(no subject)
I’m typing this out in word because even though there is supposedly wireless internet at my boss’ house, it’s not working.
I finished reading Possession today. It only took me like 3 months. Never has it ever taken me that long to read a book. But then again I haven’t had much in the way of free time. It was beautiful though. I’m glad I stuck it out. The ending was really sad. Randolph Ash ends up meeting his daughter in a field, which Byatt describes beautifully, and LaMotte never even knew. Just like he didn’t know that she had written to him on his deathbed. There were all these really well placed miscommunications that just made the irony that much more forceful. I don’t know if that makes any sense at all. But this book really moved me. Or mind fucked me, whichever way you choose to look at it. Just the parallel relationships of LaMotte and Ash with that of Bailey and Michell, how one doesn’t work out because there’s all this secrecy and anger and it’s just allowed to fester instead of blossom as it should, and then there is Maud and Roland, who in the end I guess you could say save each other. I thought it was beautiful. I guess you have to read it to understand, and I know you won’t because it’s pretty dense and I’m the only person I know who even comes close to being that dorky. It was a beautiful love story. The poetry of both was gorgeous, and I don’t even really enjoy Victorian style poetry.
There was this one passage toward the end that slapped in the face so hard I recoiled:
• When I feel-anything-I go cold all over. I freeze. I can’t-speak out. I’m-I’m no good at relationships.
Nothing I have ever read has described me in more detail, in so few words. That is exactly how I feel about myself, and every intimate situation I find myself in. It explains the hell out of what I did (and why I did it) with Noah. I didn’t feel anything at all at first. And when I did, it never felt good. It felt like it was about to crash and burn right on to my head at any given moment. I was always waiting for it to happen. And eventually it did. Maybe it was a self-fulfilling prophecy? I don’t think so. I either subconsciously or consciously knew exactly what I was getting into. I knew exactly how he would treat me, exactly how it would all unfold, and that was exactly why I went for it. It was safe, because I knew I wouldn’t feel anything real. Or, more importantly, and to the point, that he wouldn’t feel anything real for me. I don’t know which scares me more.
I know that I’m being ridiculous. It’s over with Noah, whatever “it” was. Never again. I’m worth more than that. I want to be worth something to someone again, even if it’s only trivial, I want something real. I’ve let go of being afraid. I still feel cold all over, but I think that that’s circumstantial. I still don’t like being touched, but that can change too. I don’t like being cold and unfeeling. I really don’t. I’ve grown up a lot this year. I know what I want now. I deserve better than this. And I’m not going to “settle” until I find it. I shouldn’t have to.
Anyway, today was an exhausting day. I’ve been working since 11:30 in the morning. I have to go through a lawyer now with all the insurance crap for my injury. My dad wants me to see a neurologist anyway just in case (even though my head aches are going away on their own), before we sign anything relinquishing them of responsibility. Now I have to ask the PT tomorrow for the name of that lawyer she wanted to give me two weeks ago. That’s the least of it. I don’t want to deal with this, I’m good with just taking the settlement and calling it even, but I can see where my dad is coming from. Should anything go wrong a few months from now, we would be screwed six ways to Sunday. I guess all the working from today will be good anyway. I’ve made at least 90 bucks. I was only supposed to make 60 something. The fucking car I have to drive is busted up though. The tires are all weird, one is almost flat, and I couldn’t find a fucking station around here to fix it. I’m not going to. My car is parked in W2, I just don’t remember where. Which is good because I don’t feel like walking all that way.
My head is killing me, but that’s from eating crap all day. I’ve been reminded of exactly why I don’t like ice cream. Point in fact I despise it. I really wanted cookie dough. So when I was at the supermarket getting their food, the only thing remotely cookie dough-ish I could find was ice cream. I thought what the hell, why not? I don’t hate it all that much. Yes I fucking do. What a waste of 3 bucks. And now I feel like shit. Never again. I need to eat real food, and it’s too late to go to my aunt’s. Fuck. Ramen and chocolate milk it is then. No wonder I’m fat. I did not a single bit of studying for bio, i.e. Mariana is FUCKED for that test tomorrow. I really don’t want to go to physical therapy. Maybe I’ll cancel and just ask them for the stuff over the phone.
My nose is bleeding. Again.
Culture shock this weekend. I’m thinking I’m not going to get as fucked up as I originally planned. Now that I’m thinking long and hard about it, I just don’t have the energy. Or the money. I want a nice cuddle. No meaningless sex. Just a nice cuddle and a nap with someone in my extra small dorm bed. Someone who isn’t my pig (sorry Bacon). I had a really nice cuddle last week, and good cuddles are hard to come by.
Fuck this shit, where the fuck is my boss? I want to go home and take a long hot shower, wash my hair, feel less grimy, and go to sleep. And I want to brush my teeth and forget I ever ate ice cream today. These cloths are pissing me off too. You know when you just don’t like yourself some days? Yeah, today is that day for me. And there’s Dashboard Confessional to top it all off. I don’t care. I’ll emo it up if I want to. And just to note, this is old school dashboard I’m listening to, before he was cool. Like Swiss Army Romance kinda old. Bitch.
• “So I’ll take my chances and head on my way up there. ‘Cause turning to you is like falling in love when you’re 10.”
Mari is ouuuuttt.
I finished reading Possession today. It only took me like 3 months. Never has it ever taken me that long to read a book. But then again I haven’t had much in the way of free time. It was beautiful though. I’m glad I stuck it out. The ending was really sad. Randolph Ash ends up meeting his daughter in a field, which Byatt describes beautifully, and LaMotte never even knew. Just like he didn’t know that she had written to him on his deathbed. There were all these really well placed miscommunications that just made the irony that much more forceful. I don’t know if that makes any sense at all. But this book really moved me. Or mind fucked me, whichever way you choose to look at it. Just the parallel relationships of LaMotte and Ash with that of Bailey and Michell, how one doesn’t work out because there’s all this secrecy and anger and it’s just allowed to fester instead of blossom as it should, and then there is Maud and Roland, who in the end I guess you could say save each other. I thought it was beautiful. I guess you have to read it to understand, and I know you won’t because it’s pretty dense and I’m the only person I know who even comes close to being that dorky. It was a beautiful love story. The poetry of both was gorgeous, and I don’t even really enjoy Victorian style poetry.
There was this one passage toward the end that slapped in the face so hard I recoiled:
• When I feel-anything-I go cold all over. I freeze. I can’t-speak out. I’m-I’m no good at relationships.
Nothing I have ever read has described me in more detail, in so few words. That is exactly how I feel about myself, and every intimate situation I find myself in. It explains the hell out of what I did (and why I did it) with Noah. I didn’t feel anything at all at first. And when I did, it never felt good. It felt like it was about to crash and burn right on to my head at any given moment. I was always waiting for it to happen. And eventually it did. Maybe it was a self-fulfilling prophecy? I don’t think so. I either subconsciously or consciously knew exactly what I was getting into. I knew exactly how he would treat me, exactly how it would all unfold, and that was exactly why I went for it. It was safe, because I knew I wouldn’t feel anything real. Or, more importantly, and to the point, that he wouldn’t feel anything real for me. I don’t know which scares me more.
I know that I’m being ridiculous. It’s over with Noah, whatever “it” was. Never again. I’m worth more than that. I want to be worth something to someone again, even if it’s only trivial, I want something real. I’ve let go of being afraid. I still feel cold all over, but I think that that’s circumstantial. I still don’t like being touched, but that can change too. I don’t like being cold and unfeeling. I really don’t. I’ve grown up a lot this year. I know what I want now. I deserve better than this. And I’m not going to “settle” until I find it. I shouldn’t have to.
Anyway, today was an exhausting day. I’ve been working since 11:30 in the morning. I have to go through a lawyer now with all the insurance crap for my injury. My dad wants me to see a neurologist anyway just in case (even though my head aches are going away on their own), before we sign anything relinquishing them of responsibility. Now I have to ask the PT tomorrow for the name of that lawyer she wanted to give me two weeks ago. That’s the least of it. I don’t want to deal with this, I’m good with just taking the settlement and calling it even, but I can see where my dad is coming from. Should anything go wrong a few months from now, we would be screwed six ways to Sunday. I guess all the working from today will be good anyway. I’ve made at least 90 bucks. I was only supposed to make 60 something. The fucking car I have to drive is busted up though. The tires are all weird, one is almost flat, and I couldn’t find a fucking station around here to fix it. I’m not going to. My car is parked in W2, I just don’t remember where. Which is good because I don’t feel like walking all that way.
My head is killing me, but that’s from eating crap all day. I’ve been reminded of exactly why I don’t like ice cream. Point in fact I despise it. I really wanted cookie dough. So when I was at the supermarket getting their food, the only thing remotely cookie dough-ish I could find was ice cream. I thought what the hell, why not? I don’t hate it all that much. Yes I fucking do. What a waste of 3 bucks. And now I feel like shit. Never again. I need to eat real food, and it’s too late to go to my aunt’s. Fuck. Ramen and chocolate milk it is then. No wonder I’m fat. I did not a single bit of studying for bio, i.e. Mariana is FUCKED for that test tomorrow. I really don’t want to go to physical therapy. Maybe I’ll cancel and just ask them for the stuff over the phone.
My nose is bleeding. Again.
Culture shock this weekend. I’m thinking I’m not going to get as fucked up as I originally planned. Now that I’m thinking long and hard about it, I just don’t have the energy. Or the money. I want a nice cuddle. No meaningless sex. Just a nice cuddle and a nap with someone in my extra small dorm bed. Someone who isn’t my pig (sorry Bacon). I had a really nice cuddle last week, and good cuddles are hard to come by.
Fuck this shit, where the fuck is my boss? I want to go home and take a long hot shower, wash my hair, feel less grimy, and go to sleep. And I want to brush my teeth and forget I ever ate ice cream today. These cloths are pissing me off too. You know when you just don’t like yourself some days? Yeah, today is that day for me. And there’s Dashboard Confessional to top it all off. I don’t care. I’ll emo it up if I want to. And just to note, this is old school dashboard I’m listening to, before he was cool. Like Swiss Army Romance kinda old. Bitch.
• “So I’ll take my chances and head on my way up there. ‘Cause turning to you is like falling in love when you’re 10.”
Mari is ouuuuttt.