I've seen sinking ships go down with more grace than you.
It's been close to a year since I've updated on livejournal.. I'm gonna try to keep up with it because there is alot in my life that I need to get out so I can get over it.
Mainly I haven't been writing here because I've been on myspace...ouch. Sorry lj. Ha.
So what has happened since the last time I wrote? Too much to write. But I guess the biggest change is that I graduated and moved to Austin.
Austin has been amazing, but lonely. I left behind so many people that I love. I'm doing better this semester though. Emotionally and academically lol. And I'm making many plans for the future. First spring break, then summer. During the summer I hope to close a chapter on my life. Tie up some loose ends..sever old ties. Oh so many cliches!! haha. But really. I kept saying it, and I've tried so hard, but I will really change my life now. I would be so great, so happy, then one little thing would just throw me down, and hold me there until I could finally get myself back up. This next fall semester I should be in an apartment with a friend and two other people. Hopefully school gets better, as well as just me. If this next year doesn't work out, me and another friend might head out to California..seriously. She has family out there and could probably find me a job. So I just need to focus on doing my best here and saving money. Because honestly, even though I get homesick here, I would absolutely love to pack up, get away, and start a new life.
Something that has not changed though, but will change, is my broken heart. It's just so hard for me to stop feeling for someone that I have loved for 3 years. Like I was looking at the pictures on my wall, and in each one could think well I saw him that night..I talked to him that night..We were together that night..He made me cry that night..and so on. I do not want to hate him, but I CANNOT keep loving him. He'd let me down, I'd be sad for awhile, and then move on. Out of nowhere, he'd come back into my life, and so would all of those feelings. It would be so great. Talking, laughing, singing, sleeping. A few days later reality would set in. HE DOES NOT LOVE ME. He says he cares, thinks about me, and misses me...but does he ever do anything about it? He's only there for me when it's convenient for HIM, which isn't fair, and is so sad. When we're together it's so perfect. Everything works. Then it's almost out of sight, out of mind for him, because as soon as I'm not there, he stops talking to me. Until of course, like I said, it's convenient to him. Tell me something though, why would someone send you lyrics to "your" songs if they didn't care? I just don't know. I am utterly confused and so extremely hurt. It seems like every day I find out something more that SHOULD make me hate him. And though it does make me sad, and sick, I STILL LOVE HIM. I do believe I am the one person who has never given up on him, and has always been there. I guess I just haven't let go because I want something from it, I deserve something. Is that wrong? He did tell me once that he wished he could've been there for me like I was for him. Well that was about 8 months ago, and his actions have not followed his words. I have to move on and finally just forget him. Forget everything about him. Every single moment, from the day I met him, 5 years ago.
Ok....that was alot.
But just writing that has made me feel a little bit better.
With my broken hand, and my broken heart, this is goodbye.
Mainly I haven't been writing here because I've been on myspace...ouch. Sorry lj. Ha.
So what has happened since the last time I wrote? Too much to write. But I guess the biggest change is that I graduated and moved to Austin.
Austin has been amazing, but lonely. I left behind so many people that I love. I'm doing better this semester though. Emotionally and academically lol. And I'm making many plans for the future. First spring break, then summer. During the summer I hope to close a chapter on my life. Tie up some loose ends..sever old ties. Oh so many cliches!! haha. But really. I kept saying it, and I've tried so hard, but I will really change my life now. I would be so great, so happy, then one little thing would just throw me down, and hold me there until I could finally get myself back up. This next fall semester I should be in an apartment with a friend and two other people. Hopefully school gets better, as well as just me. If this next year doesn't work out, me and another friend might head out to California..seriously. She has family out there and could probably find me a job. So I just need to focus on doing my best here and saving money. Because honestly, even though I get homesick here, I would absolutely love to pack up, get away, and start a new life.
Something that has not changed though, but will change, is my broken heart. It's just so hard for me to stop feeling for someone that I have loved for 3 years. Like I was looking at the pictures on my wall, and in each one could think well I saw him that night..I talked to him that night..We were together that night..He made me cry that night..and so on. I do not want to hate him, but I CANNOT keep loving him. He'd let me down, I'd be sad for awhile, and then move on. Out of nowhere, he'd come back into my life, and so would all of those feelings. It would be so great. Talking, laughing, singing, sleeping. A few days later reality would set in. HE DOES NOT LOVE ME. He says he cares, thinks about me, and misses me...but does he ever do anything about it? He's only there for me when it's convenient for HIM, which isn't fair, and is so sad. When we're together it's so perfect. Everything works. Then it's almost out of sight, out of mind for him, because as soon as I'm not there, he stops talking to me. Until of course, like I said, it's convenient to him. Tell me something though, why would someone send you lyrics to "your" songs if they didn't care? I just don't know. I am utterly confused and so extremely hurt. It seems like every day I find out something more that SHOULD make me hate him. And though it does make me sad, and sick, I STILL LOVE HIM. I do believe I am the one person who has never given up on him, and has always been there. I guess I just haven't let go because I want something from it, I deserve something. Is that wrong? He did tell me once that he wished he could've been there for me like I was for him. Well that was about 8 months ago, and his actions have not followed his words. I have to move on and finally just forget him. Forget everything about him. Every single moment, from the day I met him, 5 years ago.
Ok....that was alot.
But just writing that has made me feel a little bit better.
With my broken hand, and my broken heart, this is goodbye.