in the wrong place for it. It never had anything to do with you not being good enough, or me not loving you enough. I love you more than anything else in this world, and I don't know how much more clear I can make it. I really really really want to be with you, but one thing I know for sure is that we won't be together until we get our lives straightened out. I'll be the first one to admit that i've turned my back on God, because I felt like he didn't care about me. I kept questioning him and asking him why he could bring all of these horrible things into my life, but I know now that it's all my fault. I guess i'm just so stubborn that I need something huge to get me back on track. In all truthfullness, I know that God is the only way, and I know that it would only be a huge waste of my time to try to go about life any other way. I hope that you know all of this too, because I would hate to see you stay on this hard road. I want nothing more in this world than for us to be together, and for God to approve. I promise you that I will pray for you like no one else on this earth has, if you promise me that you'll pray for me. One thing i've realized is that it isn't my job to make you read your bible or go to church regularly or any of that. I heard something on the radio about it. It's the holy spirit's job, and I have to leave it to him. It's the same with you... it's not your job to tell me how to have a walk with Christ, it's something that he will reveal to me and teach me. I have no idea if this is making any sense, but basically my point is that as long as you have the right heart, and as long as you genuinely WANT to change, then I will be right here praying for you and lifting you up as best as I can. That's all I want from you. I love you so so so so much Harrison, and nothing will ever change that. I'll always be here for you. Anyway, sorry i've been rambling on so much, I just needed to talk some things out. Your mom and I are about to leave, so I guess I need to finish...
Please don't ever doubt that I love you. Also, please write back, and call me in the morning. Don't forget to block the number, because I can't promise that my mom won't be home with a nervous breakdown. Call though, and block it.
Talk to you later, my love.
Rachael