Falling to Pieces (standalone)
Title: Falling To Pieces
Pairing/band: Broken up Gabilliam
Genre: angst
Rating: R
Warnings: Eating disorders/triggering materials. Character death and asshole!Gabe
Disclaimer: Authors lie. Like your parents. Title/cut belongs to The Script.
Notes: Thanks to my wonderful beta organize_random
William used to eat when Gabe was around, because it made Gabe sad if he skipped a meal. He didn’t care about getting fat with him, because Gabe hated all of his sharp angles. He didn’t have to be beautiful for anyone but Gabe. He didn’t have to please anyone but Gabe. He gained weight, he laughed, and he went out in public because it made Gabe happy.
“Eat, Cielo,” Gabe said, pushing the forkful of vegetables towards William’s mouth like he was feeding a baby.
“No, I-I can’t. I don’t w-wanna. P-p-please, “ William protested half heartedly. His stomach churned at the thought of food. He wanted to purge what little he’d already eaten.
Gabe’s hands slapped the table as he stood up. William cringed and looked down at his lap. “Goddamn it, William. Why won’t you just fucking eat?!” he yelled. William held back sobs as he wrung his hands in his lap.
“I-I can’t. I-I’m sorry,” William said, choking back tears. Gabe was mad at him; he was a failure.
Gabe gritted his teeth to hold himself back. He wanted to hit William, he was wanted to hold him, he wanted to shake some sense into him, and he wanted to pet him, all at the same time. He turned around silently and walked toward the door.
William stumbled out of his chair and to Gabe. “N-no, wait! I’m sorry! I’ll e-eat, I swear! I’m sorry, I can’t-” he stuttered, grabbing Gabe’s chest and pulling his shirt. He sobbed into the fabric. Gabe dragged him a few steps before he peeled him off and nearly threw him back. William hit the wall and felt a blunt pain in his head. He saw, through his tears, the faint outline of Gabe opening the door and turning back.
“I’m tired of being your fucking hero!” he spat before slamming the door behind him. The sound made William’s teeth rattle as his vision went blurry. He reached back and felt something wet on his head and in his hair.
When William woke up, he stumbled to his feet. He was always stumbling from lightheadedness. His head hurt s and the light burns his eyes.
“Gabe?” he shouts into the house. He stumbles into the bedroom looking for him. He goes to check the time of his watch and sees the dried blood on his hands. The memories rush back to him. He sits on the bed as Gabe’s last words to him echo back to him, over and over. The tears rush to his eyes and down his cheeks as he curls up into a fetal position of the mattress they used to share. They’d fought before, like any couple, usually about what William ate. Gabe had never walked out or said anything with such distain. He always helped him regulate his breathing, told him he was beautiful, and stayed with him all night until he calmed down enough to manage a fitful sleep. William cried until he couldn’t anymore. He curled up with the sheets on the bed until he fell asleep.
Days later, Travis came by to pick up Gabe’s stuff. He found William in his state and helped him out of bed and into the shower. He dressed him in decent clothes and checked the wound on his head, cleaning it with an alcohol pad from the first aid kit. He made him eat a few bites of oatmeal and take the vitamins that Gabe had bought him. William thanked him and tried to help Travis pack Gabe’s clothes. He was shooed away, so William went to the living room.
With each box of stuff that Travis carried out to the car, William felt heart sink a little lower. Gabe really wasn’t ever coming back. He choked on sobs and held back wails. His chest hurt and his stomach churned. His vision blurred and he slipped away to the bathroom. He dropped to his knees in front of the toilet before throwing up into the water. His palms were sweating and his hands shook. When William purged it was like his was expelling every bad feeling he had. The rush of endorphins was as good as any high, but it didn’t help today. He flushed and rested his head on the cool porcelain. Tears fell from his eyes onto the tile floor and his breathing quickened. He couldn’t find it in him to take a steady, deep breath. Gabe’s last words and the sound of that door slamming shut spun around in his mind. He couldn’t think properly. Gabe’s not coming back, he thought, He left me here to die.
When William finally calmed down, Travis was gone and so was Gabe’s stuff. He stood up on shaking legs and walked to the bedroom.
The next few months were a blur. William’s mother came sometimes to force feed him and shove vitamins down his throat, but he purged those. Gabe didn’t want him anymore. He had to be skinny, he had to make someone want him, but they wouldn’t want him when he was fat as a cow. William was hungry all the time. He felt like a failure, because Gabe had made him such a fat-ass that he was spoiled and he was never going to be pretty again for anyone.
And William was falling to pieces.
It started with his hair. Sometimes it’d fall out in his fingers when he pulled it away from his face or it’d fall out in the shower. When brushed its long chestnut locks he noticed them was lighter, stringy, and less full. He’s pull off the remnants from the brush every time just to see how much he’d lost. His skin was paler and a bit more yellowish. His eyes were puffy from tears and the color seemed duller. He was getting thinner every day and found it hard to stand up for long periods of time. He had a panic attack the first time one of his teeth fell out. No one wants someone with their teeth missing. He was starting to black out for long periods of time. He sometimes forgot things. There were holes in his memory like the holes in his teeth. He didn’t remember his first kiss but he’s always remember Gabe’s last words and the earsplitting sound of the slamming door; it was the only thing on his mind other than what a fat pig he was. His mother forced him to drink water and milk every day. She always threatened to send him to treatment if he didn’t. He didn’t want to go away. He didn’t want to go anywhere. He felt safe here.
Sometimes he’s just cry out in anguish. His chest hurt so badly sometimes and he was sure his heart was broken. He called Travie everyday but Gabe refused to talk to him. He would beg and plead for him to put Gabe on the line. Told him that he was falling apart and how every part of his body hurt without Gabe there. His muscles hurt everyday and his hands shook. He couldn’t write anymore because he couldn’t think straight and he didn’t draw anymore because he was too tired. William’s mother took him into the emergency room one day when William wouldn’t eat or drink and could barely walk. They put him on IV nutrition. They could only legally hold him for three days, so he checked himself out. His skin was fuller and so was his hair. He felt stronger. No more teeth fell out, and he started to take his calcium vitamins after the doctor assured him repeatedly that they had no fat and wouldn’t make him gain weight and they’d help with his teeth. After a while of not eating, his strength left him. He forgot to take the calcium. He started to trip everywhere. The tips of his fingers turned blue and his hand were always cold. He stopped even getting out of bed because he was so tired. He still remembered to call Travis every day.
“Hey, Bilvy,” Travie answered.
“Is Gabe there?” William asked right away.
“Yes.”
“Can I talk to him?”
“William, you know-”
William cut him off, “Can you at least ask?”
William heard a muffled conversation.
“Hello?” a familiar voice said.
“Gabe? Is it you?” William nearly squealed.
“Guillerimo, I can’t come back. I’m not your hero and you’re not mine to save. You need to get well. It hurts me to hear about you, and what you’re doing to yourself,” Gabe said immediately.
“Gabe, I can’t get well without you, please come back or just sit and t-talk for a w-while,” William pleaded. “I can change for you. I’ll be beautiful for you!”
“Can’t you see that you’re sick?! You need to get help; help that I can’t give you or you’ll die,” Gabe told him.
“I’ll try, Gabe. I don’t want help. I can do this on my own. Will you at least answer the phone when I call?” William promised.
“No.”
The line went dead.
William couldn’t sleep after that. He stopped calling and he stopped hoping. He locked the door and never got up to answer it. He lost more hair and his skin lost more color.
Once, he got up to go to the bathroom. He kicked the door softly to open it and felt his leg break. It was excruciating. He called an ambulance. When he got to the hospital they’d told him he’d shattered his entire femur from that little kick.
He was falling apart, shattering into tiny pieces. He was a bare skeleton now and his hair was thin. His teeth had cavities and even more had fallen out.
He refused IV nutrition and went home.
A few days later his heart was hurting especially bad. His breathing was slowing and he was slipping in and out of consciousness. He screamed in pain and prayed for any hope from a God that had long since forgotten him. He prayed to die, he prayed to live, he prayed for Gabe, but mostly he prayed to be beautiful. He couldn’t keep his eyes open and when he did he couldn’t make out much. It was dark but he couldn’t bring himself to turn the lamp on. I’m going to die like this. Alone and in the dark, he thought. It hurt so badly. He shivered and sobbed but no tears came. His heart gave one more last stutter and he caught one more ragged breathe before he closed his eyes, still praying.
Praying for Gabe.