Ficlet: Post Owls
Gen, about 1000 words.
PG maybe, for vague, gratuitous, and irrelevant trio shipping
AU episode for Chapter 5 of HBP
Summary: Hermione loses at the Internets
Post Owls
Ron slung an elbow around Harry's neck, and Harry felt that peculiar warmth surge through him again, just like earlier, when Ron and Hermione had sat to either side of him on the bed. He could almost feel the back of his ears going pink, and he looked at the floor.
"Not bad, eh mate? Everything but Divination and History of Magic, and we were always going to fail them anyway."
"Yeah," Harry grinned, stealing a sidelong glance at Ron's face. His chest was tight; something was missing, though.
"Where's Hermione?"
They looked around, then at each other, split apart and called out for her.
"In the garden," said Ginny, looking unaccountably put out. Harry spared her a briefly knitted brow and headed out the kitchen door after Ron. A few steps into the yard, he flung out an arm: Ron had nearly stepped on Hermione's wand. Harry grabbed it while Ron stumbled towards Hermione, who was crouched by a bedraggled rose bush, her face red and a bit damp and her hand held out.
"There there, it's all right," she was murmuring in a choked voice. "Ouch! Dammit!" She stood, shaking her hand and jumping on one foot.
"You weren't actually trying to pet a gnome?"
Hermione shot Ron a look that was simultaneously murderous and tragic, then turned away with her face scrunched up. Harry went up behind her and gently pried the parchment from her unbitten hand. He felt that sudden warmth again when he touched her, and turned aside to examine it.
___
Ordinary Wizarding Level Results
Pass Grades---------------------Fail Grades
Outstanding (O)-----------------Poor (P)
Exceeds Expectations (E)------Dreadful (D)
Acceptable (A)-------------------Troll (T)
~~
Hermione Jane Granger has achieved:
Ancient Runes............................O
Arithmancy...................................O
Astronomy....................................O
Care of Magical Creatures.............O
Charms.........................................O
Defense Against the Dark Arts......O
Herbology.....................................O
History of Magic...........................O
Muggle Studies............................P
Potions..........................................O
Transfiguration.............................O
___
While Harry examined the report, Hermione wandered over to the bird bath, which was full of poisonous-looking green slime, and vigorously kicked its base. "OW! DAMMIT!"
"Hermione, stop," said Ron, pulling her away. "D'you want to look like your black eye all over?"
"Oh, thank you, Ronald; that's really helpful." But suddenly her will to rage at him seemed to crumble. "Sorry," she added, in a pitiful voice.
"So, what's up?" But by that time Harry had returned with the parchment, giving Hermione a sympathetic half-smile.
"Well, I guess we know magic doesn't prevent you from being an idiot." Hermione looked mortified. "I'm talking about them, Hermione! Oh for... you've got to know how stupid this makes them look." He showed Ron the parchment.
"What?" Harry pointed. "Oh. Oh. Oops. Well. But that's fantastic, Hermione! Ten Os- you can't be disappointed about that. Percy got a million OWLs, but he didn't get O on any of them. I bet no one's ever done it before. Not since Dumbledore, anyway."
"That's not the point, Ron. I failed Muggle Studies. It's going to be on my record forever! And everyone knows it's the easiest class at Hogwarts. It's what you do if you can't do anything else. And I'm MUGGLE BORN!"
"Hermione," said Harry. "Look. It just goes to show they don't know what they're doing. Remember that thing you quoted Dumbledore saying, people won't forgive you for being right? You probably told them a lot of things they didn't know already and put their pants in a twist. You'll just become Minister for Magic or Headmistress or something and change the way the whole subject is taught. It'll be a funny story, one of these days." Hermione wasn't laughing, but she did look less likely to bite.
"Besides," added Ron helpfully. "You hadn't even been to the class in two years. It had to be a long shot."
Hermione's hands shot to her face again, and Harry looked at Ron in disbelief.
"Maybe Umbridge marked it."
"What did they ask, anyway?"
When she lowered her hands, they were relieved to see that she had gone back to outrage instead of grief.
"Oh, the questions were so piddling. And some were just wrong. I tried to be diplomatic about it, but I had to think of something that was worth saying." Harry and Ron shared a glance.
"You're really good at that! Usually," Ron assured her.
Harry was genuinely curious now. "Like what? Did they ask?"
"Well, I don't know, I suppose it is partly my fault. I mean, there was a question about batteries and I might have mixed up positive and negative charges. And I've never even tried to wire a lamp before, or make pancakes, and both were on the practical. They're obsessed with electricity; it's as though there's nothing else worth knowing about Muggles at all. And they made the girls do more cooking than the boys-- I asked around, and I'm certain of it."
"Good skill to have, though," interjected Ron, looking at the shed. "In case you're ever without ma--" Harry accidentally trod on his toe.
"They didn't ask a thing about Muggle government, except the name of the Prime Minister and what type of car he drives (trick question, of course). Or about Muggle history. I thought for certain they would ask about the second world war and how it can be distinguished from the war with Grindelwald, or about feudalism or Shakespeare or something, but there was nothing. I suppose I didn't need to explain the rise of modern science or the recent shift toward transnational political formations when they asked what a mobile phone was for, but, really, it was too stupid. They misspelled 'The Beatles'. And there was a question about currency with guineas and farthings in it."
"Do Muggles have a different sort of beetles?"
"The Beatles, Ron. Anyway, I don't know how anyone ever passes it. They just memorize the lectures, I suppose. It's shockingly bad policy; it must lead to all sorts of unnecessary obliviations."
There was a pensive pause; neither Harry nor Ron wished to interrupt this happy line of reasoning.
"Do you really think I could be Minister?"
Harry swept her up and plowed both of them into Ron, and the three of them collapsed on the weedy lawn, giggling, trying to pretend that red faces were inevitable under the circumstances.
PG maybe, for vague, gratuitous, and irrelevant trio shipping
AU episode for Chapter 5 of HBP
Summary: Hermione loses at the Internets
Post Owls
Ron slung an elbow around Harry's neck, and Harry felt that peculiar warmth surge through him again, just like earlier, when Ron and Hermione had sat to either side of him on the bed. He could almost feel the back of his ears going pink, and he looked at the floor.
"Not bad, eh mate? Everything but Divination and History of Magic, and we were always going to fail them anyway."
"Yeah," Harry grinned, stealing a sidelong glance at Ron's face. His chest was tight; something was missing, though.
"Where's Hermione?"
They looked around, then at each other, split apart and called out for her.
"In the garden," said Ginny, looking unaccountably put out. Harry spared her a briefly knitted brow and headed out the kitchen door after Ron. A few steps into the yard, he flung out an arm: Ron had nearly stepped on Hermione's wand. Harry grabbed it while Ron stumbled towards Hermione, who was crouched by a bedraggled rose bush, her face red and a bit damp and her hand held out.
"There there, it's all right," she was murmuring in a choked voice. "Ouch! Dammit!" She stood, shaking her hand and jumping on one foot.
"You weren't actually trying to pet a gnome?"
Hermione shot Ron a look that was simultaneously murderous and tragic, then turned away with her face scrunched up. Harry went up behind her and gently pried the parchment from her unbitten hand. He felt that sudden warmth again when he touched her, and turned aside to examine it.
___
Ordinary Wizarding Level Results
Pass Grades---------------------Fail Grades
Outstanding (O)-----------------Poor (P)
Exceeds Expectations (E)------Dreadful (D)
Acceptable (A)-------------------Troll (T)
~~
Hermione Jane Granger has achieved:
Ancient Runes............................O
Arithmancy...................................O
Astronomy....................................O
Care of Magical Creatures.............O
Charms.........................................O
Defense Against the Dark Arts......O
Herbology.....................................O
History of Magic...........................O
Muggle Studies............................P
Potions..........................................O
Transfiguration.............................O
___
While Harry examined the report, Hermione wandered over to the bird bath, which was full of poisonous-looking green slime, and vigorously kicked its base. "OW! DAMMIT!"
"Hermione, stop," said Ron, pulling her away. "D'you want to look like your black eye all over?"
"Oh, thank you, Ronald; that's really helpful." But suddenly her will to rage at him seemed to crumble. "Sorry," she added, in a pitiful voice.
"So, what's up?" But by that time Harry had returned with the parchment, giving Hermione a sympathetic half-smile.
"Well, I guess we know magic doesn't prevent you from being an idiot." Hermione looked mortified. "I'm talking about them, Hermione! Oh for... you've got to know how stupid this makes them look." He showed Ron the parchment.
"What?" Harry pointed. "Oh. Oh. Oops. Well. But that's fantastic, Hermione! Ten Os- you can't be disappointed about that. Percy got a million OWLs, but he didn't get O on any of them. I bet no one's ever done it before. Not since Dumbledore, anyway."
"That's not the point, Ron. I failed Muggle Studies. It's going to be on my record forever! And everyone knows it's the easiest class at Hogwarts. It's what you do if you can't do anything else. And I'm MUGGLE BORN!"
"Hermione," said Harry. "Look. It just goes to show they don't know what they're doing. Remember that thing you quoted Dumbledore saying, people won't forgive you for being right? You probably told them a lot of things they didn't know already and put their pants in a twist. You'll just become Minister for Magic or Headmistress or something and change the way the whole subject is taught. It'll be a funny story, one of these days." Hermione wasn't laughing, but she did look less likely to bite.
"Besides," added Ron helpfully. "You hadn't even been to the class in two years. It had to be a long shot."
Hermione's hands shot to her face again, and Harry looked at Ron in disbelief.
"Maybe Umbridge marked it."
"What did they ask, anyway?"
When she lowered her hands, they were relieved to see that she had gone back to outrage instead of grief.
"Oh, the questions were so piddling. And some were just wrong. I tried to be diplomatic about it, but I had to think of something that was worth saying." Harry and Ron shared a glance.
"You're really good at that! Usually," Ron assured her.
Harry was genuinely curious now. "Like what? Did they ask?"
"Well, I don't know, I suppose it is partly my fault. I mean, there was a question about batteries and I might have mixed up positive and negative charges. And I've never even tried to wire a lamp before, or make pancakes, and both were on the practical. They're obsessed with electricity; it's as though there's nothing else worth knowing about Muggles at all. And they made the girls do more cooking than the boys-- I asked around, and I'm certain of it."
"Good skill to have, though," interjected Ron, looking at the shed. "In case you're ever without ma--" Harry accidentally trod on his toe.
"They didn't ask a thing about Muggle government, except the name of the Prime Minister and what type of car he drives (trick question, of course). Or about Muggle history. I thought for certain they would ask about the second world war and how it can be distinguished from the war with Grindelwald, or about feudalism or Shakespeare or something, but there was nothing. I suppose I didn't need to explain the rise of modern science or the recent shift toward transnational political formations when they asked what a mobile phone was for, but, really, it was too stupid. They misspelled 'The Beatles'. And there was a question about currency with guineas and farthings in it."
"Do Muggles have a different sort of beetles?"
"The Beatles, Ron. Anyway, I don't know how anyone ever passes it. They just memorize the lectures, I suppose. It's shockingly bad policy; it must lead to all sorts of unnecessary obliviations."
There was a pensive pause; neither Harry nor Ron wished to interrupt this happy line of reasoning.
"Do you really think I could be Minister?"
Harry swept her up and plowed both of them into Ron, and the three of them collapsed on the weedy lawn, giggling, trying to pretend that red faces were inevitable under the circumstances.