thoughts
Hello everyone. I just wanted to let you know that my internet has been down for a while, but it's back up now and I have a new house number and a new cell number. However, due to rather serious circumstances which I can't post on a public entry, if you are a friend of mine who doesn't have my new numbers yet, you'll need to leave me a comment and ask and I'll send them to you personally. If this is the case, DO NOT give my new numbers to ANYONE. Again, there is a very serious reason for this.
I want to say that my Lord has turned my life around yet again.. But I had gotten farther away from Him than I ever have been before. I know for a lot of people, it probably sounds like I mean I was just living the most sinful life and like drinking or sleeping around or doing drugs or something, but in fact, the reality is none of the above. Mainly it was just a few things which I'd rather not mention on a public post, added to the fact that I just wasn't... I don't know how to say it.. I wasn't WORSHIPPING Christ anymore.. Wasn't feeling it.. And even though I had guilt, I was edging on carelessness because I was too ashamed of myself to face God. I figured something out the other night while I was praying.. The reason I didn't want to face God anymore was mainly because I KNOW that I have broken Jesus' heart.. After everything that He has done for me, I don't want to hurt Him anymore.. And I didn't want Him to be disappointed in me again and I didn't want to bother Him anymore with my petty problems and my whiny "Please forgive me.. AGAIN.. I know I'm so horrible.. I'm sorry.." stuff. What I was missing is that it was hurting Him that I was even resisting in the first place.. But I did let myself become cold and even somewhat hard-hearted, and I liked it because I didn't cry and I wasn't vulnerable and it was like I was safe in my stone-wall defenses... But then when Joey died it was the first time I had cried in like forever.. It was like it broke that stone wall around my heart.. And after that there was just so much death until I became somewhat angry with God, which made it worse.. Then I just have been depressed for the last couple of months.. Until that day that I already mentioned in a private entry.. The Adonai thing.. And then reading the Screwtape Letters and remembering all the truths that I used to practically preach to people about.. And I've been studying the Bible again like I used to, and not just for class. Most importantly, I love Jesus Christ with my WHOLE heart and I somehow remembered that, although I have no idea why, He loves me too and it hurts Him when I'm too ashamed of myself to even talk to Him.. It's not like it takes any pressure off of Him by not having to deal with me or anything; in fact, it puts more pressure on Him because all He WANTS to do is deal with me. In any case... I can feel that this is real.. It isn't some whim or some phase.. I know there have been a couple of times that I thought I really was back where I needed to be but I could feel that really, it wasn't. This isn't like that.. I can feel the change in myself.. Even the way I talk and the way I perceive things has changed.. For a while there, after having been, I guess you could say, around other people who didn't really see it as a big deal, I had been thinking of things in a somewhat bad way.. And make jokes about things at school that just have never been in my character before.. And what's worse is that that was always the first thing that would pop into my head.. Something bad. Not like you're probably thinking.. But still, bad (in accordance to true Christian standards). Now, several things have happened and a joke like that would come up and I didn't even think of it that way.. Because my thinking has changed to the way it used to be.. And thanks to the Holy Spirit who is where ALLLLLLLLLLL the credit is due, I have been doing very well about biting my tongue.. In about two weeks or more I've only said one curse word (and for that one, repented) and I can't remember having lied about anything, because every time I've wanted to lie (that I can remember) I've stopped myself and just told the truth about it. I'm really trying hard.. Not because I'm afraid I'll go to hell or anything - it has nothing to do with that because I know where my eternal Home is. But because, as I said, I don't want to hurt Jesus anymore after He loves me so much.
On a different note, I'm going to add a thought that is heavily on my heart.. And I'm not even going to even BEGIN to touch on what it is about.. But suppose there's.. Oh.. For argument's sake, twenty people. Ten of those people are considerably away from the Lord and, although they have been "saved" at some point in their life, are presently living a life of sin. These ten people haven't been in a church in a long time, and then, one day, they are invited. All twenty show up, including the ten who are in sin and aren't living for the Lord at ALL. Then, this one time that they have been in a church, the person preaching tells them that, because they are saved, they aren't accountable/responsible for any sin that they will ever commit. What do you think that that does to those people who have been backslidden for some time? Moreover, what good does it do to have an altar-call for sinners when the last guy speaking JUST got through saying that you aren't responsible for sin anymore?! Just a thought.. It deeply pains me when good people who truly love the Lord get deceived by lies from the pulpit, but it ANGERS me when those who need the Lord more than EVER are decieved into thinking that they are "okay"... By lies from the pulpit.
I want to say that my Lord has turned my life around yet again.. But I had gotten farther away from Him than I ever have been before. I know for a lot of people, it probably sounds like I mean I was just living the most sinful life and like drinking or sleeping around or doing drugs or something, but in fact, the reality is none of the above. Mainly it was just a few things which I'd rather not mention on a public post, added to the fact that I just wasn't... I don't know how to say it.. I wasn't WORSHIPPING Christ anymore.. Wasn't feeling it.. And even though I had guilt, I was edging on carelessness because I was too ashamed of myself to face God. I figured something out the other night while I was praying.. The reason I didn't want to face God anymore was mainly because I KNOW that I have broken Jesus' heart.. After everything that He has done for me, I don't want to hurt Him anymore.. And I didn't want Him to be disappointed in me again and I didn't want to bother Him anymore with my petty problems and my whiny "Please forgive me.. AGAIN.. I know I'm so horrible.. I'm sorry.." stuff. What I was missing is that it was hurting Him that I was even resisting in the first place.. But I did let myself become cold and even somewhat hard-hearted, and I liked it because I didn't cry and I wasn't vulnerable and it was like I was safe in my stone-wall defenses... But then when Joey died it was the first time I had cried in like forever.. It was like it broke that stone wall around my heart.. And after that there was just so much death until I became somewhat angry with God, which made it worse.. Then I just have been depressed for the last couple of months.. Until that day that I already mentioned in a private entry.. The Adonai thing.. And then reading the Screwtape Letters and remembering all the truths that I used to practically preach to people about.. And I've been studying the Bible again like I used to, and not just for class. Most importantly, I love Jesus Christ with my WHOLE heart and I somehow remembered that, although I have no idea why, He loves me too and it hurts Him when I'm too ashamed of myself to even talk to Him.. It's not like it takes any pressure off of Him by not having to deal with me or anything; in fact, it puts more pressure on Him because all He WANTS to do is deal with me. In any case... I can feel that this is real.. It isn't some whim or some phase.. I know there have been a couple of times that I thought I really was back where I needed to be but I could feel that really, it wasn't. This isn't like that.. I can feel the change in myself.. Even the way I talk and the way I perceive things has changed.. For a while there, after having been, I guess you could say, around other people who didn't really see it as a big deal, I had been thinking of things in a somewhat bad way.. And make jokes about things at school that just have never been in my character before.. And what's worse is that that was always the first thing that would pop into my head.. Something bad. Not like you're probably thinking.. But still, bad (in accordance to true Christian standards). Now, several things have happened and a joke like that would come up and I didn't even think of it that way.. Because my thinking has changed to the way it used to be.. And thanks to the Holy Spirit who is where ALLLLLLLLLLL the credit is due, I have been doing very well about biting my tongue.. In about two weeks or more I've only said one curse word (and for that one, repented) and I can't remember having lied about anything, because every time I've wanted to lie (that I can remember) I've stopped myself and just told the truth about it. I'm really trying hard.. Not because I'm afraid I'll go to hell or anything - it has nothing to do with that because I know where my eternal Home is. But because, as I said, I don't want to hurt Jesus anymore after He loves me so much.
On a different note, I'm going to add a thought that is heavily on my heart.. And I'm not even going to even BEGIN to touch on what it is about.. But suppose there's.. Oh.. For argument's sake, twenty people. Ten of those people are considerably away from the Lord and, although they have been "saved" at some point in their life, are presently living a life of sin. These ten people haven't been in a church in a long time, and then, one day, they are invited. All twenty show up, including the ten who are in sin and aren't living for the Lord at ALL. Then, this one time that they have been in a church, the person preaching tells them that, because they are saved, they aren't accountable/responsible for any sin that they will ever commit. What do you think that that does to those people who have been backslidden for some time? Moreover, what good does it do to have an altar-call for sinners when the last guy speaking JUST got through saying that you aren't responsible for sin anymore?! Just a thought.. It deeply pains me when good people who truly love the Lord get deceived by lies from the pulpit, but it ANGERS me when those who need the Lord more than EVER are decieved into thinking that they are "okay"... By lies from the pulpit.