fic: lift (force)
Title: "Lift (Force)"
Fandom: Skins RPF
Characters: Lily, Kaya
Rating: R for language
Word count: 4770
Summary: There are basically four forces of flight: lift, drag, thrust and weight. Though in this case, it's more like thrust, weight, drag, then lift, unfortunately.
Disclaimer: All characters are property of themselves, all is obviously untrue. This is a work of fiction for fiction and it couldn't be further from the intention of infringement/libel if it tried.
A/N: Thanks bucketloads to yesssirrr for the beta, despite being super busy. This wouldn't have even come close to anything without your help.
Lily tried a few short breathing exercises and shook out her limbs a bit before she would begin to introduce herself. Everyone was her peer so it shouldn't be too hard. It was all manageably easy until a girl with long, dark hair and a bright smile approached her, or at least that's how she remembered it.
"Hi, I'm Kaya." She shot out her hand. Lily took a few moments to reach out hers, but when she did, the handshake felt like it took even longer.
"Hey, I'm Lily." Turns out it was only shaken twice.
Having to finally interact with someone she had only seen on telly turned out to be a lot more nerve-wracking than she bargained for.
-
"See, I told you meeting her wouldn't be so painful," Meg said from behind her psychology book. "Just a few awkward pauses and it was over. She's really a lot nicer than Effy, you know."
Lily had met Meg before most of everyone else, allowing her to be her confessor of sorts, whether she wanted to be or not.
"I think Effy's quite nice," Lily said matter-of-factly.
The corner of Meg's mouth twitched. "Then I don't think you and I have watched the same show." She picked up her highlighter and uncapped it with her mouth. Immediately, she started rapidly going over paragraphs. "We've only known each other for a day, right, and aside from what Kat's said about you, I'm pretty sure I've figured you out."
Lily crossed her arms. "Yeah, Dr. Prescott?" She tilted up her chin. "What dost thou learnings conclude?"
She tapped her fingers, waiting impatiently for an answer she thought would genuinely help her, but Meg took her time in poring over her text book and jotting quick notes. "You know, I don't really know yet," she stopped to look up, "but I'm sure that when I do, I'll get right back to you," Meg smirked. "'Kay?"
After a few moments, Lily's face set into a hard glare. This girl is not your ordinary giver of advice. "I hope you know that I sincerely dislike you." She stepped out in a huff in a mostly obsequious rage. By the time the door closed, she heard uproarious laughter seep out through the cracks.
It was kind of hilarious.
-
Soon she found herself walking to set in the woods after the sun had already retreated. It was absolutely freezing and there were sharp shadows creeping everywhere. It was a good thing Lily loved her job.
"Loveless, Loveless, Loveless," Kaya almost sang as she approached, skipping.
"Kaya, Kaya, Kaya."
"Tell me something." She hooked her arm through Lily's, whose hands were stuffed fully into her oversized coat.
"What?" Lily encouraged with a smile. There were things she noticed now about the girl snuggled next to her that she didn't before, like how well she fit, or how much she actually liked it. She felt a strong urge to turn her head and just look at her.
"Why are you," she stretched out with a gaze, "named Loveless, when I've heard that you are unmistakably quite the lover?"
Lily blushed. "Excuse me?" She studied every leaf on the ground, the crunch crunch magnified in her ears.
"I mean, your name is a lie, in point of fact. You're lying to people."
"But it's my real name. I can't go around telling everyone a fake name."
In that second, Luke managed to creep up behind them. "Ooh, low blow," he playfully hissed through his teeth.
"My name isn't fake either," she said, looking pointedly at Luke. He passed them fully grinning. She shifted her focus back. "I just shortened it. Besides, you totally can."
"Can what?"
"Lie." She bumped purposely into her side. "We're actors."
"Yeah, but--it's just my name, I don't really feel like lying about that. And I didn't even mean it before, about yours. Scodelario, I like it. It's exotic."
"That's not all that's exotic about me, you know." Kaya removed her arm and trotted forward into set. Lily looked ahead for a bit, at Kaya, the crew, then back at Kaya's retreating form. So mostly she was staring at a girl, but she didn't think anything of it.
"Hah, I'm sure," she muttered to no one in particular, a few minutes too late. Later, they'd laugh about Kaya's supposed exotic nature in between setups. It helped brighten up the dark forest.
-
"Guys, what d'you think?"
Lily turned around to reveal another one of her awkward yet brilliantly pulled-off getups.
"That," Meg said disbelievingly, "is neither granny chic nor jock chic."
They were all getting ready for an outing that invited the entire cast and everyone was putting on something casual while still trying to maintain standout-ish. Lily looked at herself, straightening out her shirt the best she could. "I thought it was geek chic, kinda."
"What kind of geeks have you been hanging out with? I bet they were fans of American malls, yeah?" Kaya observed with a spoonful of yogurt in her mouth.
Meg chortled. "Definitely mullet chic."
"How many times can we say 'chic' in under a minute?" Kaya mused.
"About as many times Kat can wear her denim jacket to events," Meg tried to say under her breath, but failed.
"Shut up," Kat responded in defense. She stretched her arms out in front of her. "I really do like it. Doesn't it work?"
Everyone tried to stifle their laughter at first, but Kaya ended up cackling openly, loudly.
Good thing her yogurt was put down, Lily thought, otherwise it would have ended up flying everywhere. And who'd clean that up? She pondered the repercussions in her head.
Meg tried to hold out for the sake of her sister, but couldn't. Later, Kat joined in on losing it, which certainly didn't help anyone from stopping any time soon.
Kaya looked across the room in the middle of their fit of giggles and she and Lily shared a glance. For a bit, it seemed like the room was still, but then they continued laughing and everything was moving again.
Lily felt exuberant. This was going to be fun.
Truth be told, they were all definitely close by the time the third series stopped shooting, but they hadn't properly seen each other since then. So a wrap party scheduled during the hiatus was exactly what she needed. Honestly, it was about time she was out and about, seeing very familiar faces.
"You think you're ready, Loveless?" Slyly, Kaya nudged into her.
"For what?"
"What else? For drinking until you drop. For life, Lils."
Lily chuckled. "Why wouldn't I be?"
"Just curious," she replied with a lilt in her voice as she walked away. It didn't matter that this was technically work, it was time to have fun, and Lily was glad someone was there to show her that.
Lily, self-admittedly, never met someone who could drink half as much as Kaya did and retain such functionality before. She quickly became anxious to see it often in this kind of environment.
And the more drunk she got, the more excitable she became whenever she heard Kaya mention her name. It's the little things, really, she told herself. No one had to know.
Well into the night, she became pretty sure she wanted to stay exceedingly close to Kaya, who found herself close to vodka, which later made its way close to the toilet. Regardless, Lily stuck by.
"Mmrff, I'm positive I'm still going to have a marvelous hangover in the morning."
"What a shame." Lily slowly replied.
Lazy smile seemingly permanent on her face, Kaya managed, "Life is all about shame, Lil. Didn't anyone tell you?"
Lily had the faint knowledge that she froze, buzz not currently helping. She stood straight on two feet. "What?"
Kaya looked increasingly Effy-like by the minute. "You'll see," she said ominously.
The buzz turned into the spins all of a sudden, and Lily was soon aware she needed to get as far away from Effy-like Kaya as fast as possible. Luke saw her--nearly catches her--on her way out and when he asked what was wrong, she vaguely responded with something about Kaya and the loo and "Why can't she just feel better already?" and that was that.
-
Sometime in the night, Kat runs into her. Possibly literally, but who knows. Could have been the other way around.
"All right? You look like you've been through a complete wash cycle."
"Yeah?" Lily tried to balance herself while her body only felt like it wanted to lie down. "Weird night; certainly unpredictable."
"I'll say. You seen my sister? I thought she'd be with Kaya." Kat finished her fag with one last drag. "And I thought you were with Kaya." She flicked it off in another direction she couldn't see.
"Yeah, I .. dunno." Lily rolled her shoulders. "I don't know, really."
Kat didn't seem to care whether she was lying or just confused, but she looked at her sideways for a second before looking at her directly. "Lily, I'm not an idiot. You're more obvious than a can of beans."
More befuddled than ever, Lily mumbled, "I thought you didn't smoke"
"Rethinking things is an option, you know. Before they get worse? And they can, with yourself and others in mind, I mean."
Lily blinked. "What? I'm being careful."
"Sometimes being careful isn't enough. Sometimes you get what you want and it isn't what's best." Kat set her mouth in a thin line and stayed that way for a bit. "What you do with your love life is fine, just be wary of messing with more than you can handle."
"Hm," Lily grumbled, trying to remain firm
A beat or two passed and Kat was itching to get back to where the party was. "Whatever, I'm gonna go get absolutely pissed. If you care to join me, you know where I'll be." She turned on her heel and went back towards the thumping bass.
Lily didn't follow. Instead, she gulped and tried hard not to toss. She noticed she couldn't get rid of a certain bitter taste now firmly rooted in the back of her mouth, slowly creeping its way forward. It wasn't bile, it was something more visceral. Whatever it was, she decided she didn't like it and most likely had something to do with what just happened. Possibly.
She decided to call Kaya. No one picked up, but she talks anyway.
"Hello? It's me, Lily. Listen, I need to tell you something. And I don't care if I'm not supposed to, okay? I'm telling you now. And maybe we'll see each other tomorrow. . ."
She easily doesn't remember much of the night the next day.
-
It's when she wakes up that she recalls leaving a thoroughly plastered message on Kaya's phone.
"Oh fuck."
It takes her another half an hour to recollect the details preceding it (she can't). "Oh shit."
And the next whole hour she spends remembering the bulk of what she'd actually said (she does).
"Oh fucking shit."
She jumps when someone knocks on her door. She opens it with slight hesitation.
"Oh hey, Kaya--"
"What the fuck, Lily? I mean ... What was that? Where did any of that even come from?" She came in immediately and started to pace the room from side to side, which, really, were only a few feet in length.
"I know it was completely unwarranted but--"
"You're telling me."
Lily gave up. "Okay, maybe some of it was warranted. I'm done not addressing things properly; it's already out in the open, so let's .. talk through it, yeah?"
Kaya stopped pacing and looked at her incredulously. "So you're saying--what are you saying?"
"That I think we should give this a go."
"Don't be a twat."
"How so?" Lily threw up her hands in defeat. "Come on, lay it on me."
"You don't just jump into a relationship 'cos you think you fancy someone."
"Who said anything about a relationship? Jesus, I just said I think I like you. And it's not just like a drunken confession. I'm not ashamed of it, not anymore." It dawned on her that Kaya probably felt the same way, or somewhat, otherwise she wouldn't be here looking incredibly worried. Otherwise Kaya would've stormed out or never even come. She wouldn't be trying, in her own earnest way, to offer a solution without an agenda. Her anger was a farce, she noticed, as it gradually faded.
They stood there silently for a moment, Lily looking askance and Kaya staring straight ahead. After a beat, Kaya strained to say something, but remained noiseless. Instead, Lily took to rubbing at her forehead and groaned out, "This is a wretched way to treat a hangover, even if it is way past noon." She shifted her weight from one foot to the other as she crossed her free arm over her torso.
The space seemed to grow several square feet in the short span of time they stayed standing. But time didn't register. Not much did. Just Kaya being in the room with this newfound knowledge did. Kaya, in this room, knowing exactly what she couldn't remember. She'd confessed all sorts of things, but she wasn't clear on why. It bothered her more than it would anyone else, perhaps because she obsessed over particulars, needing to understand events that introduce themselves to others--that's how things make sense. This didn't.
"Lily," Kaya tentatively took a step forward. "Can I say something?"
"'Course." She barely had any ideas left, let alone anything constructive.
"Look. You're expecting a fight, for me to run out at any given time." She gestured forward with her head. "See, it's like you're bracing yourself for something."
Kaya moved towards her, closing in on the distance that Lily was measuring in minute increments. She could feel something was happening. If only she could put her finger on what.
A heavy sigh weighed things down in their atmosphere, but Kaya perked up. "You can rest assured, you know," she offered before she made her way in deliberate strides towards Lily, her unexpected proximity nearly knocking her off her feet. It ended in a deliberate push against her body. "I can help you with that hangover."
She didn't have the chance to decide on a reply because a second later, Kaya covered her mouth with her own, resulting in Lily being dumfounded and Kaya a tiny bit bemused. Finally, she kissed her back, and she really couldn't have imagined it any better. The real thing was exactly as it was, solid and soft, moving quickly onto rough and forceful, and unpredictably, Lily responded passively. Even more unpredictably, Kaya remained the aggressor.
A red flag went up in her head. "Wait, hold on. Since when is this okay?" Lily mentally processed the repercussions.
Kaya barely reacted. "I'm figuring it out as I go along." She leaned in for more. "Aren't you?"
"Yeah, sure." She barely said it above a whisper. No matter how headfirst this might be, they were going to figure it out later. Kaya's tongue on her lips felt too good to give up, she decided.
Her room started to shrink, with the walls closing in on her and her back flat against one of them. None of this was going to be like anything she'd gone through before, that was for sure.
-
Weeks flew by before they'd come to any kind of discussion. They didn't even end up trying to articulate their situation, as they came to call it, and It would've helped, loads, if they'd just done it, any of it, but not a single sodding thing was said. It was the discourse that would never be, it seemed.
This went on until series four started being discussed through its planning stages, which is to say, too long.
Lily didn't meet Kaya's eye all throughout rehearsals; she really didn't have much to do with her at all. It didn't matter in retrospect and should anyone notice, she could explain it away with something about memorizing the script or simply indifference towards anything that doesn't have to do with lines. There are many intricacies in acting to be considered, one mustn't forget.
What Lily didn't expect was to see Kaya casually have chats with Kat every now and then, and for some entirely unbeknownst reason, pulling her aside privately, away from everybody. Meg didn't follow, which basically resulted in Lily almost having a conniption for two reasons: Meg is closer to Kaya anyway, so what's the big idea? And secondly, well, the second is the thing they don't talk about. Ever. So, she pushed it aside and buried her head into heavy-duty stapled pages of words upon words made just for pretend. Simple.
-
Figuratively speaking (and more often than not, a bit literally as well), she felt like she was moving completely backwards.
"I can't keep sneaking around my boyfriend for you, Scods. You have to at least tell me how you feel." She bunched up a fistful of fabric from Kaya's shirt into a tight grasp. "Anything." She drew herself closer until she couldn't smell anything other than whatever perfume was on Kaya's neck. "Something." It was almost an interrogation than it was a simple conversation. She loosened up a bit.
"Why does that matter? You said this was nothing."
"No, I said this wouldn't be a relationship."
"So, it's ... it's a thing. What more?"
"Oh, I don't know, this crazy notion called emotions?" Lily took a step back, leaning her shoulders against a wall, feeling huddled up in a tight space once again.
Kaya casually tipped her head back. "Who cares about your boyfriend? Honestly."
"I do," Lily retorted defensively. "And I think Meg 'cos she wants to be friends with him or something, I dunno." She broke eye contact and looked down.
"No, she just wants things to work out." Kaya brushed her fingertips up Lily's forearm. "For you."
"What about you?" She bit the inside of her cheek and released it. "Don't you want things to work out?"
The lack of noise stretched for miles, weighing down a ton on what seemed to have just been a few inches between them a second before. Nothingness felt like something and for a change, Lily was magnetized to these things that didn't make sense.
Eyes downcast, the girl in front of her readied herself to say something possibly big, but at the last second, decided against it. "I'm tired. I think I'm gonna go home."
Lily didn't feel like staring at her walking away this time, or ever again actually. She didn't like feeling left behind.
-
She replayed the same scene over and over in her head. The image in reality varied in sorts, such as differing times of day and differing locations, but it always ended identically. Except, thought Lily, this one time, they'd gone to an upscale restaurant and during one of their quiet bits, Kaya turned to an older couple caught staring and exclaimed, 'If you take a picture, you can wank off to it later, you know,' like it was no big deal. And to her horror, it only made her fall for her just a little bit more.
But the demanding shooting schedule of this ragtag gang continued, letting the show go on as it were. Lily couldn't stop, however unsettling it was, revisiting what had been. To her credit though, she tried, with absolute fervor that only resulted in her getting into character more easily. Acting was a form of release to her; she never brought her personal life into it.
Meg seemed to think differently. "I think something's up, babe, and I want to hear from you what it is."
They spent their break holed up in their temporary flat, a musical chairs of actors awaiting their next busy scene to block. Though it seemed like just a flat sometimes.
"Why, did Kat say something?" She took an extra liberty to sound exceptionally sarcastic.
"What're you rolling your eyes at my sister for? Are you guys not getting on over whatever?" Meg talked to her from the doorway as Lily trudged over to an armchair and plopped herself onto it. She leaned her forehead onto her hand. "Well?" Meg insisted. An astounding "No" came from Lily's mouth that Meg didn't really take well to.
"No need to be rude about it."
"I'm sorry, it's just--it's not about Kat. Okay?"
"Good, 'cos I hate talking about her all the time, yeah?" She walked over to sit on her bed and Lily straightened her posture a bit.
"Yeah," Lily sighed out.
"It's about Kaya then?" Meg rationalized.
Lily peeked through her fingers. "You're not as slow on the uptake as you think you are, you know that?"
Meg half-shrugged. "It's either that or everyone else knows by now and I'm the only one who cares enough to ask."
"I sincerely hope it's not the second part." She turned her head to the side. "God, I hope it's not the second part." She breathed out the largest sigh before continuing. "I like her y'know? Like, I really like her."
"Spare me, okay? I don't think I really want to picture it. And we have that wretched storyline coming up, mind you."
"Sorry, forgot," she stammered. That was the truth, and it was quite the achievement considering the explicit nature of the orgy-like episode that was written for them. And as intriguing as it was, it was far from the matter at hand.
"But we don't talk through anything. And I thought it'd be okay if we just avoided each other, but now she just bails completely and talks to Kat." She paused to motion with her hand dramatically. "She never talks to Kat! The most they've interacted ever was over something about shoes and favorite Stoli flavors, and that's pretty fucking insubstantial, don't you think?"
"Who cares who she talks to in her spare time, don't you have a boyfriend to break up with?"
"That's not the point."
Meg scoffed. "A right laugh you are, that is totally the point. You think she doesn't give a shit?"
Lily turned to face her with a bit of a shocked look and not a single thing to say. Meg snorted. "Are you figuring it out yet?"
"Maybe? God, why can't this just be easy?"
"It usually isn't when it matters. And when we're not fucking sixty-four."
She chuckled. "I guess I just wish I was wise beyond my years. I dress for it well enough."
Meg rolled her eyes and took a second before smirking. "I don't know what either of you see in each other." To this, Lily just offered a winning smile and took the oncoming pillow thrown at her in stride.
-
There were times of quietude, despite her sometimes restless demeanor. She took those moments seriously.
Amidst the high-octane times that were supposed to be their formative career, Lily knew her place in it all. She knew she wasn't going to jump from person to person or get plastered so profusely that fun is all it is and nothing more; small things that become big things mean everything to her. She knows she spends an exorbitant amount of time remembering how things feel and how they should for others, or at least how she hopes. Experiences are to be had and attributed, not to be disposed of or mentioned offhandedly. It took her a moment to remember when she felt happiest, when any of it meant the most, when she'd look up and feel like there wasn't any weight heavy on her shoulders, or anywhere.
It took her a moment. But she got there.
She bent to pick up her mobile from the end table and scrolled down the list of numbers to get to her boyfriend's.
She didn't breathe in and she didn't bite her lip. Instead she just spoke. "Hey. We need to talk."
-
The shoots became so hectic over the next few weeks that no one could barely even keep track of proper sleep cycles, let alone facets their personal lives.
Thankfully, Naomi and Effy didn't have many scenes together so avoidances or just general non-interactive behavior went over nicely. Distractions, like talking to one of the sixteen grips on set, didn't hinder any either. Shooting this last scene, however, took undeniably longer than ever, so when it wrapped, everyone couldn't be happier. She's walking away from the least joyous breakdown ever, when Kaya catches up from behind her.
Trying to mentally steel herself, she bent her head straight down. She kept walking forward.
"Lils, wait up." She hates it when she calls her that. Of all the abbreviations, really. "Loveless!" She turned around. "What, did you not hear me?"
"No, I didn't." Stressing each syllable, Lily managed to look peeved, tired, and in contempt all at once.
"But, I was like, right behind you."
"Kaya, I'm tired. Can't we just do this ..."
"Another time?" Kaya weakly attempted a smile for comfort. "Isn't that what I say?" She moved a lock of hair behind her ear.
"Yeah, it is, innit." Lily hung her head. She waited for courage to bubble up, but all that came was desperation. She bit the inside of her cheek. Now or never. "I'm sorry I left you with Freddie that night. When you were emptying the contents of your stomach." The words stumbled out of her mouth. "And I want you. I want for this to be real, not to hurt."
"Those two aren't mutually exclusive, I hear. And I'm sure your boyfriend would love to--"
"It's off. It's over, poof."
Kaya blinked mid-sentence. She stared in disbelief and stammered out, "What? He ... you--huh." A small, real smile formed and changed the look on her entire face significantly. "That's .. I like that. Good to know." She stared mutely for a beat, cheeks reddening and strands of hair going astray. Lily widened her eyes to try and snap herself out of staring at her, to which Kaya aptly replied, "Right then."
She leaned forward to quickly kiss Lily square on the lips.
Lily liked this sudden surprise. It was like a gift. A thoughtful, rather pleasing gift.
Thoroughly distracted, she reminded herself of everything she'd previously contemplated and took the moment to really talk for once. "I need you to know that this, to me, you, us--they're things I want. All of it. I need it, every fucking day, and I don't care to know why anymore. Not knowing why doesn't bother me."
"Me neither. I mean, I know why, but I can't bring myself to care." Kaya tucked her forefinger into the closest of Lily's belt loops. She moved her other hand up to rest lightly on her shoulder. "I never did. I wish you knew that."
"Then ..." Lily moved in to wrap her hands around Kaya's hips. Her thumbs danced on the shape of her bones. She shifted even closer. "Could I ask you something?" Kaya closed her eyes and nodded.
Lily leaned in, close enough to touch Kaya's nose with her own. "Why'd you start talking to Kat all of a sudden?" Kaya softly landed her mouth on the edge of Lily's pout in an attempt to blow over the oncoming conversation, but Lily barely complied. She wanted her question answered.
"Does it matter?" Kaya sighed out. Lily pouted even more, which was kind of humorous, but still her form of a reply.
"Because. I knew she would tell me what you wouldn't." They pulled back to look at each other directly now.
"What, that I'm worth it somehow?"
"No, she told me that you're not."
Lily smiled. "And you believed her?"
"Exactly. That's definitely why I'm here right now."
"Shut up." She softly reached in and locked her hands right above the small of Kaya's back. Their foreheads touched for a second, lips brushing against each other's for a little more, then Lily bowed her head down to kiss the base of Kaya's neck. She kissed it twice more and said, "I like this a lot, I hope you know." Kaya squeezed Lily's forearm where it met her elbow and whispered, "I know," then turned her head slightly to kiss Lily on her temple. "Me, too."
Neither felt tired by the time the night came. At least not as much as they should've been. They were downright floating on nothing and, to be frank, positively could not feel any safer.
--
End
Fandom: Skins RPF
Characters: Lily, Kaya
Rating: R for language
Word count: 4770
Summary: There are basically four forces of flight: lift, drag, thrust and weight. Though in this case, it's more like thrust, weight, drag, then lift, unfortunately.
Disclaimer: All characters are property of themselves, all is obviously untrue. This is a work of fiction for fiction and it couldn't be further from the intention of infringement/libel if it tried.
A/N: Thanks bucketloads to yesssirrr for the beta, despite being super busy. This wouldn't have even come close to anything without your help.
Lily tried a few short breathing exercises and shook out her limbs a bit before she would begin to introduce herself. Everyone was her peer so it shouldn't be too hard. It was all manageably easy until a girl with long, dark hair and a bright smile approached her, or at least that's how she remembered it.
"Hi, I'm Kaya." She shot out her hand. Lily took a few moments to reach out hers, but when she did, the handshake felt like it took even longer.
"Hey, I'm Lily." Turns out it was only shaken twice.
Having to finally interact with someone she had only seen on telly turned out to be a lot more nerve-wracking than she bargained for.
-
"See, I told you meeting her wouldn't be so painful," Meg said from behind her psychology book. "Just a few awkward pauses and it was over. She's really a lot nicer than Effy, you know."
Lily had met Meg before most of everyone else, allowing her to be her confessor of sorts, whether she wanted to be or not.
"I think Effy's quite nice," Lily said matter-of-factly.
The corner of Meg's mouth twitched. "Then I don't think you and I have watched the same show." She picked up her highlighter and uncapped it with her mouth. Immediately, she started rapidly going over paragraphs. "We've only known each other for a day, right, and aside from what Kat's said about you, I'm pretty sure I've figured you out."
Lily crossed her arms. "Yeah, Dr. Prescott?" She tilted up her chin. "What dost thou learnings conclude?"
She tapped her fingers, waiting impatiently for an answer she thought would genuinely help her, but Meg took her time in poring over her text book and jotting quick notes. "You know, I don't really know yet," she stopped to look up, "but I'm sure that when I do, I'll get right back to you," Meg smirked. "'Kay?"
After a few moments, Lily's face set into a hard glare. This girl is not your ordinary giver of advice. "I hope you know that I sincerely dislike you." She stepped out in a huff in a mostly obsequious rage. By the time the door closed, she heard uproarious laughter seep out through the cracks.
It was kind of hilarious.
-
Soon she found herself walking to set in the woods after the sun had already retreated. It was absolutely freezing and there were sharp shadows creeping everywhere. It was a good thing Lily loved her job.
"Loveless, Loveless, Loveless," Kaya almost sang as she approached, skipping.
"Kaya, Kaya, Kaya."
"Tell me something." She hooked her arm through Lily's, whose hands were stuffed fully into her oversized coat.
"What?" Lily encouraged with a smile. There were things she noticed now about the girl snuggled next to her that she didn't before, like how well she fit, or how much she actually liked it. She felt a strong urge to turn her head and just look at her.
"Why are you," she stretched out with a gaze, "named Loveless, when I've heard that you are unmistakably quite the lover?"
Lily blushed. "Excuse me?" She studied every leaf on the ground, the crunch crunch magnified in her ears.
"I mean, your name is a lie, in point of fact. You're lying to people."
"But it's my real name. I can't go around telling everyone a fake name."
In that second, Luke managed to creep up behind them. "Ooh, low blow," he playfully hissed through his teeth.
"My name isn't fake either," she said, looking pointedly at Luke. He passed them fully grinning. She shifted her focus back. "I just shortened it. Besides, you totally can."
"Can what?"
"Lie." She bumped purposely into her side. "We're actors."
"Yeah, but--it's just my name, I don't really feel like lying about that. And I didn't even mean it before, about yours. Scodelario, I like it. It's exotic."
"That's not all that's exotic about me, you know." Kaya removed her arm and trotted forward into set. Lily looked ahead for a bit, at Kaya, the crew, then back at Kaya's retreating form. So mostly she was staring at a girl, but she didn't think anything of it.
"Hah, I'm sure," she muttered to no one in particular, a few minutes too late. Later, they'd laugh about Kaya's supposed exotic nature in between setups. It helped brighten up the dark forest.
-
"Guys, what d'you think?"
Lily turned around to reveal another one of her awkward yet brilliantly pulled-off getups.
"That," Meg said disbelievingly, "is neither granny chic nor jock chic."
They were all getting ready for an outing that invited the entire cast and everyone was putting on something casual while still trying to maintain standout-ish. Lily looked at herself, straightening out her shirt the best she could. "I thought it was geek chic, kinda."
"What kind of geeks have you been hanging out with? I bet they were fans of American malls, yeah?" Kaya observed with a spoonful of yogurt in her mouth.
Meg chortled. "Definitely mullet chic."
"How many times can we say 'chic' in under a minute?" Kaya mused.
"About as many times Kat can wear her denim jacket to events," Meg tried to say under her breath, but failed.
"Shut up," Kat responded in defense. She stretched her arms out in front of her. "I really do like it. Doesn't it work?"
Everyone tried to stifle their laughter at first, but Kaya ended up cackling openly, loudly.
Good thing her yogurt was put down, Lily thought, otherwise it would have ended up flying everywhere. And who'd clean that up? She pondered the repercussions in her head.
Meg tried to hold out for the sake of her sister, but couldn't. Later, Kat joined in on losing it, which certainly didn't help anyone from stopping any time soon.
Kaya looked across the room in the middle of their fit of giggles and she and Lily shared a glance. For a bit, it seemed like the room was still, but then they continued laughing and everything was moving again.
Lily felt exuberant. This was going to be fun.
Truth be told, they were all definitely close by the time the third series stopped shooting, but they hadn't properly seen each other since then. So a wrap party scheduled during the hiatus was exactly what she needed. Honestly, it was about time she was out and about, seeing very familiar faces.
"You think you're ready, Loveless?" Slyly, Kaya nudged into her.
"For what?"
"What else? For drinking until you drop. For life, Lils."
Lily chuckled. "Why wouldn't I be?"
"Just curious," she replied with a lilt in her voice as she walked away. It didn't matter that this was technically work, it was time to have fun, and Lily was glad someone was there to show her that.
Lily, self-admittedly, never met someone who could drink half as much as Kaya did and retain such functionality before. She quickly became anxious to see it often in this kind of environment.
And the more drunk she got, the more excitable she became whenever she heard Kaya mention her name. It's the little things, really, she told herself. No one had to know.
Well into the night, she became pretty sure she wanted to stay exceedingly close to Kaya, who found herself close to vodka, which later made its way close to the toilet. Regardless, Lily stuck by.
"Mmrff, I'm positive I'm still going to have a marvelous hangover in the morning."
"What a shame." Lily slowly replied.
Lazy smile seemingly permanent on her face, Kaya managed, "Life is all about shame, Lil. Didn't anyone tell you?"
Lily had the faint knowledge that she froze, buzz not currently helping. She stood straight on two feet. "What?"
Kaya looked increasingly Effy-like by the minute. "You'll see," she said ominously.
The buzz turned into the spins all of a sudden, and Lily was soon aware she needed to get as far away from Effy-like Kaya as fast as possible. Luke saw her--nearly catches her--on her way out and when he asked what was wrong, she vaguely responded with something about Kaya and the loo and "Why can't she just feel better already?" and that was that.
-
Sometime in the night, Kat runs into her. Possibly literally, but who knows. Could have been the other way around.
"All right? You look like you've been through a complete wash cycle."
"Yeah?" Lily tried to balance herself while her body only felt like it wanted to lie down. "Weird night; certainly unpredictable."
"I'll say. You seen my sister? I thought she'd be with Kaya." Kat finished her fag with one last drag. "And I thought you were with Kaya." She flicked it off in another direction she couldn't see.
"Yeah, I .. dunno." Lily rolled her shoulders. "I don't know, really."
Kat didn't seem to care whether she was lying or just confused, but she looked at her sideways for a second before looking at her directly. "Lily, I'm not an idiot. You're more obvious than a can of beans."
More befuddled than ever, Lily mumbled, "I thought you didn't smoke"
"Rethinking things is an option, you know. Before they get worse? And they can, with yourself and others in mind, I mean."
Lily blinked. "What? I'm being careful."
"Sometimes being careful isn't enough. Sometimes you get what you want and it isn't what's best." Kat set her mouth in a thin line and stayed that way for a bit. "What you do with your love life is fine, just be wary of messing with more than you can handle."
"Hm," Lily grumbled, trying to remain firm
A beat or two passed and Kat was itching to get back to where the party was. "Whatever, I'm gonna go get absolutely pissed. If you care to join me, you know where I'll be." She turned on her heel and went back towards the thumping bass.
Lily didn't follow. Instead, she gulped and tried hard not to toss. She noticed she couldn't get rid of a certain bitter taste now firmly rooted in the back of her mouth, slowly creeping its way forward. It wasn't bile, it was something more visceral. Whatever it was, she decided she didn't like it and most likely had something to do with what just happened. Possibly.
She decided to call Kaya. No one picked up, but she talks anyway.
"Hello? It's me, Lily. Listen, I need to tell you something. And I don't care if I'm not supposed to, okay? I'm telling you now. And maybe we'll see each other tomorrow. . ."
She easily doesn't remember much of the night the next day.
-
It's when she wakes up that she recalls leaving a thoroughly plastered message on Kaya's phone.
"Oh fuck."
It takes her another half an hour to recollect the details preceding it (she can't). "Oh shit."
And the next whole hour she spends remembering the bulk of what she'd actually said (she does).
"Oh fucking shit."
She jumps when someone knocks on her door. She opens it with slight hesitation.
"Oh hey, Kaya--"
"What the fuck, Lily? I mean ... What was that? Where did any of that even come from?" She came in immediately and started to pace the room from side to side, which, really, were only a few feet in length.
"I know it was completely unwarranted but--"
"You're telling me."
Lily gave up. "Okay, maybe some of it was warranted. I'm done not addressing things properly; it's already out in the open, so let's .. talk through it, yeah?"
Kaya stopped pacing and looked at her incredulously. "So you're saying--what are you saying?"
"That I think we should give this a go."
"Don't be a twat."
"How so?" Lily threw up her hands in defeat. "Come on, lay it on me."
"You don't just jump into a relationship 'cos you think you fancy someone."
"Who said anything about a relationship? Jesus, I just said I think I like you. And it's not just like a drunken confession. I'm not ashamed of it, not anymore." It dawned on her that Kaya probably felt the same way, or somewhat, otherwise she wouldn't be here looking incredibly worried. Otherwise Kaya would've stormed out or never even come. She wouldn't be trying, in her own earnest way, to offer a solution without an agenda. Her anger was a farce, she noticed, as it gradually faded.
They stood there silently for a moment, Lily looking askance and Kaya staring straight ahead. After a beat, Kaya strained to say something, but remained noiseless. Instead, Lily took to rubbing at her forehead and groaned out, "This is a wretched way to treat a hangover, even if it is way past noon." She shifted her weight from one foot to the other as she crossed her free arm over her torso.
The space seemed to grow several square feet in the short span of time they stayed standing. But time didn't register. Not much did. Just Kaya being in the room with this newfound knowledge did. Kaya, in this room, knowing exactly what she couldn't remember. She'd confessed all sorts of things, but she wasn't clear on why. It bothered her more than it would anyone else, perhaps because she obsessed over particulars, needing to understand events that introduce themselves to others--that's how things make sense. This didn't.
"Lily," Kaya tentatively took a step forward. "Can I say something?"
"'Course." She barely had any ideas left, let alone anything constructive.
"Look. You're expecting a fight, for me to run out at any given time." She gestured forward with her head. "See, it's like you're bracing yourself for something."
Kaya moved towards her, closing in on the distance that Lily was measuring in minute increments. She could feel something was happening. If only she could put her finger on what.
A heavy sigh weighed things down in their atmosphere, but Kaya perked up. "You can rest assured, you know," she offered before she made her way in deliberate strides towards Lily, her unexpected proximity nearly knocking her off her feet. It ended in a deliberate push against her body. "I can help you with that hangover."
She didn't have the chance to decide on a reply because a second later, Kaya covered her mouth with her own, resulting in Lily being dumfounded and Kaya a tiny bit bemused. Finally, she kissed her back, and she really couldn't have imagined it any better. The real thing was exactly as it was, solid and soft, moving quickly onto rough and forceful, and unpredictably, Lily responded passively. Even more unpredictably, Kaya remained the aggressor.
A red flag went up in her head. "Wait, hold on. Since when is this okay?" Lily mentally processed the repercussions.
Kaya barely reacted. "I'm figuring it out as I go along." She leaned in for more. "Aren't you?"
"Yeah, sure." She barely said it above a whisper. No matter how headfirst this might be, they were going to figure it out later. Kaya's tongue on her lips felt too good to give up, she decided.
Her room started to shrink, with the walls closing in on her and her back flat against one of them. None of this was going to be like anything she'd gone through before, that was for sure.
-
Weeks flew by before they'd come to any kind of discussion. They didn't even end up trying to articulate their situation, as they came to call it, and It would've helped, loads, if they'd just done it, any of it, but not a single sodding thing was said. It was the discourse that would never be, it seemed.
This went on until series four started being discussed through its planning stages, which is to say, too long.
Lily didn't meet Kaya's eye all throughout rehearsals; she really didn't have much to do with her at all. It didn't matter in retrospect and should anyone notice, she could explain it away with something about memorizing the script or simply indifference towards anything that doesn't have to do with lines. There are many intricacies in acting to be considered, one mustn't forget.
What Lily didn't expect was to see Kaya casually have chats with Kat every now and then, and for some entirely unbeknownst reason, pulling her aside privately, away from everybody. Meg didn't follow, which basically resulted in Lily almost having a conniption for two reasons: Meg is closer to Kaya anyway, so what's the big idea? And secondly, well, the second is the thing they don't talk about. Ever. So, she pushed it aside and buried her head into heavy-duty stapled pages of words upon words made just for pretend. Simple.
-
Figuratively speaking (and more often than not, a bit literally as well), she felt like she was moving completely backwards.
"I can't keep sneaking around my boyfriend for you, Scods. You have to at least tell me how you feel." She bunched up a fistful of fabric from Kaya's shirt into a tight grasp. "Anything." She drew herself closer until she couldn't smell anything other than whatever perfume was on Kaya's neck. "Something." It was almost an interrogation than it was a simple conversation. She loosened up a bit.
"Why does that matter? You said this was nothing."
"No, I said this wouldn't be a relationship."
"So, it's ... it's a thing. What more?"
"Oh, I don't know, this crazy notion called emotions?" Lily took a step back, leaning her shoulders against a wall, feeling huddled up in a tight space once again.
Kaya casually tipped her head back. "Who cares about your boyfriend? Honestly."
"I do," Lily retorted defensively. "And I think Meg 'cos she wants to be friends with him or something, I dunno." She broke eye contact and looked down.
"No, she just wants things to work out." Kaya brushed her fingertips up Lily's forearm. "For you."
"What about you?" She bit the inside of her cheek and released it. "Don't you want things to work out?"
The lack of noise stretched for miles, weighing down a ton on what seemed to have just been a few inches between them a second before. Nothingness felt like something and for a change, Lily was magnetized to these things that didn't make sense.
Eyes downcast, the girl in front of her readied herself to say something possibly big, but at the last second, decided against it. "I'm tired. I think I'm gonna go home."
Lily didn't feel like staring at her walking away this time, or ever again actually. She didn't like feeling left behind.
-
She replayed the same scene over and over in her head. The image in reality varied in sorts, such as differing times of day and differing locations, but it always ended identically. Except, thought Lily, this one time, they'd gone to an upscale restaurant and during one of their quiet bits, Kaya turned to an older couple caught staring and exclaimed, 'If you take a picture, you can wank off to it later, you know,' like it was no big deal. And to her horror, it only made her fall for her just a little bit more.
But the demanding shooting schedule of this ragtag gang continued, letting the show go on as it were. Lily couldn't stop, however unsettling it was, revisiting what had been. To her credit though, she tried, with absolute fervor that only resulted in her getting into character more easily. Acting was a form of release to her; she never brought her personal life into it.
Meg seemed to think differently. "I think something's up, babe, and I want to hear from you what it is."
They spent their break holed up in their temporary flat, a musical chairs of actors awaiting their next busy scene to block. Though it seemed like just a flat sometimes.
"Why, did Kat say something?" She took an extra liberty to sound exceptionally sarcastic.
"What're you rolling your eyes at my sister for? Are you guys not getting on over whatever?" Meg talked to her from the doorway as Lily trudged over to an armchair and plopped herself onto it. She leaned her forehead onto her hand. "Well?" Meg insisted. An astounding "No" came from Lily's mouth that Meg didn't really take well to.
"No need to be rude about it."
"I'm sorry, it's just--it's not about Kat. Okay?"
"Good, 'cos I hate talking about her all the time, yeah?" She walked over to sit on her bed and Lily straightened her posture a bit.
"Yeah," Lily sighed out.
"It's about Kaya then?" Meg rationalized.
Lily peeked through her fingers. "You're not as slow on the uptake as you think you are, you know that?"
Meg half-shrugged. "It's either that or everyone else knows by now and I'm the only one who cares enough to ask."
"I sincerely hope it's not the second part." She turned her head to the side. "God, I hope it's not the second part." She breathed out the largest sigh before continuing. "I like her y'know? Like, I really like her."
"Spare me, okay? I don't think I really want to picture it. And we have that wretched storyline coming up, mind you."
"Sorry, forgot," she stammered. That was the truth, and it was quite the achievement considering the explicit nature of the orgy-like episode that was written for them. And as intriguing as it was, it was far from the matter at hand.
"But we don't talk through anything. And I thought it'd be okay if we just avoided each other, but now she just bails completely and talks to Kat." She paused to motion with her hand dramatically. "She never talks to Kat! The most they've interacted ever was over something about shoes and favorite Stoli flavors, and that's pretty fucking insubstantial, don't you think?"
"Who cares who she talks to in her spare time, don't you have a boyfriend to break up with?"
"That's not the point."
Meg scoffed. "A right laugh you are, that is totally the point. You think she doesn't give a shit?"
Lily turned to face her with a bit of a shocked look and not a single thing to say. Meg snorted. "Are you figuring it out yet?"
"Maybe? God, why can't this just be easy?"
"It usually isn't when it matters. And when we're not fucking sixty-four."
She chuckled. "I guess I just wish I was wise beyond my years. I dress for it well enough."
Meg rolled her eyes and took a second before smirking. "I don't know what either of you see in each other." To this, Lily just offered a winning smile and took the oncoming pillow thrown at her in stride.
-
There were times of quietude, despite her sometimes restless demeanor. She took those moments seriously.
Amidst the high-octane times that were supposed to be their formative career, Lily knew her place in it all. She knew she wasn't going to jump from person to person or get plastered so profusely that fun is all it is and nothing more; small things that become big things mean everything to her. She knows she spends an exorbitant amount of time remembering how things feel and how they should for others, or at least how she hopes. Experiences are to be had and attributed, not to be disposed of or mentioned offhandedly. It took her a moment to remember when she felt happiest, when any of it meant the most, when she'd look up and feel like there wasn't any weight heavy on her shoulders, or anywhere.
It took her a moment. But she got there.
She bent to pick up her mobile from the end table and scrolled down the list of numbers to get to her boyfriend's.
She didn't breathe in and she didn't bite her lip. Instead she just spoke. "Hey. We need to talk."
-
The shoots became so hectic over the next few weeks that no one could barely even keep track of proper sleep cycles, let alone facets their personal lives.
Thankfully, Naomi and Effy didn't have many scenes together so avoidances or just general non-interactive behavior went over nicely. Distractions, like talking to one of the sixteen grips on set, didn't hinder any either. Shooting this last scene, however, took undeniably longer than ever, so when it wrapped, everyone couldn't be happier. She's walking away from the least joyous breakdown ever, when Kaya catches up from behind her.
Trying to mentally steel herself, she bent her head straight down. She kept walking forward.
"Lils, wait up." She hates it when she calls her that. Of all the abbreviations, really. "Loveless!" She turned around. "What, did you not hear me?"
"No, I didn't." Stressing each syllable, Lily managed to look peeved, tired, and in contempt all at once.
"But, I was like, right behind you."
"Kaya, I'm tired. Can't we just do this ..."
"Another time?" Kaya weakly attempted a smile for comfort. "Isn't that what I say?" She moved a lock of hair behind her ear.
"Yeah, it is, innit." Lily hung her head. She waited for courage to bubble up, but all that came was desperation. She bit the inside of her cheek. Now or never. "I'm sorry I left you with Freddie that night. When you were emptying the contents of your stomach." The words stumbled out of her mouth. "And I want you. I want for this to be real, not to hurt."
"Those two aren't mutually exclusive, I hear. And I'm sure your boyfriend would love to--"
"It's off. It's over, poof."
Kaya blinked mid-sentence. She stared in disbelief and stammered out, "What? He ... you--huh." A small, real smile formed and changed the look on her entire face significantly. "That's .. I like that. Good to know." She stared mutely for a beat, cheeks reddening and strands of hair going astray. Lily widened her eyes to try and snap herself out of staring at her, to which Kaya aptly replied, "Right then."
She leaned forward to quickly kiss Lily square on the lips.
Lily liked this sudden surprise. It was like a gift. A thoughtful, rather pleasing gift.
Thoroughly distracted, she reminded herself of everything she'd previously contemplated and took the moment to really talk for once. "I need you to know that this, to me, you, us--they're things I want. All of it. I need it, every fucking day, and I don't care to know why anymore. Not knowing why doesn't bother me."
"Me neither. I mean, I know why, but I can't bring myself to care." Kaya tucked her forefinger into the closest of Lily's belt loops. She moved her other hand up to rest lightly on her shoulder. "I never did. I wish you knew that."
"Then ..." Lily moved in to wrap her hands around Kaya's hips. Her thumbs danced on the shape of her bones. She shifted even closer. "Could I ask you something?" Kaya closed her eyes and nodded.
Lily leaned in, close enough to touch Kaya's nose with her own. "Why'd you start talking to Kat all of a sudden?" Kaya softly landed her mouth on the edge of Lily's pout in an attempt to blow over the oncoming conversation, but Lily barely complied. She wanted her question answered.
"Does it matter?" Kaya sighed out. Lily pouted even more, which was kind of humorous, but still her form of a reply.
"Because. I knew she would tell me what you wouldn't." They pulled back to look at each other directly now.
"What, that I'm worth it somehow?"
"No, she told me that you're not."
Lily smiled. "And you believed her?"
"Exactly. That's definitely why I'm here right now."
"Shut up." She softly reached in and locked her hands right above the small of Kaya's back. Their foreheads touched for a second, lips brushing against each other's for a little more, then Lily bowed her head down to kiss the base of Kaya's neck. She kissed it twice more and said, "I like this a lot, I hope you know." Kaya squeezed Lily's forearm where it met her elbow and whispered, "I know," then turned her head slightly to kiss Lily on her temple. "Me, too."
Neither felt tired by the time the night came. At least not as much as they should've been. They were downright floating on nothing and, to be frank, positively could not feel any safer.
--
End