The insanity is spreading...
Following
silvercobwebs’ sterling effort I decided to have a go at the MST3K treatment and here are the results. If it’s rubbish then let me know and I’ll leave it to
silvercobwebsin the future (who I also wish to thank for acting as an impromptu beta *g*). The episode I went with was Avenging Angel from Season 1 with Martin Kemp.
D=Duncan
M=Methos
J=Joe
The boys all settle down in front of the TV. This week they’ve moved to Joe’s because he’s got a 42” Plasma screen instead of Duncan’s poxy little 17” model. Beers are passed around and the fun begins:
Credit sequence
M- Oh nice voiceover. Why don’t you just tell everyone how to kill us?
J- I think I did it better. I like the subtitles though, very equal opportunities.
M- It’s in case you can’t understand that dodgy accent.
D- Oi! If you’re going to start again, I’m going now.
M- Calm down, it’s only a TV show.
D- And you can definitely cut that crap right now.
J- Fast forward the music, it’s not like we’re even in the credits yet.
D- No but these are different credits.
J- Oh look, Connor!
M- Aw bless, baby Richie!
J- Is it me or are these credits shorter? They definitely seem shorter.
M - Nah, it’s just that they seem shorter because there’s nobody interesting in them.
D- No, they seem longer later because people lose interest once they go past the lead to the minor characters.
M- Oo, somebody’s taken their bitchy pills today.
J- Would you two stop it? You’re talking all over the episode now.
M & D - Sorry Joe.
M- Spooky beginning.
D- Yeah, very.
M- Wasn’t he in Eastenders?
J- He looks like that guy out of that band from the Eighties…Spandau Ballet.
D- Those references were uncharacteristically pop culture weren’t they?
J - He was a bit insane before he died wasn’t he?
M- He does a nice line in nutters.
D- Don’t, I’m getting a headache with all this.
Cahill hits the prostitute.
J- Oh now that’s no way to treat a lady, even a hooker.
M - Violent chap isn’t he?
D- You can talk.
M - Ah, enter the Boy Scout. What were you thinking with that sweater?
D- It was Paris, the nineties, what can I say?
M- Sorry would be a good start. Aha! The death scene.
J- Hmm, bit of an anti-climax don’t you think?
M- It always is.
Mac takes Cahill’s wallet
M- Mac, I never knew you had it in you!
D- I was trying to find out his name.
M- He just breathed! I saw his chest move and you hadn’t removed the knife! Quite a cruel touch by the way.
D- You would know. See, I just wanted to look at his ID.
M- Whatever you say. How did he come back with the knife in him?
D- Shut up.
M- Mwahaha! The Angel Gabriel? Oh that’s a good one!
J- What were you thinking going after such a crazy?
D- I was trying to help him, make him understand.
M- teehee, Angel Gabriel, oh that will have me amused for weeks.
D- I still have the rusty butter knife you know.
M- Ah, the famous barge.
J- Boy that place has seen some action over the years.
D- And just what do you mean by that?
J- Nothing, just you know, a lot has gone down there.
M- So to speak.
J- No! I meant all the action… all the fights and stuff. That was what I was talking about. Get your minds out of the sewer. Though now you mention it…
M - Loving the pink top by the way.
D- Are you trying to say something? What’s this obsession with my clothes?
M- Nothing, nothing! You’re clearly a man who’s comfortable with his masculinity.
D- Tessa bought that top.
Uncomfortable silence follows.
M- Ugly short and poor? I presume we’re supposed to assume that you’re the opposite?
J - You can’t really just find that sort of military information on the net can you?
D- Well, it was the nineties; very few people had access so we could take a few liberties. And I have a few hacker tricks up my sleeves.
M- Ah, I suppose you know a few back doors do you?
The pimp goes into the bar and talks to Claudine.
M - Ah yes, they must all be French prostitutes. As evidenced by the skimpy outfits and arrogant attitude.
J - Don’t forget the fur coat. Obviously she’s a classy hooker.
M- I don’t think Jean-Paul can answer dear. She should have known something was wrong from the overly dramatic music.
J- Names and addresses? Like a prostitute really keeps a little black book with names and addresses.
D - I think that’s what’s called a MacGuffin.
M - Only in this show it should be called a McLeod.
D - Oh so very funny.
M- Wow he is a very scary guy.
J- Yeah, it’s a shame he doesn’t survive the episode, he’d have made a great recurring bad guy.
M - Aw now you’ve gone and spoiled the end for me.
J - Come on, it’s season one, you know, evil Immortal of the week?
D- Will you two quit it? It was only the first season, you can’t expect the writers to be too experimental.
Cahill murders the prostitute.
J- Did he just kill her? In broad daylight in a busy street?
M - Parisians, they’re so jaded. Ah, quick establishing shot to remind the audience we’re in Paris.
D - Well they would have just come back from commercial, they might have forgotten.
M - Ah, the high class prostitute. What’s the betting that’s Tessa’s friend? Aha! I knew it!
J- Well it was kinda obvious.
M- Uh oh, this can’t be good. Looks like the poor John is dead.
D - This is where we learn what turned him into a psychotic killer.
J - Is that scripture he’s quoting?
M - Apparently. I never was much for the good book.
J - So he’s killing hookers and their clients? Not the usual pattern for a serial killer.
Mac and Tessa in Elaine’s apartment
M- Oh, look out, Mac’s got that look in his eyes.
J- You mean the ‘I know you’re lying to me and I know what’s going on’ look.
M - Well I would put it more succinctly, but yes.
D - Hey, I’m in the room you know. I was trying to be discreet.
M- Bless her, Tessa was awfully naïve wasn’t she?
D - She could be a bit blinkered sometimes, yes.
M - A rose is hardly a smoking gun Mac.
D - No, but it was fairly obvious.
The pimp and Elaine talk in her apartment
M - This is a bit moralistic isn’t it?
J- You mean the not so subtle ‘prostitutes have a lot of money but they’re unhappy’?
M - Exactly. And Tessa isn’t exactly being open-minded is she?
D - No, her attitude shocked me, I always thought she was quite live and let live.
J - But she is more understanding by the end isn’t she?
M - Now, see that proves he’s completely insane. Any right-minded psychopath would not be preaching on a street corner when he could be out killing.
D - There are times when you really frighten me.
Tessa and Elaine talk
M - The tart with the heart who wants to get out but can’t. How depressingly unoriginal.
J- Maybe, but it does happen.
M - Yeah, but how come we never see a prostitute who earns loads of money and is really happy doing it? I’ve met plenty.
D- Really? I wouldn’t have thought a guy like you would need their..ahem..services.
M - I didn’t necessarily mean I’d met them professionally.
J - And now we get another monologue explaining what made Cahill a fruit loop.
M - His step-father beat him? Oh boo hoo. You know what I’d say to that?
J&D - Live, grow stronger!
M - No…I wasn’t going to say that.
J - Didn’t those guys get out of that car once already?
D - Yeah! Maybe they got back in to give us a chance to chat.
M- That was convenient.
Mac fights with the goons
J - Now what the hell are you doing? They can’t kill Cahill and he’s a lunatic. Just let them shoot him!
D- But then he might have gone after them.
J - So? They work for a pimp! And while you’re busy fighting them, you’ve lost him!
M - Exactly. If he caught up with him now he wouldn’t be able to attack Elaine and then fight Mac in the third act.
Elaine, Tessa and Mac talk in the barge.
J- What’s with the doing up your shoelaces? Is it you preparing for action?
M - Ah now we reach the cryptic section of the proceeding. That was a manly jump.
J - Balletic I thought.
M - No! Don’t let her go to her apartment.
J - The benefit of hindsight, if only you had taken his head…
M- You can take the boy out of the Dark Ages…
D - I was a lot more quick to behead back then wasn’t I?
Elaine tells Bettini she’s out of the game.
M- She should know, you can’t quit the Game.
D - Urgh that was awful.
M - Playing the tough guy again huh? You just can’t resist a damsel in distress.
D - Well she was Tessa’s friend.
M - So you were hoping for a little ménage a trios maybe?
D - Methos!
J - That wasn’t a no.
Mac feels Cahill’s approach
J - Well that wasn’t the smartest thing to do. What if he’d been down the stairs and you were sending her right to him?
M - Good job you didn’t wait for the elevator. Why did she run back up? Has she never seen a horror movie?
D - It saved her life though.
M - This time.
M - Oh please. ‘I’ll never get a shot at a decent guy like you’, I think I’m going to be sick. Could this get any more clichéd?
D - Just because you’re jealous, there’s no need to get snippy.
M - Jealous? Of you and your damned chivalry? I don’t think so.
J - He does seem to get more women than you.
M - Humph.
D - Good comeback.
Cahill swears to kill Duncan
J - I’m a little confused. What did you do to make Cahill pissed at you?
D - I think he realised it was me coming out of Elaine’s apartment.
M - See, hanging out with hookers, playing knight in shining armour, see what it leads to?
J - Getting laid with gorgeous women on two continents?
M - Stay out of this.
M - Wow, Tessa’s smarter than I credited her. That was quick thinking.
D - She was amazing.
J - Hey, don’t go getting maudlin on me.
D- No, it’s okay.
M - This is getting a little angsty. Can’t we fast forward to the fight?
J- No!
D - It’s okay, we’re nearly there.
M - How come she’d never heard of the Templars?
D - She was an artist, not a historian, and this was before The Da Vinci Code made it hip to know about these things.
J - Um, isn’t the Templar headquarters a church, and therefore holy ground?
D - No, it’s a museum, all their churches were deconsecrated after they were declared heretics.
M- Excuse me, but how did he get so good with an axe and mace? I know they train for hand to hand in the SAS, but please.
J - Maybe he really was that Templar reincarnated.
D - He wasn’t that good.
M - You don’t half make a lot of noise during your Quickenings.
J - That was a lousy edit, right in the middle of the music.
M - And Elaine conveniently disappears… Cue pathetically romantic moment and then...Cue Queen.
J- Was all of season one like that?
D - What do you mean?
J - Well, it didn’t exactly have the same…quality as later seasons.
M - What Joe is trying to say is it was a bit crap. How a second series ever got commissioned I’ll never know.
D- Well, just be thankful it did or we wouldn’t be here right now.
M- Aw hell, now he’s off with the post modernist allusions.
J - So, same time next week?
How does everyone feel about resurrecting Richie for these? I didn’t do it here because I thought it might get weird, but I think there might be comic potential to add him to the mix.