It hurts remembering how it felt to shut down
I'm tired of breathing. I'm tired of going through life and panicking and crying. I don't want to die, I just want to turn it all off for a while. I want to reboot but I can't seem to let myself do that. I'm constantly worrying about something, I'm constantly doing something. I always thinking and overthinking, making too-elaborate plans and breaking down when I can't execute them perfectly. I'm afraid of doing things wrong so I never do anything, or I leave it until the last minute when I don't have time to plan and I just cry.
I feel stupid, like everyone else is better than me. Everyone else has more expirience, everyone else is skinnier. Often, I get treated like a baby because I only recently lost my virginity and I'm not a a slut. I get told that I'm 'picky' because I have standards. I look down on people that I think are like me, and I constantly try to fix them, like if I fix them I'll become better by osmosis.
This is my life.
Other people put pressure on me and when I felt like I couldn't handle it, I shut down. I'm still feeling the fallout from it, the dissappointment, missed deadlines, bad self esteem, eating disorders.
I know I'm smart enough to do anything I want, but I can't make myself do it, I can't force myself to calm down without breaking down.