yeah well.
i keep getting told that im somehow feminine.
i did enjoy the reaction of the guy that knows me in the immediate vicinity to that statement, though. while both girls somehow seemed to agree, the guy was like 'wait, what?!'. thanks for being on my side or something.
latley ive been in a fluctuating state. somewhere between perpetual heartbreak and general numbness. ive been wanting to lose myself in a depressant-induced haze for a few days. or forever.
i really dont get what i can do to be .... more desireable.
i think all i can probably do is just mostly stop eating. right now thats all i can think of. just be less there.
i suppose expressing emotions is a "feminine" thing to do. stop being me is the solution. i guess instead of that ill just be myself but less there. it seems to work for some people.
somewhere in all of the mess thats my life, maybe ive lost myself. i dont really get it, but i have the feeling that wherever i am, its not close to here. here is not the place im farthest from me and its not the place i dont want to be, but somehow, i dont feel that even a short journey would be very fruitful.
after all, im here, too. i dont think i can be elsewhere to find myself. im not sure exactly what part is missing. or really how to find it.
ultimately, the best thing to do in this situation is probably not to exist. i guess its too late for that one, though.
strangely, this brings me back around to the 'less there' thing.
just be careful, i think, because you cant let anybody get in your way.
im supposed to be busy these few evenings. i dont really know how its going to go. i should have slept earlier today.
i just dont know what to do.
maybe i should lock everything here. maybe then i would somehow be less feminine because im less expressive.
maybe i should just force my way into physicality and somehow not care what the consequence to her is.
so many 'maybe's. not enough sure courses of action.
bit tired. going to sleep soon.
i wish i understood why im so wrong.
i did enjoy the reaction of the guy that knows me in the immediate vicinity to that statement, though. while both girls somehow seemed to agree, the guy was like 'wait, what?!'. thanks for being on my side or something.
latley ive been in a fluctuating state. somewhere between perpetual heartbreak and general numbness. ive been wanting to lose myself in a depressant-induced haze for a few days. or forever.
i really dont get what i can do to be .... more desireable.
i think all i can probably do is just mostly stop eating. right now thats all i can think of. just be less there.
i suppose expressing emotions is a "feminine" thing to do. stop being me is the solution. i guess instead of that ill just be myself but less there. it seems to work for some people.
somewhere in all of the mess thats my life, maybe ive lost myself. i dont really get it, but i have the feeling that wherever i am, its not close to here. here is not the place im farthest from me and its not the place i dont want to be, but somehow, i dont feel that even a short journey would be very fruitful.
after all, im here, too. i dont think i can be elsewhere to find myself. im not sure exactly what part is missing. or really how to find it.
ultimately, the best thing to do in this situation is probably not to exist. i guess its too late for that one, though.
strangely, this brings me back around to the 'less there' thing.
just be careful, i think, because you cant let anybody get in your way.
im supposed to be busy these few evenings. i dont really know how its going to go. i should have slept earlier today.
i just dont know what to do.
maybe i should lock everything here. maybe then i would somehow be less feminine because im less expressive.
maybe i should just force my way into physicality and somehow not care what the consequence to her is.
so many 'maybe's. not enough sure courses of action.
bit tired. going to sleep soon.
i wish i understood why im so wrong.