Birthday Fic!
Amandas birthday fic 2009
So, I offered amand_r a birthday fic, and in typical style received not one but five requests. As they are leaning heavily on the crack side I did my best to write all of them, so here are my Five Cracky Pieces (plus bonus special feature). Now, as most of you probably know, I’m crap at the NC-17 stuff, so I’m afraid even the pairings don’t get past the flirting stage, but I did my best. Hope you enjoy them hon, Happy Birthday.
Warning: SPOILERS for Children of Earth in parts three and six. Rated 15 for swearing. Oh and in case you haven't guessed, this is definitely on the crack-side *grin*.
Disclaimer: Not one little bit of it belongs to me, obviously, and that’s probably a good thing in this instance.
Jack Harkness/Faith
Jack came back to life with his customary intake of air and looked down to examine the large and rough hole in his chest that was rapidly healing, although not rapidly enough to prevent him seeing rather more of his insides than Jack ever wanted to see.
“Cool. When you didn’t go ‘poof’, I was seriously worried I’d made a mistake again,” said a distinctly female voice. Jack looked up to see the young woman, Faith, who Jack had thought was taking him back to her place when she had suddenly stabbed him in the chest. She was reaching into the belt of her leather pants to retrieve a rather vicious looking knife. Where exactly she found room for it in those pants was a thought best saved for later. Jack held his hands up in a placatory gesture.
“Hey, look, I’m the one who just got stabbed in the chest with…what was that?” Jack asked, tugging at the ragged hole in his shirt. “If this is your idea of foreplay, I have to say I’ve seen better,” he added and clambered to his feet, cautiously keeping an eye on Faith.
“Well, you’re not a vampire; that’s for sure. So what the hell are you?” she asked. Jack ignored the fact that she was answering a question with another question and digested the information in it.
So she thought he was a vampire? That must mean that she had driven a stake through his chest. Jack added that to the mental list of ways he’d died, it was certainly a novel one, up there with the javelin.
“I’m human,” Jack replied. Mostly, he added to himself.
“Bullshit. Humans can’t survive a stake through the heart,” Faith replied. Jack noted a brief flicker of emotion, as though Faith regretted those words, but her game face was back in place before Jack could blink.
Thinking about it, he realised that it would require more than human strength to drive a piece of wood into a person’s chest.
“You’re not exactly a poster child for normal yourself, darling,” Jack replied with some amusement. He took a step closer to her, smiling when he saw she was faintly nervous. Suddenly several pieces all fell into place. “You’re a Slayer!” he declared.
Faith was startled by this and Jack smiled even more in triumph at having so obviously rattled her.
“How do you…?”
“Worked with the Council to take out a bunch of vamps that were…war profiteering. Captain Jack Harkness, Torchwood,” he answered. Faith looked unimpressed and Jack was disappointed to realise she’d never heard of him. He decided to switch tack. “I gotta say; you’re a hell of a lot easier on the eye than the Slayer I worked with back then.”
“What can I say? Strength, style, beauty, brains, I’m the full Slayer package,” Faith replied. Jack rewarded her with his second-most dazzling smile and she rewarded him in kind.
“I wouldn’t mind unwrapping that package,” Jack said. Inwardly he winced; he couldn’t believe he’d just said that out loud. Luckily a mix of his winning personality, dazzling smile, and 51st Century pheromones did the trick as, instead of rolling her eyes or staking him again, Faith stepped forward and kissed him.
She pinned his arms to his sides, making him gasp through the kiss and she pulled back smiling.
“That’ll be that Slayer strength then,” Jack said. Faith smiled at him.
“Mm-hmm. And I’m all kinds of bendy too.”
*-*
Oz and Ianto Jones.
When Ianto invited Oz back for coffee, he’d intended to take him to his flat. He had no idea how they ended up in the Hub, but it had seemed like a really good idea at the time.
A nagging little voice in the back of his head suggested that he was hoping to find Jack, to include him in a threesome. But that voice was clearly treacherous, as the thought of sex with Oz hadn’t even entered his mind up until that point. Now he was having trouble thinking of anything else, so he busied himself with the coffee machine.
The quiet American would make a perfect addition to Team Torchwood. He’d taken everything in his stride when they had run into Weevil trouble. In fact, he was almost too laconic and Ianto had the sudden and terrible thought that he’d just brought a complete stranger into the Hub who may be an alien. He was wishing Jack was there for a very different reason now.
Passing Oz a cup of coffee, he made a pretence of going to get biscuits, but instead turned on a monitor to view the internal scanners. He let out a small sigh of relief when it showed him that Oz was human. There was a slight blip in his DNA, but it was negligible and still terrestrial in origin. In fact, the monitor told him it was lupine so it was likely a malfunction.
At the sigh, Oz raised an eyebrow in Ianto’s direction.
“Someone’s eaten all the Hobnobs,” Ianto said in explanation and headed back to where Oz was seated. He sat beside him and offered him a chocolate digestive. “This is all we had. Sorry.”
There was a squawk from above and Myfanwy dropped down from her nesting place to investigate the chocolate smells. She sidled up to them and gently nudged Oz, who again took it all remarkably calmly.
“Sorry. She’s, well our pet I suppose. She likes chocolate,” Ianto said and tossed her a piece of his biscuit. She ate it and let out a cry of pleasure.
“Cool,” Oz said with a nod, and held out one tentative hand toward Myfanwy. When she didn’t bite it off at the wrist, he gently patted her head. She nuzzled into the touch and made a noise that sounded almost like a purr.
“She likes you,” Ianto pointed out with a smile. “She doesn’t get on with people, as a rule.”
“I have an affinity with animals,” Oz said with a wry smile.
Ianto was definitely impressed. He would have to speak to Jack in the morning. In the meanwhile, he could always Retcon Oz if Jack said no, so he asked,
“So, Oz. Are you looking for a job?”
*-*
Methos and Gwen cooper trapped in an elevator.
“Ugh. Perfect,” Methos muttered, jabbing the emergency call button repeatedly.
“Don’t worry, it’s practically a weekly occurrence. They’ll have us out in no time,” said the other occupant of the lift with a smile that was obviously intended to be reassuring.
Great, I’m stuck in a lift with a social worker. A pregnant social worker, no less,Methos thought. She was a reasonably attractive woman, brown hair and sparkling eyes, but married and heavily pregnant.
“Why don’t they replace the damn thing if it breaks down so often?” Methos asked, mostly to himself. The woman laughed, not unkindly.
“Because that would require the local Health Authority to actually reach into those deep pockets of theirs,” she replied, her thick Swansea accent adding emphasis to the sarcasm in her tone.
The corner of Methos’ lips quirked in amusement and he nodded in understanding. They didn’t talk for a few minutes, until the woman began to move her weight from one foot to the other, clearly uncomfortable.
“Please tell me you don’t need the bathroom,” Methos said with barely concealed horror.
“No! My legs are aching, is all. Would you mind helping me sit?” she asked. Methos nodded.
Grasping her firmly by the upper arms, he helped to gently lower her to the floor of the lift.
“Comfortable?”
“As I could be on a lift floor,” she replied with a grin. She had a gap between her two front teeth that made the grin a little goofy and somehow warm and friendly too. “So, you visiting someone?”
“Work here. At least, I will next week. Just came in to sign some papers, and this bloody happens,” Methos explained before sliding down to the floor to sit next to his companion.
“I’m overdue. They want to perform a scan, check everything’s okay,” the woman told him, patting her bump affectionately.
They fell into silence again, Methos staring intently at the panel, willing the emergency light to stop flashing and the floor numbers to start moving again.
“Uh oh.”
“Uh oh?” Methos enquired, turning to look at the woman’s face.
“You don’t happen to be am obstetrician, do you?” she replied, her face blanching. Methos felt the colour drain from his as he got an inkling of the problem. “My waters just broke,” she added.
“I’m a neurosurgeon. But I had to deliver babies in training, I’m sure it will all come flooding back,” Methos said, hastily kneeling and moving so he had a better position to assess the situation. “This your first?”
“Yes.”
“Then we’ll probably be long gone from here by the time junior actually makes an appearance, nothing to worry about. Now, if you don’t mind, I think I need to examine you, see where we are, is that okay?”
“One thing first,” she answered. Methos looked at her quizzically as the woman held out her hand. “Gwen Williams.” Methos chuckled and shook her hand.
“Doctor John Pierce, at your service Mrs. Williams,” he said.
“I think, given the circumstances, you can call me Gwen.”
*-*
The Doctor and Joe Dawson
“So, you’re a Watcher, not the Watcher. That’s something of a relief,” the Doctor said with a grin.
“And you’re not an Immortal,” Joe replied.
“Nope. I think I’m insulted by that,” the Doctor replied, frowning as he thought about it. Joe chuckled.
“Well, you can see why we thought it. Records of you appear throughout history, and there are plenty of photos and paintings. We watch Immortals, so we figured that’s what you were. Alien sure as hell never entered my mind,” he said. The Doctor smiled and nodded.
The Doctor perched himself on the edge of the stage and Joe picked up his guitar. He tuned her and then began playing, just improvising a 12-bar Blues. After a few bars he got a wicked grin on his face and then began to sing:
“I’m always on the run,
I’ve got nowhere to go,
But I gotta get out of here
Get away from my foe
Cos I’m trouble
With a capital D
Yeah I’m trouble
Best stay away from me
If I’m on your planet
Disaster’s not far behind
But don’t you worry
I fix what trouble I find
But I’m Trouble
With a capital D
I’m the Doctor
Best stay away from me”
As Joe played a brief coda, the Doctor began clapping and laughing.
“Brilliant! I don’t think anyone’s ever written me a song before. Certainly not the Blues, anyway. Thank you Joe.”
*-*
Jack/Anya-- WHEN SHE WAS A DEMON ZOMG (OMG CRACK SQUEE).
Jack looked over at the sleeping form lying next to him and sighed. Not that he was regretting anything - Anyanka had gone without for a very long time and needy sex was always great in Jack’s experience. On top of that, she was really aggressive and unbelievably flexible. It was just that she had a few… kinks that Jack wasn’t entirely comfortable with.
Even with his enlightened 51st Century attitude towards sex, he had to admit this was the first time he’d been with a Vengeance Demon. And how exactly did you leave a vengeance demon? All in all, it wasn’t one of his most intelligent decisions.
He flashed one of his smiles at her when he realised that she had woken up. She smiled back seductively and walked her fingers playfully down Jack’s bare stomach.
“I thought we might try disembowelment this time,” she said in a tone that Jack assumed was intended as playful, but which came off as threatening. He shivered involuntarily, but he was still smiling and Anyanka must have interpreted it as a shiver of anticipation because she let out a girlish giggle that disturbed Jack more than anything else.
“Oh my, is that the time? I have to go, but it’s been…surreal. We really have to do this again sometime. I’m busy for the next century or so, but who knows…” Jack yammered as he leapt out of bed and legged it toward the door, grabbing his clothes as he went.
He paused at the door to pull on his trousers and turned to flash a smile at Anyanka.
“Seriously, this was fun. I’ll call you,” he said. He pulled the door open and practically ran out of the room.
Anyanka scowled and muttered,
“Men.”
*-*
And as a bonus fic, because my cracky little brain went there:
“Oh this is just perfect,” Anya muttered.
“I told you it said eight people, but you wouldn’t listen,” Ianto pointed out, quite reasonably.
“There’s no point in blaming anybody at this point, although I do rather think that Gwen shouldn’t have eaten that last éclair,” the Doctor interjected, causing Gwen to sputter and spray cake crumbs over him.
“I’m pregnant!” she protested.
“See, so she’s already one and a half people, it isn’t my fault!” Anya said.
Joe Dawson chuckled at that, but Anya shot him a withering glare and he stopped.
“Can’t you just get us out of here?” Oz asked Anya. Anya shook her head. “Not even if one of the girls wished it?”
“Um…maybe? If it perhaps involved someone’s grizzly death?” Anya said hopefully, thinking Oz had spotted a potential loophole.
“Would it still count if the man in question was immortal?” Joe asked thoughtfully. All eyes turned to Methos.
“Well you can count me out of that!” Methos declared and backed away from Anya.
“What about Jack?” Gwen suggested. Ianto thought about this for a moment and turned to address Jack.
“Jack? Jack….? Jack! Stop shagging Faith, we’ve got an idea...”
So, I offered amand_r a birthday fic, and in typical style received not one but five requests. As they are leaning heavily on the crack side I did my best to write all of them, so here are my Five Cracky Pieces (plus bonus special feature). Now, as most of you probably know, I’m crap at the NC-17 stuff, so I’m afraid even the pairings don’t get past the flirting stage, but I did my best. Hope you enjoy them hon, Happy Birthday.
Warning: SPOILERS for Children of Earth in parts three and six. Rated 15 for swearing. Oh and in case you haven't guessed, this is definitely on the crack-side *grin*.
Disclaimer: Not one little bit of it belongs to me, obviously, and that’s probably a good thing in this instance.
Jack Harkness/Faith
Jack came back to life with his customary intake of air and looked down to examine the large and rough hole in his chest that was rapidly healing, although not rapidly enough to prevent him seeing rather more of his insides than Jack ever wanted to see.
“Cool. When you didn’t go ‘poof’, I was seriously worried I’d made a mistake again,” said a distinctly female voice. Jack looked up to see the young woman, Faith, who Jack had thought was taking him back to her place when she had suddenly stabbed him in the chest. She was reaching into the belt of her leather pants to retrieve a rather vicious looking knife. Where exactly she found room for it in those pants was a thought best saved for later. Jack held his hands up in a placatory gesture.
“Hey, look, I’m the one who just got stabbed in the chest with…what was that?” Jack asked, tugging at the ragged hole in his shirt. “If this is your idea of foreplay, I have to say I’ve seen better,” he added and clambered to his feet, cautiously keeping an eye on Faith.
“Well, you’re not a vampire; that’s for sure. So what the hell are you?” she asked. Jack ignored the fact that she was answering a question with another question and digested the information in it.
So she thought he was a vampire? That must mean that she had driven a stake through his chest. Jack added that to the mental list of ways he’d died, it was certainly a novel one, up there with the javelin.
“I’m human,” Jack replied. Mostly, he added to himself.
“Bullshit. Humans can’t survive a stake through the heart,” Faith replied. Jack noted a brief flicker of emotion, as though Faith regretted those words, but her game face was back in place before Jack could blink.
Thinking about it, he realised that it would require more than human strength to drive a piece of wood into a person’s chest.
“You’re not exactly a poster child for normal yourself, darling,” Jack replied with some amusement. He took a step closer to her, smiling when he saw she was faintly nervous. Suddenly several pieces all fell into place. “You’re a Slayer!” he declared.
Faith was startled by this and Jack smiled even more in triumph at having so obviously rattled her.
“How do you…?”
“Worked with the Council to take out a bunch of vamps that were…war profiteering. Captain Jack Harkness, Torchwood,” he answered. Faith looked unimpressed and Jack was disappointed to realise she’d never heard of him. He decided to switch tack. “I gotta say; you’re a hell of a lot easier on the eye than the Slayer I worked with back then.”
“What can I say? Strength, style, beauty, brains, I’m the full Slayer package,” Faith replied. Jack rewarded her with his second-most dazzling smile and she rewarded him in kind.
“I wouldn’t mind unwrapping that package,” Jack said. Inwardly he winced; he couldn’t believe he’d just said that out loud. Luckily a mix of his winning personality, dazzling smile, and 51st Century pheromones did the trick as, instead of rolling her eyes or staking him again, Faith stepped forward and kissed him.
She pinned his arms to his sides, making him gasp through the kiss and she pulled back smiling.
“That’ll be that Slayer strength then,” Jack said. Faith smiled at him.
“Mm-hmm. And I’m all kinds of bendy too.”
*-*
Oz and Ianto Jones.
When Ianto invited Oz back for coffee, he’d intended to take him to his flat. He had no idea how they ended up in the Hub, but it had seemed like a really good idea at the time.
A nagging little voice in the back of his head suggested that he was hoping to find Jack, to include him in a threesome. But that voice was clearly treacherous, as the thought of sex with Oz hadn’t even entered his mind up until that point. Now he was having trouble thinking of anything else, so he busied himself with the coffee machine.
The quiet American would make a perfect addition to Team Torchwood. He’d taken everything in his stride when they had run into Weevil trouble. In fact, he was almost too laconic and Ianto had the sudden and terrible thought that he’d just brought a complete stranger into the Hub who may be an alien. He was wishing Jack was there for a very different reason now.
Passing Oz a cup of coffee, he made a pretence of going to get biscuits, but instead turned on a monitor to view the internal scanners. He let out a small sigh of relief when it showed him that Oz was human. There was a slight blip in his DNA, but it was negligible and still terrestrial in origin. In fact, the monitor told him it was lupine so it was likely a malfunction.
At the sigh, Oz raised an eyebrow in Ianto’s direction.
“Someone’s eaten all the Hobnobs,” Ianto said in explanation and headed back to where Oz was seated. He sat beside him and offered him a chocolate digestive. “This is all we had. Sorry.”
There was a squawk from above and Myfanwy dropped down from her nesting place to investigate the chocolate smells. She sidled up to them and gently nudged Oz, who again took it all remarkably calmly.
“Sorry. She’s, well our pet I suppose. She likes chocolate,” Ianto said and tossed her a piece of his biscuit. She ate it and let out a cry of pleasure.
“Cool,” Oz said with a nod, and held out one tentative hand toward Myfanwy. When she didn’t bite it off at the wrist, he gently patted her head. She nuzzled into the touch and made a noise that sounded almost like a purr.
“She likes you,” Ianto pointed out with a smile. “She doesn’t get on with people, as a rule.”
“I have an affinity with animals,” Oz said with a wry smile.
Ianto was definitely impressed. He would have to speak to Jack in the morning. In the meanwhile, he could always Retcon Oz if Jack said no, so he asked,
“So, Oz. Are you looking for a job?”
*-*
Methos and Gwen cooper trapped in an elevator.
“Ugh. Perfect,” Methos muttered, jabbing the emergency call button repeatedly.
“Don’t worry, it’s practically a weekly occurrence. They’ll have us out in no time,” said the other occupant of the lift with a smile that was obviously intended to be reassuring.
Great, I’m stuck in a lift with a social worker. A pregnant social worker, no less,Methos thought. She was a reasonably attractive woman, brown hair and sparkling eyes, but married and heavily pregnant.
“Why don’t they replace the damn thing if it breaks down so often?” Methos asked, mostly to himself. The woman laughed, not unkindly.
“Because that would require the local Health Authority to actually reach into those deep pockets of theirs,” she replied, her thick Swansea accent adding emphasis to the sarcasm in her tone.
The corner of Methos’ lips quirked in amusement and he nodded in understanding. They didn’t talk for a few minutes, until the woman began to move her weight from one foot to the other, clearly uncomfortable.
“Please tell me you don’t need the bathroom,” Methos said with barely concealed horror.
“No! My legs are aching, is all. Would you mind helping me sit?” she asked. Methos nodded.
Grasping her firmly by the upper arms, he helped to gently lower her to the floor of the lift.
“Comfortable?”
“As I could be on a lift floor,” she replied with a grin. She had a gap between her two front teeth that made the grin a little goofy and somehow warm and friendly too. “So, you visiting someone?”
“Work here. At least, I will next week. Just came in to sign some papers, and this bloody happens,” Methos explained before sliding down to the floor to sit next to his companion.
“I’m overdue. They want to perform a scan, check everything’s okay,” the woman told him, patting her bump affectionately.
They fell into silence again, Methos staring intently at the panel, willing the emergency light to stop flashing and the floor numbers to start moving again.
“Uh oh.”
“Uh oh?” Methos enquired, turning to look at the woman’s face.
“You don’t happen to be am obstetrician, do you?” she replied, her face blanching. Methos felt the colour drain from his as he got an inkling of the problem. “My waters just broke,” she added.
“I’m a neurosurgeon. But I had to deliver babies in training, I’m sure it will all come flooding back,” Methos said, hastily kneeling and moving so he had a better position to assess the situation. “This your first?”
“Yes.”
“Then we’ll probably be long gone from here by the time junior actually makes an appearance, nothing to worry about. Now, if you don’t mind, I think I need to examine you, see where we are, is that okay?”
“One thing first,” she answered. Methos looked at her quizzically as the woman held out her hand. “Gwen Williams.” Methos chuckled and shook her hand.
“Doctor John Pierce, at your service Mrs. Williams,” he said.
“I think, given the circumstances, you can call me Gwen.”
*-*
The Doctor and Joe Dawson
“So, you’re a Watcher, not the Watcher. That’s something of a relief,” the Doctor said with a grin.
“And you’re not an Immortal,” Joe replied.
“Nope. I think I’m insulted by that,” the Doctor replied, frowning as he thought about it. Joe chuckled.
“Well, you can see why we thought it. Records of you appear throughout history, and there are plenty of photos and paintings. We watch Immortals, so we figured that’s what you were. Alien sure as hell never entered my mind,” he said. The Doctor smiled and nodded.
The Doctor perched himself on the edge of the stage and Joe picked up his guitar. He tuned her and then began playing, just improvising a 12-bar Blues. After a few bars he got a wicked grin on his face and then began to sing:
“I’m always on the run,
I’ve got nowhere to go,
But I gotta get out of here
Get away from my foe
Cos I’m trouble
With a capital D
Yeah I’m trouble
Best stay away from me
If I’m on your planet
Disaster’s not far behind
But don’t you worry
I fix what trouble I find
But I’m Trouble
With a capital D
I’m the Doctor
Best stay away from me”
As Joe played a brief coda, the Doctor began clapping and laughing.
“Brilliant! I don’t think anyone’s ever written me a song before. Certainly not the Blues, anyway. Thank you Joe.”
*-*
Jack/Anya-- WHEN SHE WAS A DEMON ZOMG (OMG CRACK SQUEE).
Jack looked over at the sleeping form lying next to him and sighed. Not that he was regretting anything - Anyanka had gone without for a very long time and needy sex was always great in Jack’s experience. On top of that, she was really aggressive and unbelievably flexible. It was just that she had a few… kinks that Jack wasn’t entirely comfortable with.
Even with his enlightened 51st Century attitude towards sex, he had to admit this was the first time he’d been with a Vengeance Demon. And how exactly did you leave a vengeance demon? All in all, it wasn’t one of his most intelligent decisions.
He flashed one of his smiles at her when he realised that she had woken up. She smiled back seductively and walked her fingers playfully down Jack’s bare stomach.
“I thought we might try disembowelment this time,” she said in a tone that Jack assumed was intended as playful, but which came off as threatening. He shivered involuntarily, but he was still smiling and Anyanka must have interpreted it as a shiver of anticipation because she let out a girlish giggle that disturbed Jack more than anything else.
“Oh my, is that the time? I have to go, but it’s been…surreal. We really have to do this again sometime. I’m busy for the next century or so, but who knows…” Jack yammered as he leapt out of bed and legged it toward the door, grabbing his clothes as he went.
He paused at the door to pull on his trousers and turned to flash a smile at Anyanka.
“Seriously, this was fun. I’ll call you,” he said. He pulled the door open and practically ran out of the room.
Anyanka scowled and muttered,
“Men.”
*-*
And as a bonus fic, because my cracky little brain went there:
“Oh this is just perfect,” Anya muttered.
“I told you it said eight people, but you wouldn’t listen,” Ianto pointed out, quite reasonably.
“There’s no point in blaming anybody at this point, although I do rather think that Gwen shouldn’t have eaten that last éclair,” the Doctor interjected, causing Gwen to sputter and spray cake crumbs over him.
“I’m pregnant!” she protested.
“See, so she’s already one and a half people, it isn’t my fault!” Anya said.
Joe Dawson chuckled at that, but Anya shot him a withering glare and he stopped.
“Can’t you just get us out of here?” Oz asked Anya. Anya shook her head. “Not even if one of the girls wished it?”
“Um…maybe? If it perhaps involved someone’s grizzly death?” Anya said hopefully, thinking Oz had spotted a potential loophole.
“Would it still count if the man in question was immortal?” Joe asked thoughtfully. All eyes turned to Methos.
“Well you can count me out of that!” Methos declared and backed away from Anya.
“What about Jack?” Gwen suggested. Ianto thought about this for a moment and turned to address Jack.
“Jack? Jack….? Jack! Stop shagging Faith, we’ve got an idea...”