Transcript: Barney/James FB HIMYM RP
Takes place DIRECTLY after Barney/Robin and the kissing incident...
Barney
James... Hey bro!
10:55pmJames
Hey. One sec, at a drive through, let me grab my food.
10:55pmBarney
Just shout dude. We need to rap
10:58pmJames
I'm back
10:59pmBarney
God, dude... It's so good to see you
I'm so sorry
Do you really hate me right now?
10:59pmJames
Why are YOU sorry? You have nothing to be sorry about. Of course I don't hate you.
I should be sorry.
I've been a horrible brother, stressing you out, not watching out for you..
11:00pmBarney
No... god no. I almost fucking killed myself... You are not taking the blame for this bro
11:00pmJames
But I added to your stress. I wasn't there when you needed me.
I'm a totally asshole, dude.
11:01pmBarney
James, please. Don't do this. Don't do exactly what I'd do.
11:01pmJames
Do what?
11:02pmBarney
Deflect.
James, tell me about Tom. Please
What happened?
11:03pmJames
... It's.. complicated.
11:04pmJames
It isn't your fault.
11:04pmBarney
It's bad. I know it's bad. Do you have to pour a quart of gin down your throat to get you to talk about it though?
I'm your brother, James.
Let me help?
11:05pmJames
.. He came home yesterday. I thought things would be better. That this fight was over.
11:05pmBarney
What happened, dude?
11:05pmJames
He told me he wanted a break. He said he didn't think we worked together anymore.. and he had done some tough thinking the last few hours about it and it made sense to him.
I didn't fit him anymore.
11:06pmBarney
What the FUCK? Why? That just doesn't- HAPPEN
11:07pmJames
I don't always tell you everything in our phonecalls, bro. We've been fighting about things for a while.. about what we used to do, how we used to be.. about our families..
It's a break. It's not a split. He.. he said it was a break. Like, half time.
I'm not okay about it. I fucking hate the idea.. but I love him. I don't want to lose him.
11:14pmBarney
James, please... you can't let him go. You guys, you're so in love. You're great. You're awesome. How can he not? James... he can't do this to you.
What about sam?
11:15pmJames
Sam is going to live with me. He is staying at Tom's mothers until we figure out where I'm going or doing..
I'm not LETTING him go. I'm... I'm giving him the space he wants. I don't want to lose him, bro.
11:16pmBarney
But... but... I thought Tom was okay with how you are now. You guys... James how could you not tell me about this...
Please promise me you won't cut me out like that
11:17pmJames
I didn't want to upset you. I didn't want to worry you if it was something trivial..
Of course I'm not! Your blood, your family.. dude
11:18pmBarney
James, it is NOT trivial
James, I HATE this. I can't be this far away from you. You need me.
I can... I can stay her. In LA. If you need me.
11:19pmJames
Actually.. actually I was wondering if I could go to New York. With You.
Sam too, obviously.
But I understand if you aren't cool with it. I mean, Sam would cramp your night life and it wouldn't be for long. I would find my own place really quick.
11:21pmBarney
James... *his eyes light up and his face splits into a huge pinball grin*
Oh my GOD, ANYTHING bro!
Of course you can come to NYC with me. For as long as you need to
11:23pmJames
Thank you, bro. Really. I didn't expect you to say yes.. I don't want to hold you back.
11:23pmBarney
James what the HELL? You didn't expect me to say YES?
Seriously dude, what in the hell do you take me for? I'm kinda offended here!
11:24pmJames
Well, your young and in your prime. I'm old and have kid baggage (although Sam is one cool little dude), and I'm probably going to nag you about your bathroom habits.
We haven't lived together in years bro. I figured you probably wouldn't want to be hampered by me.
11:26pmBarney
James. If you need to come to NYC, and you don't WANT to stay with me, I'll get you a hotel, dude. But seriously, I'd kick your ass. You and Sam are welcome any time.
11:26pmJames
I don't mind living with you Barney. I just don't want to hold you back from whatever you feel like doing.
11:27pmBarney
Hey bro, maybe if you're with me I won't end up spending four days mostly-dead?
11:28pmJames
I would kick your ass.
11:30pmBarney
Then maybe I NEED a little James and Sam in my life?
Keep me grounded, man?
11:31pmJames
Yeah. I can do that. I just don't think you're ready for Sam full time. He's a handful when you got to live with him.
We'd have to toddler-proof unless you actually care about your Stormtrooper.
*unless you don't care
11:32pmBarney
Hehe. That clone-trooper (jeez, are you even a fan?) is already sam-proof. And I'll put the sword out of reach. And the handcuffs. But the porn is staying. Never too young, dude.
11:32pmJames
I'm a vague fan. Not the geek you are about it.
If he ends up scarred, I'm blaming you.
You can get all his tough questions too.
11:36pmBarney
Dude, he's already young enough to be my wingman. Scenario:- Single father in the playground with a gaggle of lonely Moms.
James, it's gonna be awesome
11:36pmJames
He looks enough like you to pull it off.
11:37pmBarney
Hehe. Yeah he does.
But bro?
11:38pmJames
Dude, you didn't donate sperm to LA banks did you?
What?
11:40pmBarney
James - are you kidding! *laughs*
What I was gonna say was... This whole thing with Tom. You're not just running away from the problem? Because I can relate to that!
11:42pmJames
I might be doing a little running and a little break myself..
11:45pmBarney
Well, I can't exactly hold that against you.
This whole thing... this weekend.
Vegas...
That was my big hurrah. My holiday from myself. From... FEELINGS. You know
11:46pmJames
Yeah. I wish I had one of those weekends. Without the lack of sleep..
But I understand. Just wished it worked like you wanted it to without all the problems added on top of it.
11:50pmBarney
Dude... It was never gonna work.
I saw Sherbatsky earlier. And Ted.
Ted... that was cool.
11:50pmJames
But Robin?
11:50pmBarney
But Robin... Boy did that get complicated
She... kissed me.
11:51pmJames
WHAT?!
I'm going to smack that girl.. is she trying to fuck you up or what?
... Was it at least a good kiss or a kiss of death type of thing?
11:51pmBarney
I told her that I'd stay in LA if you needed me to... to see what she though. You know, I really needed her *advice*. I knew she'd be honest with me, tell me if I was being an idiot. But she kind of freaked
She just... it was over in a half second
Then she pulled back and she told me she was "trying to seduce me" to make me come back to NYC.
I mean... What the HELL?
11:53pmJames
I'm totally confused. Maybe this whole situation has made her think about how she feels about you?
11:53pmBarney
James. Seroiusly. Dude.
Yeah, she's confused. But she's not into me.
We were talking, really talking. And out of nowhere she decides she needs to go and text Lily!! Just leaves me hanging. Not cool, bro. Even for a friend.
James, Why do I still... why?
11:55pmJames
I don't know. I don't know why she is doing this and why you feel like this.
That was totally rude of her.
11:57pmBarney
Because I'm pathetically in love with her and I've turned into a woman!?!? JESUS.
Kill me now
11:57pmJames
You're not a woman. *rolls eyes*
You're in love. It changes you, man.
11:59pmBarney
James. How is love good? I just don't get it? I give up. Love nearly killed me this weekend. There's no way I would have done that - vegas, coming here, the beach, it was all HER, man. I never used to be this lame
Today
12:01amJames
Don't look to me with advice man, I've been love's bitch these last few days too. I don't know what to say.
12:02amBarney
James, you and me, Bro. Let's hit NYC HARD. Drown our sorrows in awesome amounts of hard-core sex?
12:02am
James is going to be packing tonight. Look out NYC because you can't handle the awesomeness of three Stinsons in town.
12:02amJames
Mmm. That does sound fantastic. I could really go for a good quick and dirty in a club.
Think Ted would be up to babysitting whenever we get back to NYC?
12:04amBarney
Hey, LILY, man. ready-made babysitter
Besides, she's putting Marshall through Dad training. Be good practice for him.
Hehe.
James, this is going to be so... LEGENDARY!
12:05amJames
Ha! Sorry, just imaging how much Sam will put them through the ringer.
12:05amBarney
I am beyond psyched about this.
12:05amJames
Same. We haven't partied together in ages.
12:05amBarney
James, they'll love it. Plus Awesome Junior can do no wrong.
PARTAAAAAAAAAAAY!
Now, get me out of this god damn hospital will ya?
Come on Bro!
I am perfectly fine.
Look! Is this the face of a sick man?
*beams*
12:06amJames
You have like billions of machines attached to you, I know that because you did when I left this morning.
Talked to Marshall, Lily is on spring break. She'd have plenty of time to watch Sam.
12:07amBarney
James, bro... seriously. I only have, like, ONE machine now and it's a freakin' clothespeg on my finger - heart rate monitor. Everything's fine.
Dude... seriously, tremours of psychitude are rocking my body right now. Awesometown!
GET. ME. OUTTA. HERE!
12:07amJames
Let me go pick up Sam from Tom's mothers. He wants to see you anyway/
12:08amBarney
Do it! Can't wait to see Awesome Junior. Just wanna give hat little fella an Uncle-hug.
Don't be long, bro?
.
Barney
James... Hey bro!
10:55pmJames
Hey. One sec, at a drive through, let me grab my food.
10:55pmBarney
Just shout dude. We need to rap
10:58pmJames
I'm back
10:59pmBarney
God, dude... It's so good to see you
I'm so sorry
Do you really hate me right now?
10:59pmJames
Why are YOU sorry? You have nothing to be sorry about. Of course I don't hate you.
I should be sorry.
I've been a horrible brother, stressing you out, not watching out for you..
11:00pmBarney
No... god no. I almost fucking killed myself... You are not taking the blame for this bro
11:00pmJames
But I added to your stress. I wasn't there when you needed me.
I'm a totally asshole, dude.
11:01pmBarney
James, please. Don't do this. Don't do exactly what I'd do.
11:01pmJames
Do what?
11:02pmBarney
Deflect.
James, tell me about Tom. Please
What happened?
11:03pmJames
... It's.. complicated.
11:04pmJames
It isn't your fault.
11:04pmBarney
It's bad. I know it's bad. Do you have to pour a quart of gin down your throat to get you to talk about it though?
I'm your brother, James.
Let me help?
11:05pmJames
.. He came home yesterday. I thought things would be better. That this fight was over.
11:05pmBarney
What happened, dude?
11:05pmJames
He told me he wanted a break. He said he didn't think we worked together anymore.. and he had done some tough thinking the last few hours about it and it made sense to him.
I didn't fit him anymore.
11:06pmBarney
What the FUCK? Why? That just doesn't- HAPPEN
11:07pmJames
I don't always tell you everything in our phonecalls, bro. We've been fighting about things for a while.. about what we used to do, how we used to be.. about our families..
It's a break. It's not a split. He.. he said it was a break. Like, half time.
I'm not okay about it. I fucking hate the idea.. but I love him. I don't want to lose him.
11:14pmBarney
James, please... you can't let him go. You guys, you're so in love. You're great. You're awesome. How can he not? James... he can't do this to you.
What about sam?
11:15pmJames
Sam is going to live with me. He is staying at Tom's mothers until we figure out where I'm going or doing..
I'm not LETTING him go. I'm... I'm giving him the space he wants. I don't want to lose him, bro.
11:16pmBarney
But... but... I thought Tom was okay with how you are now. You guys... James how could you not tell me about this...
Please promise me you won't cut me out like that
11:17pmJames
I didn't want to upset you. I didn't want to worry you if it was something trivial..
Of course I'm not! Your blood, your family.. dude
11:18pmBarney
James, it is NOT trivial
James, I HATE this. I can't be this far away from you. You need me.
I can... I can stay her. In LA. If you need me.
11:19pmJames
Actually.. actually I was wondering if I could go to New York. With You.
Sam too, obviously.
But I understand if you aren't cool with it. I mean, Sam would cramp your night life and it wouldn't be for long. I would find my own place really quick.
11:21pmBarney
James... *his eyes light up and his face splits into a huge pinball grin*
Oh my GOD, ANYTHING bro!
Of course you can come to NYC with me. For as long as you need to
11:23pmJames
Thank you, bro. Really. I didn't expect you to say yes.. I don't want to hold you back.
11:23pmBarney
James what the HELL? You didn't expect me to say YES?
Seriously dude, what in the hell do you take me for? I'm kinda offended here!
11:24pmJames
Well, your young and in your prime. I'm old and have kid baggage (although Sam is one cool little dude), and I'm probably going to nag you about your bathroom habits.
We haven't lived together in years bro. I figured you probably wouldn't want to be hampered by me.
11:26pmBarney
James. If you need to come to NYC, and you don't WANT to stay with me, I'll get you a hotel, dude. But seriously, I'd kick your ass. You and Sam are welcome any time.
11:26pmJames
I don't mind living with you Barney. I just don't want to hold you back from whatever you feel like doing.
11:27pmBarney
Hey bro, maybe if you're with me I won't end up spending four days mostly-dead?
11:28pmJames
I would kick your ass.
11:30pmBarney
Then maybe I NEED a little James and Sam in my life?
Keep me grounded, man?
11:31pmJames
Yeah. I can do that. I just don't think you're ready for Sam full time. He's a handful when you got to live with him.
We'd have to toddler-proof unless you actually care about your Stormtrooper.
*unless you don't care
11:32pmBarney
Hehe. That clone-trooper (jeez, are you even a fan?) is already sam-proof. And I'll put the sword out of reach. And the handcuffs. But the porn is staying. Never too young, dude.
11:32pmJames
I'm a vague fan. Not the geek you are about it.
If he ends up scarred, I'm blaming you.
You can get all his tough questions too.
11:36pmBarney
Dude, he's already young enough to be my wingman. Scenario:- Single father in the playground with a gaggle of lonely Moms.
James, it's gonna be awesome
11:36pmJames
He looks enough like you to pull it off.
11:37pmBarney
Hehe. Yeah he does.
But bro?
11:38pmJames
Dude, you didn't donate sperm to LA banks did you?
What?
11:40pmBarney
James - are you kidding! *laughs*
What I was gonna say was... This whole thing with Tom. You're not just running away from the problem? Because I can relate to that!
11:42pmJames
I might be doing a little running and a little break myself..
11:45pmBarney
Well, I can't exactly hold that against you.
This whole thing... this weekend.
Vegas...
That was my big hurrah. My holiday from myself. From... FEELINGS. You know
11:46pmJames
Yeah. I wish I had one of those weekends. Without the lack of sleep..
But I understand. Just wished it worked like you wanted it to without all the problems added on top of it.
11:50pmBarney
Dude... It was never gonna work.
I saw Sherbatsky earlier. And Ted.
Ted... that was cool.
11:50pmJames
But Robin?
11:50pmBarney
But Robin... Boy did that get complicated
She... kissed me.
11:51pmJames
WHAT?!
I'm going to smack that girl.. is she trying to fuck you up or what?
... Was it at least a good kiss or a kiss of death type of thing?
11:51pmBarney
I told her that I'd stay in LA if you needed me to... to see what she though. You know, I really needed her *advice*. I knew she'd be honest with me, tell me if I was being an idiot. But she kind of freaked
She just... it was over in a half second
Then she pulled back and she told me she was "trying to seduce me" to make me come back to NYC.
I mean... What the HELL?
11:53pmJames
I'm totally confused. Maybe this whole situation has made her think about how she feels about you?
11:53pmBarney
James. Seroiusly. Dude.
Yeah, she's confused. But she's not into me.
We were talking, really talking. And out of nowhere she decides she needs to go and text Lily!! Just leaves me hanging. Not cool, bro. Even for a friend.
James, Why do I still... why?
11:55pmJames
I don't know. I don't know why she is doing this and why you feel like this.
That was totally rude of her.
11:57pmBarney
Because I'm pathetically in love with her and I've turned into a woman!?!? JESUS.
Kill me now
11:57pmJames
You're not a woman. *rolls eyes*
You're in love. It changes you, man.
11:59pmBarney
James. How is love good? I just don't get it? I give up. Love nearly killed me this weekend. There's no way I would have done that - vegas, coming here, the beach, it was all HER, man. I never used to be this lame
Today
12:01amJames
Don't look to me with advice man, I've been love's bitch these last few days too. I don't know what to say.
12:02amBarney
James, you and me, Bro. Let's hit NYC HARD. Drown our sorrows in awesome amounts of hard-core sex?
12:02am
James is going to be packing tonight. Look out NYC because you can't handle the awesomeness of three Stinsons in town.
12:02amJames
Mmm. That does sound fantastic. I could really go for a good quick and dirty in a club.
Think Ted would be up to babysitting whenever we get back to NYC?
12:04amBarney
Hey, LILY, man. ready-made babysitter
Besides, she's putting Marshall through Dad training. Be good practice for him.
Hehe.
James, this is going to be so... LEGENDARY!
12:05amJames
Ha! Sorry, just imaging how much Sam will put them through the ringer.
12:05amBarney
I am beyond psyched about this.
12:05amJames
Same. We haven't partied together in ages.
12:05amBarney
James, they'll love it. Plus Awesome Junior can do no wrong.
PARTAAAAAAAAAAAY!
Now, get me out of this god damn hospital will ya?
Come on Bro!
I am perfectly fine.
Look! Is this the face of a sick man?
*beams*
12:06amJames
You have like billions of machines attached to you, I know that because you did when I left this morning.
Talked to Marshall, Lily is on spring break. She'd have plenty of time to watch Sam.
12:07amBarney
James, bro... seriously. I only have, like, ONE machine now and it's a freakin' clothespeg on my finger - heart rate monitor. Everything's fine.
Dude... seriously, tremours of psychitude are rocking my body right now. Awesometown!
GET. ME. OUTTA. HERE!
12:07amJames
Let me go pick up Sam from Tom's mothers. He wants to see you anyway/
12:08amBarney
Do it! Can't wait to see Awesome Junior. Just wanna give hat little fella an Uncle-hug.
Don't be long, bro?
.