So, this isnt going to be pretty...
I'm not sure if this happens to anyone else, but I have times (however rarely) that I just need to cry. Not because there is anything in particular wrong, thats not it at all. I just need to rid myself of these emotions that I keep locked up inside day in and day out. This is one of those times. I just had a great night, a wonderful night you could say. I get into bed tonight and on here to relax and find something to occupy my time tonight because I have a feeling I will be awake by myself tonight. It just hit me, I needed to cry. I knew I needed to. Tears, streaming down my face, salty on my lips, glistening in the pale light. Refreshing. The night time is my favorite time of the entire day. Its not because I am a "night person". It is because thats when my body says "Wake up!" I don't particularly enjoy the darkness. To be completely honest with you, Im quite scared of whats in the dark. But the stars, the stars alone are enough to keep me subdued. I have three stars that I wish on. Sounds silly I know, but they have always been my stars. Astronomers would call them Orion's belt. I call them my stars. When you want something so bad that you wish on a star, shouldnt there be someone there listening? Shouldnt there be some sort of magic 8-ball screen up there that would tell you to "Ask again later!" if God was busy. But there isn't. And nights after months after years I have asked. I have asked, and just like that old trusty 8-ball, it only works if you can believe in what you are asking. If you can believe in yourself enough to get what you are asking for in most cases. Im tired, cant someone for once say "Jade, this is what God has planned for you." That would be too easy. That would mean my heart wouldnt hurt ever again, that I wouldn't need to feel fear, that I could believe in myself. I have a hard time sleeping in the dark. Even 15 years after I was first raped, I still have trouble sleeping in complete dark and silence. I learned then that I needed background noise. I didnt want to hear what was coming because I was powerless to stop whatever it was anyway. The only way I could sleep was to imagine I was a rock. This might sound strange but I still do this. I used to picture that my bed was a rock, and I was safe inside this rock, nothing could get me. I would picture watching things from inside my rock, kids would kick me down the street, giants would sit on me and take a rest, and before long, I was asleep. My brother, many many long years ago, had taking me camping out in the back yard. Travis, and my two sisters, Jamie and Erin, and my other brother, Chucky, laid there for hours. I was always a talker, and like I said, I cant sleep very well at night. Well, as you can imagine, everyone else was sleeping, and Travis was having a hard enough time trying to prop his eyes open to hear every last word I was saying. Finally he told me that I should close my eyes and make up a smurf cartoon of my very own and watch it on the back of my eyelids. I know that this was just a way to get me to shut up (it didnt work by the way, for the first ten minutes I narrated out loud.) but it worked. I was out like a light. I still do this too. It helps me relax, leave behind what I am, where I am. When I was younger, my grandma would come in and tuck me in to go to sleep. She would leave the light on for me, because she knew, she understood. I would fall asleep, and as I still do, I would kick all the blankets off of myself and then lay there and shiver (how fricken stupid is that huh) and my grandma would come in and tuck me back in and wrap me up like a burrito and then turn the lights out. I remember faintly the way it felt to have someone watching over you that way. After she died, I slept at my grandpas one night, and I had kicked all the blankets off. (I knew because I was in that half-awake/half-asleep phase but I was too damn tired to care and I was plenty warm enough (grandpa liked keeping the heat up and he could now cause no one would hit him in the head with a frying pan for it ;) ... he still does to this day, I practically gotta open the window in the winter to breathe.) When I woke up in the time before the sun rose, I was tucked in so tightly, so warmly... I cried. I cried because she was gone. I cried because I knew I would never find someone to watch over me like that ever again. I cried because I needed to cry, just like I'm doing right now. Like my heart is breaking into a million pieces for no reason what so ever. I only cry like this in the dark, because no one else can see. I only cry like this when Im alone. I dont cry for any particular reason. I don't usually cry for any particular person. But when its time, I know it is. Tonight, it was time. The perfect time to be alone, to shed my tears without interruption, to let my heart break and then put all the pieces back together again. Now, I'm all put back together. Amazing journey isn't it? I didnt even really talk about anything important. I just needed to talk. I just needed to salt up my t-shirt a little. :) I just needed to breathe.