Growing Restless
It's cold. Winter will be coming soon. So will Halloween. So will another day. Worry. I'll do some drugs to take it away momentarily but then it will only come back later even more balled up inside. I must be wierd or something I guess. Like a real freako. Little things make me nervous. I get nervous all the time...It makes me scared, or agitated. I'll be waiting in line with people at Taco Bell or something when me and Dustin go eat somewhere. I'll get scared. I wanna sit down and the only thing I am thinking about is what the people behind me are saying. This music I am listening to is soothing music. The color of my room is going to drive me through the ground soon. It has black 3 1/2 inch borders and 6 sides of walls are white. They have little clippings of previous wallpaper. The 6th wall is tore down kinda. There was a hole made in it long ago and so I just tore most of it down...My bed is kinda put up in where the closet used to be it's a pretty big closet. The right side of the wall(if you are looking at the roof when laying down) has lots of wallpaper missing from where I have ripped it all. All around my room there are many holes in the walls. I've been sitting here though. For a long time. My light in my room is out. I've never gotten to replacing it. I keep thinking about me and what I will be like in a few years and...still nervous. I have really bad nerves. One thing I have noticed about myself. When I laugh I cannot help but to raise my hand torwards my head. I've read thats a nervous tendency when you don't like people to see you. All of it points torwards some way. Why can I type all this to you and not be afraid? Simply because I cannot see you, and you cannot see me. Maybe I am so secure about my looks. Maybe from all the pale jokes and the skinny jokes. I dunno...I used to be loved and now I am afraid and it makes my sleeping patters mess up...I had them fixed but they are soon to mess up again...I woke up not too long ago. I usually now wake up at 6 am. It is like 12:00 or 1:00 or something right now. I was happy...now I am slipping into my dark hole again. I think too much..