Taken from my blog on myspace...MOVING TO PORTLAND :-D
I feel like I'm finally maturing as an adult. I've noticed that I'm changing as a person. When I was 17 and had moved out of my parent's house and was living with my boyfriend (at the time)...I still had no clue as to who I was. I had no real idea of the world. After we broke up and I moved back in with my folks I was even more confused as to what my destiny would be. I thought I knew it all. I kept saying to my parents, "I lived on my own for 2 years, I know how to take care of myself!" And although part of that was true....I still had no structure in my life. Horrible things kept happening to me...traumatic experiences I'll never forget. However-- I am grateful that due to those experiences I have become the strongest I have ever felt in my entire life. I used to get depressed a lot and keep making mistake after mistake. But THANKS TO MY IMMEDIATE AND ONLY FAMILY...ESPECIALLY my MAMA....I am finally taking responsibility. Their strict rules were needed to help give me structure. Although their rules were way too strict (and I don't agree with some) I can definitely see that it's what I needed. At that precise moment in my life...I needed it. I see the big picture now. Rules such as a curfew (9pm weekdays, 11pm weekends) were a bit extreme for my age.... but thanks to that I now have a regular sleep schedule. I rarely miss work. I've kept the same job for a year and counting. Before my parent's rules, I used to go to sleep at all weird hours...or sometimes not even sleep at all during the night and just sleep during the day. I kept messing up in college.
I mean if only you knew all the rules I had haha. And I definitely challenged them the way a teenager would. But after I analyzed my life and realized that the way I was doing things weren't working....I started to trust my folks a little more. I quit partying so much, and quit threatening to move out and never speak to them again. I started accepting the traumatic experiences that's happened in my life and WORK ON THEM FINALLY. I'm not ashamed to say that I am finally seeing a psychologist. It's definitely not easy. Healing hurts...but it was time to grow as a person. I'm learning to accept my experiences and eventually work on forgiving. Easier said than done. lol but I'm working on it.
And thanks to that....I think I'm finally ready to move out WITHOUT a man and take care of myself. Pay my own bills, pick up after myself and take responsibility.
I find out tomorrow for sure if I get the room in a 4bed house in SW Portland. Things look promising and I would move in this Saturday. I have a lot of money saved up in case anything comes up. I can afford the rent and any unexpected bill not listed in my little binder haha. The house has a bus stop right in front in case my car ever breaks down or the weather is bad. I can take the bus downtown in case I want to have a few drinks on a weekend WITHOUT HAVING TO DRIVE.
I work in a rehabilitation center and I think that motivates me to stay straight. Not only because I'm afraid of getting into legal trouble but because A LOT of clients know me. So if they see me acting dumb in public...it definitely affects my job. I am extremely professional...so I would NEVER want my co-workers or overall organization look bad in any way. I am grateful for the job I have, my co-workers and the excellent and respectful way they treat me. I've been there for over a year and I never get bored. It's motivated me to go into a selfless career one day: Women's Studies. I'm not sure what I'll do yet...but given the huge interest I've always had in that field in college....I think I found my calling. I'm not sure yet what I want to do...but women's studies is a good start. Except, this time when I go back to school I will NOT overwhelm myself again. I'll go slow and take my time. There's no hurry.
I no longer care about what other family members think about me. To me...I have no other family but my mama, papa, sister and brother. Oh and Schwoogie..my big kitty haha. Anybody else is dead to me. They are NOT healthy individuals and they have no business in my family's or my life. They are sick people who need serious counseling. I am nothing like them and I am so glad I am not near them anymore. I won't allow them to hurt me anymore or my family. They can keep their greed, sick incest world. My uncle may be this big shot NASA astronaut who's in the media.....but he is a terrible person who didn't care about hurting his own brother (my dad) myself and everybody else that was affected to keep his "image" clean. They all put up this act as if they're rich and sophisticated people. But all they are is TRASH who will NEVER be happy with themselves. I'm only angry and hurt that they found another way to still hurt my father who did nothing but believe me and protected me, brother, sister and his wife when he found out his father was abusing me. I admire my father like I have never admired anybody else. And I realize that after I post this blog....that I'm going to need to delete my cousins off my friend's list. I also realize that once I do that, I will never ever speak to them again. I am prepared for that. Because in reality...they died in me a long time ago.
It's now that I'm getting older that I am realizing all these things. In no way do I think I know everything. If anything, I know nothing at all about the world haha. The difference now is that I KNOW that...but that I am prepared to grow as a person and finally trust my instincts. And most importantly, never forget those who have been there for me unconditionally: MY FAMILY.
p.s. if you actually got through this whole blog I applaud you! haha
I mean if only you knew all the rules I had haha. And I definitely challenged them the way a teenager would. But after I analyzed my life and realized that the way I was doing things weren't working....I started to trust my folks a little more. I quit partying so much, and quit threatening to move out and never speak to them again. I started accepting the traumatic experiences that's happened in my life and WORK ON THEM FINALLY. I'm not ashamed to say that I am finally seeing a psychologist. It's definitely not easy. Healing hurts...but it was time to grow as a person. I'm learning to accept my experiences and eventually work on forgiving. Easier said than done. lol but I'm working on it.
And thanks to that....I think I'm finally ready to move out WITHOUT a man and take care of myself. Pay my own bills, pick up after myself and take responsibility.
I find out tomorrow for sure if I get the room in a 4bed house in SW Portland. Things look promising and I would move in this Saturday. I have a lot of money saved up in case anything comes up. I can afford the rent and any unexpected bill not listed in my little binder haha. The house has a bus stop right in front in case my car ever breaks down or the weather is bad. I can take the bus downtown in case I want to have a few drinks on a weekend WITHOUT HAVING TO DRIVE.
I work in a rehabilitation center and I think that motivates me to stay straight. Not only because I'm afraid of getting into legal trouble but because A LOT of clients know me. So if they see me acting dumb in public...it definitely affects my job. I am extremely professional...so I would NEVER want my co-workers or overall organization look bad in any way. I am grateful for the job I have, my co-workers and the excellent and respectful way they treat me. I've been there for over a year and I never get bored. It's motivated me to go into a selfless career one day: Women's Studies. I'm not sure what I'll do yet...but given the huge interest I've always had in that field in college....I think I found my calling. I'm not sure yet what I want to do...but women's studies is a good start. Except, this time when I go back to school I will NOT overwhelm myself again. I'll go slow and take my time. There's no hurry.
I no longer care about what other family members think about me. To me...I have no other family but my mama, papa, sister and brother. Oh and Schwoogie..my big kitty haha. Anybody else is dead to me. They are NOT healthy individuals and they have no business in my family's or my life. They are sick people who need serious counseling. I am nothing like them and I am so glad I am not near them anymore. I won't allow them to hurt me anymore or my family. They can keep their greed, sick incest world. My uncle may be this big shot NASA astronaut who's in the media.....but he is a terrible person who didn't care about hurting his own brother (my dad) myself and everybody else that was affected to keep his "image" clean. They all put up this act as if they're rich and sophisticated people. But all they are is TRASH who will NEVER be happy with themselves. I'm only angry and hurt that they found another way to still hurt my father who did nothing but believe me and protected me, brother, sister and his wife when he found out his father was abusing me. I admire my father like I have never admired anybody else. And I realize that after I post this blog....that I'm going to need to delete my cousins off my friend's list. I also realize that once I do that, I will never ever speak to them again. I am prepared for that. Because in reality...they died in me a long time ago.
It's now that I'm getting older that I am realizing all these things. In no way do I think I know everything. If anything, I know nothing at all about the world haha. The difference now is that I KNOW that...but that I am prepared to grow as a person and finally trust my instincts. And most importantly, never forget those who have been there for me unconditionally: MY FAMILY.
p.s. if you actually got through this whole blog I applaud you! haha